For Howard and all...

[Bear]

... in response to For Howard and all..., posted by BrianN on Sep 8, 2001

I am still in shock at the attitude my wifes family had towards her.  Its like once money comes in to play goodbye to love, family and religious beliefs.  

Honey said that she thinks that they believed I loved her so much I would just give to her without asking what she wanted it for.  But Honey knew that wasn't true and always questioned what they wanted it for - she knew I would ask.  When she saw they were using or manipulating us she refused to give them any cash but did pay a few bills, and her brothers college.   She even had to turn the long distance/cell phone off on the phone - they had started allowing just anyone who wanted to, come in and call anyone they wanted - bills were hitting P3000/mo.  They called her evil, selfish and bad for doing these things?  Even though she was paying all the bills but food and P75 for rent.  They even ate the food she bought for herself, tried to give away or allow others to use the things I bought her (like her wedding dress!!!!).

They said she should not question her parents and that she should be smart and plan for the divorce?!!  Even gave her examples of "good" Filipinas who had planned for the divorce and was able to give their families finacial security by being smart?!!!

Before I asked Honey to marry me, we discussed money like this.  I was willing to  help anyone helping themselves. For example: those who want help going to college must maintain good grades, not quit, help the family when they graduate so that Honey and I didn't always cover the burden ourselves.  My attitude about what we earn is that it belongs to the family(her, the kids and I) and when bills are paid it should be a fmily event.  That way everyone can see where the money comes from and where it goes.  They can see how important it is to sacrifice for goals.  I also told her that since she was an accountant she would keep the checkbook and have as much say in what I bought as I had in her expenditures (she has since stopped me from upgrading my computer and buying a piano).  So since I treated her with respect, communicated all my beliefs she in turn honored me and turned against her whole family to protect what she saw as good fiscal policy that will protect her and provide for her and out children.

The magnitude of those who turned on her was unbelieveable!  Not one family member supported her.  All they had to do was make reasonable goal oriented requests and treat us with respect and they would have been given what I could afford to give.  Now, Honey says "$0" and moved out in to an house with friends.  I know poverty is hard but I just can't understand how they could give up the help they were being given and the close relationship with their dughter so that they could sit on their b@tts?

But one thing I know is that I found a wonderful wife - a keeper.  But gosh the piano was a good deal!!!! ;-(

Bear

[BrianN]

... in response to I have to agree, posted by Bear on Sep 8, 2001

Bear,
I am so admiring of Marissa's courage in this matter, she must be a real doll baby, with the guts of an ox. Tell her she's got her own cheering section over here in the US just for her!

When I got involved with my wife back in 1980, I buried myself in the entire Filipino culture. All of her friends became mine, and all of my guy friends had filipina wives. I also became close with ALL of the filipino GUYS that I worked with all of a sudden. That was cool!  For filipinos living here, versus being there, is an entirely different mindset. (They usually do not share the ideaology of what is happening to your wife in PI)

I don't know if you were married to an asian woman before, but I'll tell you, there should be quite a few fil-am groups around Houston that will definitely help her to adjust, and she will learn that she has lots of friends here.  The pot-luck get togethers are great when they meet, cause there's always soooo much Lyumpia, which is my favorite... and lots of good conversation without the drunks. PinoyTexas.Com is a good place to look for local contacts... make some calls yourself, and you'll save yourself a lot of homesickness when she gets here.

I wish I was in your shoes, (RIGHT NOW), with that woman to look forward to already. I'm jealous!

After my separation in 92, and divorce in 97 I was determined to find another filipina. But after a couple of years, I decided to give RW a shot instead, to experience a culture that I had always been interested in.  

Ahem, this change in venue was not without a rough break up via telephone, email, and regular mail with a nice lady from Surigao that I had been writing to in 98 - her idiot girlfriend got in between us and... heck I'm still trying to figure out what happened, oh well. Got the girls address from AFA, hmmm she was actually a year older than me too... at 41 back then... strange.

Good luck man..

[BrianN]

... in response to I have to agree, posted by Bear on Sep 8, 2001

Your lady's resolve to recognize the greed and make the right choice is commendable.  You've obviously done a lot to gain her confidence to abandon her former sphere of influence.  

I had supported my wife's parents for many years, with never so much as a thank you note or even a phone call.

It's not that I didn't mind it, because I did it for my wife, to keep the approval ratings up if you know what I mean.

But once it stops... watch out!  The wife is the black sheep of the whole province.

Every time my wife considered going back to the Philippines, she would NOT go unless she was going to have about 5000.00 in cash on her person.  For this reason alone, she's never been back there, (even though I would have been happy to get her the ticket), however, I always felt like she wanted to get approval of her family and friends because of her money.

Mind you, she turns 50 on the 27th of this month, and still looks great, and get's hit up by 25 year old guys all the time, she just doesn't have the will power to say no to her family.

Sheesh.

[Bear]

... in response to Re: I have to agree, posted by BrianN on Sep 8, 2001

Those who have been brain washed into thinking that this is the right weay to believe.  I am amazed that they cn't see the pain it causes them and their children.  Kanos are generous and we call this burden on ourselves.  I hear guys all the time talk about sending $4-5-600 even a $1000/mo home and I cringe not only for the obvious failure he is setting himself up for but the next Kano who will meet someone that family knows.

Bear

[BrianN]

... in response to There are so many like Her, posted by Bear on Sep 8, 2001

WOW! 400 a MONTH???   1000???

My GOD they could get elected PRESIDENT of the Philippines with that much money!

That is insanity!

100 bucks tops, unless you've got deeper pockets, then 200.

That way, if you get laid off, you don't end up starving them from their new rich lifestyle.

At 150 they could eat darn good, feed half the neighborhood, and still afford a maid that delivers balut and san miguels every night!

If I was in Howard's position, I'd bleed them down from this thing...

And keep 400 in the bank.

One week send 100, then 75, then 50, (tell them that you're running out of money - CAUSE YOU ARE!), then be sure they know that you're going to be evicted and living on the street if you send your last 100, so you'll make a deal with'em and send them half, but no, they'll say 75, and you say deal... and that you won't have any more money for at least another two weeks, then send'em fifty...

Eventually they'll get the idea that the dream of monster cash just isn't there.  

It's not Howard's fault, and hardly half theirs because they have no idea how tough it is to survive and get ahead in the middle income range here.

Besides, the girl's a heck of a long ways away, and if SHE ever needs money to help herself, with no back up money in the bank, he'll kill himself over the stress.

My best advice on this, put your heart in your pocket and keep your brains in your wallet.

(I still can't imagine sending a grand a month over there... that would be incredible!)

[Bear]

... in response to Re: There are so many like Her, posted by BrianN on Sep 8, 2001

is still pretty good money.  I gave my wife an ATM that I maintain $200 in every month and a visa with a $300 liimit foe emergencies and trips I expect to Manila for the visa.  She has never used more that $250 (when she had to pay for 2 tuitions and some things I made her buy) and even once used none.  I agree that $150 is more than enuff.  Honey even told me tht her father only earned P60000 last year (less than $1200).

Bear

[BrianN]

... in response to $50-75/wk?, posted by Bear on Sep 8, 2001

WOW!
Now that is the ticket, and you have done great!

The ATM thing is PERFECT!

I'm suprised at your level of management here.. at the same time, letting her be in control.... AND keeping your relationship intact.

That is one heck of a superb idea.  (Where'd you get this from anyway?)

GOOD LUCK MAN!

[Bear]

... in response to Re: $50-75/wk?, posted by BrianN on Sep 9, 2001

I got it here from listening to others experiences here.  An ATM card was the fastest way of transfer every one found.  My actions with Honey was to give her independence but still be in control should things go awry.

Bear

[Dave H]

... in response to Re: There are so many like Her, posted by BrianN on Sep 8, 2001

Brian,

You are right! The more you send, the more they'll spend! No ones going to help us if we can't pay the bills, just complain that we are being "Cheap Charlies" when we can't send what they want. $100-$200 would be generous under most circumstances and would be much easier to maintain. I wouldn't have a problem with that. However, I am fortunate that my fiancee's family is self sufficient (not wealthy) and proud. Her mother doesn't want any payments from her after she arrives in the US and is working. I haven't sent any money on a regular basis. I helped out in several emergency situations and they are planning to repay me, which I have tried to refuse. I will put it into savings for a rainy day.

"My best advice on this, put your heart in your pocket and keep your brains in your wallet."

That is some of the best advice I have ever heard for any relationship. I sure wish you would have told me that years ago when I was with my ex.

Dave H.

[BrianN]

... in response to Great Advice!, posted by Dave H on Sep 8, 2001

Ya... when I was married... I didn't have a wallet, so my head ended up slightly to the left way up in the deep dark crevice of.. oh, those words aren't allowed.

:-0