Interesting occurance

[Pescador]

I just found out that my novia might be planing on visiting another guy she was corresponding with when she is here. Ok here is the scenerio.

Next month early June I have plans and plane tickets (so does she)to meet in Miami where she is arriving on a tourist visa. We are spending a couple of days there then off to Seattle for the summer are as long as her tourist visa allows.

I met her in person in November for a couple of days while scoping out bogota for the first time. I decided to return to get to know her better in Feb. I stayed there for 40 days straight. I think that is a lot more than most guys get to go at once. While there I did hear her talking to another gringo from New York the guy sent her flowers they have never met etc. She told me she wasnt interested in him. We pretty much spent time with each other at least a few hours every day while I was in bogota. Before I left I didnt propose to her, but we made plans for her to come visit me here in USA on her tourist visa. I bought her a love ring and she showed it to her brother and told her brother that we are now novios.

Since Ive been away from her we have kept in contact by messenger on the computer every day or I call her at least twice a week.
She says all the I love yous, cant wait to be with you etc typical novio stuff. We also have talked about marriage seriously and future plans too. I know her brother well and most of her immediate family.

Recently I learned through a valid source that this guy in New York is waiting to see her in June too(in new york).(He has never met her in person only talked to her on the phone , emails) It made me wonder if something else was going on. First how can she meet this guy in New York when she is going to spend her time in Miami with me then travel with me to Seattle? Maybe I think we are more serious than she does or she is just hedging her bets? I know I havent slipped the Big ring on her finger yet, but she knows its just a matter of time. I know this guy in New york is clueless about me, should he be told the truth? I couldnt imagine her bailing out on me to go to New york to meet a guy she has never met before so why does she continue to maintain contact with this guy? Maybe someone reading this can relate or has been in a similar situation. Thanks for any positive opinions or ideas.

[DOMINGUIN]

... in response to Interesting occurance, posted by Pescador on May 18, 2003

Pescador:

I just learned from your profile that you are 32. Is your Colombiana girlfriend younger then you, as in her early 20s? You also mentioned that she didn't want to tell her parents that she had registered with an agency and she was emabarrassed when letters from men arrived at her home.  Sometimes young women(of any nationality) no matter how beautiful they are makes mistakes in judgment because they are immature. Do you think that she is emotionally mature?

Dominguin

[DOMINGUIN]

... in response to Interesting occurance, posted by Pescador on May 18, 2003


Peacador:

First of all I'm sorry.  Any man is not at his best when he is caught up in jealousy. I think that for a man, romantic jealousy is the fear of loss of a woman, the fear of being inadequate, the fear of being humiliated by another man  I've been jealous before in my life and I didn'tlike myself. I'm leaving for Colombia in less then a month, don't know anything about Colombian women, may be flamed for what I say, but it seems to me a lot of people are throwing in their 2 cents wwithout a full understanding of the facts.

From your posts, here is what I understand the facts of the story to be.  You received an answer to an email, with the original email included.  Your Colombiana answered an email that said "can't wait to see you in New York in June.
In her response, your girlfirned answered that she couldn't wait either.

Since you don't have plans to be in New York with her in June and are going  from picking her up in Miami to Seattle, you assume it was sent to you in error, that there is a man who is either from New York or meeting her in New York, he speaks Spanish better then you and he must havr more money then you. Instead of jumping to jealousy fantasies, why don'you evaluate what you know?

Was there actually an original message that was included in her response?
If there was an original message, was it addressed to her? (not the email address), but using her name?
If there was an original message, was it signed with a man's name? (someone you don't know).
Or was it just a message from her mistakenly emailed to you saying can't wait to see you in New York in June?  Did she call the receiver of the message by name, somone other then you?
Could her message have been in response to her friend in New York? the person that you do know.

If all you have is one message mistakenly addressed to you with no personal names in it, then you should be very careful and diplomatic in how you you follow up with your girlfriend.

If you have a message with another man's name in which your girlfriend either used that name in the "mistaken" response she sent you or he did in sending an original message to her
I think you should be a lot more direct.

That is all that I can come up, based on what you;ve told all of us.

Dominguin

[Pescador]

... in response to Re: Interesting occurance, posted by DOMINGUIN on May 19, 2003

She seems mature at 27 and a profesional medical doctor. Then again she is the baby in the family.
What I know about "him" is that I found her talking with this same guy on the phone when I was dating her in Colombia. Things were still early so there was openess. She apologized anyway and said the guy was crazy and she didnt know him well.
The email was from her to him, has his name , email everything. Wasnt a lovey dovey email on her part but was on his. It was a response to his email. So there was his and hers. He cant speak a word of spanish, I can speak it fair to good. Hes in his early 40s sucessful and has money.

[DOMINGUIN]

... in response to Re: Re: Interesting occurance, posted by Pescador on May 19, 2003


Pescador:

Thanks for the details you gave about the emails between your girl friend and the guy from New York.

I'm leaving for Colombia in about a month, for my first trip, so I can't give you an opinion with the authority that some of the posters seem to have.

In the end, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, its what you feel and what you do. Understanding a woman is maybe the most challenging thing a man can do, and long distance makes it much harder.

People love in so many different ways, but as self absorbed men we always think love is" "that she can only think about me."  It seems as if there isn't real commitment on the part of either of you, but after aa, she is coming to see you after having been with you for 6 weeks.  If she hasn't met him yet, didn't date him, didn't kiss him, didn't sleep with him, it seems to me that there isn't anything real or tangible, its just a voice on a telephone, some words on a computer screen. Its easy for us to want someone to think only of us, make us the center of our world, but if we're thousands of miles away, how can that be reality?    

But,since there is obvious evidence that she is corresponding with him, I do think its important for you to confront her with it, and do it "face to face."  Maybe the most important question you can ask is: Why are you corresponding with him?  And then shut up and listen.  If you do marry and live with this woman, you will have to solve your future problems face to face, you may as well do it now.  How she handles the encounter will tell you a lot about her integrity as a person. And in the end, marriage is all about honesty and integrity, especially 50 years down the road.

I don't think you should see this as "Bad" or "wrong behavior" on her part but as an opportunity for both of you to clarify your relationship.  And, I do think that the highest form of interaction between adults is to always give someone the choice to determine their own life.  Maybe you have to get her to make a choice, it may not be the choice you would like, but it will be a choice that she made, and is responsible for, as well as the consequences.

But I would stay away from the obvious "choose him or me", its adolescent pouting.

Perhaps you might give her the email in Miami, and say to her, please tell me what this means, choose carefully your words.

She can choose to go to New York after she sees you. Is the consequence that you will be unavailable and unaccessible and its over?

You can attempt to give her a ring, ask her to marry you. If she chooses to says no or maybe later, what are the consequences?

Its always easy for someone else to say "dump her", but they haven't had her in their arms told her that they loved her. Shakespeare wrote : Its better to haved loved and lost, then never to have loved at all."  Being a man is about taking risks to find happiness.  If she has a large place in your heart then you owe her the face to face opportunity to make a choice.

Suerte
Dominguin

[beenthere]

... in response to Interesting occurance, posted by Pescador on May 18, 2003

Pescador,
The fact that she is even corresponding with another man is reason enough to end (or seriously consider ending) the relationship.
The reason why we are pursuing LW is that they are different than gringas.  They provide us with a peace of mind that there is no other man, that they are loyal and would never leave us.  Another poster on this thread suggested monitoring her e-mails and bugging the phone while she is here with you.  WHY??  That's non-sense.  Those are things that you have to do with an American woman, not a latina.  It defeats the whole purpose as to why we pursue them.
Pescador, this is a huge red-flag that should not be ignored.  Any gringo who is bringing a latina to the States, whether on a tourist visa, or fiance visa, should be very careful if there is any suspicion at all that she is corresponding with another gringo.  I've heard too many horror stories over the years.
Yes, Pescador, there are many more fish in the sea.  Most of us gringos can afford to be very picky as to which fish we decide to throw back in, and which we decide to keep.
Also my friend, you are a young man, take your time, don't rush, don't make a mistake you'll regret.
Good Luck!!!

[elcolombiano]

... in response to Interesting occurance, posted by Pescador on May 18, 2003

You never know with these girls. I spent 30 days with my Novia in Cali,then talked an hour on the phone and emailed every day for 2 months and then took a two week trip to Colombia to acompany her to Los Angeles on a tourist Visa. They gave her 6 months stay in customs. After 38 days she left to go back to Cali to get back together with her x-novio.

[Cali James]

... in response to Interesting occurance, posted by Pescador on May 18, 2003

REMEMBER that this gal is your novia.  You've already made a couple of trips to see her and unlike 99 out of a 100 gringos, you've spent six weeks, day in and day out with her.  She's got a good idea about who you are and so there should be little reason for her to be thinking about other gringos, particularly gringos she never met.  If she's making back up plans or continuing to lead another guy on, then she's not crazy for you or she's just a bad girl.  If this is the case, dump her now and move on while it's still not too dificult.

Maybe this sounds harsh but you'll be doing yourself a favor in the long term.  In Colombia, a guys a fool to continue in any way with a gal if he discovers she is either luke warm or lacks character.  Hold out for the real thing...

Cali James

[greg]

... in response to Confront her and find out the truth, posted by Cali James on May 19, 2003

I wouldn't waste anymore of my time with Her if she's correponding with another Guy especially a Guy she never met. Thats a Huge red flag if she plan on meeting the Guy from NY, after he spent so much time and $$$$$$ with only her when he was in Bagot. Yeah, he should dump her if she plan on meeting another Guy.

[wizard]

... in response to Interesting occurance, posted by Pescador on May 18, 2003

invented the "backup plan" Chicks of course...

As you say, she may be just covering her bases, just in case things don't work out between you two... She may be thinking, why waste a trip to the US just betting on one horse... After all, we do it when we travel to LA, right...

If you are really interested in this girl, which is obvious since you plan to spend the summer with her, then let the realtionship play out... If things cool off, then it's all for the better anyway... Let her skip off to golly ole NY... If things heat up, chalk it up to paranoia... Hey, we all have a past!!! I wouldn't let your suspicions effect how the cards play out though... After all, you both were actively looking when you met each other...

You say that you have it from a "valid source" that your girl may be playing you against someone else... Just how valid is this source??? Could this valid source be playing you for their own reasons???

There are some sneaky things you could do though to satisfy your suspicions... Like putting a monitoring program on your PC that creates a trace log of all computer activity & emails while you're away... You can also check your phone records during her stay searching for unknown numbers she may call...

I hope things work out for you... Sometimes, shooting an approach to minimums is easier than figuring out a woman... Yep, I'll take snow, 200 ft ceiling and 1/4 mile visibility as apposed to trying to figure out some of the women I've known in my life...

Good Luck...

[Pescador]

... in response to Who do you think, posted by wizard on May 18, 2003

The valid source was her. A mis sent email where the guy said cant wait for us to be together in June. She responded, I hope June comes quickly!!!!! maybe she ment meeting up with me har har. Im keeping an open mind to the whole thing and trying not to get paranoid, but I hate getting burned. One thing that I know, she highly respects what her family thinks to the point of lying that she was in an agency. Also she was embarrased when letters from men came to her apartment.  I know that if her brother knew she was going to New York to maybe meet this guy he would not be happy.

[pablo]

... in response to Re: Who do you think, posted by Pescador on May 18, 2003

Definitely talk to her about the situation.  Two things appear obvious to me...one is that her comittment to you is less than it could be and two, she appears to be working out a backup plan if things don't work out between you.  Confront her nicely, but be sure to talk with her.

[wizard]

... in response to Re: Who do you think, posted by Pescador on May 18, 2003

Ouch!!! The ole "intercepted email with the smoking gun" kinda evidence...

Sounds like you have alot of time and energy invested in this girl... Sounds like she's not at the same place you are in the relationship... If she is still having this kind of contact with someone else after seeing you every day for 40 days, well, it doesn't sound good... If it were me, I'd have to have "the" talk with her... Especially if you're paying her travel expenses...

Better to find out now so you don't waste more time, energy and $$$... There are lots of fish in the sea... Oh yeah, you know that since you're the fisherman...

Lo siento...

[Pescador]

... in response to Yikes!!!, posted by wizard on May 18, 2003

Oh her dad paid for her ticket to Florida, I am out for the one to Seattle(maybe). Or Someone else might be out for one to New York.

[Pescador]

... in response to Yikes!!!, posted by wizard on May 18, 2003

Yeah dont I know theres a lot of fish! I let a few go to fillet this keeper but the knife seems to be dull at the moment. I just talked with her again on the phone tonight didnt mention anything. She sure sounds convincing. I want to believe Im the only one..but facts are facts. I have to laugh because Ive always seen other people in this situation not me, seems like im just waiting for the music to stop and see which of us two has a chair. If you were the other guy would you want to know whats going on? I mean she can just as easily not go to new york. All id have to do is email him a pic of me and her(portrait,not snap shot btw.