Is this a big deal ???? (little help please)

[thundernco]

... in response to Is this a big deal ? (little help ple..., posted by JimmySTLOUIS on Oct 17, 2003

Tough one to call.  A few decent girls do ask on occassion if they're in a serious relationship with you, but MOST do not.  There are basically two ways you can handle it:
1. Be the nice guy and give her the benefit of the doubt and the money.  See how she handles it, and if the requests keep on coming then you know to get out.  But at least you can feel good that you gave her the benefit of the doubt and she blew a good thing for $40.
or
2.  Don't give her the money and see how she reacts.  If she stays, good but she may resnt it in the future.  If she turns and  runs, you're the better off for it.
Either way, good luck -TNC

[CaliAdvisor]

... in response to Is this a big deal ? (little help ple..., posted by JimmySTLOUIS on Oct 17, 2003

Ahh.. I didnt realize that you hadnt even met her in person yet. That changes things.

[CaliAdvisor]

... in response to Is this a big deal ? (little help ple..., posted by JimmySTLOUIS on Oct 17, 2003

At least the money is for her and not for her father. Giving money to your girlfriend is to be expected. Paying for the family is not. Although you really should be able to figure this one out for yourself. If you like the girl and you plan on bringing her to the USA, wouldn't you want her to be taking English classes?

[JimmySTLOUIS]

... in response to Re: Is this a big deal ? (little help..., posted by CaliAdvisor on Oct 17, 2003

thanks for your help. I am not too sure how I should be able to sort this one out for myself? I am a big boy but this SA thing is a whole new ball game!

I know its only $40 and that part is no big deal.

I also know that the english is a huge bonus and I would have to pay that anyway. I really actually like the idea of helping her. I am a very giving person (but that didnt always work out for me after 12 years of me "giving")

Its not the money at all. This is just the first "flag" that has been raised at all.

I am very very new to this it just has me thinking. If it were someone I was actually dating here then it would be no problem to lay a couple of 20's on them. I was spending $100 on dinner and wine on the first date with women here so I am not really a tight a*s.

I just dont want to start down the wrong road with this.

jim

[lswote]

... in response to Re: Is this a big deal ? (little help..., posted by CaliAdvisor on Oct 17, 2003

[This message has been edited by lswote]

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[DavidMN]

... in response to Is this a big deal ? (little help ple..., posted by JimmySTLOUIS on Oct 17, 2003

Hard to say. It's gonna cost you $5-$10 to send anything less than $100 cash via a transfer service. So maybe you spend $50 net and make it a one time thing. Any more, regardless of the dollar amount, ought to be a signal that the requests are never going to end. And if she keeps asking...move on. It sounds like you've had a nice and promising online relationship so far; you also haven't blown $1000 on a tour where you might or might not find someone worth talking to for five weeks straight. Not a very big expense so far if it turns out she's the wrong kind of woman. Good luck.

-David

[markxport]

... in response to Re: Is this a big deal ?  , posted by DavidMN on Oct 17, 2003

Hello Jimmy,

I agree with David and Miguel, $40 bucks is no big deal.  However, if it continues then I would have real concerns about her.

Take care,

Mark

[surfscum]

... in response to Is this a big deal ? (little help ple..., posted by JimmySTLOUIS on Oct 17, 2003

Hey Jimmy, my opinion is that good girls don't ask. They might mention they're going through a rough time and drop hints, but I think this is a red flag, especially since it's only been 5 weeks.

BTW, my novia lives in SM de Porres. It is a poor area and not a place to wander around at night. She gets cable because a friend tapped into the downstairs line of her grandmother's apartment. She does not have a cell phone, though. In the summer they lose water pressure and sometimes go for days without water. They handle that by saving water in the bath tub and in any containers they have. Then, when they want to use it, they have to boil it. Her employer routinely paid her 1, 2 or more weeks late and sometimes only a fraction of what she earned. In the winter they freeze because the house is only 3-walled in places. Her father has serious health problems and her mother had some problem with her eye earlier this year, but in spite of her poverty and problems she has NEVER asked for money. In fact, she is not impressed when I have taken her to nice restaurants: she is prefectly content in a pollo a la brasa place.

I just wanted to give you a little info for a comparison. You can tell her that you don't think you are at a point in the relationship where it is appropriate to do that, or give her the money as a gift and say that's it, whatever. It's your choice, of course. If you don't give her the money and she dumps you, you have been saved a world of misery.

[Bueller]

... in response to Good girls don't ask., posted by surfscum on Oct 17, 2003

I would agree with this. I got taken for the "English lessons" thing once, and it turns out that she not only went to school for free, the (Ukrainian) government gives students a stipend. It's not clear that your girlfriend's situation is the same, but if you have known her for five weeks it doesn't sound like an appropriate request. Miss Manners would probably recommend saying, "I'm sorry, I just can't do that," and then responding to any further pressure with "Because I just can't."

 The problem with giving her money now is that you open the door for the relationship to be distorted by her acquiring an inappropriate dependency upon you-- assuming this isn't what she has planned on all along.

 Think about it: assuming they are really in a bind, how would they have dealt with it if they didn't know you? That's what they should do, then. How many proud Latino fathers do you know of who would resort so quickly to asking their daughters' boyfriends for help? It's hard to imagine.

 Nice girls don't ask for money.

 Nice girls don't ask for money.

 Nice girls don't ask for money.

[lswote]

... in response to Is this a big deal ? (little help ple..., posted by JimmySTLOUIS on Oct 17, 2003

Yes, this sounds like a scam.  Particularly the "shame" part.  Scamming women use that approach often.  $40 doesn't seem like a lot, but you could look at it another way; Is she willing to throw away such a fairytale romance over $40 if you say no?  Any reasonable person doesn't expect someone they never met to bail them out of a situation and if you say no and she ends the relationship that will tell you she didn't think much of the relationship in the first place.  You might find it legitimate to help your novia or her family financially sometime in the future if you become serious, but it is too early in the relationship for someone who legitimately has feelings for you to be asking for money.

[Miguel]

... in response to Is this a big deal ? (little help ple..., posted by JimmySTLOUIS on Oct 17, 2003

$40 doesn't sound like a big deal to me.

[DallasSteve2]

... in response to Re: Is this a big deal ? (little help..., posted by Miguel on Oct 17, 2003

You're right, $40 is not a big deal.  However, a woman you've never met asking you for any money is a big deal (in my opinion).

Steve