To Pete

[Zorrowins]

... in response to And - - , posted by Pete E on Oct 21, 2003

The ONLY reason I know so much about NPD is I feel in love with one hard!! So I spent months researching her and at the end me! What was wrong with ME! Why did I put up with this verbably abusive woman? (By the way another characteristic of NPD is a feeling of entitlement.You could give  a Narcisisst $1,000,000 bucks and NOT even get a thank you or maybe even an acknowledgement!) At any rate they are like a drug. So now I know all the signs and can spot one immediately! I've also had to address some personal issues about my own personality! So get away ASAP!!! Believe me if she has NPD all my research states they NEVER change and to stay the hell away from them! Run Pete-Run!!! She'll destroy you! She'll take your soul! Good Luck!!!

[Pete E]

... in response to So quit beating yourself up!, posted by Zorrowins on Oct 22, 2003

Wow,
You might be on to somthing here.Reading a little about it some of it does describe her.Ecpecially the entitlement.
Sounds like we were made for each other.Me the doormat,her the feet.And I'm the one feeling empathy for her while she the abuser feels none for me.One time I gave several thousand dollars to her family for something they said they needed badly.She didn't even say thanks and thought nothing of it when I pointed it out to her.
I guess the run part of your statement is the key.There is enough reason already to run.So maybe I just need to recognise enough of it in her to stay away and not try to look out for her.
I was thinking of another example,more of a sociopath I think.Scott Peterson,who very likely killed his wife and son and thought nothing of it.Everyone was so charmed by him.His wifes girlfriends thought he was the best husband.His wife parents couldn't imagine he had anything to do with it untill it  became very obvious he did.He had everyone conned and seemed so real about it they didn't get it.Hmm.Not saying she would kill,but the charming everyone.Rocio is very good at that.Even the psychologist we saw,and some of her friends ."I don't think Rocio is the type of person to do that",when she obviously did do that."
Probably why she is so convincing in denial.No conscience at all about lying or denial.Willing to say anything to protect her position.A story that keeps changing but she can always defend the newest version.So empathetic me thinks,wow,maybe she is telling the truth,she so obviously believes it,when she so obviously isn't.
Might be why we coud never talk anything out.She was defending herself insteasd of being willing to be honest.If I had a good point she would never admit it.Catch her in a lie she will never admit ity.Very frustrating trying to deal with someone like that.Hard for anyone.Impossible for an empathetic person.
Hmm.
I will admit there was a time in my life I thought  psycology was the answer to all problems.Then I got so tired of the analysis I went the other way totally.Probably the first time in years I admitted the analysis had somerthing to it.

Pete

[Zorrowins]

... in response to So quit beating yourself up!, posted by Zorrowins on Oct 22, 2003

Don't you honestly think she should be panicked about losing her only means of suppport? Here she is basically making minimum wage in one of the most expensive areas of the country. Is she worried? Not at all! Guess what another symptom of NPD is "magical thinking." Is she quick to anger-but in general shows very little other emotions? Is she a control freak-control of everything(including YOU) is extremely important? Does she she herself as the perfect woman? Has she EVER apologized? Does she refuse critism and get VERY angry if you dare criticise her? At the same time she's very critical of you! If you answer yes to these questions-guess what? Yep you are living with a full blown Narcissist! They never change nor get help as they of course are perfect in every way! RUN Pete-Get AWAY!!! It's taken me over a year to recover.

[Pete E]

... in response to And another thing Pete, posted by Zorrowins on Oct 22, 2003

Some of that fits.Some not.Hmm.

Pete

[Pete E]

... in response to To Pete, posted by Zorrowins on Oct 21, 2003

Well the last part sounds right for sure.Seemed like she really wanted me untill she got me.Then a total change.
I wasn't abandoned as a child but I do have this personality that wants o pleasde other and look at it from their standpoint.I'm not sure I really need to go there if I can just get out of this situation.

Pete

[gkdrummer]

... in response to Re: To Pete, posted by Pete E on Oct 21, 2003

Not that you need any add'l prompting, but thought I would add my 2 cents to help bolster your new direction:

After 18 years, it took my wife leaving me to get myself to the point where I could see the truth.  I'm an analytical sort, and was desperate to understand how this could happen to me.  So I got my hands on some books that deal with relationship problems and found out that I was in the same category that has been detailed by Zorrowins.  The sad thing is that, deep inside, I've known that she had no love or empathy since our first year together - and still I could not bring myself to leave her.  Of course, I rationalized it any way I could - feeling that I couldn't abandon HER son (who I adopted) was always a good one.  Ironically, HER son grew up with a father/mother household, while OUR son now is raised primarily by me.  And, get this - her son is a ner-do-well who, at 21, is still living with me - while OUR son (although only 11) is a complete opposite - an angel!
I understand your approach to getting out as cleanly and on good terms as you can.  Others may disagree, but it's my approach as well, and I feel will keep your karma in a good space.
What's done is done - regardless of any details, such as her possibly having a boyfriend.  At this point, the ONLY important thing is that you really come to terms with who you are when it comes to relationships so that you never walk down that same road again.  As Zorrowins said, now that I am aware of these type of people, I can spot them pretty quickly and, when I do, the sirens and red flags start screaming!  I highly recommend that you follow his advice and pick up a few books regarding these issues so that you understand and learn.  One final note:  People are not made from cookie-cutters, so you will always be able to find some examples of how your wife does NOT fit that profile - but you have to look at the person/relationship as a whole, and from everything I've read (all your posts) - there doesn't seem to be any doubt that she fits the mold.  Thank you for sharing your story Pete - It's good to know that the board's concern for you has been a source of comfort.

Best of Luck

--gk

[Zorrowins]

... in response to Re: Re: To Pete, posted by gkdrummer on Oct 22, 2003

Sorry you went through the same experience. You underscored why it's so important to get educated. Otherwise you and I are patsys for the next one who comes along. I believe at least 1 out of 50 to 100 women have NPD. Many of them are beautiful too!

[Zorrowins]

... in response to Re: To Pete, posted by Pete E on Oct 21, 2003

Right! What you described is called Empathy. The hallmark of NPD is they don't have empathy. It's not that a narcissist is witholding it-They don't have it and don't even realize they don't. That's why it's a mental disorder.