Women with kids

[Pete E]

There is a debate going on on the latin women list about women with kids.I thought I would post my thought here and there.
Its a rare Colombiana that does not have kids and doesn't want any.My experience was ALL the younger women without kids wanted to have kids.So do you want to have babies or would you rather have a woman with a child or 2 already that is content to not have more children?
This seemed like that was my only 2 choices when I went to Cali 4 years ago.Perhaps in Bogota you might find older proffesional women who don't want kids,but its probably rare even there.
My choice of the 2 was a woman with an 8 year old son.I was mid 50's,I didn't want to start over with babies.
My step son is now 12 1/2 and a great kid.We had some problems at first because he was so spoiled by momma and grandma,but he is rarely a problem and usually a joy now.
Are women with kids less picky in the guy they will accept?Probably,in general,because they will have so few choices.Does that mean they are easier to get along with?This varies woman to woman regardless of circumstance I think.
If you are willing to accept kids you will be a hot item with women who have them.But beware the situation where you make a woman an offer that is too good to resist even if she doesn't love you.The presumed love could turn to indifference and then even contempt.
The first thing,above all else,is to make damm  sure they care about you and find you appealing.If you don't have that you just have an arrangement.And the value of what you have to give diminishes after it is given,and when she becomes a US resident.You could find yourself in the situation of haven given her a great deal for several years,then be on the hook to give her more even if you split,thanks to the very screwed up US family laws.
Take AS MUCH TIME as needed to find out if she cares about you.I know its tough with long distance relationships,but a shortcut could cause you much misery.

Pete

[Jersey Mike]

... in response to Women with kids, posted by Pete E on Sep 13, 2003

Good points, Pete.
I personally just ended my marriage with my ex who had a small boy (with special medical needs) who I loved dearly, and when the woman has kids it definately places extra pressures on the marriage.  And let's face it, there are already enough hurdles to overcome.  

I agree that having children makes a woman grow up FAST.  But many women seek relationships that are based on the man's ability & willingness to accept the responsiblities (primarily financial) of another's child, and these relationships don't seem to have long-term staying power.  At least, that was true in my case.

I really love kids, and don't have any of my own.  But I have dated a few different women with kids in the past, and found that they put their children too far in front of the relationship/marriage, priority wise.  I also think that some women would favor their own children over the man's kids, if he already had children from a previous marriage.

I'm planning to travel to Colombia this December and to Brazil later in the winter.  I am not going to entirely rule out ladies with kids, but would prefer if they did not.

[Jeff S]

... in response to Re: Women with kids, posted by Jersey Mike on Sep 15, 2003

In many cases, women with a past marriage and kids come to realize that maybe hard working, good hearted men are far more attractive than bad boy types that young, single girls seem to always be attracted to. Young, single girls all seem to have a Prince Charming fantasy, where the shinking prince rides in on his trusty steed and they live happily ever after in marital bliss. Those who have been through the wringer a time or two tend to become far more relaistic in their thinking. No, I don't believe they lower their standards, they just make them more realistic. Just my limited experience here.

- Jeff

[Jersey Mike]

... in response to Some good points ... but., posted by Jeff S on Sep 15, 2003

I would agree with you in theory, but my own personal experience was different.  The very same qualities that make a woman an excellent mother may cause her to be less than totally honest with a man about her feelings towards him because she is trying to make a better life for her baby.  

Perhaps she meets a man who she knows is good and decent and would make a good father and provider, but she doesn't truly love him.  She is willing to make the "sacrifice" of marrying him for her child, and I'm sure nobody wants that to be the case.  Instead of love and gratitude to the man for making her and her child's lives better, he ends up with resentment from her for her dependence upon him.  Trust me - this can happen.

[Ralph]

... in response to Re: Some good points ... but., posted by Jersey Mike on Sep 16, 2003

I have seen this happen as well.I am not a big fan of "comfortable" relationships. I'd rather have 10 long term relationships that are passionate and full of love than to be in a marriage of "convenience" and "comfort".

I have also seen where the relationship doesn't get taken over with resentment. The woman is apreciative, and respects what the man has done for her, but doesn't "really"love him.

My number one criteria I look for in a woman, is she needs to be "head over heels" for me. If you need to think about it or ask others, chances are she isn't.

[DOMINGUIN]

... in response to Very good points, posted by Ralph on Sep 16, 2003


Ralph:

Thanks for posting the pics of you and your lady. Based on your appearance, I'm going to guess that you are somewhere between 47 and 55. If I'm way off, I apologize in advance.  And you say you would rather have 10 long term relationships filled with passion and love then one "comfortable (I'm reading mediocre and sexually boring) relationship."  I guess my questions are: What's your definition of a long term relationship (long term implies some kind of time measurement) and how much passion are you going to have when you are 80 or 85, or do you figure Number 10 will be in your life then?    Now, medical science may progress and there will be something we old farts can pop that will make Viagra be like "Junior Mints", but just supposing there isn't....

Dominguin

[Pete E]

... in response to Re: Very good points, posted by DOMINGUIN on Sep 16, 2003

Its super.If you haven't tried it you don't know what your missing.You don't have to need it for it to improve things tremendously.Makes the O's  about 3 times stronger.Not even when I was 25 was it this good.
I didn't take it because I had a problem.I met a guy,in Cali actually that told me all about it.So I had to try it.He was right.It can give you kind of blurred blue vision and a nose sniffle. The biggest problem is cost($13)but there are some generics out there now,Filagra I think its called.You might get it for $1.00.I need to follow up.
Also,saw a funny story.The brothels of Nevada are doing alot more business with old guys since vitamin V.

Pete

[Ralph]

... in response to Some good points ... but., posted by Jeff S on Sep 15, 2003

In my case, I got to know my Novia for a few weeks before meeting her son. I was sure of how she felt about me before meeting the son.

She has seen drastic improvement in her son's attitude and behavior since I have been around. She also sees that I treat him as if he were my own. If we have children in the future together, they will not get treated any better etc.

The poster on LWL, was basically calling me a loser, for "settling" for a woman with kids. The guy is an idiot. I said I dated plenty of women without kids, and his reply is that I was lying because if that was true, why would I "settle" for one with kids! Uhm m m  m m.....maybe because I love her? Maybe because I like kids? Maybe because this kid loves me to death?

He also has stated that he wants a latina with NO kids and that does NOT want any in the future. That is VERY hard to find in LA. No matter what a woman tells you when she is 23 or 25, when she hits 30-35 she WILL want kids.

[littlebhuddha]

... in response to Women with kids, posted by Pete E on Sep 13, 2003

I think the most important thing to remember about marrying a woman with children is that you are marrying not just her but her children also. In this situation it is just as important to consider the children when making a choice. They are going to have almost as profound an influence on your life as your new wife. I have dated a lot of women that as soon as I met their kids I hit the road and never looked back. I have also dated women that had children that I would have been proud to have called my own. There is no question that marrying a lady with kids is going to present a lot of obstacles including a financial burden. Pete makes a good point about making sure the lady is into you for who you are instead of what you can provide for her children. She better understand that the family revolves around husband and wife and not the children. A well adjusted family begins with the relationship between mom and dad and flows out from there. I think that spending time with your new "family" before the wedding takes on even more importance. But the rewards of choosing the family wisely are tremendous. Especially to someone who cherishes family as much as I do.

[NW Jim]

... in response to Women with kids, posted by Pete E on Sep 13, 2003

Pete, I think it's about personal choice, afterall isn't that part of the MOB idea-- to expand your choices age wise, culturally, and geographically.

Why the poster JJ (on LWL) is trying to paint men who choose women with children as losers is beyond me. As you state many middle aged guys have already done the bringing up baby thing and don't want to repeat it.

Personally, I think along similar lines as Keith, but this whole endeavor is about choice. I say respect others choices, know what you want, choose and be chosen by a lady whose expectations you can meet.  

Viva choice!

[Keith Smith]

... in response to Women with kids, posted by Pete E on Sep 13, 2003

Hi Pete. During the past few years, I've often said that I  would prefer a woman who didn't have children. Why? Well. most of the ladies that I met who had children had this nasty habit of asking me for money. Don't get me wrong; I adore children (working for Child Support for 13 years did that to me). My belief was that I should not be responsible for a child (or children) that belong(s) to another man. In particular, if the lady involved is working. Personally, I still prefer a woman without kids. But if I am involved with a woman with a child, I hope it's just ONE child. And a very young (months old baby to 2 years) one, at best. Just my opinion. Later.

[littlebhuddha]

... in response to Women with kids, posted by Pete E on Sep 13, 2003

I love this post. I have always thought that a woman with one or two children would be perfect for me. Most of the ladies I picked from LE have children. It is a pretty good bet that if a lady has a child she understands a lot more about compromise and sacrifice. She also knows what it means to accept responsibility. I think younger women without children are a huge risk especially for men over thirty-five. I am also skeptical of older single women without children. What have been and will be their priorities? I love having children around and would love to have more. But I don't think it would be fair to bring a child into the world at my age. So a lady in her mid thirties to early forties with one or two children sounds almost perfect. As for taking my time, yes I would like to meet the woman of my dreams on this trip but I have to consider the odds. Its not likely. So this will probably only be the first step of my quest. Even if I meet the right one this time I want to know that the relationship has lasting power. That will require a material amount of time. Great post, Pete. Thanks

[burbuja2]

... in response to Re: Women with kids, posted by littlebhuddha on Sep 13, 2003

Why would you be skeptical of an older woman w/o children?  If the woman was never married, wouldn't that indicate to you some upstairs molecular activity?

[DOMINGUIN]

... in response to Re: Women with kids, posted by littlebhuddha on Sep 13, 2003

Personally, i don't think having children has any correlation with responsibility or maturity, but ideally it should teach those attributes.  I'm 50, have a 20 year old son in college and all things considered, he really never gave us any serious trouble, so I have very good feelings of being a father and wouldn;t mind being a father again.

But and its a huge but, taking on kids means an addiitonal financial burden for many years.  I think there is a quantam leap in the financial burden between supporting 1 or 2 kids, depending on gender and age spread.  I did some very detailed financial analysis before I left and concluded that I could give a mother and one kid a very decent life, but not two. And money or the lack of it does impact relationships, if a man isn't honest with himself about his capability to support a family, I think it will damage the marriage and the trust of the Latina.  

Just as important as the relationship you develop with a Latina is the realtionship she has with her child or children.  what are the family dynamics?  Also what is the role of the ex husband father in the woman's life and her child(ren's) life?  If you date women with children and the relationship proresses to serious conversation, ask the questions, they may be among the most important questions you ask.  I became involved with a beautiful divorcee in Cartagena with a sweet character but also with a very strong willed 18 year daughter who controls her mother.  And although I'll spend a week in early October in Cartagena to see this woman again, I'm not optimistic about the future of the relationship.

Good luck
Dominguin    

[JSlo]

... in response to Re: Re: Women with kids, posted by DOMINGUIN on Sep 13, 2003

Good post! I have experience on the following fronts. I was involved with a woman that had a controlling 20 year old and another that had a 3 year that controlled things. To cut to the chase, in both cases the relationship was very difficult and provided some of the most painful experiences in my life. I couldn't get use to the fact that I had to deal with a third party every time and many times having to explain why I felt the way I did. I do have children from a previous marriage and am extremely please with their outcome. I share your thoughts on being a father again. Would I go for a woman with a child, with out a doubt. Is that my top priority? No, but it isn't a deal breaker either. I have an ongoing relationship with 3 latinas, 1 has a child. She is certainly in the running for being 'the one.' Two or three more trips down to Colombia and I will make a decision. I will be returning again in October, spending time with the woman that has the child is at the top of my priority list. Bottom line it is all about choice. For me it doesn't matter either way as I truly love children. If you don't care for children more power to you. Live and let live. But if one thinks they are better off or men are losers solely because they choose a woman with children, it only shows intolerance which is a close kin to being narrowminded. For such insanity, I have no time!
JSlo