Call me Ishmael. No, wait, that's how the whale tale begins. Umm, call me Jim Gumbo. This is my tale. Pay heed, noble men, listen close to my sorrowful story.
I am 40 years of age, an attorney, twice divorced, no children. My marriages were both miserable experiences, particularly the second one, which was so unhappy and adversarial that I quite literally was driven into severe clinical depression for nearly three years. Thank God the relationship ended when it did or else I would never have recovered.
What is the relevance of my tale for this message board? Well, I thought I'd share some of my experiences with Hispanic women over the years, giving you an idea why I'm making that trip to Colombia this year. There is no particular order to the women here; their names have been changed to protect their identities.
1. Graciela: married but separated, American of Salvadorean descent. Very pretty, very promiscuous during her separation, just not with me, sadly. Thought we had a connection, shared a kiss, then the next week she's moving back in with her husband. Bummer.
2. Showgirl: lap dancer at, ahem, adult club in Cabo San Lucas. Very brief, very expensive relationship. A bit older than the other girls, pretty, hair felt weird and crispy...hair spray?
3. Carla: chubby girl with hispanic surname, no idea what her background was. Met for dinner one evening, got cuddly for a short while, never talked to her again. Worked at San Francisco International.
4. Kendra: another chubby girl, of Filipina and Mexican extraction. About 7 years younger than me, very nice gal. Didn't want a relationship with her, though, cuz we didn't seem to have enough in common. Let's just say we dated for about 6 months and it was purely physical. Enthusiastic learner, though, wish I could find her today.
5. MeTwo: lovely woman, probably Mexican-American, long dark hair, darker complexion, worked across the street from my job. Only reason I didn't date her was her name. Seems she had a female version of my real name and it was just too weird. On reflection, mistake not to pursue it cuz she had reciprocal interest. Twenty years too late. Oh, well.
6. Sgt Rock: beautiful Mexican-American woman, one small child, in good shape, hard working, very warm and cuddly when it counted. She was a sergeant in the Marine Corps Reserve. Had some basic incompatibility issues, in that I smoked and she didn't, I liked beer and she didn't, she liked country music and I didn't at that time. Mostly physical. A bit awkward because we worked in the same office, as did her younger sister. Blew this one because I met some blonde white girl after a while and took her to a company picnic instead of sticking with the sarge...who stared daggers at me and stopped calling.
7. Mia: pretty woman of Cuban heritage, about 10 years older than me. Very sophisticated, elegant, intelligent, funny, warm, sensual, a delight to talk to and to hang out with. Problem was she lived on one coast and I on the other, so the only time we could see each other was when she traveled to California (which she often did). Had a few great times, lost her to some Army bozo on a singles cruise we were on with a group of friends.
8. Dorkina: someone fixed me up with this one. Mexican gal from Mexico, didn't speak much English, one kid. Hooked up for a date and found she had no personality, with or without the language barrier. Went to the movies at a 20 screen cineplex, later on out to salsa dancing, then back to her place. Nothing happened, including a conversation or a connection. Pretty, long black hair, nice figure. Total dud.
9. Darlin': another oversized woman (geez, is there a pattern here or what?), Mexican-American, a few years younger than me, one small child. This one is still active, but strictly platonic at the moment. Very nice, funny, good personality, but we are from two different worlds socially and educationally, not to mention the weight problem and the kid. Will probably date just for fun until I can get down to Barranquilla.
10. Satan: Evil Incarnate! Woman from Mexico, naturalized U.S. citizen, about 36. Attractive, sorta auburn hair (hiding the horns?), too much into Christianity and her church, hopeless perpetual student and wannabe paralegal. Knew for a few years, nothing happened, then separated from wife once or twice and got a bit friendly. Never got physical. Found out she was very quirky personality, wouldn't give me her home address, no phone number just a pager. Hired to do some work on temp basis, then fired. Bad idea. She called the wife and told her we'd been having an affair (not true, but wife tells me the woman had a very graphic imagination; wife still believes it happened), she called my other employees at home, then wife and Satan came a-stalking me at my bachelor retreat, downtown, at a restaurant, finally resulting in end of marriage, drafting of a restraining order, changing of cell phone number, blocking of calls. Bad bad bad.
11. Beelzebub: wife #1, born in England, raised in California. Fat, got much fatter by the end, couldn't keep parents from interfering. White girl through and through.
12. Lucifer: wife #2, native of San Francisco, Italian-American. Bad blood from the beginning, fights all the time, one bad one leading to the deepest, darkest pits of depression. Depression caused more fights, business suffered, got married anyway (why, Lord, oh why???), always adversarial. Feminist empowerment advocate, very strong-willed executive type, utterly promiscuous before marriage. Let's just say NEVER AGAIN!
Where does that lead us? Why, to Colombia (or Latin America in general), of course! We're all here because we have an interest in Latin women, whether that's just for their physical attributes or their social and family values. I don't expect perfection in anybody, nor do I offer it. I'd just like to avoid all the baloney I went through as a younger and infinitely more tolerant (stupid?) man. I'm gonna cross my fingers and make the best of the last half of my life. Woo hoo!
