Resource Question

[johnb5]

New to the forum but I have read planet-love's information on finding an Asian lady. Wanted to know if anyone knows of any other resources I can check out before I sign up with an agency. I don't want to get ripped off but I've never done this before. I did a Google search and saw some guides like the one here and the one at bridesbymail and then there are some you have to buy like at mailorderbridesecrets. DOes anyone know of one single place I can go to get all my newbie questions answered? I dont know if it's worth spending money on a guide or if the info at websites is unbiased if it's for free? thanx john

[Bear]

... in response to Resource Question, posted by johnb5 on Mar 28, 2005

Don't be afraid.  If you know a Filipina then your 90% of the way there and chances of success are greatly improved.  I have not yet met a Filipina who doesn't have a relative or best friend they are tryting to get here.  They always have at least 2-3 ladies to introduce.  Introduce yourself and after getting to know her, then ask for introductions.  It is surprisingly easy - really.

Where as many guys have had success at different venues (mine was chatting in mIRC).  Its mostly set a goal and making a plan.  What age (most suggest 1/2 yours + 7 but mine is 26 years younger than me)?, what characteristics?. Be smart or you'll get used like an old wash rag.  DON'T SEND MONEY!  My father-in-law was putting 2 kids through college on less than $90/month so sending hundreds of dollars will cause you pain yet imagined.  If she asking for money, you are being used - dump her. Most good Filipinas won't except money if you tried to give it too them.

Don't be controlling and ask her opinion (probably won't get it) but speak your mine and be firm in your choices (for you or her).  Wimps get used and they have no respect for them.  Some guys will argue with me but I think this is my number one rule.

Ask questions, if you can imagine it then ask.  If its a worry, ask.  Don't be surprised if questions don't get answered.  If they don't understand or its not important they ignore the question and not respond.  If you don't ask then the possibility of problems arising over it will be "your fault".  Don't be obvious to how yout want them to respond because they will answer it just the way you want if they know.

Try to write as many as you can, then start paring it down to a few (3-10) you can go and visit.  Don't lie about writing more than one because chances they are too.  And surprisingly many times its the first guy there who gets the wife.

Tell us something about yourself... what part of the country, age, divorced, kids, career.  We have wives with friends too.  I'd love to help everyone of them but I also feel responsible and protective.  Still we've seen some guys get hurt - BAD!

Suggestion that worked for me (unless your going through an introduction) look for someone not looking for you.

The Bear Family

[Luther]

... in response to Re: Resource Question, posted by Bear on Mar 28, 2005

Bear,

I'd like some clarification, examples really, because I think I only partially understand what you're saying: in spite of the fact that Filipinas have ways of getting what they want, they are not confrontive so there is this thing called tampo, you have to learn how to read their mind because they won't tell you directly, etc.  We've had these discussions before, but I still find it a confusion, isn't it true that the women are really running the show by making the little household decisions and controlling the budget?  The priest and several of our wedding sponsors told me that the woman controls the household budget in a Filipino family.

So the way I see it, it is the big decisions that the man is supposed to make, and this is where "submissiveness" comes into play.  I saw a lot of interactions between couples, and didn't notice much submissiveness, but then I don't speak the language so I could have missed it.  But Jovie tells me it is my decision where we are going to live, that kind of thing.  But in a moment of weakness she told me where she wanted us to live.

As some of you know, I have a lifelong fear of being called a wimp, so is there anyone who can provide some concrete examples of where to draw the line?  What kind of decisions is the man expected to make?  Is my confusion caused by the fact that I was so new to the area that Jovie had to tell me what to do?  Or am I just a wimp?  Or is she a non-typical Filipina?

Examples.  I was given a box of homemade durian candy to take to my American family, by one of my wedding sponsors.  But my Filipino family had asked for some, and I knew they'd like it better than my American family, so I gave it to my sister-in-law.  Jovie objected, and said I had to take it to the US.  I told her it was my decision, and gave it to my sister-in-law.  She "submitted" to my "decision," and then snuck the box of durian candy into my suitcase when I was leaving for the US.  I suspect that this is the way things really are, that the "decisive man" is a straw dictator that the woman sets up to appease the man's ego while she sees to it that she runs the family the way she sees fit.

Another example.  A Filipino man in San Diego killed my friend's son for skateboarding in front of his house, and supposedly his wife backed him up.  That would have to be the ultimately submissive wife.  So if a man runs amok and totally loses it, his wife is supposed to stand behind him?  If I was his wife I would have taken his gun away from him and shot him in the head, and saved the state of California the trouble of feeding him the rest of his life.

Hopefully I will get a variety of responses to this most perplexing and seemingly contradictory cultural issue.

PS, I realize you were using the term "wimp" as a sort of shorthand for some complex sociological phenomenon that was not meant as an insult, and I'm not arguing (too much) about your use of that most unfortunate term.

[Bear]

... in response to Bear's number one rule re: wimps and Fil..., posted by Luther on Mar 29, 2005

My meaning for wimp means that if you let them "use" you then they think you are not anyone to be afraid of and not deserving of what you have, and of course, they are derserving.  You appear to not care so they take it.

I do not see you as a wimp and I'm sure Jovie doesn't either.  You are not letting her use you.  You just tend to make decisions on the fly that aren't well thought out and many have gone against you.  Still I think things through and "Murphy's Law" gets me, or at least it used to.  I think alot of life is just plain learning how to deal with what life gives you.  Sometimes I have to point out all the good things and how it could be considered bad or good from different points of view.  It helps Honey when things don't go her way.  Keep a positive attitude and keep on pluggin'.

As for making decisions, yeah you had better make it and "it had better be in her favor".  Basically, discuss it (kinda like "telling them what you intend or expect) not expecting a respond, then do it.  If you explain your goal properly they usually are fully supportive even when it goes awry.  But if you don't then its your fault and they get all tampo but still loyal.  If they disagree and you know it "STOP", do not proceed untill she agrees or agrees to support you in your efforts.  Communicate and make her too (they usually don't want to) because they see it as causing problems or they just don't know.  If you don't know, should you proceed?  I think not.  Its like pulling teeth to get one to give you an opinion but dude, even if she didn't have an opinion, you had better see she's happy with the result or understanding of why you made it.  They actually call it the "simple life", you make all the decisions their way and without their help.

I really don't see it as much different than with an AM except Filipinas will remain loyal after you screw up but the mood around the house will get quietier.  In 5 years I've always noticed when she disagrees because she gets "tampo-like".  In every case she didn't understand and I had to make myself very clear.  In 4 cases, 3 I decided not to proceed because it would cause more problems than I needed, the other I let her know it was the best I could do and unless she had some advice then it was my decision to make and she would submit and support me.  You can tell she didn't want to but she is supporting me.  Not sure what will happen if it goes awry but she has clearly let me know its not the decision she would make and I suspect if it does go awry her belief and confidence in me will suffer.  That will be hard to deal with.

The Bear Family

[senior citizen]

... in response to Resource Question, posted by johnb5 on Mar 28, 2005

And don't forget that a lot of the Asian wives here may have a sister or a niece or a cousin "back home" that may be looking for an American match.

[Jeff S]

... in response to Resource Question, posted by johnb5 on Mar 28, 2005

Hi John and welcome to the board from me too.

I'll go along with Jay and Luther. If you spend a few dozen hours reading the archives here, you'll probably learn a lot more than you will by reading any books - first because you get the viewpoint of a variety of different people, city folk and country folk, well off guys and poor guys, old & young, rednecks and bluenecks, The Philippines, China, Viet Nam, Japan, Thailand, etc. Second, the information is more current. A five year old book may not exactly have the inside scoop as trip reports from guys just returning home from over there. And lastly, we're not out to make a buck on the info, so I'd trust it to be a bit more "tell it like it is," than someone with a possibly hidden agenda to make things sound more appealing than they might be.

Seems like there are plenty of agencies that sell addresses priced individually with discounts for volume buying. Many will guarantee the addresses are good and will replace them if you get a bad one. I wouldn't worry too much about getting ripped off with Asian agencies.

As for questions, ask away, most of us enjoy tossing our two cents worth in. If you've read the archives, you'll get an idea about the personalities and viewpoints of we purveyors of mail order brides, too.

- Jeff

[Luther]

... in response to Resource Question, posted by johnb5 on Mar 28, 2005

This forum and asawa.org are the best sources for info on Philippines because there are experienced people always ready to answer your questions for free, and you get multiple opinions right away.  Immigration lawyers are kind of useless because they're too busy to give detailed answers for free, and they're trying to sell you something by intimidating you into thinking what you want to do is nearly impossible without buying their help.  That is also a common tactic of some websites that have something for sale, like a book, they will try to scare you into thinking you need them.  And if you buy their book you'll only have one person's perspective.

I'm a newbie too and every time I ask a question about traveling in the Philippines and related stuff, I get a variety of useful responses that saved me a lot of stressful and expensive trial by error once I got there.

Cherry Blossoms (blossoms.com) is good for Filipinas, Chinese, Slavic, Peruvian and occasionally women from other countries.  It's a dating service and you will get lots of women writing to you immediately if you get on, so I put something in my ad to keep away the ones I didn't want.  It's only $20/month and they've been in business for 30 years.

If you are interested in Filipinas, there's a good book called Culture Shock: Philippines, and like Ray says, the archives here are full of info.  There are also guys on this site who have Japanese wives and other nationalities.

[Bob S]

... in response to Re: Resource Question, posted by Luther on Mar 28, 2005

Before I left for my teaching gig in Japan, I was given a copy of "Culture Shock: Japan".  It was a great primer before actually heading there.  I didn't know there was a whole series of the books on other countries.  It might be useful for someone to check into (maybe Amazon.com?), to see if they have one geared toward their destination country, before actually heading overseas, or if they become interested in a woman from a particular country.

[Ray]

... in response to Culture Shock, posted by Bob S on Mar 29, 2005

Hi Bob,

Yep, they have a whole shit-pot full of those Culture Shock! Books. Amazon.com carries most of them. Didn’t Eric read “Culture Shock! Outer Mongolia”? :-)

Since culture shock works both ways, it might be a good idea for the men out there to send their wife/fiancée a copy of “Culture Shock! USA” while she is waiting on the visa processing.

Actually, I found an even better culture educational tool that I sent to my wife in the Philippines and it cost me under two bucks. I sent a complete Sunday newspaper for San Diego. She and all her family really enjoyed that and I understand that they were still reading it for many months. She could see what REALLY goes on in her new home town by reading everything from the weekly crime report to the classified ads. The department store/mall ads gave them a real good perspective on prices for stuff like clothing and shoes, and the classifieds let them see what an apartment actually costs over here. It really gave the family an accurate perspective on American culture and day-to-day life compared to what they see in the movies and TV shows. I found it a very effective way to lessen her culture shock when she finally arrived here.

Ray

[Craigjjs]

... in response to Re: Culture Shock, posted by Ray on Mar 29, 2005

Sorry to be the fly in the punch bowl, but I found the Culture Shock book for Vietnam to be awful.  It was written by a wealthy western woman from that perspective.  I agree that the best place to start is researching this board and others that may be out there.

Craig

[Ray]

... in response to Resource Question, posted by johnb5 on Mar 28, 2005

Hi John,

Welcome to the forum. Which countries are you interested in?

Have you read any of the archives here? You can find a lot of valuable info and there are folks here ready to answer any questions you have. It isn’t necessary to purchase any guides and the information, especially related to immigration stuff, changes monthly anyway.

You can also find a listing of some agencies that sell addresses on the left of the screen. There are also some members who might be able to give you some address info for single and available relatives in the Philippines.

Ray