To support or not to support?

[Onephd]

Regarding Dr. Aarons, previous post.  He brought up an interesting topic and Im not sure if I've seen it addressed here before.

The subject of supporting a womans family after she arrives?  Most of us will not marry a rich latina and most of us will not marry one that is fluent in English, so this issue could come up at some time or another for the majority of men.  

SCENARIO:

Lets say you meet and marry a Latina who was the SOLE bread winner in the family?  Should or would you replace that income since you are in effect cutting their income stream when she comes to live with you. ? Assume that she cannot work right away due to her limited English speaking skills.

SCENARIO:
Lets say you meet and marry a Latina who contributed to the family income but was not the sole bread winner in her household.  Would or should you replace the income since you are in effect cutting off that income stream when she comes to live with you.  Assume that she cannot work right away due to her limited English speaking skills.

PREVIOUS POINTS MADE TO ME IN PRIOR CONVERSATION OVER THE YEARS ABOUT THIS ISSUE:

"I WOULD NOT SUPPORT HER FAMILY since I doubt that if she married a colombian man that he would support the entire family after they married" ..."So why should I send money?"

"Sure I WOULD SUPPORT HER FAMILY support her and her family until she was able to work and send money back home"..."After all, when you marry a Latina, you marry their family"

What say you?  Let's hear from those who have jumped the broom and those that have thought about this or even discussed it before with a latina.

I think this is as issue that every newbie sitting on the fence should think about.

[dann]

... in response to To support or not to support? , posted by Onephd on Jan 23, 2005

thanks for all the replies; I have decided to have a joint account with a little emergency money in it an a seperate account for her.

I will then deposit 500.00 a month for her to do with what she wants( i.e nails, female supplies,send some to her mom as her father is dead, her hair, toes, an other essentials)

I will have my own account still for all the major stuff (mortgage,insurance,clothes, all house bills, etc, etc,) I will go shopping with her when she comes so she understand the cost of things here;

even though I make in the high six figures i'm very frugule with money; my ex says when it comes to money i'm so cheap that I squeeze a dime so hard it sh;;ts.My novia is not quite the same, but she never ask anything out rages either an i've known her over a year an have spent alot of time with her in SA.

She wants to wor kpart time in a year or more; she speaks very little english an will be in english classes for awhile.....

She ufortuately still has that live for today attitude an could care less about 401k or investing at all for the future....I am sure this attitude will not change any time soon ; an i'm sure it may never change.....anyway, thanks for all ya'll replys

[Dr Aaron]

... in response to Re: To support or not to support? , posted by dann on Jan 23, 2005

not to feed that live today attitude that she's struggling with. Being stingy isn't a bad thing. Actually, she may learn to respect and appreciate it when she thinks about how she is with money.

Take Care,
Aaron

[Dr Aaron]

... in response to To support or not to support? , posted by Onephd on Jan 23, 2005

[This message has been edited by Dr Aaron]

I always criticize other people on the board, but never reveal my mistakes, let me explain my experience with two latin ladies. Both Colombias, one poor the other rich.

However, first off, for the two scenarios that Onephd described, I do think the man should supplement the income for the lady's family until the woman finds work in her new country.

However, if the lady isn't working, or is working, but does not contribute to the family income; then the man should not feel obligated to send money to her family. Technically, the man shouldn't feel obligated to send money to the woman's family in the two previous scenarios described by Onephd, however, it would be the "right" thing to do. I think the woman has to realize that she will have to set some boundries with regards to family members.

Now, my experiences:

The first one was with a girl from Quindio. Basically, this girl came from a very large, and poor family. She was the youngest of 7 siblings. Mostly women, and a few brothers. All her siblings were married, and she was the only one living with her parents. Her parents were older, in their late 60s early 70s. This girl did not work, but did help around the house. The family worked in el campo, on the cattle and coffee farms in the area. Some of the brothers went to the military. Most of the sisters found men that could take care of them adequately. The sisters had normal jobs in Colombia. But, there wasn't anyone that was doing extremely well financially.

This girl was 27 at the time, and she is 29 now. A knock out. Measurements, she's a 36-25-38, white skin that tans incredibly, long jet black hair. Perfect body. But, looks aren't everything. I dated her for 6 months. When we started, and I first visited her house, there were so many red flags, which I ignored. Not coming from her, but from her family members. One of her older sisters would put her up to tricks to ask for gifts, or to pay for the tab for family members at resturants, bars, and discotechs. The first time I visited them, they got $200.00 USD in the form of gifts, dinning at resturants in Peirera, Zoo in Peirera, tickets for travel, a night in the bar, chinese food at her place. I paid for it all, and THEY EXPECTED FOR ME TO PAY FOR IT ALL. NO ONE OFFERED TO PAY.

The trend continued. We were discussing engagement and marriage, and I decided to take on the responsibility of providing for HER ONLY at the time, with the intention of marrying her soon after. At the tme, I was making good money, and I didn't have any bills. I was living at home with my family. So, I decided to support her with $400.00
USD monthly. I know, it's crazy. But, I did it. The money was to pay for her English classes, transportation, and other expenses she had. I eventually caught on, and realized she was diverting some of the funds, giving it to family members. Before I knew it, her sister moved into a larger apartment. Her brother, whom lived in Agua Blanca in Cali with his family at the time, was finally able to finish construction on his "house." My future mother in-law was dressed in the latest styles. Etc. Etc. Etc. All on my money. Not only that, the girl would request for expensive gifts for her and family members. Cowboy boots for a brother I never met, but heard about. Perfume, which costs $45.00 for 8 oz bottle, an expensive hat for her dad...el Patron. Stupid me, I did it.

Not only that, we went to Santa Marta for 5 days, of course on me. We flew. I bought her a 1 carot diamond ring, studded diamond bracelet, a pair of diamond earings, and a Boliva watch. Jewerly totalled to $1500.00. Oh yeah, I can remember the time when we went to buy a spare battery for her new watch. Basically, the Colombian boy didn't realize the quality of the watch, and tried to open the back of the watch with a hammer and skrew driver. He ended up scratching the back of the watch. I was sooooo mad. A word to the wise, don't give your gal anything of value until she arrives in your country because if she ever needs it repaired, people wont know how to do the work, or they wont realize the value of the item and wont take the proper care. Also, expensive trinkets attract the wrong type of attention, and could place her at risk.

The straw that broke the camels back was during the trip to Santa Marta. Basically, she adopted this more more more attitude, which I admit I partially fueled. When I started to say NO, she started complaining and insulting me, calling me cheap and poor. After that visit with her, we corresponded for about 2 weeks more, then I dropped her like a bag of bricks.  

The second girl, which was rich. She lived in the USA for a time, and she hooked up with a Colombian sugar daddy here. The guy was no good. However, he was paying the bills. I wont go into his background. But you can imagine. She had a baby to him, and they had to go back to Colombia. There he bought her a farm, house, cars, and set her up in businesses. However, he was kidnapped, and murdered. Her family was living off the wealth of her boyfriend. However, after he was gone, the money started to dry up. He didn't leave her a dime. Most of his wealth went to his friends. I had no idea of the history of this woman until after we had been dating. Yup, she asked me to help her financially once in a while, and I did but not like before with the other girl. The woman is very attractive, and can speak some English. She isn't a bad person, but it just wasn't the best situation. We had a fight about money. She told me that she wanted me to quit my job because if I wasn't bringing in $13,000.00 a month after taxes then it wasn't a decent job. At the time, I had just started to work. When she said that, I realized that I should cut bait. I got out of that with the quickness.

Why did I do it? Well it was a combination of three things: 1.) blinded by beauty and thinking with the wrong head, 2.) I felt sorry for their circumstances, and 3.) low-self confidence. If I would have been more confident, and realized that I have great qualities other than my money that I can offer a girl, then I wouldn't of felt the need to give money as a method to impress them. That was foolish on my part.

Second thing, I was caught up for years with the mentality of being with the most beautiful woman I could find, and living like "life styles of the rich and famous" with them. All girls dated in Colombia were beyond 10s according to my personal scale of taste. Others may think differently, but it's subjective anyway.

Right now, I'm changing my approach. I GIVE NO PLATA. If I were a newbie, I would be very careful with money. Don't feel sorry for any of these girls, don't feel you have to save anyone, and don't feel that you can use money to impress them. When you start thinking that way, then you're headed for disaster.

Sorry for the misspellings. I have to go back to work.

In all honesty,
Aaron

[kented]

... in response to Good point....and since some have compla..., posted by Dr Aaron on Jan 23, 2005

...is incredibly different between there and here.  I took my family to see The Lion King when it came to Phoenix, a great broadway show at about $70 a ticket.  

That $280 would have fed my wife's mother for a month.  In my mind, I want to enjoy life with my family and my wife would gladly give every penny she had to her family.  

I don't have a conclusion just taht a great family activity in Phoenix costs about what it costs to feed a family for a month in Costa Rica.  Think about it!!!

[slojas1]

... in response to Good point....and since some have compla..., posted by Dr Aaron on Jan 23, 2005

That was the best contribution you have made to this board. I'm glad to see you own up to being less than confident and using that as fuel to bolster your 'image' here and who knows where else. You have learned from your mistakes and moved on, this my friend is what wisdom is all about. A truly noble quality which is in very short supply.
I've made some mistakes on this journey, supported a family (unknowingly), rescued a damsel in distress (got dissed and gave me the stress), let a good one slip out of my hands because I wanted better (only 10's), blew a small fortune. I would only change a couple of things and this experience has been life altering. My wife is my best friend, and is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Just think, I was giving up on the Colombianas when I met her! This is not a 100m dash, it is truly a marathon and one must pace themselves accordingly. Thanks for sharing Dr. Aaron and I'm happy to see you mature.

[Looking4Wife]

... in response to Re: Good point....and since some have co..., posted by slojas1 on Jan 24, 2005

"rescued a damsel in distress (got dissed and gave me the stress)"

This was a classic comment, that hit all too close to home... my scenario was with AW :-)

[Jeff S]

... in response to What a classic comment :-), posted by Looking4Wife on Jan 24, 2005

As Dr. Laura says, "Rescue a damsel in distress and all you end up with is s distressed damsel."

- Jeff

[Looking4Wife]

... in response to Good point....and since some have compla..., posted by Dr Aaron on Jan 23, 2005


"Basically, she adopted this more more more attitude, which I admit I partially fueled. When I started to say NO, she started complaining and insulting me, calling me cheap and poor."

Clearly I dated the American version of this woman.  I helped out the ONLY (American) girl that could've suckered me like this since she was my reunited first love.

I helped her out while she was between jobs.  After she got a job, I told her that my temporary financial support had been to help her to get back on her own two feet... which she could start doing now that she was working.  Magically that threw me into the "cheap or broke" category in her mind, the first day that she asked me to buy her lunch and I refused.  Like your story, shortly thereafter the "more, more, more" attitude finally necessitated the termination of the relationship... postehaste :-)

[Seeker]

... in response to Good point....and since some have compla..., posted by Dr Aaron on Jan 23, 2005

I wanted to thank you for such an honest post. It is always easier to hide our mistakes and only focus on our successes. However, it really is a deservice to others that are basing their decisions and forming their expectations on the comments that we provide on this forum. Your examples illustrate fairly common experiences, I believe, that seekers experience in searching for a wife in Latin America. A year ago, I also began sending a woman a monthly stipend to help her out. My heart was in the right place, but money muddled the relationship. If a woman is sincerely attracted to you for who you are, not what you have, then a simple dinner and paying her taxi fare should be enough. However, if she's not interested in you, but in your money, a 5-day, all expense paid vacation to San Andres will still only buy you 5 days of affection. You'll never please her.

Let me contrast two women that I went out with to illustrate my point. One I took to a very elegant restaurant and she complained the entire time about the weather, her nails and hair, etc. She ordered a glass of wine and before she had finished half of the glass, she ordered another one. When the waiter asked her if he could remove the first one, she said of course. This woman truly irritated me. The second woman I took to Lenos and Carbon in ChipiChape and couldn't wait to order her food. She asked me if it was O.K. to order the full-plate. The difference was around $1.00. We had a great conversation and she was wonderful company. Towards the end of our dinner, she requested to have the leftover food bagged to take home. Maybe someone would find this tacky, I found it refreshing. If the first woman was a 10 and the second a 8, who would you rather date and marry? You have to have certain values and standards before you travel abroad, because if you don't, you won't know when to move on.

Excellent post Aaron.

[kented]

... in response to Live and Learn, posted by Seeker on Jan 23, 2005

The 10 get lots of dates and are in the position to make their own rules.

[soltero]

... in response to Good point....and since some have compla..., posted by Dr Aaron on Jan 23, 2005

This was an excellent post and so were your others. If we are ever in the same city either here or SA, the drinks are on me...

[Dr Aaron]

... in response to Re: Good point....and since some have co..., posted by soltero on Jan 23, 2005

.

[OkieMan]

... in response to Good point....and since some have compla..., posted by Dr Aaron on Jan 23, 2005

Dr. Aaron,

 Excellent post. You had some interesting experiences.  I must admit that I am not as experienced concerning these matters as many of you on this board.  But, I would like to say that Aaron seems to be a very generous man.  In fact, I have a few "projects" that I could use some extra funding on. If I sent you my list, could you help?  Just kidding! I'm sorry, but after hearing how much money you shelled out to those women, I just wanted to tease you a little.  Still, it does show that you meant well, and that's a good thing.  So, if you come across another real good looking latina, and she wants a "wad of cash" to help her family, or whatever; would it be a safe bet that you won't go for that one again?  I am glad that I have been able to read your stories and others, because frankly, my pockets aren't that deep; and I definitely don't like to get taken to the cleaners!  So, thanks for the info.

                               OkieMan

[Dr Aaron]

... in response to Re: Good point....and since some have co..., posted by OkieMan on Jan 23, 2005

take you to the cleaners if you let them...LOL !!! I'm joking; but to be honest, just about the majority will let you spend crazy money on them. Not because they are gold diggers, but mainly because they think "no one knows your finances better than yourself. You know what you can afford." So please by all means, follow the "No da la papaya" philosophy.

However, what often times happens is when the guy gives money, it can change the relationship. A woman may focus on the financial benefits, and start to place more emphasis on the financial aspects. It's totally possible (and what I think happened in my case with the poorer girl)that what had great potential to start as love, can turn for the worse when a guy starts to give out large amounts of money. Also, it is totally possible that when a girl makes hints that she wants gifts and trinkets, she's sincerely interested in a man, but is just testing the waters. My advice is not to give in. Don't give out big price tag items early in the relationship. All the girls that work as receptionists in the agencies will explain to you that the women cannot expect anything from you unless WHEN YOU ARE MARRIED. That even holds when after a sexual relationship starts, but your not married yet.

Also, a trait of a good woman that you have already met in person, and is sincerely interested in you, is that she wont expect for you to give her money or buy her gifts. If she can buy them herself, she will. If she can't, she'll go without. When you offer, she will decline. But when you insist, she'll be eternally grateful.

Aaron