Trip Report: Family

[Brazilophile]

Today I returned from visiting my family for New Year's and told them of my Brazilian namorada.  I showed them pictures of her and us.  They did not react as I had feared.  For the most part reactions were very favorable.  My sister's reaction was TOO favorable!

Unfortunately, my mother is in ill health and her condition overshadowed the holiday season and my news.  Nonetheless, everyone was happy for me.  My father expressed the desire to meet her soon.  There were some questions about her, such as her age, her occupation, the city where she lived, and there were questions about Brazil as a whole.

I had brought pictures of her with me.  It wasn't expressed to my face but it got back to me that my aunt was very relieved that she is Black.  My aunt's grandsons, in their 20's, have dated mostly White girls, which she is disappointed about.  In the community where I grew up, there has been an undercurrent of animosity on the part of Black women towards Black men who marry or date White.

There was absolutely NO curiosity about her being Brazilian as opposed to North American.  The issue of specifically seeking a Latina wife or of the MOB industry in general never arose.

What did arise, and led to some ugliness, was the degree of aggressiveness my sister showed in trying to "help" me out in this relationship.  The explanation requires some background.  My sister has never married.  She came close 2 or 3 times but never closed the deal.  My aunt is divorced.  Of her 2 daughters, 1 is divorced once and the other married and divorced 3 times.  Another aunt, now deceased, never married.  There is not a lot of romantic sucess in my family.  My sister and my mother were close in that they shared the blow by blow details of my sister's relationships.  I have not done this.  When I started dating, I found the family questions far too prying.  There was just no way I was going to discuss an "action" date with my parents or sister.  I tried to date surreptiously and did so after I moved out of the house.  I did not tell my family about my Latina wife search for that reason, I wanted privacy during my search.

So now that the cat is out of the bag, my sister seems to want to recreate the thing she had with our mother with me.  After showing her pictures, she chose 2 and went out to make a DOZEN color photocopies of each.  She then went around to our relatives, aunt, cousins, giving them these photos.  She practically order me to call people and tell them of my namorada.  She had all kinds of unsolicited advice for me.  When I should call her because women like to feel that a man is thinking of them.  Where we should live.  The best way to bring her to the US, get married in Brazil and then apply for a spousal visa.  She specically instructed me not to consult an immigration attorney!   She had to return to work and couldn't stay for New Years (My sister, as I do, lives in a different city than our parents.) Our time together overlapped for only a day.  The next day when she got home she called me asking if I had called my namorada and encouraged me to do so.  At this point I had to tell her that this was not HER relationship and my namorada and I will conduct our relationship as we see fit.  In other words, BUTT OUT!  

I thought about my family's reaction for the past couple of days as I prepared for writing this report.  It occurred to me that what my sister, and to a lesser extent one of my cousins, wants to do is experience romance again vicariosly through my relationship.  My female relative have consistently expressed very negative opinions of men in general and specifically men from traditional countries such as those in the Caribbean or in Africa.  I feel that there is/will be an attempt to realize their own romantic dreams by having me treat my namorada as they would have liked a man to have treated them.  

My sister made the remark that this relationship was good for everyone and a potenial marriage is something the whole family can look forward to.  I could only think that my relationship, which I had tried to keep private, was being transformed into a public spectacle/event, neither under the control of me and my namorada nor for our benefit, but rather under the control of relatives for the benefit of everyone else.  If there is a wedding, is my sister going to try to plan it?  And the traditional bride's family?  

I am trying to arrange a trip during the summer for my namorada to visit my old city and meet parents and other relatives.  That meeting may be very interesting.  My namorada is accomodating and dislikes confrontation but she dislikes even more having her life controlled and managed for her.

[Thunderstruck]

... in response to Trip Report: Family, posted by Brazilophile on Jan 3, 2005

That's a really cool handle. Maybe I should change mine to "Caliphile" or Calenaphile, a pervert who frequents Cali. But them since I live in California I might call myself Cali-fornicator.

[valleydude]

... in response to Trip Report: Family, posted by Brazilophile on Jan 3, 2005

Good Post, though I was expecting a voyage in Brasil, this turned to be quite different and interesting.

Wow! My sister does this same thing. I have no clue what it is about but my gut tells me to immediately keep my distance. When I would mention the idea of doing something like this about 6 years ago, my sister used to say "I'm going to Americanize her!" I know it was harmless but considering her line of work back then, I was cautious.

Now, when I was talking about my trips down south she wanted to become involved almost like how you mention, but not as extreme. It is extremely weird for me too, because we talk about once a year. After talking maybe one time last year, I told my Mom that I liked this girl and I get this "CALL ME ASAP!!!!" email from my sister.
Whenever there is rumor that I am in a relationship, she tends to have plans. It's too weird. I haven't got the conclusions yet, and I won't be around her to see what they are, but you aren't alone in this one.

Now I am pretty distant, but I've always just said... "Well this is interesting, you have plans for me, and I have plans for me. I wonder who's I'm gonna choose?"

V-Dude

[Brazilophile]

... in response to Re: Trip Report: Family, posted by valleydude on Jan 5, 2005

V-dude,

Nice post.  I did report on my latest trip to Brazil over Christmas.  It is off the current screen now but may be in the December archives.

I am surprised, but somewhat relieved, that other guys have sisters who behave the same way.  Most other guys whose stories I have heard had mothers who tried to micro-manage their love lives.  It was the "She isn't good enough for you." syndrome.  

Is your sister older than you are?  Mine is.  Sometimes she wants to revert to when I was 6 years old and she had the responsibility of looking out for me.  I have grown up and she needs to also.

[valleydude]

... in response to Re: Re: Trip Report: Family, posted by Brazilophile on Jan 5, 2005

You are totally right, they definitley need to grow up ormaybe have some sort of reality check.

My sister is younger. I am the eldest of three kids.

I have no clue where she gets it from? It just weirds me out. Here is the really weird part... We were distant and have been for  years and really don't talk at all these days, but for some strange reason she wants to be invovled when I have a relationship. She even wants to start emailing girls, and telling them to come to her if they have to talk. I think it is some sort of fantasy thing?? I have no clue. It just immediately makes me stay away. Why in the world she thinks that I am going to get married and accomodate her needs when we don't even talk is beyond me?

Maybe she is trying to make us one big happy family? I have no idea. I think I'll pay closer attention to it next time. Now that I have good reason, I think I'll put her on the spot and ask her these things straight up.

My mom on the other hand, is just pretty cool about these things. She naturally takes a nuetral "It's your life" stand point.

It was definielty nice to know someone else has this.
When I find the next prospect, I'll keep this in mind as a topic for us. Haha!

V-Dude

[Malandro]

... in response to Trip Report: Family, posted by Brazilophile on Jan 3, 2005

that I was white.

on the other hand, years later my mother did not seem too pleased when I told her I dated a black girl.

[doombug]

... in response to Trip Report: Family, posted by Brazilophile on Jan 3, 2005

"My sister's reaction was TOO favorable...What did arise, and led to some ugliness, was the degree of aggressiveness my sister showed in trying to "help" me out in this relationship."

Tripping by a member of either team.  10-yard penalty.  First down!

"After showing her pictures, she chose 2 and went out to make a DOZEN color photocopies of each."

Encroachment.  5-yard penalty.  Repeat first down.

"She then went around to our relatives, aunt, cousins, giving them these photos."

Piling on.  15-yard penalty.  First down.

"It occurred to me that what my sister, and to a lesser extent one of my cousins, wants to do is experience romance again vicariosly through my relationship."

Illegal substitution.  5-yard penalty.  First down.

"When I started dating, I found the family questions far too prying.

More than 11 players on the field at snap.  5-yard penalty.  Automatic first down.

"I could only think that my relationship, which I had tried to keep private, was being transformed into a public spectacle/event..."

Twelve men in the huddle.  5-yard penalty.  First down.

"I feel that there is/will be an attempt to realize their own romantic dreams by having me treat my namorada as they would have liked a man to have treated them."

Neutral zone infraction.  5-yard penalty.  First down.

"My female relative have consistently expressed very negative opinions of men..."

Taunting.  15-yards.  First down.

"My namorada is accomodating and dislikes confrontation but she dislikes even more having her life controlled and managed for her."

Delay of game on offense or defense.  5-yard penalty.  Automatic first down.

Very interesting story.  I was stunned reading some of that stuff.

Clearly, this is the most penalized game that has ever been broadcast on a Monday night.

Thankfully, I live thousands of miles from my family.  None of them even knows I'm married yet.

Since they nor I never play road games, I doubt they'll ever see her in person.

[Brazilophile]

... in response to Re: Trip Report: Family, posted by doombug on Jan 4, 2005

Howzat?!?!?!?!  

Your family doesn't even know you are married yet?

Your wife married you without ever meeting her future in-laws??

How many other guys have done what Doombug has done??

[valleydude]

... in response to Re: Re: Trip Report: Family, posted by Brazilophile on Jan 4, 2005

It's possible that I'll be pulling that stunt.
Highly possible. If I meet a girl that never pursues an introduction, I'll be taking that road.

V-Dude

[JEMJCU1]

... in response to Re: Re: Trip Report: Family, posted by Brazilophile on Jan 4, 2005

I sense serious issues how about the rest of you?

[Hoda]

... in response to Trip Report: Family, posted by Brazilophile on Jan 3, 2005

My sister made the remark that this relationship was good for everyone and a potenial marriage is something the whole family can look forward to.

- Hold up Sis (lol)...but I'm the one marrying this woman. Not y'all.

I could only think that my relationship, which I had tried to keep private, was being transformed into a public spectacle/event, neither under the control of me and my namorada nor for our benefit, but rather under the control of relatives for the benefit of everyone else. If there is a wedding, is my sister going to try to plan it? And the traditional bride's family?

- Oh Hell No!!!! Once you let'em in on the plans. You're gonna have Jerry Springer like "Drama" on your hands, BP! IMO...If you go all the way with this lady, have the main ceremony in Brazil for "her" friends & family. Just a hunch....but I sense the real "joy" of the event will be more greatly appreciated in Brazil.

[Brazilophile]

... in response to Tell 'em to Kool their Jets!!!!, posted by Hoda on Jan 4, 2005

A wedding would most likely take place in Brazil.  And my family already realizes that.  My cousin said she and her (adult) daughter are immediately starting to save money for a trip to Brazil for the wedding.  My sister has told me to expect visits should we decide to live in Brazil.

[Hoda]

... in response to Re: Tell 'em to Kool their Jets!!!!, posted by Brazilophile on Jan 4, 2005

[This message has been edited by Hoda]

that this cousin (I'll assume to be female) & her daughter are already saving for the trip. BP, these ladies are definitely in your corner. Let me tell you this now....If your lady is gonna plan the reception, etc in Brazil. Make sure that she doesn't mention, that her husband to be is from North America! I think, it's safe to assume that the pricing dynamics will be similar, to those of Colombia & the rest of SA :-)

[doombug]

... in response to Good sign...., posted by Hoda on Jan 4, 2005

Excellent advice!!

[Thunderstruck]

... in response to Trip Report: Family, posted by Brazilophile on Jan 3, 2005

This is hysterically funny, I love it! I should be grateful my 3 (married) sisters have little interest in my novias and sometimes even discourage me due to their own bad experiences.