Follow up # 1, the marriage

[Pete E]

Let me update you guys.I sat and talked with my wife today to make sure she understood everything that was going on.Apeares to me we need to ge a divorce because she has admitted and has acted as if she does not love me and does not want to be married to me.She was still a little hesitant and even appeared to maybe be changing her mind a little.But we talked and my understanding is correct,and she admitted we should get a divorce.She is just a little worried or fearfull of the future.
She did tell me how much she appreciates everything I have done for her and her family,and they appreciate it to.She said I am a very good person with a big heart,and that she is also a good person,which I told you guys I believe to be true from the start.We agreed on he terms of the divorce,in basics.I will take care of her.In a way she had already got more than she deserved,but she is here and has her son and needs to be able to get by.Also,the law agrees,they would give her alimony,except as I told you I will not only not be working or making any money here,but also I will be gone,as in leaving the country for latin america.I would do this anyway in my life right now,I am ready for a change.
So  we are feeling good about it and its a whole lot better than when the truth was not being admitted.As I said giving her a $700,000 house,but I owe allmost that much on it,so there is no equity.I could not sell it and get any money out.So she will get to stay somewhere between 8 months and 2 years before they will forclose and kick her out.She will just have to pay the utilities,$500-$1000  month before,but she can probably keep it down to $500.I am giving my hot tub to my son ,costs over $100 a month just to heat that.Also I will give her the Jeep Grand Cherokee she drives.I bought it for her before we got married  so we have always considered it her car, just still in my name.Plus I will give her the furnture.we spent somemoney on it,most new since she came here,but its worth very little used.And I will pay off her credit cards,basically tranferring the balence to mine,which they just might never see.The credit will get screwed anyway.I had to laugh about the house.I told her she could rent the room I use  for my office and it would more than pay the utilities,so she could be here for free.She was talking to her Colombian friends tonight.I guess its about 12 of them in a 3 bedroom house,so I could just picture a house full of them here.Might be interesting for the neighbors.
So I feel good about it.She told me that god sent me to her to help her,and I think that is true.There have been some interesting spiritual things happen.Some time the relationship is till you die,most times its more temporary.
I am excited about moving on and I feel free.
And yes,I still think she is a good person.The worst part of the whole deal was she was feeling trapped in a marriage she did not want to be in a was somewhat resentfull and angry about it.I was also resentfull and angry,think look how much I gave her and how she treats me.But the hell with that old stuff.Its no fun anyway.
The whole thing ws rerally my mistake,rushing in without taking the time to really know her and how she felt about me.I will do a post someday about all the errors I made along the way.Like this is how NOT to do it guys.Do what I say,not what I did.
And it looks like a no fight divorce,so thats a plus.

Pete

[Zorrowins]

... in response to Follow  up  # 1, the marriage, posted by Pete E on Oct 13, 2003

Pete,
I went through an awful divorce after 18 years of marriage and a VERY painful break-up last year with a lady I at one time planned to marry. So in many ways I feel like a loser in the permanet love game-my sister married to the same guy since 1967-my parents married for life. So I think a new beginning is a very good idea. I had my credit absolutely ruined after my divorce. But guess what-It was probably the best thing that ever happened-I have no debt(I've gradually paid off the judgements), I have no credit cards, and I learned to live within my means.Plentiful credit=potential for huge financial mistakes/No credit=potential for small financial mistakes.

Now for some "free" advise. Work on your head as to why you picked the wrong lifetime mate and most importantly how you can do things differently next time! By the way this advise definately applies to me too and I still don't have the answer. So I've relished the posts that address "How to find a good lifetime mate". This issue is what scares the hell out of me about Colombia. I didn't know my last girlfriend was a wack job(mentally) until 6 months into the relationship. What if I had married her during that period??? Then the financial loss would have been substantial! However, knowing I can date MANY nice elegible Colombianas should offset the risk somewhat. IE I can be more choosey!

[Pete E]

... in response to Re: Follow  up  # 1, the marriage, posted by Zorrowins on Oct 15, 2003

Living in Cali I can really take my time.Hell I could turn in to a Colombiano,several girlfriends,marry none of them.

Pete

[Zorrowins]

... in response to Re: Re: Follow  up  # 1, the marriage, posted by Pete E on Oct 15, 2003

It might also be a plus to be a desireable commodity to the local ladies. Her in the States you're just another unattached male. I wonder if I would have taken my loss so hard if I had several young attractive females interested in me. This is part of the Colombian culture I still don't grasp and have never experienced before. But I would like to! I'm a one women guy, but I think living in a culture where your lady knows there is competition can't hurt! So I just bet the women are more loyal in Colombia if they have a good man versus the USA. Don't know though.

[Pete E]

... in response to Exactly Pete!, posted by Zorrowins on Oct 15, 2003

Hell they are even more loyal to a bad man.Having the odds in your favor develops an attitude that I can live without you no problem.Women seem to respond to that better than to a guy that treats them well.And confidence in a man is attractive to a woman.If you are more confident because of your range of chioces they just like you better.There is a subtle psychology in relationships that you want what you can't have and don't want what you can.Being too nice or accomodating they might like on the surface but it undermines your appeal on a deeper level.
Might explain why some women put up with their Colombiano jerks.

Pete

[surfscum]

... in response to Follow  up  # 1, the marriage, posted by Pete E on Oct 13, 2003

Pete, you're a straight-up guy and I respect you for that. I wish you well in your new future.

But:

1. Don't burn your bridges.
2. Don't run from your problems.

[Pete E]

... in response to 2 of life's basic rules, posted by surfscum on Oct 14, 2003

It hit me in the middle of trhe night that about 3 weeks ago that I was actually going to split.I had been thinking about it for months.But laying there thinking,it became totally clear that thats what I was going to do because all of the alternatives were just totally unacceptable.
Read my  post under Davids below to get an idea of what my life would be like if I stayed.I'm just happy I got this pension.And I just got it verified that no one could touch it when I had thiws revelation.
I pity the poor guys that have to stay and pay all the bills plus alimony.One guy I know was sleeping in his van.No thanks,rather have a bachelor pad in Cali with all thr chicas I can handle.
A friend of mine wanted to split with his girlfriend  about 20 years ago.The song 50 ways to leave your lover was out.He said he couldn't slip out the back Jack because it was his houses.I felt the same untill I borrowed more money on it than its worth.Yes,I can just slip out the back JAck.
I am running from my problems,like you would run from an angry bear.There is an  alternative,its just not good.And bridges are never really burned.I could come back,If I had any assets I would just have to keep them in foriegn banks.If I had none I could just do a bankruptcy.And I always have my $40,000 plus 3% a year pension,plus  $12,000 plus social security,depending on when I take it.
Guys I have thought about this for 8 months.Nobody has come up with someything I haven 't considered.And there is alot more to it I think it wise not to elaborate on.
When the going gets tough the smart split.

Pete

[DallasSteve2]

... in response to 2 of life's basic rules, posted by surfscum on Oct 14, 2003

1 - Don't sweat the small stuff.
2 - It's all small stuff.

Steve

[cassius]

... in response to Follow  up  # 1, the marriage, posted by Pete E on Oct 13, 2003

Pete:

Perhaps your case is a good example of why many women stay in a marriage for their particular convenience. Financially the timing may not be exactly right for her, but you do want a divorce.

She was changing her mind about divorce after she admitted not being able to care about you as a wife should?

No affection or contact for months and years when all the while you were doing your best for her. Both of you know the type of startegic game she has been playing for the sake of financial security and stability.

Yet she was seriously considering keeping the marriage going? Didn't she admit that there was little chance in the future that her icy feelings would not change?

So what does she want from you? To be the nice guy who keeps giving and giving whilst her disdain builds and builds?

However, to be realistic, it seems her choices have been difficult. Considering the life cards she was dealt in Colombia. Probably more than anyone here can imagine.

Well, I really hope that you will pause for a while and listen to guys here who are advising you about your credit!!! Now a day, I think it is fair to say that credit is just as useful and crucial as a full-time job.

It is unfortunate when a marriage and divorce hits your credit hard, but something else when you avoid some financial solutions that may help you later rebuild your life. A lot of the equity you spent was during the marriage, correct? So shouldn't everyone share the burden fairly?

Maybe you want to give her the house so to avoid a difficult court case. Perhaps you can sell the house and also make living arrangements that both of you can handle?

I guess what you have been saying is that there is already a sea of debt anyway and that the emotional grip of the divorce will make it hard to stay (i.e. work) and carry the load of a long term financial strategy - right?

Hang in there, man.

How to avoid life's traps and games!....we are all just human.

Best Wishes!!!!

[Pete E]

... in response to save your credit!, posted by cassius on Oct 14, 2003

I will do some posts sometime in the future,perhaps after I have left telling the story and why I did what I did.It seems pretty stupid in hindsight.But basically it went on for about 3 years she did not admit the lack of feelings for me.Even said she loved me.Even convinced our counsoler of it.But I never really believed it because it didn't feel like it. Someone said if you wonder if someone loves you they do not.But we had a series of temporary fixes.She would come around and I guess try to be loving,but it never lasted.When she finally admitted it to the counsoler I thought at last we get the truth.Did she just try to keep it together untill after the permanent residency?I think so.Finally she felt free to tell the truth.
Another thing about posting my story.In hindsight I wished I had posted much more much earlier.You guys would have kicked my butt with what the hell are you doing?Its easier to be in denial when you are not getting imput.

Pete

[lswote]

... in response to Follow  up  # 1, the marriage, posted by Pete E on Oct 13, 2003

I understand your reasoning on the house: let it go into foreclosure and your wife has a place to stay rent-free until the house is reclaimed by the bank so that she isn't thrust out into the world immediately.  I have to say Pete, SO WHAT?  This woman has taken advantage of your generosity and now you are going to throw away your credit rating which you say is golden, for six months to two years of comfort for your wife.  It is one thing to do the right thing, it is another to be walked all over.  I don't see how this woman warrants you messing up your credit.  You know how long it takes to straighten out screwed up credit and while you think you might not need good credit anymore, it is an option you definitely want to leave open.  What if you hate being an ex-pat and want to come back to the US?  You will be stuck renting instead of buying because of your credit decision now.

[Pete E]

... in response to Re: Follow  up  # 1, the marriage, posted by lswote on Oct 14, 2003

Bruce,
See post under Davids post below.

Pete

[DavidMN]

... in response to Follow  up  # 1, the marriage, posted by Pete E on Oct 13, 2003

Hi Pete,

This is more or less rhetorical, I understand you may not want to answer...

Why would you willingly let your credit rating go to pot? If you live to 100 or get tired of Latin America, maybe you'll want to come back to the U.S. and you'll need that credit rating for yourself, maybe to help an unfortunate family member, even to get a decent credit card for incidental expenses. Who knows what the future might bring...

And if your wife is 35 or 40 years old and the house is in her name, then she and her son are screwed for the next ten years as well. I know financial companies will lend to people just out of bankruptcy or with terrible credit, but the rates can be quite steep. Maybe that "lousy credit" spread is manageable today with interest rates at multi-generation lows, but someday mortgages will be 7-10% again...I'd hate to be the one paying 12-18%.

David

[Pete E]

... in response to Re: Follow up (the house), posted by DavidMN on Oct 14, 2003

David,
I had to do a bankruptcy 11 years ago.I've been through the bad credit building it up to excellent again.As far as credit dards you can still Have ATM credit cards of cash deposit ones.I got offered a cash deposit one 6 months after the bakruptcy.The credit line was 2.5 times the deposit.
But back to why.Well,first there is the little matter of a $5620 house payment.Unless I stay here and work there is no way that will get paid.And I won't stay here if we get divorced.I get $3350 a month from my pension,which is protected and cannot be touched.I can live on that fine in Latin america.Plus about $1000 a month social security in 17 months,if I take it early.
But no way I can keep up the house payment without staying here and working.And its tough even doing that.We spend $9000 a month and my real estate income is way off last year,my head just isn't in to it.I basically spent everything I made plus $325,000 I took out of my house in the last 3 years,so I have been headed downhill for awhile.
About $55,000 of that was stock market losses,the rest we just spent.And thee wrere taxes of course.
Even if I make $200,000 here,which I never quite got to and way off of right now,I net $120,000.I can live better in Latin america with the $40,000 I get now,which will be up to $55,000 in 17 months.The  pension has a 3% cost of living adjustment per year plus includes super medical and dental.
No f- - king way I am going to stay here when we split and -pay everything I now pay plus alimony,while watching her go out with other guys while my options for the kid of woman I can have in Cali are zero.
I am really ready to move on.I should have done it sooner,it would have been much cleaner,but I did what I did,can't turn back the clock.But I can start living a better life real soon.

Pete

[CaliAdvisor]

... in response to Re: Follow up (the house), posted by DavidMN on Oct 14, 2003

I agree with you. Pete I think you should sell the house for yourself and try to pay off the loans rather than let it go into forclosure. If you have a house, that you can sell to settle your loans why would you just give it a away?