some advice & direction, please

[JBP]

I have been monitoring this discussion group for some time now, but this is my first posting and I feel a little awkward asking for advice on this topic of "mail-order-brides".
I guess I fall in the category of a few others that I've read about here; i.e. disallusioned with many American women. So I've become curious about this whole "mail-order-bride" thing (isn't there anything better to call it?).
It's hard to know what advice to ask since I'm new to this. I'm not exactly sure where to start in a search process and I'm not exactly sure whether or not to start. The concept of going abroad to find a spouse is quite foreign to me.
I would appreciate some good honest, logical advice. Advice that points out pros and cons.  
For starters on a few concerns:
What kind of cost to be expected in the event of ultimately finding a spouse and having her immigrate here to the U.S?
How to deal with family/peers disapproval of this technique of finding a spouse?
What are the best places to find these women? Some of the websites I've visited do not contain dates when these women have posted their ad. It leaves me wondering how current they are.
Some stats on myself so those interested can help make a determination as to whether or not I would be a good candidate for a foreign woman:
Height: 5'11", weight: 185lbs. Age: 38.  Atheletic build. Overall looks: (I've dated some extremely attracted women before if that's any endorsement. I've had some women throw themselves at me and others snub their noses at me. Let's just say "fair to good". Hopefully, looks aren't all that important.) Outdoorsman. Electro-mechancal/electronic technician by trade. (Question: generally speaking, are many of these women interested knowing a person's income?). Religion: Christian/Catholic. Strong family values. No political affilliation but considered conservative by most.
Also, leaving out the details, I moved back to my folks house a couple of years ago. They are getting quite elderly and have a hard time managing some of the more physical chores around the house. Most American women I meet are turned off by the fact I live with my parents. I guess I'm viewed as being a mooch or something, not knowing that it could be just as easily viewed as my folks living with me since I'm contributing a large percentage of my income and doing my share, if not more than, of maintenance around the house. So, is it likely I would be viewed with the same contempt by foreign women as I am by American women?
I've also noticed that most of the rhetoric in this discussion group pertains to Philipino women. Any comments on this?
Thanks in advance for any and all help. I would like to keep my emotions in check, so once again, please be honest with advice (to the point of brutality even!).

JBP

[Dave H2O]

... in response to some advice & direction, please, posted by JBP on Jun 9, 2001

JBP,

First of all, welcome to Planet Love! I think everyone has come up with lots of good advice. If it's any consolation, you seem to have a lot more going in your favor than I did. But, like many of these lucky guys at PL, I also ended up with a lady that is more fantastic than any I imagined in my wildest dreams. To say that it was worth it and that I am extremely happy is an understatement. The down side for me at the moment, is that we will be separated for a few more months, until she gets her Fiancee Visa. But it is worth the wait.

As far as being viewed with contempt for looking after the welfare of your parents...I don't think so. At least by the type of woman you would want to marry. I have been raising my two sons alone for the past 6 years. Most American women looked at it as a big problem. For my Filipina fiancee, it is one of the things she admires and respects about me most. That was one of the reasons she fell in love with me. She tells me that she is very proud of me for putting my sons first and doing my best to take care of them. Family is very important to most Filipinas. My fiancee left her job to take care of her mother, who was seriously ill for the past several years. She took care of her terminally ill father before that. Her love and dedication to her family is one of the reasons I love and admire her so much.

Good Luck!

Dave H.

[madmal]

... in response to some advice & direction, please, posted by JBP on Jun 9, 2001

I wouldn't be too concerned about the reaction of family and friends.
Initially they will let all their prejudices and all the negative stories they have heard about foreign wives leaving husbands (gold-diggers) and internet relationships affect them. But over time as they see that you are 'fair dinkum' about this they will warm to the idea.

For the first year of my relationship with my wife Doan I copped lots of negative feedback from my family. Mainly my mother and my closest brother.  (It's interesting that it was my 'closest' that reacted badly.)  Their reaction was really because they worried about me getting hurt.
Doan helped a lot by writing to my mother. Now my mother gets more letters than I do.  And she's very supportive now that she 'knows' Doan.

Once you get to know a few ladies and are more comfortable with what you are doing your confidence will also show through to your loved ones. And in turn they will be more comfortable.

mal

[Jimbo]

... in response to some advice & direction, please, posted by JBP on Jun 9, 2001

Hi JB,

There are alternate strategies when choosing ladies to write to from the online catalogues.  Instead of writing only to the recent additions with great photos, being selective in other ways can yield a good response rate.  I wrote to ladies who were listed for 1 to 1 and 1/2 years, aged 30 to 33 years, and whos photos were not great.  All four that I wrote to responded (although one was a pass-along to a friend).

Remember, ladies who look like a model get bombarded with letters, and a good quality photo will make them look better than they really do while a poor photo often does not do justice to a fine looking lady.  Also, the new listings get an initial wave of responses and you're likely to get lost in the crowd.  But many of these ladies remain available after a year becase so many guys make dumb mistakes in their intro letters.

When I asked my wife why she didn't respond to so many intro letters, here are the reasons she gave:

1. "He was too proud of himself." - Good Filipinas, at least, value humility, and are turned off by guys who make a point of listing all their possessions.

2. "He had a beard." - Most asian ladies don't like beards; they can adapt but that will happen after you're married.

3. "He had a dog in his photo." - Many Filipinas are afraid of dogs and don't understand American's love of dogs.

4. "I couldn't see his face." - They like the photo to be reasonably close-up.

5. "He wrote eleven pages." - A good intro letter is short; giving stats and facts, and some personal revelations but not a bunch of baggage.

6. "He asked too many questions." - Leave the filtering to the second letter; the purpose of the first letter is to get past her filters.

Just my opinion, from my experience,

Welcome to the board,
Jim

[Jeff S]

... in response to some advice & direction, please, posted by JBP on Jun 9, 2001

He IS married to a fox - and an intelligent sweetie besides. Of course, so am I. Trust me, with your credentials, you'll have no trouble finding and dating an Asian woman. I'm married to a wonderful Japanese women who's also  intelligent, sweet, and gorgeous - and takes care of me like you wouldn't believe.

I went the exotic route - someone who spoke no English and was of an entirely different religeous background. Tougher? maybe - but as I've always said here and elsewhere, it's not the language that will get you, it's the culture. Recognize you'll be hooking up with someone to whom your ordinary life is VERY foreign to. You'll have to teach her about living here and you invest a lot more effort than hooking up with the girl next door. It can be a labor of love, though and help you become far closer than you could become with the girl next door.

Finally, here's a couple of definitions I've heard:

Definition of heaven:
British country home, Chinese Cook, American salary and a Japanese wife:

Definition of hell:
Tiny Japanese home, British cook, Chinese salary and an American wife!

- Jeff S.

[Peaches]

... in response to Pay attention to Stephen, posted by Jeff S on Jun 9, 2001

Jeff:

Definition of Hell:
Tiny Japanese home, British cook, Chinese salary and
and an American wife!

Peaches:

What a shame!  Where is your mother from Jeff? Don't
generalize coz it doesn't happen to everyone. Maybe
mostly but not to everybody.  There are Japanese and
Filipina by blood too who are Americans.

[Jeff S]

... in response to Re: Pay attention to Stephen, posted by Peaches on Jun 9, 2001

Just generalizing to be funny and make a point. Yes, my mother was an American and was a good and loyal wife to my father. I also know Chinese who make really big money, some fabulous homes in Japan, some pretty good British cooks, a few lousy Japanese wives, some Americans who'se salary you'd find difficult to eat on, and yes, I actually know a Chinese woman whose cooking is barely edible.
-- Jeff S.

[Stephen]

... in response to Re: Re: Pay attention to Stephen, posted by Jeff S on Jun 10, 2001

....is through his stomach.

But I've never seen a man divorce his wife because she couldn't cook!

Stephen

[cc]

... in response to Re: Pay attention to Stephen, posted by Peaches on Jun 9, 2001

It's just a joke, don't take it so seriously, and yes, it is playing on common stereotypes, but so what? Reminds me of people going to the "Pearl Harbour" movie and expecting a lesson in history. Or people who don't go to "Pearl Harbour" out of protest that certain aspects may not be "true". Same thing. Lighten up - it's entertainment ;-)

[Bear]

... in response to Re: Pay attention to Stephen, posted by Peaches on Jun 9, 2001

It isn't that race or culture that they come from its the influence that they are under here.  They grow up not want to be traditional members of the family unit but independent self supporting me first only always things who think men are inconsiderate controling maniacs who want nothing but to hurt them. Blame the media, political influences, weak men and those who gains when families are destroyed.

Bear

[Jimbo]

... in response to Pay attention to Stephen, posted by Jeff S on Jun 9, 2001

..but I hope Lori doesn't see that!

[Dave H2O]

... in response to Definitions --- ROFL!, posted by Jimbo on Jun 9, 2001

N/T

[humabdos]

... in response to Pay attention to Stephen, posted by Jeff S on Jun 9, 2001

He will get you out of the mess for a mesley $15,000!  LOL

[Bear]

... in response to some advice & direction, please, posted by JBP on Jun 9, 2001

Welcome to the board.  Stephens advice is pretty good.

I spent about $5000 total from start to flying there to get married in Davao.

I met my wife chatting on mIRC, DALNET, #Davao channel.  You have to be very careful though because it is so easy to lie and when you chat with one you are ususally chatting with a gaggle.  Its also possible to get references from the guys on this board and from those on Mag-anak who know Filipinas that are lerss likely to be gold diggers or green card sharks.

Remember they are looking too (probably writing more than one man) so write at least a hundred to start and pare it down to 5-10 you want to visit.  Still once I met and prayed about Honey I stopped writing all the others.  One of the hardet parts is breaking up with someone you've spent time writing and developing a relationship with for someone you think a better choice,  Still most of them are writing more than one too.

Filipinas (feminine form of the worh Filipinos) are very family oriented from what I have seen and like old style family values.  Most expect the man to direct the family (in a loving way, of course).

When I compare AW's to Filipinas I think they only thing I can say is AW's don't have a clue on how to please a man and seemingly have no desire to do so.  You will find women in the Philippines in there 20's and 30's that have never even been kissed waiting for you to teach them.  Who knows what else.  But if you are not careful you will find women who'll use you in  a harder much less caring way that any AW ever would.  So be patient and take ur time.  Ask lots of questions and try to trip them up.  Then show true appreciation.  Can't lose in the long run.

Bear.

[humabdos]

... in response to some advice & direction, please, posted by JBP on Jun 9, 2001

n/t