Asians in mourning

[Jimbo]

After more than two weeks Sally is still in a bad way.  I'm doing what I can - taking a few days off work, I hold her when she cries, I talk when she says something but that is not often and usually only one sentence.  What's really tough is I can't answer her questions like "Why my brother?"

Earlier I had signed her up for a college course one night a week.  It starts tomorrow night.  She's mentioned a few times about cancelling it but I don't want to do it; I think it will help her to get her mind off Alex.  But I don't want to do the wrong thing and push her into it.  Is there something different about the way that Asians grieve that I should know?

Jim

[Lori]

... in response to Asians in mourning, posted by Jimbo on Sep 4, 2001

Hi Jim, sorry to hear of your loss.
I just recieved the video from Thai's fathers funeral. It was awful. Most of Thai's sisters were near collapse. Thai's Mother was a pillar of strength. I don't think I could bear seeing her in tears like the others. And if anyone tells you asian men NEVER cry...well it's not true.

When Thai's father was very ill, near the end , his letters always had a dark cloud over them. Since his fathers funeral, his letters have been upbeat...almost gitty. It's such a releif to see him smile through his letters again.

[Jimbo]

... in response to Re: Asians in mourning, posted by Lori on Sep 8, 2001

Lori,

It's good to hear that Thai is on the rebound.  For him, one chapter in life ends and a new one begins.  What can one do but move forward in life and learn from the experience?  Thai carries his father in all that he does and into all the lives he touches, and this I think could be the greatest comfort of all.

Jim

[Ray]

... in response to Asians in mourning, posted by Jimbo on Sep 4, 2001

You seem to be doing everything right Jim.

I remember years ago when my ex got word from the Philippines that her mother had died. She went through a short morning period of maybe 6 weeks or so, where she mostly just remained silent and didn’t feel like talking. She still went to work and went about her business, but I just mostly left her alone because she didn’t want to talk to me or anyone else about it. It was just something she had to work out internally I guess.

She did have a mass said for her mother and after the mass she was quickly back to normal. For several years, she would light a candle and silently pray on the anniversary of her mother’s death, but that was about it. I’m sorry, but this was only my experience and I really don’t know how typical this was.

If it’s alright with you, I think some of us might want to send a sympathy e-card to Sally. Maybe it would help a tiny bit. Is that e-mail address in your profile still good?

Ray

[Jimbo]

... in response to Re: Asians in mourning, posted by Ray on Sep 5, 2001

Thanks Ray,

I posted an obit on the Butuan board and when Sally came home and read it she really appreciated all the warm replies, even though it made her cry.

Jim

[Dave H]

... in response to Asians in mourning, posted by Jimbo on Sep 4, 2001

Hi Jim,

I know you realize that Alex was more than a brother to Sally. To some extent, he was probably a father figure. This and the fact that he had a young family, makes this an especially difficult time.

I have found that the Asians I have witnessed, tend to be more inward in their grief. They seem to try to maintain more of a quiet dignity on the outside. Hispanics on the other hand, tend to be very emotional and let it all out and mourn for a long time. I really don't know much about the Filipina grieving process. I suspect that Filipinas have traits from both and fall somewhere between the two. Like any culture, you have individual differences. Grief can vary even with the same individual at different periods in their life, depending on factors or circumstances at the time. I feel that it is best to let the grief out. Holding it in can lead to illness and other physical and/or mental conditions. I think that grief should be dealt with and worked through as it is occurring. This, after many years of being like a rock myself, and not dealing with these issues. Sooner or later, they must be worked out.

You might stop by the local book store or library and look for some books about grief. "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" by Melba Colgrove Ph.D., Harold H. Bloomfield M.D. and Peter McWillams is great little book. Harold Kushner wrote another good book titled, "When Bad Things Happen To Good People" that helps put life's tragedies into perspective.

Take care and good luck!

Dave H.

[Jimbo]

... in response to Re: Asians in mourning, posted by Dave H on Sep 5, 2001

That's right Dave,

Alex was her sounding board, her adviser, her protection, her comedian, her last full-blood relative other than her mother (who she has issues with).  He was the reason we always spent a week in Manila on the trips.  Without him she's feeling quite disconnected.

The book idea is a good one; I don't have the answers.  I think I'll give that a try.

Jim

[FilipinaCupid]

... in response to Asians in mourning, posted by Jimbo on Sep 4, 2001


Jim, I wish there was a magic pill or an instant prayer for Sally. We just feel so connected to our family and each one a part of us.  It just takes time, and lots of being held by loving arms and the soothing silence of understanding.

The class and its timing is up to Sally.  Try to walk fine line between encouraging & pushing, OK?  I know that can be very thin, faint line, but I have trust in your judgement and know Sally does as well.

Blessings on you both,

Jean

[Jimbo]

... in response to Re: Asians in mourning, posted by FilipinaCupid on Sep 4, 2001

Thanks Jean,

The "soothing silence of understanding"... at least I'm good at that one.

Jim