Title: Bank of America Post by: CJ on October 04, 2003, 04:00:00 AM Natasha came here in 1996 to work for a year as an au pair. We met a few months
before she was suppsoed to go home in 97 and were married 2-1/2 months later. I wasn't looking for a foreign-born bride and the other issues involved were all new to me then. When visiting her family a year later, her closest friend commented that everyone spoke of her as "Cinderella who found her prince" in America. She had a degree from home in linguisitics and started taking computer classes at the local community college while we waited for her working papers to arrive. Soon she had a job as a database admin/programmer at a law firm and after working for a year there I was able to get her a position with my company, a top DC-area defense contractor where she's now a software developer. She's also completing a Masters' program in software engineering at a local university and she was naturalized last October. And we've been regularly sending money home to help the family, including buying a flat as a ($7K) wedding gift for her little sister The newlyweds conflicts with my father-in-law were turning violent and we feared that someone was going to get seriously hurt. OK, there's the background... We've had passed to us from time to time comments about the "rich daughter/sister What to do? We're going to visit soon, leaving here Christmas Day. I am feeling I was looking forward to this trip but now I'm not so optimistic that it will all Just be careful, guys. I'm still happier now with Natasha than I ever Stay tuned. I'm sure I'll have some interesting stories to post here by mid-January! Title: You have created a monster! Post by: jrm on October 07, 2003, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to Bank of America, posted by CJ on Oct 4, 2003
You defintely should have a plan "B" when you visit. You will need it!!! Title: ... and we're pulling the plug on this monster! Post by: CJ on October 08, 2003, 04:00:00 AM Title: A quick suggestion... Post by: John K on October 06, 2003, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to Bank of America, posted by CJ on Oct 4, 2003
When you visit, stay at a hotel, not with relatives. That way if things get ugly, you at least have a place to sleep. That, and you are unconciously setting the tone that you won't be taken advantage of... Title: Re: A quick suggestion... Post by: CJ on October 06, 2003, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to A quick suggestion..., posted by John K on Oct 6, 2003
John, if I remember right (it's been awhile) I think we spoke by phone a long time ago when your wife asked mine about the whole exit stamp thing. Do you remember calling me in Virginia? (If I'm wrong I'll claim early senility...) From what I hear a hotel isn't the answer. And I think that in the long run it would be an insult to them to do so. We'll get through this and I imagine come out the other end stronger between us. If anyone has anything to lose here it's her family by the way they're now acting. Title: Not us Post by: John K on October 08, 2003, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: A quick suggestion..., posted by CJ on Oct 6, 2003
We've never had any problems with any exit stamps. As far as calling, I rather doubt it. We don't know your number and my wife is pretty antisocial. She only calls her mother, grandmother, and one or two close friends. Best of luck with the inlaws. We spend money on Marina's mother and grandmother from time to time, but they know that money can be tight at times also... Title: Re: Not us Post by: CJ on October 08, 2003, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to Not us, posted by John K on Oct 8, 2003
My mistake. I remember talking to someone here about the exit stamp and his wife called to talk to Natasha about it. Title: Re: Bank of America Post by: Jersey Mike on October 06, 2003, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to Bank of America, posted by CJ on Oct 4, 2003
CJ, You have touched on a subject that came up in my failed marriage and contributed to our breakup. My ex-wife was, in my opinion, too generous with her family members and they came to look upon us (and primarily me, since my wife made only modest income) as their numero uno source of income and support. I resented that she sent so much back home (and she resented me for resenting!) But hey, I married my wife, not her whole family after all. With my ex, all of her income went towards herself (clothes) and her family, and she looked to me for additional support for those inevitable emergencies, including some rather significant medical expenses during her father's terminal illness, that occured with her immediate family (including her widowed mother, two widowed sisters and three nieces - no men left to help out). My wife contributed nothing to our household expenses during the term of our marriage. Frank talk about money and personal finance is difficult, but every guy should really understand what his true financial obligations are going to be before they marry their foreign bride. Her and her family's expectations of your level of support for them might just shock you. Title: Re: Bank of America Post by: CJ on October 06, 2003, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: Bank of America, posted by Jersey Mike on Oct 6, 2003
Sorry to hear you had such a bad time of it over expenses. Money (either a lack of it or disagreement on where it goes) tends to be the #1 problem in most marriages. Fortunately in our case that's not the problem here. Natasha and I both make good incomes and there's no shortage of money. She worked hard all through school, sacrificing much of her social life and dedicating herself to her studies and developing language skills. Now she's reaping the rewards and others at home are (I think) jealous and feel that somehow she "owes" them. I agree about helping out family and I understand the situation there, but face it, we're not going to change the world. We've been generous (the $7K for a flat was, in my opinion, above and beyond any definition of generous) and I made it clear that we're not providing for them on an ongoing basis. We don't have kids (yet) and I'm not going to support someone else's. I specifically said that I never wanted to hear about the kid's doctor bills - I provided a roof and that's it. Natasha feels also that what we earn is first for us, particularly when her sister isn't even working over there claiming that "the baby's so much to take care of..." My brother-in-law's parents have commented that "Elena's sister in America should contribute more" and I think that while there I'm going to make a point to ask how much and how often they've contributed to their own grandchild's care. It may not make me popular but I tend to be very outspoken and also not put up with anybody's BS. (Can anyone tell me how to say "Go F*** Yourself!" in Russian?) I'll be the first to agree that life's not always fair. Some are born into better circumstances but I don't subscribe to the theory of "from each according to his ability, to each according to his need." It just doesn't work that way here in the capitalist world. We'll help, but we decide how much and how often. No one can be taken advantage of unless they allow themselves to be. At this point I'd rather just stop traveling once we reach Vienna... (OK, I'll end this rant here.) Title: Re: Bank of America Post by: KenC on October 05, 2003, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to Bank of America, posted by CJ on Oct 4, 2003
CJ, I hear you loud and clear. We have never had this type of problem with Lena's immediate family (Mom & Dad) because her Mom is a very intelligent woman and understands our situation. We too have "ups & downs" in our personal financial situation. We have been generous to them at times and so have they been with us. On a recent trip to visit us, they bought a new refrigerator for our new home! (A VERY generous house warming gift, I might say) The "problems" we have faced has come from Lena's extended family and her parent's neighbors. They are constantly trying to take advantage of Lena's parents because they have a "rich daughter in America." Best of luck to you with your situation. In this world there are "takers" and there are "givers". Your sister in law is a "taker" and she will never change. You can continue to give, but it will never be enough to satisfy her. I would stop giving anything but token gifts. Title: Re: Bank of America Post by: Stan on October 04, 2003, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to Bank of America, posted by CJ on Oct 4, 2003
Ha!!! My wife and I laughed when we read your response,, not because it's a joke, but because of us having a very similar situation. Background; Iv'e been over most of eastern Ukraine and am always marvled how every one there thinks that we do all indeed live like they do "Santa Barbara". And when you tell them otherwise, or at least in my humble blue collar life, they either think you are a selfish lier or tend to believe you and wonder why Hollywood would make films that are not 100% true. The way "we" settled it,, and always do when we send or bring things, is to know that this is the best we can do for them and if they are not happy with their gifts,,,,,,,, BUMMER for them!!! I can't over extend myself for some one just to live up to their beliefs of how much I should spend on them. Hey, I know a few people who are doing well all on their own w/o any help and I know of one or two babushkas who would be starving if they didn't get the help they were. Try teaching them the word; blagodarnostb= gratefulness Steve & Tanya Title: Re: Bank of America Post by: WmGo on October 04, 2003, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to Bank of America, posted by CJ on Oct 4, 2003
CJ, Thanks for sharing the situation. By your sharing, It is a sensitive situation obviously. I am no expert I am interested to learn how you ultimately handle it Good luck! WmGO |