question about marriage agencies

[USAPrince21]

Hello all, I am a 21-year old white guy, and I having a difficult time choosing which kind of marriage agency to go for - Asian, Latin, or Russian/Eastern European.  Any of you guys out there who can help me, what advice could you give me that might help me in making my personal decision on this?

[yorktr]

... in response to question about marriage agencies, posted by USAPrince21 on Apr 7, 2005

Your Excellency;
Do you live in or near a major US city? You could try to join an international dating club and meet foreign ladies already in the US.
As I work in New York City, I joined a few such clubs and actually met my Singaporean wife through one. But like Luther said, I first had to be destroyed by our fair American sisters before I had the guts to date internationally, and to appreciate what they had to offer.
This is a useful way for you to really find out if foreign ladies are for you. I found that it took some time to become accustomed to foreign perspectives, to become a more patient listener, (realizing that English is their second language, and we gringos seldom know even a smattering of any other language), and try to realize inside yourself if you have the capacity to become a multicultural person.
You don't just marry the lady, you marry into her culture. She doesn't abandon hers out of gratitude to be married to an American. This process can be a lot of fun, however.
Luther is also correct about the wide range of ethnicities which can be found at Cherry Blossoms; I never contacted any of them, but I cruised the site many times. It was always interesting to read the profiles, even as I was enrolled in the international dating clubs here in NYC.
Though the tone of your post gives the impression that you are in something of a shopping cart mentality, I nevertheless wish you luck in your quest.

[USA21]

... in response to Re: question about marriage agencies, posted by yorktr on Apr 9, 2005

I know that I have a more penpalcorrspondence with foreign girls about the same age as me via email mostly back when I was like 14 or 15 years old (circa 1998, 1999) and one of those young girls, who is a Japanese girl just over a month older than me, I still keep in contact with and talk to every so often.  We had something of a international/online type relationship going on, and we broke or parted ratehr on not the best terms in the world.  But looking back, I am amazed at how incredibly loyal and faithful Asian ladies are and can be and have the potential even to be. And I believe that's just such a great quality to have. My friend (which she is currently in college here in the US somewhere in Massachusetts I believe is what she told me) at the time we first started talking and what now (we first met from this penpal service AOL used to have back in like 1998 or something like that known as Digital City International Penpals or whatever it was called, and her and I each had an ad in there.  I forget who repsonded to who's ad, one of us did, and we became good friends shortly there after.  I know I was like 14 at the time, soon to be 15, and I don't know if you could call it online/international dating at that age or just simply penpals, but none-the-less, she tought about a few aspects of Japanese culture, specifically how the school year is set-up over there for high school students.   And even though I have a little expeirence already in my life with foreign ladies (my Japanese female friend, she is a very sweet girl and very beautiful I might add), I feel I could always learn more.  Like the saying goes, "you learn something new everyday."  I don't much help a certain Tom Selleck movie about the Great American Pasttime (i.e. Mr. Baseball) could teach one about Asian culture, more specifically Japanese culture.  And I know from my recent experience dating your average, typical American female, that it would be a smart idea to an Asian girl/lady for me to spend my life with as God had originally intended for me.  (By the way, the closest big city me where I live is Chicago which depending on about 4,5, 6 factors, can be anywhere from a 90 minute to 3 hour + drive, and I'm about a good 90 to 100 miles east of Chicago.)  What I guess makes my situation even more ironic, is the fact that my step-dad, who will be 60 years old later this month, served in the US Army in the Vietnam War for about 3 years I think it was.  And he told one time, that he don't like asians at all because in that war some of the VietCong (I think that was the name of the Communist side of the fighting end of the war), apparently killed I believe 3 of his friends.  Now me, I am probably, based on my life experinces (I'm not boasting by the way), one fo the most tolerant and accepting and respcetful individuals when it comes to foreign cultures and beliefs and so forth that you might meet on the internet.  I may not know all the cultures of the world, but I still tolerate them and respect them for who they are as people.  I love foreigners, they are such great people to be around.  Especially hispanics and asians.  To me, those two groups of people are or at least have tendency to be, among the nicest people in the world. When I'm around them, they always nice and friendly and respectful towards as I am to them.  Of course I know I am one fo the more easiest people to get along with and become good friends with.  So I know I should have no problems really becomming a multi-cultural person.  Although I might get confused at times, but hey it's a blonde thing, lol.

Josh

[Luther]

... in response to question about marriage agencies, posted by USAPrince21 on Apr 7, 2005

My suggestion is you wait till you're 41, and in the meantime shack up with (but don't marry) a succession of American women who will love to tell you what is wrong with you.  Once the American women have perfected you, then go looking for a wife in Asia.  You'll have more appreciation for their culture after you learn something about ours, and in the process of compounding your current level of wisdom, you'll come to deserve the respect that a good Asian woman will give you.

That sounded kind of sarcastic so I apologize in advance.  Consider this a bad reaction to your unfortunate choice of "prince."  When I was in the Philippines, I was treated like a king, and I didn't have to proclaim myself one.  I really wish you the best of luck in your search and no I'm not serious about looking for women in this country.  If you join up with blossoms.com you'll have no shortage of Asian penpals so know what you want and be ready to say no to what you don't want.

Don't do like I did and propose marriage before you meet her in person.  No one could get as lucky as I did. In meeting and wedding the perfect woman within less than a year, I might have used up many years' worth of good luck.  If you have the money do like Ray says and go there in person.  If you don't have the money to travel regularly, you should do something about that before you start looking for a woman to support.  If you're not interested in traveling to foreign lands, just marry an American.

In answer to the question that you actually asked, I've heard that Slavic women and Latino women are just as psycho as American women, but of course you can find wacko women anywhere who would be vastly entertained by helping you ruin your life, even in the Philippines where the GOOD women are in my opinion, the sweetest jewel of God's creation.

[Bob S]

... in response to Re: question about marriage agencies, posted by Luther on Apr 8, 2005

"If you're not interested in traveling to foreign lands, just marry an American."

Good point, and important to remember.
For the OP Josh, know that seeking a foreign spouse will involve actually traveling to the foreign country to meet and spend time with her before being able to bring her over to marry (unless you meet a foreign exchange student at your local Uni).  At 21, do you have the financial means to do that?  You cannot order them off the internet and have them delivered to your door, and slap them in a postage paid return box if things don't work out.

Then, once you've committed to a foreign spouse, expect to be obligated to regular pilgrimages back to the motherland. She may want to go back once a year. You will be expected to join her on some of those trips.

If at 21 you are not in a financial position to do that, you might want to consider a job that will take you over there. A lot of guys here had their first exposure to foreign women while stationed overseas in the military (it's not just a job, it's an adventure). While in Japan I met quite a few guys who got jobs teaching English overseas with the purpose of finding a foreign spouse. (You typically need a Bachelor's degree to get a work visa to do that. More on that if you are interested.)

This method is not fast either.  It can take years of searching and trial and error (and error and error...).

So, this takes time, money, patience, and stick-with-it-iveness.  If you're ready and got what it takes, there are plenty of guys across these boards with experience or connections to others with experience in whatever hemisphere you chose to search.  If you're not ready yet but feel you will be in a few years, you can still start your research now and stick around till you are (I read the archives of another board for a year before buying my first batch of addresses 8 years ago).  Odds are, this forum or ones like it will still be around when you are ready to head overseas (at least until every AW has bought and read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands").

[Bear]

... in response to Travel, posted by Bob S on Apr 8, 2005

bought that book for Honey - never read it ;-(

[Bob S]

... in response to Re: Travel, posted by Bear on Apr 8, 2005

most Asian women don't seem to need it.
8-)

[Jeff S]

... in response to Fortunately,, posted by Bob S on Apr 8, 2005

Good book, but I don't think Dr. Laura needs to bother translating it into Japanese. Readers would just think she had a firm grasp of the obvious.

- Jeff

[Jeff S]

... in response to Re: question about marriage agencies, posted by Luther on Apr 8, 2005

Go, Luther, go.

Here's required reading for all single guys: http://nomarriage.com/

- Jeff

[Luther]

... in response to Re: Re: question about marriage agencies, posted by Jeff S on Apr 8, 2005

Two quotes from the website that Jeff recommended:

"Furthermore, majority of relatively happy marriages are among very religious people, people choosing to live a simple lifestyle, people living in the rural South/Midwest, and recent Hispanic immigrants. If you are a normal American guy living in a large metropolitan area marrying a normal college-educated American woman who is looking for the American dream (a nice house, kids, good life), then you are extremely likely to either get divorced or trapped in a miserable marriage."

"Women to avoid are women interested in Career, Personal Success, Personal Growth, Finding Themselves, and Self-improvement."

Jeff, you should know better than to encourage me, if you had known what my day was like you wouldn't have, but it's too late.  Believe it or not my day was SO BAD that I have nothing better to do than RANT, plus it's three beers later and that's one past my limit, so here goes.

Those were a couple quotes from the no marriage website you recommended (above).  A website that reminds me of some of the stuff on this Planet Club website that attracted me to it after I realized that the American women on eharmony.com were not looking for love, but for a fantasy superman to idolize first and reject later (="let's play games" as per Josh's relevant comment).  When some of my relatives' first reaction to my finding an Asian sweetheart was, "Be careful, you might get scammed," my gut reaction was, Thank God those women on eharmony didn't write me back, or I might have ended up with one of them.  My other gut reaction was, Oh jeepers, finally my family has something to say to me.  Because it is a sad fact, brothers and sisters, that the fall of the traditional family is synonymous with the advent of the "myth of freedom" in regards to family obligations.

You all know that I am not a Republican, not a "conservative," whatever that is, not a right-winger, etc, and here I am spewing family values.  I know whereof I speak.  I am an old hippie from a very liberal family.  A DYSFUNCTIONAL family whose six nuclear members live in four different states and five different cities.  I was told all my life that I could be anything I want when I grow up, I could go to any college I want and choose any career.  When I turned 18 my career was chosen for me and I was thrown out of the house in the general direction of anywhere but here, after no career counseling from my parents and nothing to go on but enough money to buy either groceries or marijuana, my choice.

And I am telling you that the most important term in my vocabulary, since I discovered the Asian extended family and spent a month there to back it up, is FAMILY OBLIGATION.  Compare that to the myth of freedom ("you can do whatever you want"...HORSESHIT!).  Family obligation is the greatest joy of my life.  A woman who would actually be SURPRISED if I didn't love her, instead of one who EXPECTS me to not love her so we can WORK IT OUT with the new self-improvement technique she has just discovered at the bookstore...

I have experience with artificial extended families, ranging from communes to groups of roommates working in a cottage industry, and nothing about living alone like a "free" American bachelor ever compared with the vastness of the communal experience.  So when I arrived in the Philippines and found hundreds of related people apt to drop in on each other without notice and WELCOME to do so, and found three related nuclear families living under one roof and four more related nuclear families within shouting distance, I was ecstatic.  I felt that I had reached the pinnacle of success as a human being to put 8000 miles between me and the American idea of family obligation, which is roughly something like: maintain a good credit rating and gouge your customers for as much as they're good for, to insure the best possible school for your children, preferably on the other side of the country so you don't actually have to deal with the narcissism that you've bred into them by promising them the moon since the day they were born.  But spending time with them?

The very existence of the term "quality time" points to the glaring lack of any such a thing in our so-called culture.

In the Philippines my wife's family is lucky enough to own a little land which was divided amongst them by a father who was smart enough to plant fruit trees all over the place.  Not everyone is this lucky.  Let's just say that intelligence breeds the opportunity to love.  In the absence of intelligence, poverty is a horrible thing.  But because my Philippine family owns fruit trees, and in spite of the fact that they have no expendable income, no money in the bank, and nothing to fall back on, they do have time to spend with their children.  They do not need to pull a major freak out or seek counseling for every little problem that comes up, because they have each other.  A wealth of aunts and uncles and second cousins exists as a resource that is readily tapped into.  Asking someone for advice or for a favor is a natural consequence of the fact that you helped that person out yesterday.  Family obligations?  Americans only THINK they are allergic to duty; they only think they are free.  In reality they are alienated, bolstered by toys and expensive entertainment, prisoners to the huge overstuffed homes for which they will owe for the rest of their lives, and if at any point this country should lose its hold on the world economy, we would all be a bunch of helpless misfits with bitchy wives and itchy trigger fingers eager to kill each other off, because we know nothing of togetherness that would do us any good in a real crisis.

What if that $30/hr job suddenly disappeared, along with the social security system, the unemployment insurance, etc?

Affluence is a poor subsitute for family.  It's no substitute at all.

I guess I started out to say that Western women are helpless as wives because they come from an unstructured nuclear family situation where they are raised by TV and daycare, not by a mother or Lola.  The myth of freedom (as opposed to family obligation) insures us that we can pursue careers and let our children's training fall where it lies.  (In the gutter, or whatever you want to call the lowest common denominator.)  Being addicted to privacy and allergic to family obligation means very simply that our women are going to be useless mothers because they are too busy, angry and competitive, and our men are going to be useless fathers because in order to compete they must lack a conscience.

It is not just American women who don't know about the JOY of family obligation and the fulfillment of having nothing better to do than to live amongst their kin.  Men are as deeply affected, and you can consider yourself lucky if you even recognize the problem enough to seek a woman with traditional values.

All this from a hippie liberal.  So much for stereotypes.

[Ray]

... in response to 3 beers later..., posted by Luther on Apr 8, 2005

Wow Luther! Those must have been 3 VERY large beers! LOL

I suspect that perhaps you are still caught up in a sort of ‘state of euphoria’ after your first trip to the PI. It may not turn out to be the “paradise” you think it is. After you spend a little more time over there, you may just find out what that “FAMILY OBLIGATION” thing you so admire is really all about.

It may work well in some families and you are very lucky if it is really as it seems in your new family. What I have found over the years in a large percentage of Filipino families is something quite different from what you see as “family values”. All too often in the modern Filipino family you are likely to find one or two family members doing all the work and supporting an assortment of lazy unemployed siblings. The female family members usually produce most if not all of the family income while one or more of their brothers (or even their parents) shame them into supporting them while they piss it away on beer, gambling, and women. “Family obligation” too often simply means exploiting the single women through a cruel system of “shame”. The pressure on the ladies can be overwhelming and if they don’t submit to the ‘system’ through shame, they are often physically beaten until they cooperate. This is the ‘dirty little secret’ in many Filipino families.

When you are living there, keep your eyes and ears open. Look at which family members are employed and which are sitting on their butts reaping the benefits of their labors. Look at which family members are working their asses off overseas working as maids and nannies. Look at how much of their income goes into savings for the future or used for their own benefit. Look at how many of those women are dying to get out and immigrate to that evil capitalist USA that you seem to despise so. Look at how many of those Filipino immigrants to the USA later return to live in the Philippines voluntarily.

Take a good look at some of your friends and neighbors while you are over there and you may just come away with a very different perspective. Anyway, I’m sure your new family is not included in that description, but do beware of those unemployed brothers and other relatives who always seem to have a “problem” and need your help. You may even have to take the heat off of your wife by taking on the roll of the “bad guy” who can say NO to them.

I know you’ll love it over there Luther. I wish I were going with you! :-)

Ray

[Luther]

... in response to Wake Up!, posted by Ray on Apr 8, 2005

Ray, those are fascinating topics, and I would like to learn more about these things (hopefully not the hard way).  Have you ever lived in the Philippines?  I can't imagine anyone in Jovie's family beating anyone else into submission, and like you say, it is happening in other families and I just haven't seen it yet.

You're right, I have days when I think our capitalist system is cruel to those who don't fit in.  It is not however the fault of the average middle class person who is going to naturally want what is available in our society, because it's there.  I grew up middle class too.  Well, maybe I didn't grow up but you know what I meant.

There are unemployed siblings in the family, apparently the official line is that they're laid off at this time.  I don't think any of them gamble and I didn't see any true signs of laziness.  Well I don't mean to get defensive because I know you're not talking about my wife's family.  I think what you're trying to say is that I have put the Philippines culture on a pedestal and over-generalized the wonderfulness of Jovie's family to represent the rest of a somewhat troubled nation.  My outlook is sugar-coated because I was there on a honeymoon, on a vacation, not living as a Filipino the way that Filipinos live.  Believe me, I saw plenty of very miserable and unhappy people in our daily treks through Davao and surrounding cities.  To be honest, part of me is relieved that Jovie wants to come to the US, because it will motivate me to try for the gravy train again and hopefully avoid repeating previous mistakes.

I am also aware that after a year of living in the Philippines, I will have accumulated many small motivations for giving the US "land of opportunity" another chance.  Ants, mosquitoes, cockroaches the size of squirrels...cold showers don't do anything for the itching caused by the insect bites...being charged a white guy surcharge by taxi drivers and others...public toilets you can smell 1/2 block away...not knowing anyone I can have an in-depth, detailed conversation with in my native language...living amongst people who are so happy that I can't indulge my inner feisty little cuss around them (but then that's what you guys are for, right?  I will enjoy posting to this board once I am over there.)

On a serious note, I have to announce that our baby is not living anymore and Jovie is in the hospital now to have it removed from her womb.  She is crushed but still optimistic about the future.  At least we have proven that neither one of us is sterile.  She is taking it well (for being crushed) and proving once again her resilience and maturity when up against hard times.  Me, I gave up on maturity a long time ago and have settled for getting old, "keep on keepin' on," and do the best with what I have.

[Ray]

... in response to Re: Wake Up!, posted by Luther on Apr 9, 2005

How is the wife doing? I she O.K. now?

Please keep us updated...

Ray

[USAPrince21]

... in response to Re: question about marriage agencies, posted by Luther on Apr 8, 2005

I would love to change my handle for these forum if I knew how.  That was the firs thing that popped in my mind at the time I was creating my account.  lol.  My mind drew a blank at the time.  So I apologize for that being my handle.  You know how I can get that changed?  As far as American women go, I already know at my young age how they can be, I've dated around, maybe just a little bit, but enough for me personally that the last time I dated one, it was nothing but head games, and I thought to myself, "you know what this is stupid.  That's got to be something way better than this."  I've just gotten sick of the attitude of American women.   So by last summer in 2004, I decided to try my luck overseas and just did some researching basically.  And I discovered that this rout of finding a foreign wife would be better for me.  Is there any other information you can give me about blossoms.com?

[Patrick]

... in response to Re: Re: question about marriage agencies, posted by USAPrince21 on Apr 8, 2005

If you want something different, let me know via the board (email is not a realiable way to get in touch with me).