Lady-Juggling & Other Death-Defying Feats

[John O]

Since my last visit to Cali, I've been communicating with 3 ladies I met at agencies there. I'm planning to return shortly for the holidays.

Now comes the hard part. I haven't spent enough time with any of the 3 to have a solid, clearcut preference. They're all reasonably attractive, intelligent, sweet, etc. But I have to spend more time with them to know who's the best partner for me.

None have asked if I'm communicating with other ladies, so I haven't mentioned it. All have asked me when I'm coming; so far I've been vague about my schedule.

My plan is to rank them as best I can, then plan to see them in that order. If #1 doesn't work out, then it's on to #2, etc. It's always difficult on these 2-3 week visits to to find/decide on the right lady.

Any thoughts and/or experience appreciated.

[DallasSteve2]

... in response to Lady-Juggling & Other Death-Defying ..., posted by John O on Dec 12, 2003

Someday I may put together a list of theorums in this foreign bride dating game.  If I do these will be included:

1 - If you haven't proposed marriage and you haven't told her you're not seeing anyone else then you don't owe your "foreign girlfriend" anything at this point.

2 - If you haven't proposed marriage yet your "foreign girlfriend" probably doesn't put a lot of faith in your level of commitment.

3 - If your "foreign girlfriend" is young and beautiful she is probably going out with other men at one level or another, unless you are engaged and she is faithful.

So my advice is "Don't ask, don't tell."  That is not lying.  That is keeping your cards close to your vest.  Believe me, they're doing the same.  Most of these girls are more clever at romance than anybody here on this board, and they're more scheming than you think.  Don't lie, but don't tell them when you will arrive, except for girl number 1.  She can meet you at the airport.  The others can wonder.  

When I made trip number 2 my wife monopolized all of my time and I didn't get to do any further exploration.  These girls will drop all other responsibilities, even work, if they think they have a good one that they don't want to get away.  And I was too much of a nice guy.

Steve

[CaliAdvisor]

... in response to I went through this last year, posted by DallasSteve2 on Dec 13, 2003

[Freddie]

... in response to Lady-Juggling & Other Death-Defying ..., posted by John O on Dec 12, 2003

Since you are visiting over Christmas and New Year's what are you going to tell them when they ALL want you to be with them and meet their families at the same time?

[John O]

... in response to The only problem I see is..., posted by Freddie on Dec 13, 2003

To be honest, I lie.

Insofar as possible, I have tried to be vague & non-committal about my arrival dates on these follow-up trips. That way, if #1 doesn't work out & I need to move on to #2, I can tell her that I just got in town, perhaps ahead of schedule.

Doing this kind of juggling/fudging act is not my favorite thing to do. I would almost never lie to a woman with whom I had established a monogamous relationship. But when you've only had 1 or 2 interviews/dates & exchanged a few phone calls/emails with them, you're still trying to get to know them (Is there mutual chemistry, are we compatible, does she really like me, etc.) You're still in the friendship/exploration stage. However, if the Latina you've started something with knows you're in town, she'll usually want to have you "all to herself."

In the past, I've been burned by resentful ladies who didn't like me "exploring other possibilities," and returned my honesty with hurtful lies of their own. So I guess I'm applying the "All's fair in love & war" ethic here. Still, I hate to lie, and I hate to hurt others' feelings even more. So when expedient, I try to fudge or omit the truth (like itineraries) rather than telling fibs.

Comments? Confessions? Judgments?

[CaliAdvisor]

... in response to All's Fair in Love & War?, posted by John O on Dec 13, 2003

I am gonna have to disagree with you bub.. Its better to see all three of them and let them know that you have several "friends" in Cali with which you are conversing. They need to know that there is competition so that they can decide if they are really interested or not. These women are not stupid, they probably see right through your little lies anyways, so dont treat them like they are clueless.

The other added benefit is if they know there are others, they might start doing things to make themselves shine out over the rest...

[John O]

... in response to Re: All's Fair in Love & War?, posted by CaliAdvisor on Dec 15, 2003

Thanks for your feedback. However, I must admit to being a little confused. You said that Dallas Steve's strategy of playing it "close to the vest" was "very good advice." It seems that Steve & I are more or less on the same page when it comes to "Don't ask, don't tell," as he so well put it. He's saying the ladies don't need to know about the competition; you say they do. Please clarify.

As for me, I will answer truthfully if a lady asks if I'm communicating with or seeing other women. But I will not volunteer this info, or other details regarding "the competition." My experience has been that the Latina reacts negatively to the idea that you're pursuing a number of ladies, at least after she thinks she's made a deeper connection with you. Typically, she'll thank me for my honesty, then distance herself and/or lose interest.

There was a wonderful lady from AFA/Ctga. I wrote to last year. During our 1st phone call, she asked if I were communicating with other ladies, & I answered yes. She never asked me again. We had a great connection, & I really liked her. When I finally met her in Ctga, however, she learned I was meeting another lady (2, actually) as well. After finding out she was not (yet) the only one, she lost interest. If she had only been a little more patient or understanding... Hm, better not go there.

[CaliAdvisor]

... in response to Don't Ask, Don't Tell, posted by John O on Dec 15, 2003

Sorry if I was a little unclear. Upon second thought, you've got a point. Latin women are insecure little treats - and the prospect of other women sometimes scares them away. So I guess it is ok to play your cards close to your chest. However, the great advice by DallasSteve had to do with the fact that one needs to forget about putting on some show like you are the perfect little angel. These women are very very adept at the ways of romance and many of them are seeing Colombians while they get serious with you. So dont let them fool you into thinking that you owe them anything. You can let them know that you have other friends in Cali and that you are trying to find someone to get serious with.

[DallasSteve2]

... in response to Re: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, posted by CaliAdvisor on Dec 16, 2003

On my first trip to Cali I met another gringo at All Colombian Girls who was a veteran of this chase.  He was retired, living in Colombia/Peru and he kept a database of the women he was working on his laptop computer.  For real.

He was talking about trying to juggle more than one woman in the agencies and his comment that I remember most was: "These women have their BS detectors set on Hi".

Steve

[Miguel]

... in response to All's Fair in Love & War?, posted by John O on Dec 13, 2003

RE:  Being non-commital about arrival dates -- I've used that several times and it has worked for me.  However, each time, I save the best one for last.  I think it might not have worked out so well if I had seen the one I was most interested in early in the trip.

[Freddie]

... in response to All's Fair in Love & War?, posted by John O on Dec 13, 2003

Just be careful. If more than one knows you're there you will really have to start juggling.

[JimmySTLOUIS]

... in response to All's Fair in Love & War?, posted by John O on Dec 13, 2003

Hi
My thoughts on a relationship are more like - I put a lot into the relationship and expect a lot back.
I exect total honesty but I give it too.

It all depends on what you really want out of the relationship in the end. Lets say that you play and play - then you find the "right" girl. What is she ever found out about your "play"?
If you want this girl to be honest with you then you might want to do the same.
If this is all just playing then go have fun.

Why not try and really write to them and talk about ALL things. Write them a lot and use Yahoo messenger.

I wanted to make a real connection of the heart. I like to put it all out there and have the girl so the same. So far so good of me.

Remember that after time ALL things tend to find their way to the surface.

You might be starting by "fudging" then she starts "fudging" and down the slippery slope you go ...........

I want a girl who loves me and only me like there is no tomorrow. I want loyalty and honesty. I had a GREAT looking wife before but she was a little short in the honesty department.

Best of luck

jim

[DavidMN]

... in response to Lady-Juggling & Other Death-Defying ..., posted by John O on Dec 12, 2003

If you decide to go with #1 and it doesn't work out, better not let #2 (or #3) see your passport stamps. And slip some cheddar to the hotel staff so they act like they don't know ya'   ;-)

[HeyNow]

... in response to Lady-Juggling & Other Death-Defying ..., posted by John O on Dec 12, 2003

IMHO I think if your are truly honest with yourself, there is only one you are interested in.  Like you wrote #1.