Maybe I was terribly wrong

[surfscum]

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Pete, I am so sorry to hear about what is happening in your life. My email is listed and please contact me if you need someone local to listen and help in this time. If there is anything I can do, please let me know.

From my own divorce, I make the following observations: her son will always choose her side.  It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or can't discern right from wrong, it just means he can't accept the idea that he can be loyal to his mother while also being in a relationship with you. Two, keep him out of what is going on between you two. It sounds like, from your earlier posts, that you have a good relationship with him. Be up front with him by telling him that you and his mother have problems, but they don't have to do with him and that he always has a place in your life.

Finally, I'm going to swim against the current of opinion and state that if it is possible to save the marriage, it is worth doing so. When my marriage fell apart(and I had a stepdaughter who couldn't resolve the loyalty issue and walked out of my life) I got out of the house and, fueled by passion, I resolved that I wouldn't go back. But now that 3 years have passed I see it could have been saved. It would have taken a huge amount of work and I'm not sure she would have done it, but it would have saved me from a great personal crisis that will always be with me.

Since that time, I have read a lot about marriage and divorce and many people report that some time after the split their feelings changed to where they would have been able to continue working on the marriage. We don't hear about those stats because they go against the pop culture and its ideas of disposable marriage. Even on this board you're getting the advice that it's so much easier to just bag it, walk away and start over with some new sweetie in SA. Of course, there is any number of women down there who would get involved with you, but I think that is the wrong focus. Marriage is the most intimate of human relations and you just can't walk away from it thinking you'll be the same.

All I'm saying is do the right thing now: get good objective, trusted and professional counsel and see if there might be some way to save the marriage. From my reading, those few who do weather the crisis have a deeper, fuller relationship. Granted, if she never really had sincere feelings for you, then there isn't anything to build on.

Dan

[Pete E]

... in response to Re: Maybe I was terribly wrong LONG, posted by surfscum on Sep 30, 2003

Dan,
Unfortunately your last sentence sums it up.No desire on her part to have a real marriage,although she does like the benefits.
I have good relationship with my 12 1/2 yeasr old step son.I told him I know you will be loyal to your mother.I just want to tell you whats happening.Of course he will ultimately side with her.She's his mother.But he is a real thoughtfull good kid.I think he sees whats going on.I told him regardless of what happens with your mother you can always look to me, I will be there for you.Mostly because of him I want to leave them in a OK situation.She doesn't deserve it.He does.

Pete

[surfscum]

... in response to Re: Re: Maybe I was terribly wrong LONG, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

I wonder, has she ever been honest about her feelings and motives with you? You must be asking the same kinds of questions. Anyway, give me a call if you want. I'm around.

Dan

[Pete E]

... in response to Sorry to hear that., posted by surfscum on Sep 30, 2003

Dan,
Has she ever been honest about her feelings?No.She would never give me any imformation,but I knew things were not right.If someone is not willing to tell you the truth the truth is probably not good.I could only presume,but I'm starting to see how really dishonest the whole thing is.I knew it was dishonest.I just didn't realise the extent.
What can I say? I want to believe the best about people.But boy are my eyes opening up.The vision has been a little foggy with denial for almost 4 years.
But kind of like hanging an innocent man,I would rather  err on the possitive side.I give people the benefit of the doubt untill they show me otherwise,and I am real slow to admit the otherwise.Yes I have been a fool.In a way I would rather do that than be unfairly judgemental.Not smart,but its easier for me to live with.

Pete

[John O]

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Pete, though we've never met in person, I've always admired you as a wise and helpful friend. My heart is breaking for you right now. There are few things more painful than to be on the wrong end of a one-sided relationship.

All marriages have problems, of course, even crises. Has your wife made much effort to make the relationship work? From what you've told, it doesn't seem like she has. That's sad. It would be even sadder to find out she never really had any serious feelings for you to begin with, or that she entered a marriage while holding serious (and secret) doubts about her feelings.

It would be difficult for me to support a friend who engaged in such deceptive behavior. (You ladies know who you are...)

Pete, I want to thank you for having the courage and honesty to tell your story. Just know that sharing your experience, though painful, can help dumb schlubs like us to learn and grow from it.

I'm not much for giving advice, but I guess I'll join the frenzy. Whatever happens, just remember them four wise words... "This too, shall pass."

[panol11]

... in response to Support for a Friend, posted by John O on Sep 30, 2003

Pete,

Your story shocked me. I have met you once (at a party in your house) but I have seen your posts many times. Honestly I always admired your posts most of all posts on this board. You are definitely wise man and a good man. Something which is (unfortunately) rare in this world. The fact that you are so good resulted probably that you were taken adventage off this way or the other (it is not me to judge).
I am really really moved by your story. It is not about my dreams, plans, hopes about chicas. But it is about why these things happen to these best guys.
Just want to tell you - you ve got one of the most important things - you ve got respect of many individuals on this board...I know that loosing trust in somebody in whom you invest your life is a terrible thing. I guess you just need to go on.

[Pete E]

... in response to Re: Support for a Friend, posted by panol11 on Oct 1, 2003

Thanks,
I am deeply moved by the support I have recieved today.

Pete

[Pete E]

... in response to Support for a Friend, posted by John O on Sep 30, 2003

John,
Thanks,
I'm holding up pretty well right now.My heart is not breaking.That happened along time ago.But it took this long to admit the truth I knew all along.I was so swayed by what some people told me and what my wife told me,even though it was obviously not true that I just went along with it.Now I'm hearing other stories that people hesitated to tell me.I knew it was bad but it was worse than that.So old wise Pete is really a fool in this one.I didn't go with my gut feeling.This is no surprise.Its good to get this thing off the dime.

Pete

[Ralph]

... in response to Re: Support for a Friend, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

You can ask a latina all the questions you want, but you need to look at how she treats you and others around her. With a latina, if you need to ask or question if she loves you. . . . . . . .she doesn't.

[Pete E]

... in response to Actions not words, posted by Ralph on Oct 1, 2003

Ralph,
Agreed.I knew that.So why did I put up with it?Well you put up with it till you stop putting up with it,thats all.Its like beating yourself over the head with a board,it feels good when you quit.

Pete

Pete

[wizard]

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

[This message has been edited by wizard]

Pete:

Sorry that you are having to go through this... I really cannot add any more advice than has already been said by the other members...

Personally, I think you have the right idea about moving south... If you are financially able to do so, I think it's a good choice... Lower cost of living, more relaxed life style and more time to select the correct woman... One who values you for you and not for what you can offer them  financially...

Sometimes people can become complacent in their lives, holding onto a false sense of security that is fleeting at best... Every now and then you just have to turn your life upside down and shake it real hard... Cast off all the crap and start over... Sounds like this is your mindset...

Reminds me of the old Paul Simon song, Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover...
The problem is all inside your head, she said to me.
The answer is easy if you take it logically.
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover.

The bottom line is to just get yourself free...

Mark

[Pete E]

... in response to You weren't wrong..., posted by wizard on Sep 30, 2003

Mark,
Funny you should mention that song.When it came out one of my friends was wanting to get rid of this woman who was living with him.He said the problem was he couldn't just "slip out the back Jack" because it was his house.
But if you owe more than its worth you can,although the credit can take a big hit.
I was very happy to find out that the only people who might possibly be able to touch my pension is the IRS,and I will pay them.The pension is  $40,000 a year,includes great medical and has a 3% adjustment up every year.I age myself,but I can get social security in a year and a half if I want to take it early,thats like $900 a month more,or $1300 in 5 1/2 years.
I better go find another woman before I get any older.Actually just knowing my age is the biggest problem.I don't look anything like it.I will post a picture one of these days.People  will be surprised.

Pete

[Wasp]

... in response to Re: You weren't wrong..., posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Hang in there Pete. There's going to be good times for you again.

[Fuzzyone]

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Pete
 Believe me you are not the only one I have gone through hell for the
last 2 1/2 years. It is finally coming to a end for me. I had my wife tell
me she never really loved me and that her problem was she was always
trying to find something better. Life sucks sometimes but if I can make it
you can to!

[Onephd]

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Sorry to hear, keep your head up.