All I have to say isssssss......

[Aaron]

I have travelled to Colombia many times, and met many beautiful women. I even proposed to one, but decided I didn't want to go through with it.

On my first trip, I visited a girl that I wrote with for 5 months prior. When I got there, we had sex. I initially didn't want to do that. It was too quick, and I felt bad about it. I tried to continue the relationship with her, but she wanted to get married tooooo quickly, like within a couple of weeks. That was 5 years ago.

So, after that, I decided that I do not want to have sex until I get married. I have been celibate ever since.

Even though I have met many beautiful women, and have been tempted, I try to avoid these types of situations. If I think I wont be able to be faithful to a girl, then I make the decision of not having sex with her.

I'm looking for a special person, and I wont stop looking, or give my love to anyone else until I find her.

You can call me self-rightous, but this is what I believe.

Aaron

[Pete E]

... in response to All I have to say isssssss......, posted by Aaron on Feb 25, 2003

Aaron,
Your policy will probably help keep you out of trouble with latinas.I think they do think they have right of possesion if they have had sex with you,and sometimes even before.So I guess its honest to not lead her on if you don't know if you are serious about her.I think women will probably respect that.
I always wanted to have a good time while I was waiting for the right one to come around,so I had lots af casual sex.This was mostly in the 70's and 80's,free love was in,deseases  could be cured with antobiotics.It was something to do but it was not very satisfying.I remember having sex with women and then seeing them at a party and paying little attention to them.One said one time,you do remember we had sex last weekend?Yes,I do.(So?).Womem seem to expect it too mean more.Guys usually will just take it when available.I do remember some women I chose not to get involved with,even though sex would have been interesting,because I knew I would have a hell of a time shaking them if I did.One in particular was talking to my friend,telling him how interested she was in me.His comment "you ought to bag her."
No,not worth it with that one.
So I guess you are doing the right thing.The idea of celibacy just seems a little foriegn to me.I always wanted to at least get a little recreational sex in.I guess its easier being the guy.You just don't call them back and they mostly would not call you.At least that was the traditional role most women used to adhere to.Then sometimes I would hear from a girlfriend how the girl was waiting by the phone for me to call.Latinas,however,would probably be a little more aggressive about letting you know they thinbk they own you.
Ah,but this was back before I hit 40 and there were enough options here.That got more difficult as I was not willing to settle for older women even as I got older.So late 80's through late 90's were not a real good time for me.I was celibate mostly,but not by choice,except for being unwilling to lower my standards enough to be successfull.
But finally the solution,Colombia.I was real serious about finding a wife at that point.I found my wife and just married her,without even having sex first.She was just so much better than what I could get here I just went for it.
Also I didn't have time to just play the field in Colombia.I think guys who stay there for extended periods may start thiking girlfriend vs. wife.
Anyway I can't critisize your approach,it seems more honorable than most guys would be.
Question though.Doesn't that put alot of pressure on you to just want to find the right girl quickly?

Pete

[colman]

... in response to Re: All I have to say isssssss......, posted by Pete E on Feb 25, 2003

It is very difficult to practice. I think most guys have a time frame of "having fun" but with time and experiecne they want the right girl and then they must think differntly. Pete you make good points and I commend your honesty. You bring up an interesting point about the wife vs. girlfriend, may I ask how long you courted your wife before you got married?--thanks God Bless--Colman

[Aaron]

... in response to I agree with Aaron but..., posted by colman on Feb 26, 2003

As young and fine as you are, you should have 60 girlfriends before you get serious with any one of them !!!!!!! LOL !!!!!!

Just be careful.

[colman]

... in response to Colman...., posted by Aaron on Feb 26, 2003

Yes, I follow logic and common sense with major decisions in my life. There are many Einsteins on earth but without a sprinkle of common sense these brains are working in vain. It makes perfect sense to abstain from sex from marriage so you can focus on the lady's personality, soul, and brains. I think we as men are ingrained since our childhood that it could not be done but I KNOW it is possible. You know I promise not to bring up poitical agendas on this forum so I wont but I can honestly say that peace of mind and tranquility is what I desire the most for me right now. I also believe a man is at his best with a nurturing women at his side, because of "machismo" sometimes this is not felt in the Latino culture but reflecting on my grandmother and mother I know this to be SOOOOOOOOOOO true. As I said Pete brings up a good point with the future wife vs. serious gilfriend combined with the time frame--lol--sometimes we want "perfection" but reality slaps us when least expected. I am 28 yrs old---AND GOD do I witness the wrongs men and women do in my age its pathetic. I work in a new dept. at work (so you know people are curious)--these "grandmother" ladies subtlely and indirectly ask me kinda personal questions (I dont mind) they are suprise that someone my age is not with 2 or 3 kids and divorce twice, (again I am not saying this is bad) but these ladies say--"if only people could think like you"--yes it makes me feel good but I think I am too overzealous with being careful with potential partners. I can duplicate your what you are doing Aaron but maybe right now is not the time. My family has a 2 flat in Chicago where my brother and I live on second floor and parents on 1st--we both take care of the mortgage which is almost paid off but anyway there are many things going on right now--I am looking into a transfer job location in Florida (I love Chicago but too COLD--I am sick today that is why I am writing this right now-lol)--I want everything to be perfect but sometimes subconsciously I think I may be losing out on oppurtunities...but anyway gotta go--just bascically wanted to say I also plan on being celibate when I get serious with a lady--hopefully in Barranquilla or Cartagena---God Bless, thanks for the reply--Colman

[lswote]

... in response to yes, true....., posted by colman on Feb 26, 2003

The problem in my mind with abstaining from sex is that sexuality is a part of a person's personality and by abstaining from sex you are not getting to view the full personality of the person.  And if affection and sex are important to you, then it will be a big letdown if your partner doesn't find them important as well.  Just because a person kisses and hugs alot doesn't mean they will be very sexual.  Like everything else, you should try to discover everything you can about a person and how your sexual relationship will be is one of those things.

[colman]

... in response to Re: yes, true....., posted by lswote on Feb 26, 2003

unique because I do plan on marrying a Latina (although sometimes these things cant be plan) and most likely a Colombiana, and since I was raised in a "Colombian" household with half a dozen female cousins a stone throws away I (humbly) am in an advantage with these sort of things-I can pick up the innuendos and idiosyncracies of my paisas--although I do admit each person is an individual. Not to sound too cheesy or oversensitive but when one abstains from sex prior to marriage AND if one is really at a comfortable level of understanding and knowing the "one" then that sex is just much more sweeter. We are all men here, so I imagine we all have experienced "casual sex" or "no strings attach" AGREED sex between 2 people is good but its so explosive when one engages sex with a female who actually likes everything about you (physical, personality, ideals) not just for a fast cure of "rebound" sex--anyway you do have good points but I am going to follow Aaron's plan becasue I am aligned with his theory--hey what works for does not necessaraly work for others--God Bless--Colman

[Ralph]

... in response to your right but my case is..., posted by colman on Feb 27, 2003

I agree that making love to someone you care deeply about is way better than casual sex. I also feel that somwhat casual sex is WAY better than NO sex;-)

The point I disagree on is, if you are celibate for years before getting married, the sex is better. I doubt it. I know, I do a MUCH better job when I have been "practicing".;-)

[colman]

... in response to Re: your right but my case is..., posted by Ralph on Feb 28, 2003

Wow--my friend that will be EXTREMELY difficult for ANY human being---I admit I think I cant go without sex (casual, serious) for more than 4 or 5 months--now is this going to jeopardize my concentration when I believe I have found the "one"--you betcha but I know there are ways to deal with this--I mean if I came across as a "born again virgin" (which I respect but by no means I believe in) sorry to paint that image of me but thats not me. Yes-its going to depend on many things--some people are comfortable getting to know someone in 2 yrs. or 4 months or 2 days! for me it would probably be less than 6 months (again this is something that sometimes cant be plan) but I say less than 6 months because I believe myself to be very conscious and responsible for important decisions in my life--but thanks for your response--colman

[Pete E]

... in response to your right but my case is..., posted by colman on Feb 27, 2003

Colman,
Your right casual sex isn't that great.But to me I felt I was missing something or its what a guy should be doing so I pursued it for years.
Mickey Gileys song about the girls all look prettier at closing time has some truth in it.And waking up with the dreaded number one.Actually I never woke up with worse than a 5 but I remember a couple of good looking girls,one in particular was gourgeous who were just such zeros personality wise.This real pretty shapely blonde would talk and it was just yada yada yada,she was truly a dumb blonde.Breakfast was an ordeal.I couldn't get her home fast enough.And I remember girls who would just get up a leave afterward and I would never see them again.Its more like I went to sleep and woke up and they were not there.I am harking back to the free love 70's mostly here,which you missed.I basically just played from the time I was 25 and got divorced untill a serious relationship at 38.After my divorce marriage was not a goal at all.There was only one long running but not real serious relationship in that time.Cars,boats,bars and girls.And lots of minor relationships,one or 2 months,and lots of one nighters.
Agreed,its much better when there is caring and comfort,and if you are lucky,love ,between the partners.
But commiting to celebacy still seems like self denial,even with what I just said.Maybe instead of celebacy it could be "I'm going to wait for the woman that seems like the right one,or untill I at least have very good emotional connection with and I feel no one is being harmed.
Hmm,Just remembered one of  my best sex partners ever.She was my friend first,then we decided to have sex,which was very good.Neither of us was really looking from commitment from the other.Well,maybe she would have liked it.It was casual in a way,even though we were very good friends.She had a succession of other guys while I was seeing her,all of which I heard all about.It was interesting.She wasn't my  "dream girl " so I was content to have a friend and sex partner while I was looking for dream girl.She got married but it didn't last.After that we were non sexual friends.I got serious with someone and we drifted.
Hmm,reminds me of a line from Peacefull Easy Feeling by the Eagles  " I get this feeling I may know you,as a lover and a friend.This voice keeps wispering in my other ear,saying I may never see you again." That had a good feeling to me at the time.
So I contradicted myself.I started out remembering a bunch of not so hot casual sexual relationships,but then remembered a good one.I guess it wasn't really casual,it just wasn't ever going to be permanent.
But I do believe real love is better. Neal Young in Heart of Gold "I been to Hollywood,I been to Redwood,I crossed the ocean for a heart of gold."He also has a line in there about "and I'm getting old".I feel that one.
Thats the idea.Real love,a heart of Gold.Worth searching for in a gutsy way.
Good hunting my friend.You and Aaron will both do fine with your high principled approach.

Pete

[colman]

... in response to Ramblings on casual sex and searching fo..., posted by Pete E on Feb 28, 2003

As I said in response to Ralph's thread--I would be lying to you if I tell you I can be celibate for years even 6 months-(that's like a life prison term in Alcatraz-lol). In all seriousness maybe I typed some misinformation--my plan is to be celibate with the lady I think would be the "one" up to 6 months but as far as for right now till then--game on--lol---right now I date here and there but I dont consciously sift out lady friends as potential the "ones". I have to see about a job transfer I have to see if and when I am going to be moving out of state plus scores of others--its difficult but my cushion is my age. God bless and thanks for sharing some of your perspectives through different time periods and how they view sex in general--many similarities compared to now but also some differeces--Colman

[Aaron]

... in response to Re: All I have to say isssssss......, posted by Pete E on Feb 25, 2003

I have fantasies about having sex with a beautiful Latina with a nice bubble butt, nearly on an hourly basis......LOL!!! Let's not forget, they're fantasies in Spanish....YIKES!!!

Thanks for appreciating my perspective. When I get married, I want to give all of myself to my partner, and I don't ever want to have an affair, and my wife will be my best friend. I am a very loyal person by nature to those who are close to me, and I am not easily swayed by women, so I don't think I will fall to the temptation for being unfaithful.

As for your point about playing the field in Colombia. Well, listen to this. My latina mentor, who is Colombiana, told me not to get serious about ANYONE yet. She told me, even her mother of 70 told me, meet many many more girls in Colombia before I decide to pick one to be serious with. When they told me that, I couldn't believe it because I was under the assumption that by not picking and being serious with one, I would be considered a player.
However, they told me....NOOOOO!!!! That's not the way it is. They told me that I'm young and successful, and I shouldn't let someone try to hook me just yet. They said that by meeting more women, I'll get more experience, learn the language better, learn more about Colombianas, and the culture. Then when I have a better idea of the kind of people I come across, I'll be wiser with making decisions. Also, with more experience and knowledge, the field of women that I will be able to meet will be allot wider. In addition to their points, all the girls I meet so far are kind of impressed that I take well with them, and they don't try to push me. They say that as long as I'm not leading anyone on, then I'm free to see whoever.
And they have the same right.

So, my approach is to keep meeting people, make friends, and one day that special lady will stick out from all the rest.

Aaron

[Hiker]

... in response to All I have to say isssssss......, posted by Aaron on Feb 25, 2003

I admire your motives but for the benefit to be there requires a girl who feels the same way.  I am sure Cali has a girl who thinks like that.  Heck, counting the surrounding areas there might even be two of them.

:-)  Just joking, but on the other hand I have to admit that Cali is by far the most sexual place I have ever been.  I used to think like you about this.  I probably would still like to say that is also my viewpoint, but in reality I don't practice it.  A man will do something even though he is willing to admit it is not right in his beliefs.  A woman is not the same.  She will justify it in her mind as right and then do it.  I would be careful thinking a woman is waiting for the wedding night.  Often she is just waiting for the wedding night with you.

[Aaron]

... in response to Re: All I have to say isssssss......, posted by Hiker on Feb 25, 2003

Good points Hiker,

However, my decisions and behavior are based upon my beliefs, regardless if there is a woman that thinks differently.

As for Cali being a more sexually provacative place, well you are correct in some respects, but it all depends on which kind of girls a guy is interested in.

Definitely there are allot of girls that dress in skimpy outfits, some get plastic surgery for their breasts, lupposuctions, etc. etc.. There are girls that are more free when dating. However, there are other girls that are more reserved and discreet, which I tend to like. I also consider them more sexually appealling.

Aaron

[lswote]

... in response to All I have to say isssssss......, posted by Aaron on Feb 25, 2003

Aaron,

Since I have responded to some of your other posts, I will respond to this one.  Personally I think your beliefs are your own business and I respect them.  Everyone is different and their life experience is different.  About the only thing that I expect from others is respect for me and my beliefs.  I give the same in return.  I only make judgements if I think people are hurting others or themselves.

I don't see anything wrong with your approach to dating Latin women if it is one you can live a comfortable life with because you aren't hurting anybody.  I took things considerably faster than you, but my life and reasons are different than yours, but like you, I respect myself, my wife and marriage and did everything I could to be open, honest and respectful to everyone I encountered during my dating experience.

Best of luck to your in your continuing search.

Bruce