Is this a big deal ???? (little help please)

[JimmySTLOUIS]

Hi

Thanks again to all the sincere people on this board.

I have told my (up to this point) fairy tail story about me and a girl in Peru. If you missed it we have been writing and calling hot and heavy for 5 weeks or so. I am goin to Peru only to see her at thanksgiving time.

Everything is great so far and then a little incident happened. This girl goes to the University in Lima and studies english. She only goes for 2 hours or so and only 4 days a week.
In Wed she tells me the stroty that her fathers car had problems and that they did not have the money to pay for the school. She told me that she was "shame" of asking for the loan. She said loan but lets be real here. THe family lives in San Martin de Porres and they all seem to have cell phones and they have cable because she said they have HBO. I dont even have HBO - ja ja !!!!

So what do you guys think? On one hand its only $40. On the other hand this really seems to throw a monkey wrench into the so far fairy tail "romance". I told her I would think about it and I didnt want to be el gringo banko!

I appreciate any honest help on this one. It has me kinda re-thinking. I do really like this girl and everything is fine.

jim

[lswote]

... in response to Is this a big deal ? (little help ple..., posted by JimmySTLOUIS on Oct 17, 2003

I have seen both sides of the coin, someone asking money for selfish purposes and someone for unselfish reasons.  The first case actually the woman never asked for money and that is what confused me enough that I ended up giving her money because I thought because she didn't ask, it must be legitimate.  Instead of asking, she made her problem such a front and center issue in our relationship that I gave her money just to get it back on track.  She wouldn't stop talking about her tale of woe, about how her cruel roommate was going to throw her and her daughter out on the street and she stopped talking completely about our relationship, and her feelings for me, which days before was all she was talking about. But once I volunteered to give her money, actually once I INSISTED to give her money, the amount grew from $200, to $300, to $400, to $800.  And I gave it to her too, but then after returning home from visiting her the following weekend, I got a Dear John email from her.

On the other hand, my now wife, decided that to get to know each other better she wanted to spend a few days with me away from Bogotá, and wanted to go to Cartagena.  She had shopped around and had a very good price for a four day trip, but I had gotten burnt by the other woman just a month earlier and was pretty gun-shy on parting with even a penny, so the $500 that I sent  her for the trip (because she had to buy the tickets ahead of time at a Bogotá travel agency) was very difficult for me at the time.  But I am glad I did it because on that trip we had a wonderful time together and it cemented us together as a couple and afterwards we got engaged.

The difference was the purpose of the money.  One was for HER and one was for US.

[burbuja2]

... in response to Re: Is this a big deal ? (little help..., posted by lswote on Oct 20, 2003

An excellent point, Sir!

[denvermike]

... in response to Is this a big deal ? (little help ple..., posted by JimmySTLOUIS on Oct 17, 2003

Sorry friend it probably is a con. They always have a really good story of woe to tell and they feel sorry about taking your money all the way to the bank.  They start small and then they start working their way up.

Handing over money is always a bad idea, just ask me, I have done it way too many times myself. It sets a bad precedent for the relationship. It is usually the beginning of the end.  

Tell her no, saying it is not your responsibility to pay for her school. If she is genuine, she will accept it. If not, you have learned a valuable lesson.  

If you decide to make a "test case" of the $40 that is your decision. However, I guarantee you,it will continue to bother you.  

mike

[Calipro]

... in response to Is this a big deal ? (little help ple..., posted by JimmySTLOUIS on Oct 17, 2003

[This message has been edited by Calipro]

Never send money to a girl you have never slept with (and make sure want to sleep with her again before you do send money!)

[Pete E]

... in response to Rule # 1, posted by Calipro on Oct 18, 2003

This is probably inapropriate,but here goes.
Should I really let you guys see this rant?? Maybe you think I am too nice a guy.Maybe you will change your mind.
Will I be sorry tomorrow???We will see.

Right,
That goes way beyond an internet or telephone fantasy.
Let me add one more seemingly obvious recommendation.Never MARRY  a woman you have never slept with.You would think worldly guys like myself would adhere to that for sure.But I didn't .I bought this they are so conservative(mostly true)you have to marry them first.And then find out what the hell you got.Bad Bad idea.If a test run had shown me anything like the real thing no way I would have went for it.You think you are getting a hot Colombiana--,isn't that what everyone says???Ever heard of a frigid  Colombiana Me neither untill I found myself married to one. You could wind up with the most sexually conservative and disinterested woman you have ever known.Would you marry her knowing what you were getting in to? No f--king way
Only  for fools  willing to take  a huge risk with perhaps the most important element of marriage.Don't do it.
Let me recommmend that after spending about 1200 nights staring at the ceiling after being rejected or put off or excused by my wife.Don't even think about taking such a risk.You start to think periods really do last 10 days,The next one is only 10 days off and what else can get in the way? Tiredness?Headache ?Anything.There is no end to excuses for the woman that doesn't want sex. One of the best was I'm asleep when my head hits the pillow.Don't wake me up.Even if I just stayed up watching 4 hours of TV I need my sleep.I take Viagra not because I need it but because it makes sex so much better.$12 a pill.Probably $120 for the times I needed it.Thats 9 forget its to one usually  halfhearted aquieswence.Would you believe an average of about 4 times a month over 4 years?Thats probably high considering its about 4 times this year.
Don't do it!! Do what I say,not what I did or experience what I went through. Your Choice.
Am I still a little pissed?Yes.Even though I still care for her as a person and want to see her do  OK.It was just a huge huge personal mistake and I paid the price big time.
I'm sure she will not like me posting this.It reminds me of a saying Rocky Marciano once said.If you cheat on your roadwork,early one morning when nobody is around,the whole world is going to find out under the bright lights of the ring.I spent many many sleepless frustrated nights.She doesn't like me telling the story? Too f--king bad.The bright lights just came on.Its better than having to live the story like I did.And its the truth,which sometimes,actually all the time,is worth facing.
I put my heart and soul and everything I had in to this marriage.And I get the biggest disapointment of my life.
I should have sent her butt packing from the honeymoon on.
But again,do what I say,not what I did.Why the hell did I do that???thats a long other story.
Don't post after 4 beers unless you are willing to let the truth come out.Reprocussions in the morning could follow.But whats she going to do,cut me off???Can't use that one if you never come across.

Pete

[DallasSteve2]

... in response to Re: Rule # 2 , much more important  than..., posted by Pete E on Oct 19, 2003

Pete

Did you really marry a woman you never "slept with".  Does that mean nothing more than a kiss?

I'm sorry, but a guy would have to be really desperate to do that.  In the US, maybe, but in Colombia?  You can have a buffet of women in Colombia.  Why marry one who doesn't want to get intimate with you?

When I met my ex she told me "No huggy, no kissy until I get a wedding ring".  As desperate as I was, and as beautiful and irresistible as she was to me, I said "Adios".  Then she caved in and accepted my terms.

And even though she didn't love me, she wanted sex at least a couple of times a week while we were married.  And it was "shake the paint off the walls" sex that she often intiated.  She asked me to have sex with her the night before she left me.  Why?  They like sex.

Guys, don't buy that conservative story.  These girls are sleeping with their Colombian boyfriends.  I promise you.  If they don't want to sleep with you, it means something very important: THEY DON'T LOVE YOU.

Steve

[Pete E]

... in response to Rule # 2, posted by DallasSteve2 on Oct 19, 2003

Steve,
Yes,I did.kisses and hugs but nothing more before we got married.There's a story here,why I did that.So I think I will go ahead and tell it.Not here but I'll start it up top.And your right.If they don't love you,which she obviously doesn't,how can sex be any good?But there more to that story too,might be about 3 posts down from the start of the story.

Pete

[JimmySTLOUIS]

... in response to Is this a big deal ? (little help ple..., posted by JimmySTLOUIS on Oct 17, 2003

Hi
Thanks for all the help.

I called down there twice and talked to her about this. I told her that I was concerned etc etc. It takes about 1/2 hour to get across the concept of why I was concerned etc etc. (FYI - I can call Peru for 10 hours for $20)
I told her that if I sent the money that would change the our relationship.

She told me now that she does NOT want me to "loan" the money.

She does not want anything to change with us.

I did ask her if her father knew about her request to me and she said NO.

I think maybe things are very tight and that her father mentioned that they might not have the money for her school. I think she might have just thought that she could help her family by "loaning" the mony from me. Who really knows if all this is true - but who really knows anything about someone else?? I do know that family is 100 times more imprtant to her than most Americans (myself included).

I dont want her expecting the money in the future but I dont mind helping her out with a few bucks. I appreciate all the advice. I know a few of you think I am in too deep too soon. I will have to sort all of this out and more but with a few friends from this forum I will do the best I can.

By the way after she declined the money - I sent it anyway today

el gringo loco que está enamorado
jim

[burbuja2]

... in response to UPDATE - the soap opera continues, posted by JimmySTLOUIS on Oct 18, 2003

No one can know the situation like you do, and it isn't even clear to you right now.  You're right to be suspicious, so just keep on top of it.  Either way, I don't think you can make a wrong decision here.  Just be sure to monitor this closely, as I'm sure you will.

[DallasSteve2]

... in response to UPDATE - the soap opera continues, posted by JimmySTLOUIS on Oct 18, 2003

I was watching the penultima episode of La Cenicienta and at the end of the show the girl asks her "Godmother" if she thinks a man will still love his wife after she grows older and looses her beauty.  The Godmother said "If he stops loving her after she looses her beauty then it wasn't love, it was just attraction."

What does that have to do with you?  You can figure it out.

Steve

[JimmySTLOUIS]

... in response to UPDATE - the soap opera continues, posted by JimmySTLOUIS on Oct 18, 2003

it was Ben Franklin who said:

“You cannot pluck roses without fear of thorns, Nor enjoy a fair wife without danger of horns.”

good stuff!

jim

[Red Clay]

... in response to UPDATE - the soap opera continues, posted by JimmySTLOUIS on Oct 18, 2003

Nothing wrong with going on to meet her, but now are you seeing why we advise you against jumping to conclusions? You REALLY should write to a few more ladies in Lima and try to visit several while you are there. Imagine if you had accepted her offer of having you stay at her house and then they start hitting you up for money daily. VERY uncomfortable, at least.

Heck, surfscum knows a good lady there who is looking, posted above. Maybe check it out. At least allow some time alone during your trip, you will likely see/meet some girls just out in public that you might want to talk to

Good luck and I sincerely hope you have a good trip. It will be an experience, especially if you've never been to SA.

[cancunhound]

... in response to Re: UPDATE - the soap opera continues, posted by Red Clay on Oct 18, 2003

You just never know with the virtual thing, nor by looking at photos IMHO.

CaliGringo.com

[surfscum]

... in response to Might be the same girl?, posted by cancunhound on Oct 18, 2003

Is that your point?