You have to have respect

[Pete E]

Clay on latin womens list did a post on love the other night I thought was good.But reading further in to the relationship he is in its a disaster,puts my screw up to shame.I won't get in to specifics,but believe me.
Here is my post to him.Yes,I know,I am very guilty of this also.It  is the basis of my failed marriage.It became very clear to me tonight.Not just in response to Clays post but to my own situation I am still living in,but not for long.

Pete

Clay,
I could go along with your thoughts on love,if we are talking love in general,agape I think its called.But Eros,romantic love is an entirely different thing.Its not unconditional,there is a relationship that needs to be mutual or you don't have s---.
And respect is the key.If you don't have the other persons respect you have nothing in a romantic relationship.You are a door mat with wording " wipe feet here."
In a way respect is easier than love.Love is complicated.Respect is pretty simple.
I have certainly made my mistakes in this area.But right now I am thinking if I had looked at it from the standpoint of respect I could have stated my possition more clearly.Said what was not working for me.It seems so simple in hindsight.Maybe that perspective would have made a difference.But I can't turn back the clock and there is nothing else to do but leave now.Its the only option that will bring a little respect but I'm not doing it for that reason.I just want the f--- out of it.If she comes around to respect later it will be too late.
And respect starts with respect for yourself.You have to have that to demand it from others.
You can be giving,and loving,but you need to watch respect.Giving and loving can increase it or decrease it.You will know if you pay attention.
It sounds like both of us burnt the opportunity of our last relationship.Its almost impossible to reverse.We both need to move on,at least I'm sure I do.
Respect yourself.You are a worthy person.Don't allow that to be compromised.Find somebody that respects you.Don't settle for less.
And I don't think it needs to be years of analysis tough.A commitment to not settle for less is all you need.

Pete

[Fuzzyone]

... in response to You have to have respect, posted by Pete E on Nov 17, 2003

Yea Pete with what I went throu I agree 100% with you. I did not demand
the respect and I never got it big mistake.!!

[Zorrowins]

... in response to You have to have respect, posted by Pete E on Nov 17, 2003

Having survived a relationship where I wasn't respected, I have some "free" advise. It is most important to be introspective of yourself or you(me) may repeat the awful experience.

In my case I met my lover when I was losing weight from 375#. I weighed 245# at the time and felt 375#, unworthy of anybody, and zero self-esteem. All of a sudden a beautiful 11 year younger women wanted ME! I fell and fell for her hard! I was a door mat BIG TIME!

So after a 2.5 year mostly unhappy relationship, here's some pointers. (1) She may have Narcisstic Personality Disorder if she's attracted to "weak" individuals she can totally dominate(Read Loving The Self-Absorbed by Nina Brown). Believe me Narcissist can spot you accross a crowded room and will initially give you everything you want. The price will be high-too high in the end. (2) Look at yourself honestly. Acknowledge your problems(emotionally), identify your problems, and get help! Learn all you can about Narcissist and yourself-their prey. Why did they choose you?(oh yes they choose you). Most importantly how will it be any different next time? READ the book!

Lastly the defination of insanity-Doing the same thing and expecting a different result!

[Pete E]

... in response to Amen! Re: You have to have respect, posted by Zorrowins on Nov 18, 2003

It seems so clear in hindsight what I did,and it was pretty stupid.
I first blew respect by proposing to her too quickly.It was kind of a spur of the moment thing but if I had thought about it from the standpoint of respect I would have delayed that,alot longer than what I was thinking.Up to that point I was being pursued.She wanted me but didn't know if she could have me.I should have let her remain in that state for a week or 2.Instead I threw away any respect by being way too fast and way too easy.And it just went downhill from there.Getting respect back after you have given it away can be almost impossible.You probably just need to start clean with someone else.
God to think of all I have given her and to think it just made me appear a fool.How incredibly stupid.
Now I need to take the only stand I can and just leave.I thought I might be crying as I went out the door.My new thought is it will be more like frankly Scarlet I don't give a damn.
Then  I start looking at this in so many other areas of my life,where I just give away my power and self respect by volunteering demeaning things about myself.How stupid.What a poor way to treat the most important person in my life,me.
I was watching Arnold get sworn in as California governor yesterday.He couldn't have even started to accomplish what he has without loads of self respect.
Hm,reminds me of an old movie where Bogart is this guys hero.Every time he had to do something he would think what would Bogie do? Maybe I will look at it from that standpoint.What would somebody I could really respect do?
Its so simple,why was it so hard to learn??

Pete

[Zorrowins]

... in response to Re: Amen! Re: You have to have respect, posted by Pete E on Nov 18, 2003

Pete,
Please quit totally blaming yourself! Your partner has some serious issues too. However, I would bet she considers herself blameless and a victim. (Hmm-an N perhaps?) Hang in there-a new day is dawning. But just remember the definition of insanity-Doing the same thing and expecting a different result! :-)

[Pete E]

... in response to Pete-Only wear the clothes that fit you!, posted by Zorrowins on Nov 18, 2003

I certainly don't intend to do the same thing,other than choosing  to hang in here for 2 more weeks for some important reasons.
And I'm not so much blaming myself as in beating myself up as admitting I was responsible for letting it happen to me.Thats just facing the truth,regardless of her bad behavior I had to allow it to happen.Which is not to say she didn't have anything to do with it.Of course she did.It was her choice which I went along with.And the denial on her part.So convincing it made me wonder if I was the crazy person.She will not admit what she did to anyone.She can't even admit the truth to herself.But I don't think she is big time N.She does seem to care about some people,just not me.
I don't think I will do it quite like that again.

Pete

[Zorrowins]

... in response to Re: Pete-Only wear the clothes that fit ..., posted by Pete E on Nov 19, 2003

As You Know I dated, was in love with and was verbally engaged to a Narcissit(which I didn't realize at the time). So when everything blew up in my face I spent monthes educating myself. So for a paradox regarding Narcissitic Women. They usually invest an enormous amount of time and attention on their children. They are very sacrifical in the effort expended on the younger children. Here's the rub-Things are not as they appear. They consider their "loved" ones an extension of themselves. They have a very poorly developed sense of where they end and the other begins. The "loved" ones are an extension of themselves. Didn't you ever wonder why she's such a control freak? Why? To an N it is just like her right arm. If you commanded your right arm to reach for the door knob and it didn't respond--Wouldn't you go nuts? Thats what a N does when a "love" one doesn't respond in the way the N wishes. They go nuts! To them you are an extension of themselves if you're their "loved" one. So when their kid does some great thing-The N did it. When they invest time and effort with their kid, they are loving themselves. They can't really love anybody, as they do not have empathy. It only appears to be love. Nuts-You bet! READ the book-Loving The Self Absorbed by Nina Brown.

Just my thoughts!

[Freddie]

... in response to Re: Amen! Re: You have to have respect, posted by Pete E on Nov 18, 2003

[This message has been edited by Freddie]

If not I suggest you get some SOON. This website is a poor substitute, especially for someone who seems to thrive on continually rehashing their mistakes.

[zack]

... in response to Pete, have you had any counseling?, posted by Freddie on Nov 18, 2003

Freddie I have to respectfully disagree. First of all, Pete is just sharing his frustrating story with us and laughing at himself for mistakes that most of us have made, including me.

Secondly, if he were to see a counselor, good luck finding one that can relate to his story more than us. Good luck finding a counselor who went to Colombia and dated Colombian women. To me, WE are the best "counselors" for Pete.

Zack

[JSlo]

... in response to Re: Pete, have you had any counseling?, posted by zack on Nov 19, 2003

Zack,
I may agree that Pete can get along without the services of a counselor, however, this board certainly is no substitute for a true professional. The problem in seeking help is that there are a lot of quacks out there and you really have to do your homework to find a good one. If Pete sought help, Colombian women would hardly be mentioned as the problem.
J

[zack]

... in response to Re: Re: Pete, have you had any counselin..., posted by JSlo on Nov 19, 2003

JSlo,

I agree that this board is no substitute for a true professional. We are not psychologists. What I am saying is, nobody can relate to a person's problem more than someone who has actually been there.

I saw two different relationship counselors before regarding a previous Colombian relationship and both counselors had this attitude of "why the hell are you looking for a woman in Colombia in the first place?"
As you can imagine, the counseling was not very helpful. If they had actually been there, they wouldn't have such a judgemental attitude. I agree that Colombian women are not Pete's problem, but a lot of counselors would disagree.

Like you said, you have to do your homework to find a good one.

Zack

[Pete E]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Pete, have you had any couns..., posted by zack on Nov 19, 2003

Yeah I don't think I will go find a young hottie in Colombia would be well recieved.Particularly by the old broads we are trying to avoid by going there.My ex is a counsoler.She probably wouldn't be big on it.And I wouldn't even bother with a relationship with someone like her now.
But whats their solution?Lower your expectations?
If you are living your life fully you have no need for some would be expert to tell you how to do it.
Have you seen that commercial where this guy is out driving his new car while his shrink is listening to his so long message?
Analysis can be of help for very confused people who don't know where to turn.
But,I think I will mail one particularly ditsy shrink and tell her how slow she was to get what was so f---king obvious.I have very much less respect for would be proffesionals after some totally incompitent ones I have encountered recently.
And ,did you know,the suicide rate for shrinks is  5 times the national average? Really want to pay them $100-$150 an  hour to tell you what you should do?
A doctor can make alot of money because they can help you alot in 10 miniutes.Shrinks think they should make the same money helping you VERY slowly or not at all.10 miniutes will get you nothing.
Been there,done that,wish I had my money back.But I did learn from it.I remember just sitting upright in bed one night thinking hey,I have to deal with this myself.Nobody can do it for me or probably even be much help.The most important insight you will ever get with a shrink is YOU DO NOT NEED THEM.YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE.NO ONE ELSE.

Pete

[zack]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Pete, have you had any c..., posted by Pete E on Nov 20, 2003

Pete,

I agree with Calipro. The best therapy in the world is to go to Cali. It is a great way to get your mind off your problems.

Regarding counselors, the good ones are not a waste of money. Some are truly helpful. But yes, there are a lot of useless counselors out there.

Regardless, a thousand counselors won't give you the therapy that a few Cali trips would give you.

Zack

[Calipro]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Pete, have you had any c..., posted by Pete E on Nov 20, 2003


The only therapy you need is the kind you can only get in Cali. One trip to Caleña heaven and you'll thank your wife for leaving you. I know I did. What ever you do don't hang around your ex during the holidays. It will be to depressing. I suggest the following itineray:

Total price for this trip: $993.90  
 

Thu 18-Dec-03  

San Jose (SJC)
Depart 6:35 am
Terminal C   to   Houston (IAH)
Arrive 12:07 pm
Terminal C  1612 mi (2594 km)
Duration: 3hr 32mn  

Flight: 1326
OPERATED BY CONTINENTAL -- CO326  

Economy/Coach Class, Breakfast, Boeing 737-800  
 

Houston (IAH)
Depart 1:35 pm
Terminal C   to   Panama City (PTY)
Arrive 6:35 pm  1765 mi (2840 km)
Duration: 4hr 0mn  

Flight: 2888
OPERATED BY CONTINENTAL -- CO888  

Economy/Coach Class, Lunch, Boeing 737-800  

Panama City (PTY)
Depart 7:48 pm   to   Cali (CLO)
Arrive 9:15 pm  441 mi (710 km)
Duration: 1hr 27mn  

Flight: 201  

Economy/Coach Class, Breakfast, Boeing 737-700  

Total miles: 3818 mi (6144 km)
Total duration: 8hr 59mn (11hr 40mn with connections)  


Wed 7-Jan-04  

Cali (CLO)
Depart 7:45 am   to   Panama City (PTY)
Arrive 9:05 am  441 mi (710 km)
Duration: 1hr 20mn  

Flight: 200  

Economy/Coach Class, Breakfast, Boeing 737-700  



Panama City (PTY)
Depart 10:25 am   to   Houston (IAH)
Arrive 1:28 pm
Terminal D  1765 mi (2840 km)
Duration: 4hr 3mn  

Flight: 2889
OPERATED BY CONTINENTAL -- CO889  

Economy/Coach Class, Lunch, Boeing 737-800  

Houston (IAH)
Depart 5:35 pm
Terminal C   to   San Jose (SJC)
Arrive 7:45 pm
Terminal C  1612 mi (2594 km)
Duration: 4hr 10mn  

Flight: 2133
OPERATED BY CONTINENTAL -- CO1233  

Economy/Coach Class, Dinner, Boeing 737-800  

Total miles: 3818 mi (6144 km)
Total duration: 9hr 33mn (15hr 0mn with connections)  

[roadken]

... in response to Pete, have you had any counseling?, posted by Freddie on Nov 18, 2003

Perhaps it is more productive to look at Pete's dissertation's as a learning tool for the rest of us.It is easy to take shots at the foilables of others.We have all made mistakes.Pete's is out in the open.If he can keep other poor souls from repeating what he has done,then he has been of great service.Yes?Yes!!