She is asking me for money now

[elcolombiano]

My fiancee is now asking me to help pay for her utility bills in her home. She lives with 3 other adult siblings and her parents. The parents are 50 years old. No one in the houshold holds a full time job exept for my fiance. I don't mind paying for any expenses we inccur while we are together or for gifts or for expences related to coming to the USA or preparing to come to the USA. But why do I have to pay for part of her utilites. She said her sister who does not work ran up a large phone bill and if I don't pay, the phone will be disconected. If I want to pay for a girl freind I can alway find a prostitute, what's the difference?

[NW Jim]

... in response to She is asking me for money now, posted by elcolombiano on Aug 22, 2003

El C before pulling the plug, maybe this is a good time for a long talk about money and expectations. Remember from her perspective, part of the attraction may be that gringos are "rich" even if you aren't waving money and pictures around. How else could you afford international travel?

As many posters below indicate, some support for the family is expected in most cases. In this case it sounds like your lady is the only steady breadwinner in the family, which is really going to create pressure should you bring her to the U.S.

As was pointed out several weeks ago, jobs are hard to come by down there unless you've got connections.

[littlebhuddha]

... in response to She is asking me for money now, posted by elcolombiano on Aug 22, 2003

First,I asked some of my Colombian friends about sending money back to Colombia. It was unanimous. Every one of them are sending money back to their families even the ones that come from affluent families. It is expected of them. The family ties are much stronger and the success of the family is the responsibility of all members. My ex-novia sent about half her paycheck to her mother every week even though they were doing pretty well.
Secondly and somewhat less altruistic, someone made a point on this board a while back about sending money to the family being a good way to keep a wife from leaving her husband. Imagine the condemnation the family would heap on a daughter that wanted to leave the family's meal ticket.

[Pete E]

... in response to She is asking me for money now, posted by elcolombiano on Aug 22, 2003

I found a little book in the bargain bin at a bookstore yesterday.Its called "Money Talks".I consulted it for some inspiration here.
The saying that jumped out was " I make money using my brains and lose money listening to my heart.But in the long run my books balence pretty well."

Pete

[Freddie]

... in response to She is asking me for money now, posted by elcolombiano on Aug 22, 2003

First off we have to realize that the Latin culture (as well as Asians) is very family oriented. They often live together until married and sometimes even after.

A financial problem for one is a problem for all. Now in this case I would have to say that the sister should be responsible for the phone bill. But if it gets disconnected, which does happen often, then he won't be able to talk to his fiancee either.

As for not having good jobs I can only speak about my wife's family. They live in a small town outside of Cali.

She has an older sister who is an elementary school teacher. Her sister has a 10-yr old son. She has a boyfriend who lives with them and he has a job. I'm sure neither of them make enough to really live on their own.

There are so many teachers she can only work half days. They get paid almost nothing and often go months without being paid at all. If the local government changes they can replace all civil employees like police, fire, office workers and teachers.

My wife's youngest sister has a degree in Information Technology. She is currently working in a small casino for about 50 cents an hour.

My father-in-law catches a bus about 5:30 each morning and sometimes gets home around 8PM. He makes about $2000(US) a year.

Another sister lives upstairs with her husband and little girl. She watches the two children and handles the household chores. Fortunatly her husband has a job as a welder.

My wife's mother had emphysema and died 3 months after my wife arrived in the U.S. I paid for half the medical bills and funeral costs.

On own choice I have provided a TV, VCR, fan, washing machine, new mattresses and last Christmas a computer to my wife's family.

I mention all of this to show that yes, things happen. Yes, the people in Colombia struggle day to day to survive. It is not like the lives we know in the U.S.

My wife has a teaching degree but works as a retail manager. We contribute something to her family's well-being monthly and often more for special occasions.

They have an ATM card to my wife's checking account (not mine) but never take money without checking with her first.

It's just part of the deal when marrying a foreign lady. Get used to it. Think of it as helping people who may not have the means to help themselves.

Needless to say I am treated very well when I visit her family.

[cancunhound]

... in response to Let me add some thoughts on this subject..., posted by Freddie on Aug 23, 2003

Do they use it?  The one I purchased now has a cover on it - La 14 or wherever carries them.  I gave the maid full intructions on how to use it - LOL.  Same with the microwave, it's just another place to store stuff - WTF?  Can't teach an old dog new tricks.  Now the DVD they use.

[Freddie]

... in response to washing machine, posted by cancunhound on Aug 23, 2003

I had to laugh, yes, their's has a LA 14 cover on it, too.

Two years ago my wife went to visit her family 2 weeks before I got there. She already had the new water line installed before we went to pick out the machine. I asked her where was the hot water line and she said, "Honey, we don't have hot water."

After washing their clothes by hand for all those years you can bet they use it, probably almost everyday. Her 3 sisters hugged me and almost cried when it arrived.

I think this Christmas we'll get them a microwave. They have no oven and cook everything on a couple gas burners.

[Patrick]

... in response to She is asking me for money now, posted by elcolombiano on Aug 22, 2003

I've been married for 6 years.  I've never been asked to send money to my wife's family.  I never had any other Latin lady I dated ask me for money.  This is the second time this has happened to you.  It seems like it was only 2-3 months ago you were dumping the other fiancee for financial reasons.  Seems like you move awfully fast.

Are you perhaps trying to use dinero to attract women?  Pictures of your house, car, etc.?  Telling them about your net worth or income?  That's always seemed to be a sure fire way to eliminate the good women and leave you with the gold digger types.  Perhaps you should re-think your strategy and start using education and employment in your criteria for choosing ladies.  If you're willing to let up a bit in the looks/age department, there are plenty to choose from.  I would suggest staying away from women who are too affluent though.  A dependence on maids is hard to support here.

[cancunhound]

... in response to Re: She is asking me for money now, posted by Patrick on Aug 23, 2003

[Bueller]

... in response to She is asking me for money now, posted by elcolombiano on Aug 22, 2003

"I don't mind paying for any expenses we inccur while we are together or for gifts or for expences related to coming to the USA or preparing to come to the USA. But why do I have to pay for part of her utilites."

 You got it. There are gazillions of poor but dignified people in the world who would be too proud to ask for money, especially for something so trivial. Let your girlfriend's sister take responsibility for her actions, and bear the brunt of their disapproval if the phone gets disconnected. If that disapproval rubs off on you, why would you want to get involved with such people anyway?

 Honestly, what was Sis thinking when she ran up that phone bill? If she doesn't even have a job, who was she expecting to pay the bill as she yakked away? Rich Gringo Boyfriend? This sounds not only like they are trying to use you, they're being downright presumptuous about it. It also sounds like they have some problems with discipline that money from you would only protract instead of cure.

[elcolombiano]

... in response to Re: She is asking me for money now, posted by Bueller on Aug 23, 2003

You response makes me feel very sad. But you hit it on bulls eye.

[moam]

... in response to Re: She is asking me for money now, posted by Bueller on Aug 23, 2003

It is good to see you posting again!!

[Bueller]

... in response to Bueller, posted by moam on Aug 23, 2003

Thanks! I missed out on some threads about Brazil, and made some notes about some comments to make on the subjects discussed, but have been too lazy to sit down and compose. I've spent the past few hours translating an article from Portuguese for an online magazine, and while googling a phrase found out the article already exists in English. I stopped for fear of getting stuck in the middle of some sort of plagiarism dispute, and am waiting to hear back from the editor to see if I just wasted half my day.

 Will post some thoughts on Brazil soon.

[moam]

... in response to Re:  Bueller, posted by Bueller on Aug 23, 2003

Good, look forward to hearing about your experiences.  I have 3 places that I am very interested in and Brazil is one of them.

[zack]

... in response to She is asking me for money now, posted by elcolombiano on Aug 22, 2003

What distrubs me most about her request is that none of her family holds a full time job. I know that jobs are
not plentiful in Clolombia, but it something still stinks here. I would look at this as a huge red flag if I were you.

Other guys are saying "get used to it. It comes with the territory." Agreed, but asking for money for a life-threatening hospital expense is one thing,  a utility bill for a family who doesn't even work full time is completely different.

I simply would not pay it and see how she responds, and see if the phone is really shut off.

Zack