Planet-Love.com Searchable Archives

As you all know, Art's back.  You all know what has tried to do for my wife and I.  Art gave my wife the money she said she needed to pay the Airport tax, terminal fee and get on a plane.  He and I were lead to believe that Ayesa would redeem(sp?) her ticket and get on a plane last week.  I have been waiting for the phone call she promised to make giving me her flight inofrmation. And waiting... and waiting... and WAITING!!!  I have lost any sense of concern and now am downright pissed.  I was going to call tonight and see what I could dig up, like I might get something useful from one of those people over there... Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...  Anyway, here's where things have gone from there.

At 4am, because no matter how many times I explain the time difference that's when I get phone calls, when I am sleeping!, Ayesa's mother called me to ask me to call them tonight at 2am, when I should also be sleeping--NOT listening to more non-explanantions and hearing how my wife is ashamed over the amount of money I have sent to help her family, so she is afraid to ask for more to return to me!!!  How does that make ANY sense!?  

Supposedly, the reason Ayesa is not home is because her mother found out that she is still in Manila and told her to stay there because she was coming to find out what was going on.  Supposedly, her sister--the aunt Ayesa is staying with--called Tambis and told her mother what was going on.  Supposedly, her mother then made arrangements to come to Manila and straighten things out.  Her mother sounds very pissed.  Good!  Someone else needs to be pissed about this besides me!

According to her mother, I am supposed to call Linda at work, Ayesa will be there and she will explain things to me then.  Oh Gooooody, I'm holding my breath!!!

This is breaking me and I have no idea what to do.  The largest part of me--my BRAIN... get your minds out of the gutter!--tells me that Ayesa is just stalling, hoping to throroughly piss me off, so that I will just tell her to F@#$ OFF! and stay there or anywhere she wants as long as it's away from me and it let's me get on with my pathetic life.

Supposedly, it's the whole airport tax again.  I honestly don't know what I'm gonna do.  I'll probaly send the money and I'll probably be no better off than I am now.  I'll loose a little more money, a little more sleep and have no better answers than I do now.  But, I guess that's what I have to do.  Still the only thing that comes to mind is to get her back here so that I can find out just what the F^%^ is going on!  The cousellors I have are of a mixed marriage, maybe they can glean some answers from my wife.

I have an idea how this will all work out, but I've got to try this, don't I?  I will make it perfectly clear that this is the last donation I am making to the Filipino Flight Club.  Will that do any good?  Probably not.

I guess what my next course of action is, for enquiring minds :c), will be to send the money, but in care of her mother.  I will also tell her mother that I expect her to make sure Ayesa gets on a plane.  Beyond that what can I really do?

More later, there is no way this thing will be over without more complications.

H

When we finally met Ayesa said very little and I explained that if she wanted to break up with Howard to just come back to the Hotel and she could use my phone and she and her aunt assured me that she was "interested" in going home.  When I talked to her I felt like Ray that maybe she might be "afraid" of Howard in some way so Marissa and I explained to her how to stay in control of the situation (yes we told Howard we told her how to control him - it was more a confidence building thing than reality).  She during this conversation said things like "I might like to play the drums with his band" and "I like the snow" and "They said I could have my job back when I got there".  None of these things made me feel like she was trying to cheat Howard or that she did not want to go home.

I wanted to go to the airport and wait on the plane with her but she we were headed to Baguio at that time so I couldn't.  But like I said I felt a pretty strong spirit that she was sincere and thats what I told Howard.

I told Howard the things I mentioned above.  I also told him that one of Ayesa's Aunts told me that Ayesa had a boyfriend in Manila at one time and might be staying with him.  But I never saw any proof of that.

Bear

If you want to go crazy now, you have my permission. I know I probably would if I were in your shoes right now :-). But I will say that I admire your determination and your willingness to give your marriage one more chance, when it seems that most guys would have bailed long ago. I truly hope that things work out for you two, even though it doesn’t look very promising right now.

One question: How is it that her aunt was able to phone her mother in Tambis? I thought that you had no way to contact your wife while she was home. I guess that means that she could have phoned you all along if she had wanted to?

Howard, this may seem like a strange thing to say, but it sure sounds like your wife is afraid of you. Sometimes even slightly raising your voice can be quite intimidating to some of these ladies, maybe because we are so much larger than they are. I actually had a similar problem with my first wife for several years, where she was afraid that I would get mad at her, even though I never gave her any reason to think that I would ever harm her or anything like that. So, she kept a lot of things inside rather than risk a confrontation or have me criticize her. We did work it out though and the communication improved immensely in the following years.

I wish you luck dude; I'm sure you'll need it! Keep us posted…

Ray

I was waiting for your opinion.  Usually I find you to be the voice of reason, for whatever that's worth :c)

Thanks for the compliments, but honestly... I'd rather you hated my guts and I was happily married :c)  LOL!

Thanks for all of the support, things will work out however they were meant to, I just wish the ride was a little more smooth, so I could catch a nap!

H

1) Can an attorney-today.  
2) Get up and call when they want you to- the curiosity alone will make you do it.
3) Tell them that you do not have any more money, which is true.
4) Tell your friends and family what is going on.  It may be embarrassing, but you need their support to get through this.
5) Talk to your mother.  You mentioned before that she was close to Ayesa, maybe she can fill in some pieces of this puzzle.  (Maybe you should do this first).
6) Keep sharing with us as long as you feel comfortable.
Many of us have been following your posts for years, and we really do care.

Don

... I'm doing all of the above.  I appreciate everyone's input and hope that I am not wearing on evryone's nerves with the fact that I am having touble, giving up without a fight, no matter what the situation seems to be.

I will keep everyone informed as to what's going on in my head.

Thanks so much for caring, Don!  This place does make things alot easier to deal with :c)

H

Don

Oh boy, Howard, how did a good guy like you get into such a bad mess.... it makes me feel very sad...

You bring up a point that I neglected to mention.  When I talked to her mother she made a point that the money that Ayesa needs is only for Ayesa and that she travelled to Manila to find out what was going on at her own expense and did not need, nor would not accept any money from me for her travel.

Thanks for caring bro, I'm very confused as to how this mess happened myself.

H

Maybe we're not the best guys to be handing each other advice at the moment :c)  Hahahaha  Gotta try and find some humor in this MESS!!!  LOL!

We pretty much see eye to eye on this one.  I figure, if her parents are applying pressure for her to return, there is no way she can think clearly while in Manila.  If I can just get her back here, with the help of a couple of others--who CAN communicate with her in her own language--I may be able to get through to her.  At the very least I can tell her how I feel and not worry that she can't comprehend it.  I don't want to be married to her, if she feels she will never be able to have a normal, healthy marriage with me.  If I can get her back here, maybe we can establish that and if we aren't able to find a way to be happy, without making the other one miserable, then we can divorce and I'll send her home with the story that I got tried of her or something to that effect.  I don't care whose really to blame and whose not, I just want to find peace of mind.  Reagradless of her maturity or lack of concern for my feelings, I don't want her to be an outcast, for not being able to "play ball" to support her family.  If we can't worlk things out and I send her home it's gotta be a whole lot better for her, than if she just tries to hide from her family and me.

Of Course, I haven't pegged a thing right yet with this one

Keep me in your prayers.  I have you and your daughter in mine.

H

Yes.  Typically the courts regard it as a case of abandonment.  Little muss and little fuss.

"Can she come back in 5 years, 10 years, or longer and file for divorce and claim half of your gains and file for permanent spousal support?"

Now that is something to consider, but I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.  Most likely she won't be able to return without another sponsor who would then be on the hook for her.  But then would she be able to come back and sue because she claims she got screwed out of a fair settlement?  I'd hope there'd be some sort of statute of limitations to prevent such shenanigans.

I don't mean to seem hardheaded, I really don't.  And PLEASE don't for one second think that I am not appreciative of your support or that I do not value your opinion, because that is NOT the case.  I just have one ounce of "try" left in me.

I am at my limit and based on what shs has to say to me tonight, I will stand my ground, but I can't help but feel that she and I would be better off if we were able to work on this together, here.

Not that I'm belittling anyone, but I think it's easier to cut and run, or say you would, when it's someone else's wife your cutting in comparison to what you preceive your losses might be at a similar point.  Oh GREAT!, I sound like a LAWYER!!! Sorry, Stephen :c)  I just have trouble believing that if any of you, except Mars--he's a HARDA.$.$ :c)--were in my position that you would walk if there was a shred of hope.  Hopefully, we'll never know if I'm correct or not!

For the record, my hope is that I might be able to really know what's going on.  Even with her return, Ayesa would have to make an uncharacteristic amount of effort for me to even begin to believe that our marriage could be saved.  But I feel I have to make this last offering to the Filipino God of Decency, in order to know that there is or isn't a chance that, while we may not be able to be married, we may be able to find a way to be happy, while not making each other miserable.

Maybe I'm a fool.  Maybe I'm a prophet.  I have no intentions of being a Martyr, I just have to go with my gut.  I hope I haven't pissed anyone off, made you write me off as hopeless or pushed anyone away.  I truely appreciate the fact that you guys care, it makes an intolerable situation a little more tolerable :c)

Either way, I'll no more in a week than I do now.

H

"Every man, wherever he goes, is encompassed by a cloud of comforting convictions that move with him like flies on a summer's day."

--Bertrand Russell

Read what I said.  Maybe in my exhaustion, I'm making less sense than usual, but what I meant to say, and thought I did, was that "with someone else's wife" it's alot easier to say "just cut and run" than it would be if it were your own.  I know your story well and have nothing but admiration for the balls you had to do the right thing for your kids!  

Please don't think that I am somehow mocking you, because I wouldn't do that.  Well... not about that anyway :c)

H

First, if there is this much drama and confusion when she is in Manila and you are in Detroit....just imagine how bad it's gonna be if both of you are in Detroit.  You won't get any more explanation out of her if you bring her back.

Second, you recall that Tim and some others posted about how she can still have some rights because she is your spouse.  If you get her back over here to America then what about the Affidavit of Support that you signed?  That could come back to bite you in the butt.  I'm saying that Manila is just the place you want her to be....out of your hair.  If you bring her back to America then you're bringing danger right into you own home.  You may not know all the answers you want to know....BUT YOU KNOW ENOUGH TO MAKE A GOOD DECISION ON THIS MATTER.  She's not going to stay with you.

Third, the only call you should make to the Philippines is to a hit-man.

Howard....you're becoming a masochist.(sp)  Get on with you life.  Don't hurt yourself anymore.

Stephen

PS:

Of course, Stephen & I still want you & Ayesa together but I don't think that thing is going to happen. Best of luck to you.

Tess