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Time for serious subject !!!

I have done a lot of research and have asked many questions reference the way a RW/UW raise there kids. It is much different than we do in America, our American kids are spoiled, they have tons of toys and we often buy there affection. RW/UW can't do this, it seems to me there is true affection in the RW/UW home, and this started centuries ago, and has not changed very much.

I have learned and understand the RW/UW raise there kids like our parents of the 30's 40' and 50's raise us, but in today's society our kids are out-spoken, and some have manners of a rock.

So how did/do you married guys work with your RW/UW to overcome the difference in cultures and kids? It seems to me that the kids can make or break a good relationship that you may have with your RW/UW..

What are the expectations of your RW/UW? Did you talk about this before, or after she arrived?

And what did talk about, did it work or did you adjust to each situation?

I would like to hear all that have married or going to marry a RW/UW and find out what your/her expectations are set at.

Thanks,

TomTx

... in response to Kids of RW and integrating them into Ame..., posted by TomTx on Jan 17, 2003

I would have to agree with every point that Charles made.  It sounds like we have twins!  

I guess I am feeling pretty lucky.  My fiance's son (7 last Sept) has not had one single temper outburst, nothing.  He is very appreciative and is very adaptable and obedient but is still able to be a happy, fun kid.  I met other women with kids in the FSU and you could tell when the Mother had really spent time with a child and when they had not.  My girl is an exceptional Mother, one of the things I was really looking for.
As Charles has related already, my girls son is also quiet when he first meets adults but if they take the time to get to get to know him a little, he will be roughhousing in a minute.  He is very polite, brings his plate to the sink after dinner and says thank you.. that kind of thing.  He knew practically zero English when he started school a few weeks ago and was already reading the first week..  The teacher says he is extremely well behaved in class and is learning very fast.  As Mark said about his experience, the kids have been very nice to him and were excited that he was reading so quickly.  Maybe it's the innocent age still, but the kids have been terrific with him, showing him what bus to take home and which stop to get off etc..

My girl has been extremely open to my suggestions about her son (latest example was when he got sick and how to treat him, as I wrote about already).  She trusts me and knows that I care for him.      

It ALL depends on the woman IMO..  If you get a woman who was more interested in partying, her child will reflect that.  If she has been extremely involved with her child, that will be obvious to see as well.  I say this a lot here and it still goes for finding out about a womans child-
If you will spend a LOT of time with the womans child and the rest of her family, you will learn what you need to know..

... in response to Kids of RW and integrating them into Ame..., posted by TomTx on Jan 17, 2003

My experience is with one woman, her daughter, and her immediate family.  In my case there was a definite difference in child rearing styles.  In fact this is one of the major points that caused me to end my relationship Tanya.  I was brought up in a rather "old fashioned" environment.  I did not argue with my parents, I spoke respectfully to them etc. and if I did not do these things I was disciplined.

Tanya's daughter (9 year old) would tell her mother, grandparents, etc. no, refuse to do what she was asked, argue etc..  The adults just seemed to let this behavior go.  This was not done just to avoid a scene in my presence either.  Here is an example.  Shortly before our relationship ended I sent Marina (daughter) some birthday gifts.  While the gifts were still in the mail I spoke to Tanya on the phone.  During our conversation she told me that Marina was having trouble in school because she was not doing her home work.  I told Tanya to not give Marina her gifts until Marina had gotten caught up in school and was doing her home work.  I even offered to tell Marina this myself.  Tanya's response was "Oh no, I can't do this Marina would be angry".  This was a fairly typical response to these sort of situations from all of the adults (Grandparents, Aunts, Cousins).

I agree that the Russian home appears to be more openly affectionate then many American homes and your observations in regards to material possessions is in general very accurate.  Also, my experience only involves one family so it may not be typical.

It is just my 2 cents.

... in response to Re: Kids of RW and integrating them into..., posted by Philb on Jan 17, 2003

Your observation is exactly the way my 7 y.o. stepson's behavior was a year and a half ago when he first arrived here.
He was obedient to everyone...except his own mother, he treated her as his personal servant.
 My first observation was that whenever he needed to go to the toilet he would summon his mother...to wipe his arse, he could not do it himself. When it was time for his evening shower...again summon her to wash his body, not able to do it himself. He was not capable of any personal hygiene, could not brush his own teeth, dress himself and table manners were non existant.................
 But that all changed! I put my foot down and made immediate demands for him to be self sufficient...it took about 2 weeks and my wife noticed she was no longer needed...she was happy with the improvements, she even told her mother in Moscow of these remarkable improvements and his behavior improved towards her also.
At 9 years old, his own babushka would not even recognize him. He was not a bad kid, it was just that his mother and grandmother never refused him or demanded from him to grow up, if anything else they were raising him as a girl. At 7 y.o. he had absolutely no interest in outside sports, he liked to play with girls playing hop scotch and he even had a doll he brought with him from Russia.
Now he is about to turn 9 y.o., he is involved in a basketball league right now...not very good...but learning, swims and plays tennis at my health club and next month I will be signing him up for baseball.
 The kid could not be happier...just to be on a team, even though he may never have any talent as a "sportsman" as my wife calls it...he just enjoys being involved with his peers.
 At school he has never been in trouble, though I worried his heavy Russian accent could cause some teasing...he seems to blend in like a normal kid...in fact he tells me that he has many friends now, he says he did not have any back in Moscow...all of his neighbors were girls...

... in response to Kids of RW and integrating them into Ame..., posted by TomTx on Jan 17, 2003

Very good questions, Tom.  Here is my take based on the large number of Russian families in the D.C. Area:

1)  Generally, the children learn English very rapidly.
2)  Russian children are generally well-behaved.  However, they tend to be quiet in public, particularly around adults.
3)  I disagree with your view that Russian children are  less materialistic because they are not "spoiled".  Believe me, once they're here, they will want all of the same things American children want - designer clothes, video games, etc....
4)  Bringing a teenage child - boy or girl - from the FSU will present difficulties and challenges.  It is the ONLY  difficult thing I have faced in my otherwise wonderful and fantastic marriage.   I have a laundry list of other families with similar situations.  

There are many things that go into evaluating a potential RW, and children is a very important one.  Generally, the younger the children, the easier the adjustment and less problems, assuming both parents/steparents are motivated to help the children.  I highly recommend that you meet the child before making any final decisions, and have a clear game plan as to how to assist the child, as well as your new wife, with adjustment to life in America.

... in response to Re: Kids of RW and integrating them into..., posted by Charles on Jan 17, 2003

In general, I agree with Charles' assessments...

1. Stas is in regular school here. He has ESL classes, but is at grade level already in the rest of his studies. He enjoys school, and seems to be making friends easily. (They are fascinated by his culture. No one is making fun of him for it.)

2. Hahaha... Stas is not at all quiet around me. The only time I saw him quiet was the first time I took him to Chuckie Cheese's. In some ways he is better behaved than my daughter, and in other ways less. Part of that is that expectations on him are different here. Also, he is learning, and so will answer almost anything with: "Why?" Sometimes this feels like he is challenging my authority, even though I don't think he means to. So part of it is me. I will say this for him, though, he is a LOT better about helping with chores and things. He will do whatever we ask him to do and never complain about it. In fact, he genuinely seems to enjoy helping out with chores -- something that is NOT true about my daughter.

3. Yes. They learn VERY quickly.

4. I can't say, but that makes sense to me. The longer the child is used to being the center of the parent's world, the more they will resist change. Also, to discipline a child without them resenting it, you have to have invested a lot of love in the child's life. Clearly, a teenager has lived a long time without any step-parent investment, so they woudl probably rebel more over discipline. And, of course, teen-ager's are in a rebellious stage of life, anyway....

... in response to I don't know many couples but..., posted by MarkInTx on Jan 17, 2003

Charles, I agree with your post and Mark thanks for sharing you evaluation of Stas and his adjustment.

Charles since Mark knows me a little better I will explain. My lady will be here in June, she has a little boy he is 8, and his name is also Stas like Mark's new son. I have met Stas twice, so we have a total time of about 3 weeks together. And he was very well behaved, a little jealous at times of me, but I just made sure that I paid him just as much attention to him as I did his mother, and she got a little jealous. I think this will be just a matter of time before all is comfortable and they both feel secure.

Charles like Mark was, I am a single dad also my boy is also 8 going on 20 if you know what I mean, I am sure Mark understand this. Yes Mark I agree I think Stas will take direction better than my son; my son is kind of argumentive at times, and since I live in the country I can hang HIGH from a tree, (JUST KIDDING).

Thanks for the input guys, I am just searching for all information so I can make sure that I have 3rd base and home plate covered and be prepared as much as possible. I am working on my sons adjustment to the new family at this point, talking, explaining and having him participate in the planning, he is very excited.

Thanks again,
TomTx  

... in response to Thanks Charles & MarkinTx, posted by TomTx on Jan 17, 2003

The real challenge will be splitting your time three ways in which all three people in your life think it is fair.

Every other night either Stas or my daughter will think I spent too much time with the other one.

And my wife enjoys my time, too :-) (Lucky for me my dog doesn't care about me anymore, now that he has Victoria!)

I remember a few years ago I coached a kid's hockey league.

I had three lines I would try to roll out evenly, since I was one of those coaches who thought everyone should play, not just my stars.

Anyway, I always knew I was doing a good job when all three lines were complaining about ice time!

If one line was quiet, then I knew I was favoring them...