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The front door clicks open and Bill steps into the living room. Olga
forces herself to turn and smile. She mustn't let Bill think she's not
happy! Bill grins widely and says, "hi, honey!" God almighty, Bill
thinks. He hasn't been on 2 dates in 20 years, and here's this slim,
sexy young girl, standing in his living room putting her arms around
him, mashing her breasts against his chest as he kisses her deeply
and squeezes her tight, firm butt. This can't be real. Trying to ignore
a throbbing erection, he goes into the bedroom and kicks off his
shoes and changes clothes, dropping his Dockers in a pile on the floor.

Bill drags his hand across Olga's butt as he walks into the kitchen.
Suddenly he stops and stares at the stove, with a concerned, worried
look. "You mean THIS is SUPPER? A pan of SPINACH?" Olga
turns away in pain, sighing heavily. Oh, God, here we go again. Bill
sees this and steps over to her, grabbing her shoulders and turning
her around.

"Hey, honey, that's all right, we'll just cook something else, don't
worry about it. But you know, you need to learn how to cook; we
can't live on spinach and salami 7 days a week. " Olga looked at
the floor and nodded in submission. She felt like such a stupid
idiot, but of course she didn't dare say anything. "Hey," Bill
belched, "tell you what... this weekend, we'll get out one of my
mom's recipe books and I'll start teaching you how to cook some
of this American stuff, OK????" Yeah, sure, I'm a brainless
idiot who can't even cook for her husband, and YOU'RE going to
"teach me how." Wonderful, she thinks. I feel better already.

Olga shrugs. Bill's supposed to be her friend, her husband, not
her teacher or father, and she gets exasperated from him talking to her
as if she were a child, and constantly expecting her to agree with
everything he says. But she doesn't want to disappoint him. After
all, SHE is the "odd" one here, with everything to learn, not Bill.

Glancing out the window, she sees the neighbor's teenage girl
drive off in a minivan. Her mother walks out the sidewalk, picks
up the newspaper and sits on the front porch reading it.

Oh! Olga remembers. The phone call! She steps up to Bill
to announce this important information. "Bill, a man called today
and said he had some important information about your bank
account." Bill glared at her angrily: "Really? What did he say?"

Olga replied intensely, "it was something about 'credit insurance'."
Of course, she had no concept of "credit insurance," but she
knew it was important.

She proudly said, in her best English, "I got his phone number
right here, and he wants you to call him as soon as impossible.
He said it was VERY important."

Olga stood silently, proud of herself, and waited for his
reaction.

Bill threw up his arms and shook his head, bellowing loudly,
"Oh, s**t, Olga! That was just some idiot trying to sell us
something. When you get a call like that, just hang up the
phone, don't waste time talking to those stupid people!"

Bill, still staring at the pan of lukewarm spinach,
looked at the ceiling and shook his head back and forth in
exasperation, exhaling noisily. He farted.

Olga clenched her teeth. She was beginning to understand
what one RW meant when she said, "in America, I am forced
to be stupid." She stared at Bill's back with her blood turning
to ice.

As Bill ignored her and rummaged through the refrigerator
looking for something to eat, Olga wondered what to do
next. He sat at the table with a bowl of spinach and some
cold cuts and a can of beer, gulping it down. She sat by
him and tried to make some conversation, feeling lonely from
being in the silent house all day. "Bill," she said, "how was your
day?" She tried valiantly to break the ice between them.

"Oh, you know, same old thing," he barked.

Olga smiled and looked out the window at the empty flower
pots on the porch. Russians love flowers. "Bill,
when you finish, can we go buy some flowers?" She'd been
cooped up in the house all day, and it would be nice for them
to get out and do something together. She thought about
how nice some pretty red flowers would look on that porch.
In Russia, she could never afford such things. For the price
of a batch of flowers, you could buy a week's supply of
potatos.

Bill winced and bobbed his head. "Honey, I'm tired, I just
got home from work, I don't want to turn around and go
back out the door. Besides, there's a game on tonight, it
starts in 30 minutes. No way I'm gonna go anywhere, it's
the Packers and the Raiders. Man! Lemma tell ya about those
Packers! They got a new running back, see, and..."

Olga sighed and gazed into empty space. Bill said, "hey, listen,
I'm trying to talk to you. Don't ignore me when I'm trying to
talk to you, OK? You do that all the time, you know? God,
man, I'm just a guy trying to talk to his wife, you know?"

Olga replied tensely, "I'm not ignoring you, I just don't
know anything about football; it's just not important to
me, and you know, the porch would look so much nicer
with some flowers..."

... in response to Something for you to read part2, posted by Natalya on Apr 1, 2002

forget the vertical sports - do the horizontal ones.
been there done that
Russian ladies are the nicest
At least those I've met.
What you give to a relationship you get back.
Dave

... in response to Something for you to read part2, posted by Natalya on Apr 1, 2002

Natalya,

That is one of the saddest posts I have read in a long time.  I call this turning a "mistake into a disaster".  Dating Bill was a mistake for Olga.  Marrying him was a disaster.

The truth is that when there is unequal power in a relationship, there is an opportunity for abuse by the partner with the most power.  Inherantly when a RW marries a AM and comes to the US, there is going to be this unequality merely because of the situation.  If a RW makes the mistake of marrying a man that lacks sensitivity, the marriage is not going to be a pretty sight a year down the road.

A lack of real communication leads to most of the problems that these relationships endure.  Real communication because of language and cultural differences is very rare in the 1st year.  My Russian wife was similar to Olga in many ways.  She was smart, and constantly trying to please me.  In my eagerness to help her with her many struggles to adjust to life in the United States, her self esteem slipped.  I didn't realize this was happening till real damage was done to the relationship.  Looking back, I know now that it is often better to sit back, shut up, and let the lady figure things out for herself.  The "fast track" to Americanizing the lady causes alot of this grief.  The fast track is where the man is pushing and rushing his new bride to learn new things in the 1st year that took him a lifetime to learn.  Rushing the women to learn all these things at a pace faster then she is comfortable with, leads to her feeling stupid.

I believe that both the husband, and the wife hold responsibility for communication.  I was not as insensitive as Bill in your story, but I made many mistakes with my RW, and she did not forget one of them.  Sometimes I would unknowingly anger her, and she would not voice her displeasure in my behaviour.  I would only find out many months later when she would dredge these mistakes back up from the deep.  Usually I couldn't even recall the incident.  This didn't leave me much room to learn and change.  

The Russian women must have the strength of character to stand up and be heard.  To express it when she is sad, or angry without the worry of being "sent back".  I believe that the 1st time the man threatens to send his wife back to Russia, the marriage should end at that moment.  This threatening to send her back is such a violation and insult, it is an indication of complete failure of the marriage. It is merely a method of controlling the women, and is usually the behaviour of a seriously insecure man. In my opinion, many of the Russian women that come to the United States lack the resolve and strength to be willing to walk away from the marriage without worrying about the risk of being sent back or other reprocussions.  Without this resolve to leave IMMEDIATELY, (not after two years), if the relationship is a disaster, the RW should not get on the plane.
 
I believe that many of the men who marry RW have serious flaws in their relationship skills.  That is often how they found themselves in Russia in the 1st place.  Keeping one of these marriages healthy takes two individuals with exceptional relationship skills, patience, and the ability to forgive on a daily basis.  I don't believe that the best place to learn basic relationship skills is with a new Russian bride with many communication and cultural challenges.  After meeting and talking with many men in this process over the last 7 years, this is my observation.

Thank you Natalya for your perspective.  Your presence in this forum is extremely valuable.  These relationships hold the hope for incredible happiness and fulfillment, but they also come with the risk of failure, and for sadness deeper then any relationship between two of the same country.

Hopefully with input such as yours, there can me more happy endings and less of the other.

Most of my insight into making one of these marriages work only came after my wife finally voiced her willingness to leave the marriage.  If the learning, forgiveness, and adjustments to both of our behaviours would have began earlier, we would still be married, no question.

Wayne

... in response to Something for you to read part2, posted by Natalya on Apr 1, 2002

What I actually think would help a lot of people is to go to Russia or Ukraine and live like the natives. A lot of the people who do travel go as part of a group from their country. They aren't isolated from people that they can communicate with. They get a tourist's view of things. Even many of the expats in Russia don't socialize much outside their group.

I was in Russia on my own long enough to experience some similar things to this story. In Canada I am a very independant capable man. In Russia I was helpless. That is an incredibly frustrating thing to have to rely on someone else for everything. When I didn't know how to do simple things it was embarrassing. And the things I could do I did differently than a Russian would. One RW that lives in Canada told me to always remember that feeling when I am with a woman that I bring over. Because she will be feeling it everyday for a long time.

Don't go to Moscow or ST Pete and travel with an interpretor. Go to a smaller city and travel without an organization to help. Then you will gain some insights into what a new immigrant feels. If it wasn't for some very good people who took care of me my trips could have been incredible nightmares.

Doing this wouldn't prevent communication problems like Bill and Olga's but it might give them an understanding of how difficult the transition will be for the woman. Bill and Olga's problems sound like they are more of a man-woman miscommunication than a cross cultural one. I've heard the same complaints from many Canadian and American couples I know.

... in response to Interesting, posted by Zink on Apr 1, 2002

You have written some of my thoughts exactly.  When I returned after my first trip to Russia, I told myself that if I marry and bring a Russian woman to America, I would never let myself forget those feelings of frustration etc. that I experienced at times while in Russia.

The other part I will need to keep in mind is that while I was in Russia I knew that I would be returning home.  If I bring a RW to America returning home would not be an option for her.

... in response to Something for you to read part2, posted by Natalya on Apr 1, 2002

No doubt something like this can occur.  It's a terrible shame.

But to tell you the truth, I haven't figured out that teaspoon vs tablespoon either...  I don't have an electric can opener and my mother doesn't live next door.

Boy, howdy...  That really would be scary for a lady to be in that kind of a life.

But Natalya, what do you think guys in that kind of a situation should do?

No doubt the author made her out to be very young, but lets face it...  How do they cook their meals over there?  They typically buy fresh vegtables and meat.  Why wasn't she trying to cook up something she knew how to make.

All I've got to say is Bill is one luck SOB.

... in response to Re:  Natalya is your name really Olga ?, posted by wsbill on Apr 1, 2002

This guy Bill is simply a good old boy, red neck type.  Who doesn't know the different between his elbow and his...............   Educated by the television, no doubt.
He could not have made it in the US with a girl and will not either with an educated russian girl.
What he really wanted was a slave, not knowing any better.
You cannot teach these people, it is waste of time.
Can't communicate, can't feel anything, think he is one of the lucky few,  life will pass him by and he will never
know about it.

... in response to Re: Re:  Natalya is your name really Olg..., posted by micha1 on Apr 1, 2002

Some of the most simplest people I know have more common sense and feelings that a bunch of bluebloods who think they know it all.

Clearly, this Bill character is insensitve and a bit selfish.

... in response to Re:  Natalya is your name really Olga ?, posted by wsbill on Apr 1, 2002

No my name is Natalya :) But reading this story brought sad memories back to me. I didn't have too hard adjusting time but I can remember having and going thru the same emotions as Olga. Definetely having my daughter next to me had helped alot! It was alot of misunderstandings due to poor English and cultural differences but my husband was more patience and sensitive to me than the character from story.

You asking what guys should do in situation like this? Well first always try to put yourself in RW shoes. Second.Be patient very patient with her and kind. Sort of like a doctor...It takes time to adjust and foolish expect she will be ok in 2 months.For example I got my driving license in Russia which is not too common for lady and  was driving a car for 6 years. It took me almost a 6-9 months to start driving again in US. It is funny that american highways first reminded me video games with cars racing and stuff.... I was afraid to drive 70 miles/hour, afraid to miss the right exit or take south exit rather than north. So it took alot of efforts from my husband to convince me to start driving. He gave me alot of confidence although I know he thought I'm radicilous with all those fears.But he never told me that, never make a fun on this subject.

You say why can't Olga cook some of russian food.Well, being an attorney in Russia she probably didn't have much knowledge of cooking. Another thing to consider alot of AM are very conservative and particular in their food preferences so there is always a chance they have to teach RW how to cook american way because they won't ean any russian red beet soup or cod liver :) BTW, here is another advantage of having RW with child as wife.She knows how to cook. Otherwise you can end up cooking for your wifey and f you after you come back from work :) Just kidding, but there is some truth in it too.