For Howard and all...

[BrianN]

I sent this to you in email, but I felt like it would not hurt to post it to everyone.

I was reading some of your posts on the planet love bbs regarding your wife's situation in PI. I was married to a filipina from Surigao City for 12 years, (together about 15). I have been in this situation before in the past, regarding money, health stuff.. and all of that.

Regarding the sending money issue, it's a matter of setting a precedence.  The first time (and it has nothing to do with the health issues, be them real or not), you send money, or give or provide, you've established a precedent that will always be expected to be followed.

The filipino people will hold their married children's feet to the fire and ostracise them heavily if they don't follow through. (This is not always the case, as I have seen varying accounts over the last 20 years)

When I was in the Navy, I had an allotment of $200 a MONTH, going to my wifes family.  Of course, this enabled them to live like kings... and a lot of them. It did pay for a lot of educational needs which they never had before.  (Hell, I made a lousy 26,000 a year!)

The biggest misconception in the Philippines is that these people think americans are FLAT RICH, and can provide them with a constant source of income. This has not changed since WW2.  

In my opinion, I would never dump the entire 800.00 that you say you've got left in your savings account.  Never.

You have no idea what happens when a woman gets money like that, (over there) and how everybody in her family and friends will ask her for money... and then she will be hated, so in an effort to keep people happy, she will give and give and give.  As long as she's got a single american dollar left in her pocket, she'll be hounded.

Her loyalties are unfortunately end up split on a razorblade, leaving her almost like a victim of this mess.

This is the equivalent of me winning a lotto jackpot and everybody would want money from me... and then would hate me if I didn't give!

So, remember, it's your money, and your choice, however, you have to look at this as you're the candy store, and they are the children. It's your job to take the lead, and the responsibility for what you give.

If you are not careful, you will end up with a family of spoiled brats, and broke... all manipulated by love and skewed respect.

Good luck to you,
Brian

PS: Bear's got one HECK OF A WOMAN!

[outwest77]

... in response to For Howard and all..., posted by BrianN on Sep 8, 2001

but then again i chatted with a few guys who were deliriously happy with them, dont know how long they stayed with the RW, all the Russ board talks about is scams, u never hear about that on our board, well maybe once in a while but i dont think  its scams just busted relationships. the pinays are not that crafty

[humabdos]

... in response to would not touch them with a 10 foot  pol..., posted by outwest77 on Sep 9, 2001

Boy have you got somethings to learn Outwest LOL

Filipinas are the most crafty women on earth! Masters of deception. I don't know how many filipinas like my Ex-wife are still in the Philippines but it scares the hell out of me to think about it. WATCH OUT FOR TOKYO ROSE.

After having said that you might think I would never trust another filipina    Wrong I'll try and be much more careful next time. Also I'll be courting women over thirty no more little BRATS for me.

Good luck to all you guys in your 40's and 50's who are getting hooked up with 18 and 20 year olds ;-)  you will need it!   Humabdos

[BrianN]

... in response to "Pinays are not that crafty"  ..., posted by humabdos on Sep 9, 2001

I agree. That is why I have never considered a woman without a child. Someone that is grounded with the same kind of emotional attachments that I have, and share the same appreciations that I do.  As I posted here previously, the girl that I was nuts for a few years back was a year older than myself...

Honestly, PI's the best shot to find a good match (based on my own experience), simply because, the familarity is easier to deal with the second time around.

Good luck.

[J4J]

... in response to "Pinays are not that crafty"  ..., posted by humabdos on Sep 9, 2001


I think Jean said it best; we are all individuals and you will find all types most everywhere.  Do not make assumptions, and take time to get to know the people as individuals and enjoy only pleasant surprises.

Thanks Hum for keeping us grounded. I believe most negative reactions to your statements come from your choice of such forceful words that make you sound like you're trying to bury a good thing.  I believe you give the RP a great compliment when you say even after your less than perfect experience you are going for a new relationship there, only more carefully.

That it was the process that failed not the culture.

Good luck as sometimes luck helps more than caution.

Don't tell anyone, but two of my greatest sports acheivements were pure dumb luck.  Of course, I didn't point that out as they carried me off the court on their shoulders.hehe

J

[BrianN]

... in response to Jean crafed a really cool BD card for me..., posted by J4J on Sep 9, 2001

Is also sometimes pure, dumb luck!

[Carl]

... in response to "Pinays are not that crafty"  ..., posted by humabdos on Sep 9, 2001

Oh Well,,guess time will tell, if I live that long LOL
Wish you happiness with the right Filipina soon. I am a very lucky fella for sure.

[tomtneal]

... in response to "Pinays are not that crafty"  ..., posted by humabdos on Sep 9, 2001

My wife is 27 i am 47 we have been married for three years,no problems at this home
tneal

[greg]

... in response to "Pinays are not that crafty"  ..., posted by humabdos on Sep 9, 2001

Your right Humbadoes. I feel the older the Pinay the better. Why are Filipinos  calling their own people Liars and Pretenders??? Guys that are tooo trusting of Pinays becuz of her sweetness and beauty is making a mistake in judgement. Best to simply look at them as plenty of available Women nothing more or less. greg

[Ray]

... in response to For Howard and all..., posted by BrianN on Sep 8, 2001

Hi Brian!

What you described is certainly true in many cases, but I have to take exception with your implications that all Filipinos act this way. When you use terms like “…will always be expected…”, “The filipino people will…”, “…these people think…”and  “…everybody in her family and friends will…”, then you are generalizing and unfairly so.

Apparently you have had some bad experiences and I understand your feelings. But please don’t imply that ALL Filipinos think or act the same way becasue they don't. May I ask if you got to know your wife’s family realy well before you married her? Did you have a chance to visit them and see how they live and act? The reason I ask is because I have seen many of my fellow Americans marry Filipina ladies without the foggiest idea of what her family was really like. When they discovered later that she had a family of blood-sucking leeches and their wives didn’t have the backbone to say NO to them, they seemed so shocked and surprised.

It’s really a character thing. My first wife’s immediate family (mother, brothers & sister) Never asked her for money. Granted, she did have a couple of cousins and an aunt who were always trying to ask her for money, but she simply laid down the law and told them NO. My current wife’s family, also from Surigao Del Norte by the way, are too proud and self-reliant to ask for money, like Dave H’s future in-laws. If a guy's spouse can’t stand up to the leeches and say NO, then maybe he picked the wrong one.

I always recommend that these guys get to know the lady’s family real well before they commit because, as you suggested, they do have strong family ties and influence in most cases. If a guy does find out that his fiancée has family members who will stoop to those depths that you described, and she can’t or won’t stand up to them, then he should really re-think this whole thing before tying the knot.

I hope the Russian quest works out for you. What ships did you serve on in the Navy?

Ray (USN, Ret)

[BrianN]

... in response to More Generalizations?, posted by Ray on Sep 8, 2001

Hello Ray,
I have had many excursions to the Philippines, and like you, served in the US Navy. (12 yrs - pac based, destroyer/cruiser sailor).

Maybe you didn't see my caveat in the post.

Not a problem.

No, I have no problem with the people in the Philippines, and you will see this, in my post just above yours here.

However, there is a mantra that continues, to this day...
and unfortuately, some people, like all, can get greedy once they have a "taste" of fortune.

This is not just prevalent with folks in PI, but here as well.  Take for instance, the typical family here that hits the lotto.  What's the first thought?  Disappear! (Bear is having this problem, and Howard.. well, you know).

There will always be money grubbing no matter the society, and with the disappearance of the USN, USAF, and USMC bases in PI, things are not the same there anymore.

This is a "fever" issue. Having your Filipina wife stuck in PI with the notariety of being a new fil-am wife does have it's complications for them. The temperature and pressure start to rise very quickly... so fast that most fiance's may never know how to handle it.

No, I did NOT have a bad experience. My experience is my own, and very specific. But I have many old friends that have been this route, and watched and assisted all of them through it.  I was lucky. I was quite proud to send my money to her family.

I still am proud of what I did.  I helped one heck of a lot of people to build better lives for themselves, where here, would have been nothing more than beer money.

Anyway, I'm glad to see your response, and while you are defending the culture, I prefer to look at both sides of it, not just one.....

Tell you what, read thru the entire thread of this post, and see if you don't agree with me on money management, when it comes to sending money to the Philippines.

Heck, I'm divorced for 4 years now, and last month, I sent money to my ex's mother anyway.  Why?  Cause I care.  She needed the 200 more than I did.

And I do well know how much she can do with that much there.

So, no hard feelings... just be sure not to ignore the parenthisized statements in my posts.

You and I probably have enough experience together, to develop a full year's course on this subject, and I will respect your views as sincere, and realistic.

Thanks,
Brian

[Dave H]

... in response to More Generalizations?, posted by Ray on Sep 8, 2001

Hey Ray,

My ex-wife's family are great! It's her that none of us can get along with. ;o)) This time I have both, a great family and a fantastic fiancee. Her immediate family is hard working and knows how to budget for important things. There are 6 children and all have bachelor's degrees. 3 are registered nurses, 2 are engineers, and 1 is an accountant. They worked while they waited for their turn to go to college, two at a time. It's important to remember, you not only marry your fiancee, but her entire family.  

Dave H

[FilipinaCupid]

... in response to Very True!, posted by Dave H on Sep 9, 2001


Dave, sounds like you are doing it right this time - good for you.  Maybe Bear will be the exception but having family support and understanding is very important even if you live 20,000k away.  I was so happy to see my family like Jerry so much and Jerry them.  I had courtship fail 4 years ago mainly because my family convince me he not right for me.  Looking back, I now agree with them but I was subborn at the time for too long.

Blessings,

Jean

@^:^@

[shadow]

... in response to For Howard and all..., posted by BrianN on Sep 8, 2001

I had been a little better educated about this two years ago, it would have saved me a lot of headache!!  Good and accurate post, Brian.

[tomtneal]

... in response to For Howard and all..., posted by BrianN on Sep 8, 2001

very good post,and very true