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i've had two situations come up recently with two different ladies. the first one i blew off because i didn't trust the girl. now anonther is basically asking or hinting around at the same thing and i barely know her. of course this will be a distant memory soon. i need to ask this forum if it is common for a woman to ask for support for her family if she decides to leave on a fiance visa or get married and leave dad and brother behind. seems dad is retired and sick and brother is an alcoholic and won't work and the lady provides the bulk of the support for the family. how many of you help with support of the family or know others that do? what seems to be the going rate? do you feel obligated to support the family or is this just b.s.?

... in response to family support, posted by FLASH2D on Jul 8, 2003

This is not an uncommon situation.  My MIL retired to take care of my son while my wife was working good jobs, particularly in Japan.  My wife was the sole source of support for her family for several years, and now we are taking care of my MIL and my wife's 90 year old grandmother.

However, the good news is that outside of Moscow and St. Petersburg, it is not likely to be that expensive.  In our case, they both get pensions (about $50/month each); we add in another $100-150 a month, plus send a few presents over.

This is a relatively small amount in relation to the other expenses that you will incur when you have a non-working wife.  Clothing, personal care and household expenses will rise substantially.  For us, things were prettty tight (and not always pleasant) before my wife started working.

Just my 60 kopecks...

Steve M.

... in response to family support, posted by FLASH2D on Jul 8, 2003

[This message has been edited by LP]

...when you marry one of these girls you're marrying the family also. They have closer family ties and values than many westerners do. Ahh...thats one reason you're looking for one isn't it? Come on Sparky, didn't you study up on the culture before you launched?

As most have already said here, a few bux sent back is a big help and goes a long way. Hell, I sent a few bux to people I'd never met but considered friends. This payed big dividends when I got around to visiting.

The bottom line is NEVER send money to a women you have not met if she is a romantic interest. However, sending money to your wife's relatives is just about a given and, imho, the right thing to do. Trust me, cheap bastards don't do well in this game....

... in response to family support, posted by FLASH2D on Jul 8, 2003

Flash,

If you are dealing with honest and sincere people there...the little you send is of such a great benefit to them.  Call it private foreign aid.  We here can scarcely imagine how far they can stretch a $100 bill.  Here that $100 buys...not too much.  There it buys alot for the average person.  

Many families there do have problems.  There is the ultra-very rich.  The very new emerging "middle-class".  Both small percentages.  And then there is ...everyone else.  Like 85% of the population...easily. Probably 90%...or more.

One of the greatest things for a family there to have,  is a daughter married to a foreigner.  There is a bit more money for the family.  Some girls marry just for this one fact alone.  They feel they are helping their family.  If you know the girl well...I would not be too quick to be-grudge a coupla bucks.  N'est pas?  For most people there $100 bucks US is like magic...solves alot of problems.  Now,  there are lottsa scams...so you do have to know the girl and her family well,  before you start sending foreign-aid.

... in response to Re: family support, posted by tim360z on Jul 10, 2003

typo...should be unaccessible commidity.

... in response to family support, posted by FLASH2D on Jul 8, 2003

During the course of my four year marriage, my ex-wife's family's finances deteriorated, and she had to send larger amounts home for her parents and for her two widowed sisters and their families.  Plus, her late father was struck with cancer during the past two years, so she was sending up to an additional $1,000-$2000/month for hospital and doctors' bills.  (Of course, there is no health insurance there.)

I felt sorry for her because she was always under such pressure to financially support her family.  I personally feel that they sort of took advantage of her generous nature at times.  Nearly all of her personal income was sent home.  I paid 100% of our home and family expenses during the course of our marriage.

... in response to family support, posted by FLASH2D on Jul 8, 2003

Having seen quite a few families and what they have to do in order to get by, if it is not a problem, $100-$400 a month sent back to your ladies family really helps out a lot. Maybe more than most of us can imagine. And generally they know how to stretch a dollar. For example, I sent a girlfriend some money last month. Then I spoke with her to see if the money arrived by Western Union, and in the conversation she tells me she had to try to negotiate with the landlady for the landlady wanted to increase the monthly rent from $35.00 per month to $40.00.
Most of us would not even blink at a $5.00 a month increase, but to them it is important. It just shows what a small amount of money will do for them.

... in response to family support, posted by FLASH2D on Jul 8, 2003

We occasionally send $100 to Marina's mother or grandmother from time to time.  Before Marina comes home, she'll probably give $100 to each of them, to help them out.  Birthdays cost us about $100, and occasional medical problems hit us up for usually $100-200 (her mother and grandmother both are not in the best of health...).

... in response to family support, posted by FLASH2D on Jul 8, 2003

ggg

... in response to Typically send $200-$300 every quarter o..., posted by Stevo on Jul 8, 2003

thanks for all the input. i didn't realize this was such a widespread practice. at 200 a month, less than a days work to help out the family isn't so bad. it probably makes the little lady happy to. sounds like most of you have offered as opposed to it being a demand and that's how i would prefer it.

... in response to family support, posted by FLASH2D on Jul 8, 2003

I provide support for my wife's mother and father in Colombia.  My wife was an only child living at home and so the loss of her income made a big difference on her parents finances.  However even so that support amounts to only about $100 a month.

... in response to family support, posted by FLASH2D on Jul 8, 2003

and her younger sister while we were together. $200 per month.  I wouldn't begrudge it if it's not a lot of money.  I've never known an immigrant that didn't send money back home.  In my mind it's an admirable trait.

... in response to family support, posted by FLASH2D on Jul 8, 2003

I have never been asked but I do know that the two women I corresponded with over time each had a burning desire to come to the US and find a job so that they could send money home to their families.  Many of them worry about their parents when both have to retire and live only on  a small pension,sometimes as little as $15 a month.   In smaller towns there is even fewer jobs, and lower pay.  One of my friends works at a store and earns about $30 a month, and her father works at a factory and gets about $40 a month, and her mother and brother do not work. (mother is ill and brother can not find a job)  I have often wondered how anyone could live like that, but the pool their money and survive.  They are a close family and I am sure that is required to survive in many circumstances.  It is sad.  
    When I was in St. Pete I was shocked to learn how much fruit costs there.  The costs was about the same as fruit cost here. Before I took my friend to the train station she wanted to buy some fruit for the trip, and bought enough fruit to feed three people.  She was very shy about it but I really think it was a very nice treat for her, as she finished all of it before she arrived home some 20 hours later.  When ever we went to dinner or lunch, and she ordered a salad she would ask for extra tomatoes, or load up on them at a salad bar.  "I like tomatoes" she said.  And it seemed she did not get tomatoes that often, and fi the fruit shop in St. Pete was anything like what she had in her town, much of it was very poor quality.  Additionally, they grow many of their own things in summer, and I assume can them, but in winter fruit and the like can be very expensive if available. She never complained about her situation and never asked for money.  In fact when she left St. Pete I gave her some money to take with her. And she asked in a very shocked way Why?   And I almost had to put it in her suitcase as she first refused.  One last note on how poor some of these people are.   I took her to dinner every night we were there and one night it was sushi.  There were no prices on the menu at this place, and in the end, she saw the check by accident, and saw it was $90 (we ordered well but even I thought it was a bit steep).  She took the check in her hands which were now trembling a little as she looked with disbelief at it.  I had to calm her down and she felt guilt she I had to spend so much on dinner.  
  I am certain if she ever leaves Russia she would want to send money to her parents but I suspect she would not wish to send large sums. Although we decided that a long distance relationship was not in the cards, I still send her about $100 a month.  (about $300 every three of four months)   This represents more than the family total income, but is a small price to pay to me.  I look upon it as I would giving money to a charity, but this one has a face and a name, and is more real to me.   It helps to think she can afford fruit now and can eat better.  I have often wondered if the reason many of these women, though beautiful, are sometimes so thin.  

Robert D.

... in response to Re: family support, posted by Robert D on Jul 8, 2003

Thanks Robert for your very touching post.  Most Russians and Ukrainians do try very hard to have a small garden of their own in the summer growing season.  Most produce is stored by canning or pickling.  Fresh produce is a large gift.  Like fresh tomatoes.  One is lucky to have a garden near to ones home.  Many will travel miles to a public garden on the outskirts of town where people have their own family plots...little gardens.  Food has always been a very rare and accessible commidity there.  This can be difficult for us,  with such abundance to fathom.

... in response to Re: Re: family support, posted by tim360z on Jul 10, 2003

thanks.   I did not grow up well off at all, though better than some in my neighorbood.    I take nothing for granted and my heart goes out to such people.  It is easy to send the money knowing it will be used well, and that most of it is not going to administrative salaries for non profits.  I also know she does not drink or smoke as she did not when I met her.  (barely a glass of wine which caused her to be dizzy)  I wish we could spend some of our foreign aid sending americans (those who complain day after day) to see how lucky even many poor people are in the US.  I visited
Cuba a few years ago and came away with even stronger feelings   There not only are they poor but lack even the most simple freedoms.   And just 90 miles from our coast yet know very little about us.  And the poverty was worse than what I saw in Russia.

We are so very lucky.  By the way my friend and her mother must take a one hour bus ride out in the boondocks to work their garden.   I am told from time to time people steal the food before they can harvest it.  

Robert D.

... in response to Re: family support, posted by Robert D on Jul 8, 2003

I mean, give him something to look forward each day.

IF he can't find a job, make one for him.
You gotta plant the seeds of capitalism for those who have don't know really what it's all about - the independence etc...

... in response to Re: Re: family support...why don't you c..., posted by wsbill on Jul 8, 2003

Don't know anything about him or what kind of business would work in their small town. But I agree it is better to teach a man to fish.

Robert D.