Fourth Year Wedding Anniversity

[DCNUPEEddie]

My wife and I will be celebrating our 4th year wedding anniversity next month.  We have one child and another on the way.  I was 35 and she was 24 when we first met.  We live outside of Wash. DC.  This area is desirable for a Latina.  Its not NYC or Miami but damn near.  She has drastically improved her English within the last year.  For the first 3 years we spoke mostly Spanish.  However, she has finally learned that to get ahead here, she needs to speak English.  She goes to class twice a week for 3 hours a night.  The best thing about it – it’s free.  Our daughter speaks and understands Spanish better than English.  But I’m sure that will change soon.

She still doesn’t work – but that is mainly due to the fact that she has been pregnant and taking care of our daughter and soon to be new child.  But she wants to work and after six months to a year from now, I will encourage her to seek employment and put our children in daycare even though that will probably take most of “her” salary.  I believe she needs to learn the responsibilities of working and budgeting.

Now that brings me to some of the less fortunate things I’ve dealt with in my marriage.  Finances.  We often argue about this subject.  Since I’m the sole provider I tend to make the decisions on how the money is spent.  We have disagreements or better yet full blown arguments about that.  Shopping – is another problem.  Again, I regulate what is bought.  I would rather not – but that is the situation were in now.  When she able to make her own money, for the most part I won’t have any problems with her spending her own money.  As long as it is spent here and not sent to her parents.  Special occasions I won’t object, but mostly the money is for “our” family.  

We also have disagreements on how our children are raised.  I hate spoiled kids.  That is not how I was raised.  There was a lot of disciple in my house growing up.  That is how I want it to be in my house.  However, my wife had different ideas.  We bump heads a lot on this subject.  

I know I have outlines most of the disagreements or problems we have in our marriage but the good times definitely outweigh the bad times.  She rarely complains about anything other than the things I previously outlined.  She keeps the house presentable, she manages her wifely duties well.  We enjoy most of the same things.  She never seems to age.  She is working to keep her shape even although I keep making her stomach bigger.  But we agreed that this will be our last baby – thanks to medical technology.  

Just some thoughts from a dude who has been there, done it and still doing it! Later
Peace/cuidate
Eddie

[utopiacowboy]

... in response to Fourth Year Wedding Anniversity, posted by DCNUPEEddie on Jan 26, 2005

Good for you! I am glad to see that despite some issues, you are happy together. I can relate to the language issues. My wife and I communicate in Spanish even though she has been going to English classes 10 hours a week for the past year. I am finally making an effort to speak English to her, reserving Spanish for the times that it is important to communicate quickly and clearly. Her three children, on the other hand, have all mastered English in a year's time. I hope all continues to go well for you.

[Michael B]

... in response to Fourth Year Wedding Anniversity, posted by DCNUPEEddie on Jan 26, 2005

Well, I don't read the board every day, so please excuse being  a couple of days late. Happy anniversary.

[Jeff S]

... in response to Fourth Year Wedding Anniversity, posted by DCNUPEEddie on Jan 26, 2005

Glad to hear your marriage is going well and you're enjoying life. I'd like to relate something I've learned in my marriage.

Personally, I believe in the old corny concept that income and marital assets are "ours." I learned from experience that a yours, mine and ours, concept ("well, OK, you can send some of YOUR money to your family, but not OURS") causes nothing but problems. Hopefully, you've selected a compatable spouse who you can negotiate with and arrive at a plan you can both agree on. Keeping her out of the decisions, or just cutting her off from the supply to try to regulate the flow is just asking for headaches. No matter how heated or illogical, it's important to have these issues worked out, in my experience. I was fortunate to have married someone who is responsible and overall, quite frugal. Though I do quite well, she always asks before spending anything of any significance, and she'd rather save a few bucks rather than blow it on frivalities. I've come to trust her enough that I'd never consider saying no to one of her requests, just as she wouldn't consider not informing me of it. Likewise, when I'd like to blow a little on myself, I let her know, and the money is always there. That kind of working relationship is what I believe is essential in a marriage. Too many married people fight constantly ver money. My parents sure did, all the time I was growing up.

Best wishes to your family, Eddie.

- Jeff

[Onephd]

... in response to Yours, mine and ours., posted by Jeff S on Jan 27, 2005

Funny this subtopic should pop up.  I was watching telemundo trying to practice my spanish and the topic on some show called "Rocio" was about women that lost their marriages because they fought over money.  

Wish my spanish were better, but it appeared to indicate that issues about money seem to be a major cause of divorces.

Each couple has to figure out what is best for them.

[kented]

... in response to Fourth Year Wedding Anniversity, posted by DCNUPEEddie on Jan 26, 2005

Congratulations and thanks for sharing your challenges.

My wife and I can't seem to agree completely on how to spend money and since I'm the only one who earns money and don't want to go bankrupt, I also make these decisions.  

We're still at the point where we are learning to live together.  I hope we make it four years and are as happy as you are.

[Hoda]

... in response to Fourth Year Wedding Anniversity, posted by DCNUPEEddie on Jan 26, 2005

4 Years?!!!!

Man, how time flies! Your insight on the realities of marriage are always welcomed here, Bro. It takes work & love from both parties to make a marriage work. Y'all keep up the good work & don't be such a stranger....aiight?

Peace....Hoda

[JunFan]

... in response to Fourth Year Wedding Anniversity, posted by DCNUPEEddie on Jan 26, 2005

Man, how time flies...

I remember when we were all together in Cartagena....Say, did we watch the superbowl down there that day?  Seems like we did...

Congrats bro.

[slojas1]

... in response to Fourth Year Wedding Anniversity, posted by DCNUPEEddie on Jan 26, 2005

Congrats! It is refreshing to see a worthwhile contribution that all can benefit from. I especially enjoyed you highlighting the good and not so good. It seems that you are willing to work on your marriage and that will be key to future success. I had to change my philosophy on childrearing. I will not allow a child to be spoiled or to rule in my house, but I had to learn new ways to contend with an unruly child. I have educators and psychologists in the family and this free help has enabled me to make the adjustments a little better. I definitely hear you loud and clear on this issue(I love kids but can't stand bad ass untrained ones), you two have to get on the same page quickly because children are the master of divide and conquer.
I wish your family the very best of love and happiness. May you have a very prosperous new year.

[Looking4Wife]

... in response to Fourth Year Wedding Anniversity, posted by DCNUPEEddie on Jan 26, 2005

Eddie:

Congratulations on a succesful 4 years.  As a newbie, your story is encouraging to me.

It was interesting to see your discussion on child discipline.  In fact, after dating someone (AW) who already had a child, I noticed that I will need to marry someone who shares the same ideas on child discipline that I do.  

It sounds like you and I may have similar views in that regard.  I firmly believe that a lot of people are out of control, due to the lack of physical discipline they received as a child.  I then started focusing on ladies who don't have children, so I wouldn't clash with any pre-existing parenting styles (among other reasons).  I would be curious to know if your wife already had a child before you got married, or if you discussed child discipline before marriage?

As far as the money thing goes, I'm sure you have already tried this, but... why not just give her a certain portion of money that you don't care what she does with it.  If she wants to send some money back to LA, fine, and if she wants to "waste" it on expensive shoes, that's fine.  But then she's blown her budget of "mad" money for the month, until it gets replenished next month.

I always encourage anyone, pre-married or married, to check out marriagebuilders.com.  I can't say enough good about that website.

Have a great anniversary!

[Onephd]

... in response to Congratulations!, posted by Looking4Wife on Jan 26, 2005

Congrats on the Anniv.  Best wishes for the new addition as well.