Newbie Question-Perhaps Naive

[Zorrowins]

Hi!
I'm new to the board, but have been montoring it for months. Now for my very elementary question. Why would a lady leave her home,family,people who speaks her language virtually a lifetime of relationships to move to the USA with a man much older than her that she barely knows? I live and work in the cold Northeast. I live in a nice but modest home and drive an older car. I'm a little perplexed on the LA women motivation. Please help me understand.
Thanks!

[Miguel]

... in response to Newbie Question-Perhaps Naive, posted by Zorrowins on Oct 3, 2003

No text

[DallasSteve2]

... in response to Newbie Question-Perhaps Naive, posted by Zorrowins on Oct 3, 2003

You stirred up a hornets nest.  Have you learned anything?

Steve

[JR n Atl]

... in response to Newbie Question-Perhaps Naive, posted by Zorrowins on Oct 3, 2003

Zorro,

The scenario you've outlined is one which we all should avoid. You've framed the question as sort of a worst case so I don't know that there is a good answer other than one many of us might not want to hear. Look at it from the other side (which IMHO is the only way to think about this): why on earth would a guy travel to another country, become involved with a woman (girl) too many years his junior, speak little or none of her language, invest too little time in learning who this person really is and ignore all kinds of red flags because she's young and gorgeous or "it just feels right"? I think that we spend entirely too much time here analyzing the woman's motivations (over which we have ZERO control) and too little time analyzing and improving our abilities (over which we have COMPLETE control) to recognize good character and to choose someone based on criteria that are much more important in the long run than looks and hots. BTW, I am NOT saying that we ought not be aware of nor try to zoom in on her motivations. I'm only saying that it seems to me that too much time is spent focusing on this one aspect to the exclusion of other things that are just as, if not more, important.

Two recent episodes here attest to this. Both Craig and Pete have told us that the warnings were there and to their credit both admitted that they chose to ignore them and that they simply didn't make good choices initially. I've followed the board going on four years now and this story has been repeated several times. Just search the archives, the men usually own up to the fact that their judgement was clouded and typically they don't blame the woman.

If you want to radically improve your chances for success in this endeavor, improve the things that you can control. Your ability to recognize those attributes that make for good character and to not allow your judgement to become clouded. And be realistic about what to expect. We cannot control a single thing about these, or any, women. We CAN control a great deal of things about ourselves.

As for the motivation of LW, I can only add that in Colombia (I have NO experience elsewhere and haven't a clue as to why a very young woman would do this) a woman's prospects for marriage or re-marriage are VERY slim as she approaches her mid-thirties. Even slimmer if she has a child or two. Most of them (women thirty-ish and beyond)want nothing more than a loving, happy relationship with a man and couldn't give a whit about where he's from. And the one's in their thirties w/o kids usually want them BAD. We like them because for the most part, they are more attractive than many caucasion or black women in the US and they like us because we represent another possibility for a family, and yes, a better lifestyle than they might find in Colombia. Although I'm not buying that entirely because many of the women I met during my first visit were living pretty darn good lifestyles. These were all professional (doctors, dentists, etc.) women who would have been sacrificing a great deal to come here. But they wanted children and a family more than a career (this is one thing about Colombian culture that is unquestionably different from ours, family is paramount) and that combined with the dim prospects in Colombia for marriage was the driving force in their looking here.

Fire away.

JR

[Starman]

... in response to Re: Newbie Question-Perhaps Naive, posted by JR n Atl on Oct 4, 2003

"I think that we spend entirely too much time here analyzing the woman's motivations (over which we have ZERO control) and too little time analyzing and improving our abilities (over which we have COMPLETE control) to recognize good character and to choose someone based on criteria that are much more important in the long run than looks and hots. "

This pretty much sums up my beliefs in a nutshell. It's up to you to choose wisely.

As far as whatthe motivations of these women are, its up to you to determine this on a case by case basis. But generally, based on my experience (what many women have told me, friends, family of my fiancee), is that they are looking for a decent man, who is faithful, hard working, respects women and loves them. Looks are also important...but remember, the typical latinos in many of the countries are not very attractive (according to those women I've spoken with) and we are also exotic (light skin, blue eyes, blond hair, etc.) Again, the key is to be the best person you can be, head screwed on right, life in order and this will help you choose wisely. Also, take your time...many of the failed relationships are because of a rushing.

Tim.

[wizard]

... in response to Re: Newbie Question-Perhaps Naive, posted by JR n Atl on Oct 4, 2003

[JSlo]

... in response to Re: Newbie Question-Perhaps Naive, posted by JR n Atl on Oct 4, 2003

I agree that family is paramount, I've yet to be involved with a Colombiana that didn't want me to meet her family. My most recent experience was with a woman 28 years old who was feeling pressure from her family because she had not married and had no children. I elected not to be the answer to her perceived problem, but nevertheless, family is king. I just love it!
JSlo

[littlebhuddha]

... in response to Re: Newbie Question-Perhaps Naive, posted by JR n Atl on Oct 4, 2003

[Jeff S]

... in response to Newbie Question-Perhaps Naive, posted by Zorrowins on Oct 3, 2003

I think that true green card whores are extremely rare. Think about it, a women who could fake love and great sex for you over a period of about three years til she's a non-conditional permanent resident, then bail takes an acting ability Robert DeNoiro would be proud of.

Here's the big BUT: The fantasy, that a rich American man could travel clear across the world, to their little puebla and pick them out of the crowd, coupled with their perception of what life is like in the US from TV and movies, and you have the makings of a very strong fantasy. Unfortunately when they get here, they find out what life is really like, digging out of the snow, paying bills, doing yard work, ironing shirts, and suddenly the fantasy is shattered, and feelings of isolation and lonliness come crashing in. My wife went through it - even though she had a car and we live in one of the nicest areas of Southern California. She got through the worst of it, though.

As Patrick implied, you reveal much about yourself when you mentioned "a much older man."  Just curious, what's the appeal of a "much younger" women? No I'm not an idiot, aside from the hard body? Can you relate to a 25 year old? Are you interested in doing the same things, going the same places, dreaming the same dreams? If not, you'd be a moron to marry her, unless, like one poster said here, you know it's just temporary and are planing to get laid as much as possible before she bails. That sounds like something I'd have said when I was 18 - but now at 50, my wants and needs are altogether different.

Women all over the world want the same thing, safety, security, companionship, love, and a closeness to one person that can only be achieved with true, long range trust and comittment. Marriage is a continual work in progress. No one knows each other when they're first married, not even childhood sweethearts, it takes time and work to develop into a real relationship.

The BIG difference between women in LA or Asia, as opposed to to the US or Western Europe, is that they recognize that they're women - different from men. They don't want to be men, act like men, nor have any adversarial relationships with men. They recognize that men and women are different and non-interchangeable - that men and women compliment each other, not compete with each other, something any AW and European women have forgotten. But most of all they let men be men, and don't try to nag them into being their own vision of an emasculated pretty boy.

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

- Jeff

[Starman]

... in response to Let me pipe in here,, posted by Jeff S on Oct 4, 2003

But you're not!!!

Tim.

[moam]

... in response to Let me pipe in here,, posted by Jeff S on Oct 4, 2003

BRAVO!BRAVO! Well said JR and Jeff!

[zack]

... in response to Let me pipe in here,, posted by Jeff S on Oct 4, 2003

Latin American women seem to enjoy being women. They don't have the women's lib attitudes that American women have. They want to compliment men rather than compete with them. This is a long-lost quality in American women.

Zack

[zack]

... in response to Newbie Question-Perhaps Naive, posted by Zorrowins on Oct 3, 2003

These women are so fed up with the Colombian machistas and their multiple girlfriends that they are willing to sacrifice everything and move to another country just to marry a good man. My novia's dad has fathered five children, all from different women during his marriage, and his wife is still with him. She can't just leave and expect to find another man considering her situation. Extra-marrital affairs are more accepted in Colombia and many women end up trapped in an unhappy marriage.

Some Colombian women refuse to tolerate this and that is one reason why they are willing to leave everything to be with a faithful man. Obviously the American lifestyle is an important factor also.

Zack

[Ralph]

... in response to Re: Newbie Question-Perhaps Naive, posted by zack on Oct 4, 2003

On the one hand we have latinas tired of dealing with machista latinos that think it is fine to have 5 kids with different women while married. OTOH, we have "pros" telling us we should be more like Colombian men? Pretty silly. The last people I want to emulate are these guys.

So the two main reasons we hear for latinas wanting a gringo are:

1- the fact that we are more likely to be better, more faithful husbands.

2-we have the means to provide better, and provide more material things, plus a better future.

3- would be  residency, but we usually downplay that one

So CaliPro suggests we stop being the men the latinas think we are. We should be more like Colombians. Not marry women that already have kids etc.

That will leave us with materialistic greencard sharks. yep, that is a great strategy.

[Calipro]

... in response to catch 22, posted by Ralph on Oct 7, 2003

Ralph

I was suggesting that if american men in general were not so open to the idea of marrying somebody else's ex-wife with children things would go alot better for guys here in the states (with american women).

Colombian women in Colombia are already well under control. It isn't until some guys bring their wives here that problems can arise.