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Hey guys...

Been awhile... just wanted to say hi, and to say that everything is going great.

Had an interesting thing happen, which I would thought I would pass along, for the few who may be interested...

I had heard and read about how women come here and are shocked by everything. Some are so homesick they cry themselves to sleep. Some go through radical personality changes as they try to adjust. Some actually end up returning home because the culture shock is too great.

I decided that I would try to cushion the blow for Victoria as much as possible. But, it really can't be done. The fact is that America is just plain nothing like what they are used to, and all of the preparing for it in the world doesn't seem to help.

They simply have to go through it, and you simply have to be there for them, is my experience.

Victoria and I talked about it a lot before she got here. And she had seen TV and movies. She thought, and I thought, we had done our homework.

And then she arrived here and spent the first month walking around in shock. You have to put yourself in her position... in her hometown, she was an extremely self-sufficient person. She has a higher degree, and was the head (Chief) of an agricultural plant, and had 16 people reporting to her.

Here, she can't buy a loaf of bread unless I drive her to the store.

Added to that is the fact that *everything* is different here. Not just the language. When I took her to Kroger's it was a numbing experience for her.

She was quiet a lot the first month she was here. I thought it was a language thing, or maybe she was just quiet ... but in actuality, she was trying her best to absorb her new surroundings.

We talk about all of this now, but at the time, she was in such a stunned state, that she didn't even know where to begin.

Like I said... now she is fine. She knows where to go to buy things she needs... she has a grasp on our monetary system... and she even has her own credit cards now, so she can order things online, or buy things at the airport when we travel, or whatever...

But the first month here, there were times she wanted to go home badly. The only thing that stopped her, was that she didn't want to leave me. If we could have all moved to Kiev or Kherson, she would have done it in a minute.

I don't think we fully understand how much these women sacrifice in all of this.

A man *might* be scammed by someone when he starts on this journey... but for the woman, she *will* give up everything and everyone she knows. It's sobering...

Anyway, the thing is I was going to take Victoria to Vegas and get married when she first got here. Unfortunately, I ended up out of vacation time, and because I took off two weeks to go to Warsaw, I had things at work back up... so we ended up getting married here in Texas in a simple ceremony.

Life somtimes even things out, though. And, two weeks ago, I went to San Diego on business, and took Victoria with me. Since we were so close to Vegas, we made a side trip there... sort of a delayed honeymoon.

We had a chance to have a lovely dinner with KenC and his wife. That was a great time... and then we headed off to Vegas.

My wife is an Egyptology buff, so we stayed at the Luxor.

She walked into the hotel with me and just gasped. Shock and awe again... but this time it was a good thing. She just *loved* it. And she loved Vegas.

I am sure, though, that had I taken her there in December, she would have been so numb by everything that she couldn't even begin to appreciate it all.

This time, she was fluent enough in English to carry on conversations with the people we met... She enjoyed the shows we saw -- partially because she understood the language (even the slang)... and she had her own Visa card so she could buy presents for her son and my daughter without having to ask me for help (or money) and it was just a really great time for both of us.

We are definitely going back to Vegas.

But as we reflected on the whole trip, it made us both stop and think about how far she has come in six short months, and how good it was that we didn't get to Vegas back when I wanted to go.

As the song says, sometimes God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers...

Anyway, for anyone who is curious, I put some pictures of our trip out west at:

http://groups.msn.com/HappilyEverAfter/vegasbaby.msnw

Hope everyone is well...

-MarkInTx

... in response to Vegas, Shock, and Awe, posted by MarkInTx on Jun 16, 2003

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... in response to Vegas, Shock, and Awe, posted by MarkInTx on Jun 16, 2003

Thank you for the very informative and interesting post, Mark.

My fiancee passed her interview this week and will be here in about one month, so I needed to hang on every word about adjustment and will take your advice to heart.

Those photos are great! You two really look good together.

I wish you and your family the best.

Take care-- Scaught

... in response to Vegas, Shock, and Awe, posted by MarkInTx on Jun 16, 2003

Yeah, yeah, nice pix, but you left out the important stuff, like who's still dealing a good single deck game.

Seriously, I read all the posts before I wrote this, about how she had a hard time adjusting, but you let her learn on her own yet were there for her, the kids adjusting, the firm (but not violent) parenting (and she backs you up about that, none of that 'you can't do that to MY child' stuff that a lot of step fathers hear)...all sounds pretty good, I'm happy for you all and keep doing things right.

... in response to Vegas, Shock, and Awe, posted by MarkInTx on Jun 16, 2003

Yes, the culture shock can be significant coming from a totally different culture, speaking a different language, and dealing with the homesickness.

So glad to hear you are both getting through it well.

- Jeff S.

... in response to Vegas, Shock, and Awe, posted by MarkInTx on Jun 16, 2003

and insight.  You seem to have thought many things through quite well,  keep up the good work. Nice pic's. Tim

... in response to Vegas, Shock, and Awe, posted by MarkInTx on Jun 16, 2003

nice pictures! You make a great couple and I am glad to hear Victoria is adjusting well. Is she starting to drive? It is great that you spend all that time together - it certainly helps her to adjust faster.

Russian Wife

... in response to Re: Vegas, Shock, and Awe, posted by RW on Jun 17, 2003

Thanks! Actually, she hasn't started driving yet.

At first she resisted the idea that she would have to (right away) I think our dinner with Lena (KenC's wife) helped convince her that she does need to. Right now, we are in the midst of a move. When that is finished we're going to work on her driving license in earnest.

How is life with your new family member coming? Are you getting any sleep yet?

... in response to Thank You, posted by MarkInTx on Jun 17, 2003

Sleep??? What's that? :)

No, seriously we are doing great. I am enjoying my time with baby so much, I am not sure I want to go back to 8-5 office work.

Everything has been going well and my husband and mother-in-law have been a great support. My mother and sister are coming next month, so it will be really fun.

All the best to you and Victoria.

... in response to Vegas, Shock, and Awe, posted by MarkInTx on Jun 16, 2003

I've been asked how we dealt with the Shock I mentioned. Here are, off the top of my head, some things...

Things that helped:

1. I work from home, so I was here for her.

2. *Daily* trips. Since she can really only go places when I drive her there, we would go out every day to do something. Shopping, Post Office, Anything. It kept her from feeling Cabin Fever.

3. Carte blank to call home. By her decision she called home once a week. But I wouldn't have cared if it were every day (especially at first.) Phone cards are cheap.

4. Her own Visa card. At first she thought it was silly. Since she is not working, I decided to take $200 from every pay, and put it into an account which we opened in her name. Yeah, it seems silly. But I stressed it was her money. She could do whatever she wanted with it. By the time we got to Vegas, she could buy whatever she wanted. When we were in the airport and she wanted to buy a travel book about San Diego, you should have seen her face when she realized that she didn't have to ask me. She just took out her card and bought it. Independence.

5. The biggest thing: I promised her we will go to Kherson next June. The moment we carved that in stone, she could start thinking about all of the things we will do when we get there. It helped bring home closer to her, when she had a definite date when she will return -- with her husband. She has all sorts of plans of things we must do, and people we must meet. It really energized her, even though it is a year away.

FWIW

... in response to Vegas, Shock, and Awe, posted by MarkInTx on Jun 16, 2003

nt

... in response to Nice pics.....nt, posted by Cold Warrior on Jun 17, 2003

Thanks... how's your new campaign coming? Are the weapons of Mass Seduction working for you?  ;-)

... in response to Re: Nice pics....., posted by MarkInTx on Jun 17, 2003

Yeah its working. I browsed over 2000 profiles,choose 57, wrote to 25 and in 2 weeks had whittled it down to 1 girl in Minsk. Might visit her in August. Glad to hear everything is OK with you an Victoria and kids.

... in response to Vegas, Shock, and Awe, posted by MarkInTx on Jun 16, 2003

Glad you are happy.   YOu always have nice posts.  

Robert D.

... in response to Vegas, Shock, and Awe, posted by MarkInTx on Jun 16, 2003

Glad to hear that Victoria is adjusting to her new home.  It isn't an easy adjustment for most women.  It looks like your patience and understanding, combined with your lady's determination to adapt has paid off.  Congratulations!

Has Victoria's son been adjusting ok as well?  Was it easier on him or more difficult?  How have your two children adapted to each other?  

Just curious...

... in response to Nice Photos!, posted by John K on Jun 17, 2003

Yes, you are right. A large part of this was Victoria's determination to do this. I think of a woman comes over here not sure... then she will probably bail. It is hard... it really is.

The biggest challenge for us has been the two children adjusting to each other -- or maybe more correctly -- adjusting to the fact that they are no longer an only child.

They do play together a bit now. But it seems like for every hour they spend arguing, they spend 60 minutes fighting...  Driving to the grocery store with them in the back can be nerve-rattling someimes.

As far as Stas' adjustment... he made the adjustment quickly. There were a few times, early on, when he talked to his mom about going home. But this was more on the level of a little boy threatening to run away from home than anything serious. (When he felt he wasn't getting enough attention, he would play the "I want to go homne" card. It ended one day when Victoria walked in the room where he was crying with a box of kleenex. She shut the door and said. "Good news, I have an hour free now. And I have a box of Kleenex here. Since you want me to see you cry, I thought I could spend the next hour watching you. Here... have a kleenex." And she sat down and said nothing, but watched him cry. That lasted about two minutes. He hasn't done it since...)

Stas loves school here. One thing about Texas schools -- they are pretty geared towards kids who don't speak English. He was in mainstream classes, and pulled out for ESL once a day. But he understands English well, and speaks it pretty well. The teachers loved him and he made several friends. When we had a birthday party for him, he invited four kids, and three showed up -- which is pretty good these days. In fact, the one who didn't make it had a soccer game, or he said he would have come.

Stas has quickly changed his diet to line up with an American kid's diet -- much to his mother's chagrin. ("But, you used to *love* salad!... you had Pizza just yesterday..." etc)

Stas is actually a pretty good kid, but we do have our moments sometimes. One thing that helps is that Victoria lets me be the dad -- even when she disagrees with me. (She thinks I am too hard on both children...) I don't hit the kids or anything like that. But I will raise my voice, and I will demand that certain rules are followed.

Over all, we are adjusting. There have even been "Family" moments that we have all enjoyed. One thing I have implemented is that almost every evening we all sit down as a family and watch a movie together. Victoria resisted at first (she always seems to have ironing to do...) but I wanted us to do it as a family. Of course, the other side of it is that it helps English skills.

Now, it is something that everyone -- including Victoria -- enjoys and looks forward to us. Blockbuster knows us all by name.

So, there have sure been challenges. The relationship between Victoria and me has never been better. She is pure gold, and everything I was hoping for. The kids offer a challenge but... well... that's parenting, right?

... in response to Vegas, Shock, and Awe, posted by MarkInTx on Jun 16, 2003

....... for any of us who still plan to pursue this road.

To quote you;
"I don't think we fully understand how much these women sacrifice in all of this."

I can imagine, only imagine; the fragility of it all sometimes frightens me!

Thanks for sharing those *impacting* moments and all of the life adjustments that contribute to this *expedition* being a success. Truly grateful.

Best wishes to you both !
J

... in response to Vegas, Shock, and Awe, posted by MarkInTx on Jun 16, 2003

The abundance of products to choose from ?

The lack of block style flats/homes ?

Give us some examples where she was mentally overloaded and wanted to go home.  And how did you rectify the situation.

How is her boy copeing ?

... in response to Re: What shocked her ?, posted by wsbill on Jun 16, 2003

What shocked her?

Everything. That's what I meant. Everything here is different. The language. The monetary system. The way people act. The Stores. The Food. The size of the buildings. The way we drive everywhere and walk nowhere.

Everything.

Culture shock. Plain and simple.

I didn't "rectify the situation".  She simply had to live through it.

I was there for her. Understanding. And supportive.

But the pain was all hers.

It is like the man standing next to his wife who is giving childbirth. You can say: "OK, honey, now breathe!" But it doesn't stop the pain... and you really can't know the pain she is experiencing...

... in response to Re: What shocked her ?, posted by wsbill on Jun 16, 2003

Give it up Bill!  Get on a plane and go back...  (and I can point to many examples where you've been mentally overloaded and need to go back to the UR or RU)  Lol..

... in response to Re: Re: What shocked her ?, posted by BrianN on Jun 17, 2003

Hey Brian!

Glad to hear you survived the cold winter...

Drop me a line, I want to catch up (and I think you changed your email since last we chatted...)

... in response to Vegas, Shock, and Awe, posted by MarkInTx on Jun 16, 2003

many photos from my Vegas trip that look a lot like yours.  Lots of 'babe' photos. Guess it can't be helped when you've got yourself a 'looker'.

Stevo

... in response to Hey! Did you steal my photos?! Honestly,..., posted by Stevo on Jun 16, 2003

Nope... but I did steal that white suit when you weren't looking ;-)

As for the babe... ain't it great... we each have our own :-)

BTW... where is that URL to *your* Vegas pictures...??? I'd love to compare angles on our respective Landmark shots...