I snarfed this off the MSN start-up page. Kind of applies to some us (age difference, rich vs poor, his motives vs her motives), kind of doesn't (AW, not MOB and I don't know that any of us are currently married and cheating): Scenario-20yo AW, 40yo AM with 4 kids and estranged wife. I added my comments in (). My humble opinon: look in your dictionary under 'loser' to see the AW's picture, look up 'slime bucket' for the AM's picture. What do you think?
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I met an older man who is in very good shape --muscular--. I am 20 and he is 40, legally separted from his wife, has four kids. (and if you think he's going to pay alimony and child support so that he can marry YOU, I'd like to sell you a bridge). However, none of that bothers me (it sure as hell should). My best friend absolutely hates the idea of my dating him.(your friend is a lot smarter than you are)
She says that I can do better. (not sure your friend is right on this point, at least not until you take some self esteem lessons)
I have been through a lot as far as relationships go. (in other words, you're a loser) This guy may have a lot of MONEY (imagine that), but I look beyond that aspect. (I'll bet) He treats me very well. (yeah, but he doesn't have to live with you all the time) He opens the door for me, wants to just cuddle and watch TV or a movie, and has made no advances towards me demanding any kind of sex. (He's gay [not likely with 4 kids] or he needs some Viagra or you're skunk ugly or you're lying about this part) Just all around a very sweet and caring guy.(who cheats on his wife, you know, just a regular, all around nice guy--I'm sure he wouldn't cheat on YOU)
I don't mind his age, but I think my mom will have a problem with my dating a much older man (hmmm, looks like you mom is as smart as your friend). My parents have 14 years between them but hardly anything in common. That is why they are getting a divorce after 20 years. (they must have had something in common to be married 20 years) Should I follow my heart with this situation and not worry about what everyone else thinks? (you should go to confession and then change your phone number and then make an appointment with a shrink, that's what you SHOULD do)
Anna Johnson’s response
Dear sweet young thing,
Wow! I am astounded at how many readers urged you to follow your heart. Most of the writers who defended older men were involved with them and cited material security (so most of your readers are gold diggers?) and maturity as advantages. Only the naysayers brought up those four pesky little problems: his kids. (yes, they could be a 'little' problem)
The answer lies in your character (or lack of). Can you be a super step-mom (at 20yo and his kids are probably 15 or 16? get real) and still have your own kids later? Old silver tail will have to be mighty generous--after alimony payments and college funds (didn't I already say that?)--and you will need to be awfully patient. (like until you're old and ugly and he no longer wants you or he croaks--either way, you wind up alone) Enjoy the affair. Any more is asking for a saga.
Call it the Eric Clapton syndrome, but after a while a young girl gets sick of expensive dinners, a very grateful man and limited conversation. (unless she's a 'pro' and does that kind of thing for a living)
When I was 20, successful 40-year-old guys drove leather-upholstered forest-green sport cars, listened to Sade and wore Armani jackets over white T-shirts. When I dated them, I insisted on going to restaurants where none of my bohemian friends would be. I guzzled free champagne and invariably ended up flirting with a barman my age.
It is hard to avoid being patronized by someone who has much more money, experience and, let’s face it, offspring than you do. While you may represent a fresh start to Mister Forty with four kids, (or an easy, no commitment 'piece on the side') what does he represent to you? A ski trip to Vail, the opportunity to wear tasteful beige eye shadow and mistress lingerie? (in other words, a meal ticket)
Mindless adoration? (she's mindless alright)
In your arms, he escapes the considerable responsibilities of marriage and full-time parenting of four kids. No wonder he is happy to cuddle on the couch. No wonder he opens doors. He is back in Eden and you are the unsullied, ripe and lissome Eve. (the advice columnist is right in all those points) But what happens when you want your own white wedding and four kids? (never gonna happen)
I suspect older dude is banking that these demands are at least seven years and many popcorn evenings (and many evenings of, well you know) away. Given this, enjoy the dance. Investigate his French cologne, Van Morrison CD collection and favorite college novels. Learn how to eat oysters with a tiny fork and experience the patient touch of an older lover. But please be careful about falling in love.
(in this paragraph the columnist is dead on right)
If this guy bit off more than he could chew in family life and is looking for a soft landing, don’t let him use your young heart as a runway. Don’t underestimate the impact of your parents’ divorce upon your emotional and physical needs right now. Perhaps you would be better off with a large soft toy to cuddle and thrash, not to mention a trusted therapist and a PJ Harvey’s latest CD. When life gets extreme, Eric Clapton just isn’t enough.
P.S. Rent Reality Bites. In this cute Gen X flick, Winona Ryder is tempted by an older TV exec but winds up with the uncouth, immature but way sexier slacker Ethan Hawke. Winona tries out both options before choosing. Why don't you? (what, you're advocating that she help Mr. Slime cheat on his wife and kids?--let's not preach morals, just take it from a practical standpoint---she has absolutly nothing to gain in this relationship and everything to loose)
Anna Johnson is the author of Three Black Skirts: All You Need to Survive and has written for Elle, Vanity Fair, Vogue UK and other magazines. She’s a correspondent for the Australian cable TV program By Design. Born in Australia, she currently divides her time between New York City and Sydney.
