Youngish Asian Women and Older Western Men

[Westerngrrl]

I fail to see how a 20-30 something woman can have interest in a 50-ish man (unless her name is Catherine Zeta-Jones)

[Don V and Vicky]

... in response to Youngish Asian Women and Older Western M..., posted by Westerngrrl on Jan 21, 2001

Okay I will try to answer you in a serious manner. Now first allow me to say my husband and I are 40 and 47 (he's 47), so we are very close in age when you look at it. But remember where these girls are coming from. In the Philippines men are much worse than in America on an average. The younger ones cheat often (I know these are generalizations so forgive me but they are based in truth) and can be lazy and violent. Much more so than in the USA. Women do not have the status they do in the US even though there have been two Filipina (Filipina is a woman) presidents recently including the new one. Economic conditions are worse than the great American depression especially right now. Divorce is illegal in the Philippines except for very unusual circumstances.

To a Filipina an American man is seen as being more considerate of his wife and a better provider. If he is older he is usually more stable in his job or career and usually better off financially. He is also more tolerant on average and with life experience he usually makes an excellent father. An older man is less likely to fly off the handle than a young man. Also he should be wiser with age. Remember, Asians revere age and wisdom. I know there are nasty American men of all ages and incomes but believe me, until you have lived some time in the Philippines and see the real situation there in marriages you would have a hard time imagining the things men do and get away with there. Again these are generalizations about older American men but they also hold true. An American man of 50 is seen by my Filipina sisters as a strong, wise, financially stable man who is better suited to bring life experience to the raising of children. Most men who abuse their children are younger men with less experience and tolerance. Bearing children is for the young, raising them is for the experienced. A paradox, no? The younger mother bears children easier and a devoted, mature father is better able to support a family and to provide a gentle yet strong and wise role model for them. How many young couples live hand to mouth even in the USA? My husband and his first wife did until he made corporal and they decided to have their first child when they could support her. An American corporal's pay will support a family of five or six comfortably in the Philippines.

So you have a young woman, ready to bear children, eager to do so and looking for the best possible match. She wants to have a strong and successful man if she can get one. A pregnant woman and a woman with a suckling baby must be considered to be temporarily but severely handicapped. She needs emotional support almost as much as monetary support. A mature man is experienced and usually more even tempered and less likely to fight with his pregnant wife. He is also better able to support them comfortably while she is unable to work, and possibly able to support the family without her help and so she can devote 100% of her time to the home and her children. Filipinas are very devoted mothers. Filipinas are not taught by magazines and such things to hate maturity, her whole life has been experienced to revere maturity.

And most American men in their forties and fifties are not bad looking, even though America overall is getting quite fat. Remember when Henry Kissinger was the most eligible bachelor in America and had his choice of women? Have you looked closely at him even back then? The Filipina often sees past the outside and looks in to the heart. What he says and how he acts will go farther with her than what he looks like. May-December relationships are very common in the USA so I don't see why people pick on Asian women. They are also very common in Europe.

So to sum it up, Filipinas :

1. Have no age prejudices, the opposite in fact.
2. Are looking for the best match to help her raise her family.
3. Have seen bad examples among young men in her own society, where older men are better husbands and fathers.
4. See American men as being more successful and less likely to cheat or be violent that her countrymen (overall this is true).
5. America's standard of living is at least three times better than the Philippines.
6. With the Philippines' long association with America, she fits in pretty well and usually speaks at least some English, and has no "gaijin" notions about Americans.
7. The USA has much better laws protecting her than she has at home or especially if she goes to Japan or Singapore or the Arabian nations to work, even as housekeeper. The USA makes sure she knows all her rights and exactly what to do if her husband turns out to be one of the few bad ones. In the Philippines she has few recourses especially for cheating and neglectful husbands. Not in the USA.

On the other hand:

1. America is a strange land and far away, even if it is mostly familiar.
2. There are just enough true stories of bad American men that it will make her think twice.
3. The Philippine authorities make sure she hears all about horror stories before she leaves for the USA, and they are repeated in the USA with instructions on how to leave and get help if her man turns out to be a monster, and this scares her a little and makes for initial difficulties.
4. She is a very long way from home should something happen to her family in the Philippines and she knows how expensive it is for her to travel back should something happen. A comfortable lifestyle is often put under strain especially since her husband had to make usually at least two expensive trips to see her at home. She realizes that once he pays her way to the USA that even an American with a nice income just cannot buy airfare across the USA and to the Philippines on a moment's notice. And if she has a very small child it may be impossible for her to leave the child and travel home, and unwise to take a small baby to a place such as the Philippines where health and sanitation are not up to USA standards.

But overall the older American man is a very good match for her. A Filipina of thirty is considered an old maid in the Phils and may have trouble getting a good match. If she has had a child out of wedlock she is almost assured no decent Filipino man will marry her or use her as anything other than a mistress. American men are much more forgiving and willing to accept a child not their own. If she has gained a divorce in Japan or another nation as an OCW she is likewise a pariah for Filipino men. I was not able to have children. My Filipino husband put me through hell in medical procedures and hormones and fake doctors. He grew violent and cheated openly at the end and finally he got our marriage annulled in the Church and abandoned me back to our family. When he became an open cheater and violent Uncle stepped in and told him to either straighten up, or annul the marriage, or else. Uncle was serious. As a woman unable to bear children and having an annulment, I was prepared to live alone the rest of my life. I would never consent to being a mistress, it would shame my good family name. My American husband didn't care about the annulment or that I could not have children. In fact he was upset over my treatment by my former husband. He is my Prince Charming, my Cary Grant and my Sean Connery all rolled into one. Oh, by the way, I was not and am not a poor Filipina. Our family has a good name and reputation and I worked for my uncle and had money of my own to bring to our marriage. Our family is very well off by Philippine standards. But I am very familiar with cousins and schoolmates that were not so fortunate.

So I hope this gives you a little lesson on the conditions in the Philippines and some of the reasons at least a Filipina does not look down on a mature American man. I cannot answer for other nations. Besides, American men in their fifties look younger than Filipino men in their forties.

VICKY

[greg]

... in response to Re: Youngish Asian Women and Older Weste..., posted by Don V and Vicky on Jan 22, 2001

About Annulment of Marriage in the Philippines. greg

[Don V and Vicky]

... in response to Vicky I need Advice, posted by greg on Jan 22, 2001

I am up waiting for Mother to call, so I can answer you now.

There are very few instances where a marriage may be annuled or a "Church Divorce" granted. Mine was an annullment in both the Church and civil cases. My former husband had to pay a lot of (mostly my) money for them.

Failure to consummate the marriage is one. Infertility can be another. Insanity, maybe. In extreme cases, abuse or infidelity can also be a reason. For church annulments ask a Roman Catholic Priest. He can tell you what the Church will annul a marriage for.

Civil annullments in the Phils are also complicated and the woman has very little chance of getting one for her benefit. Some of the reasons are the same as the Church, but almost only the man can get a divorce or annullment for infidelity in the Phils. Being a man with money and political influence can get you many things in the Phils.

I only know about my own situation and what little I learned because of it. You can contact the RP embassy with questions I suppose. If you have a lady who had an annullment go carefully as many ladies claim an annullment when they are merely separated or abandoned by their husbands, or if she has never been married but had a child out of wedlock or was used as a mistress and not married by her boyfriend. The last is not really her fault but Filipinas get nervous over not being virgins for their husbands and will use excuses. If she is now trying to get an annullment in the Phils, good luck, you will need it.

VICKY

[greg]

... in response to Here's what I know-VICKY, posted by Don V and Vicky on Jan 23, 2001

Hi! Vicky salamat. Ummmm what happened? Well, after her Visa was approved, she informed me that she's separted from her Hubby for nine years, she said he has another Woman and children. She sent me a copy of a letter from him stating that he doesn't want her anymore etc..Yes, she has our Son. Think about I only found out that she was actually married after the Visa approval, so it's not my fault for being involved with a separtely married woman. I only need to know the honesty from you on her chances of getting an Annulment of marriage. Thank You very much. greg

[Ray]

... in response to Vicky, posted by greg on Jan 24, 2001

Do you live in California? You may want to consult with a good family law attorney here and see if it’s possible to get her marriage annulled in California. If so, it may be a lot faster.

Ray

[Don V and Vicky]

... in response to Vicky, posted by greg on Jan 24, 2001

I am a little confused, how did she get a visa without the legal clearance that she was free to marry? You may have a lot of trouble with this. You should hire an attorney is my thinking. You/she could be under fraud for the US INS.

As for a church annulment I have no idea, but a civil annulment will cost you money and you have to be willing to walk on the shady side of the law if you want it quickly (within a year or two), which is common practice in the Phils.

Uncle got all our paperwork approved in record time while we were gone on our Philippine honeymoon. I assume he greased palms but he is also owed much "gimi" and has considerable political pull so maybe not.

I know the civil annulment cost us (me) over two thousand dollars in US funds way back then. I have no idea what the church annulment cost if anything as Uncle was involved by then. As for what it would cost now, who knows?

VICKY

[greg]

... in response to Re: Vicky, posted by Don V and Vicky on Jan 24, 2001

Okey Vicky, After I arrived back in the States from my trip to meet my Mahal, I sent to INS her I129 fiancee Visa application. It was approved within a month; INS sent it to  Manila, I informed my Mahal that Manila would contact her for Interviews etc..She told me to cancell the Visa application, becuz she found out from the Courts in her provinces that she's in fact married, so Yes, I made a mistake on the application that she was never married, so INS also told me to cancell until She can solve her situation of Annulment from her marriage. She told me that she thought her Hubby never registered their marriage with the Courts, becuz they only together two weeks before she left to work abroad. Yes, all this sound Confusing and Messy. :-( greg

[Dave H]

... in response to Vicky, posted by greg on Jan 24, 2001

Hi Greg,

From what I know about Catholic annulments, money is the key. How much for your circumstances, I have no idea. I am considering getting one from my ex in the US. It seems that there are many ways interpret church policy, given proper motivation. I don't know if that applies to the Philippines (Church & Gov't), but I wouldn't be surprised. Money seems to make the world go around. You would need to have your fiancee consult with a priest. Also with a government official. I am not sure of which gov't office.

I am sorry to anyone that finds my post offensive. These are only my first hand observations.

Dave H.

[greg]

... in response to Money!, posted by Dave H on Jan 24, 2001

Hahahaha Dave, Don't be hard on yourself. Nothing wrong with your post. BTW, good information; I will pass it to her. thanks, greg

[Bear]

... in response to Re: Youngish Asian Women and Older Weste..., posted by Don V and Vicky on Jan 22, 2001

I have to submit to your ability to phrase the truth.  The harsg realities of life can make a lot of things AW's see as unacceptable, quite acceptable.

Bear

[Ray]

... in response to Re: Youngish Asian Women and Older Weste..., posted by Don V and Vicky on Jan 22, 2001

Vicky,

This is the best answer I have ever seen on the subject of Filipinas and age preferences in a partner. Your analysis is very articulate and well thought out.

Can I have your permission to save this and use it when the question invariably comes up again?

Thanks,

Ray

[Don V and Vicky]

... in response to Excellent Answer!, posted by Ray on Jan 22, 2001

[Westerngrrl]

... in response to Re: Youngish Asian Women and Older Weste..., posted by Don V and Vicky on Jan 22, 2001

And many women went after him in the 1960's (As you may be able to tell now, I'm a Canadian).  He married a much younger woman, and produced 3 of the finest looking sons I've ever seen :-)  I guess it's all about power.  Mr. Trudeau was a very powerful man, and he had many women, including Barbra Streisand after him.  However, he chose Margaret, who was in her early 20's at the time.  

But do these men who marry younger women in the Phillipines have a very young attitude?  Prime Minister Trudeau did.  Trudeau-mania almost equated to Beatle-mania.

[shadow]

... in response to OK Fine.  Pierre  Elliott Trudeau was a ..., posted by Westerngrrl on Jan 22, 2001

Vicky's post was very good, and if you were somehow able to put your ideals aside and read what she was saying, you may actually learn something. Most young women in the Philippines by the time they are your age have had a very good dose of life, which is considerably harder for them than it has been for you. Many of them have supported their parents and siblings for years by the time they turn 21. They do so making $3 a day OR LESS! They have never been able to experience your bar scene, because all the money they made went to support their families. They cannot afford to go out and party. If they can somehow make enough to go to college, it has to be when they are off work. While working 60 to 80 hours per week, that doesn't leave any TIME to party if there was any money left to do so. What is the result? It's called maturity, something that is very hard to find here in a woman 35 years of age. They have a much better understanding of lifes hardships than you ever will, and to them foriegn men look VERY attractive for reasons you will never understand. Before you judge them, you should get your Daddy to send you over there for a week or two and see what their choices in life really are. Until then, you obviously haven't a clue, and are too narrow minded to listen and learn. And yes, I do have a very young attitude, thanx. Larry.