Children

[jfs]

I was chatting with a Thai woman, who I've been contact with for
a while.  The subject of children came up and she told me she
wanted to have 1 and she wanted me to make her pregnant.  
She said the marriage was unimportant, I didn't have to marry her, and she would raise the
baby by herself and I didn't have to be involved at all.   (In fact, she didn't seem to understand
my desire to be involved)

Basically it made me feel like more role in the relationship would  be "sperm donor", I was rather
shocked.    Has anyone encountered this before?  Is it a common attitude?

[Luther]

... in response to Children, posted by jfs on Oct 21, 2004

I encountered this phenomenon once--not from an Asian woman but from my own estranged wife.  Her plea for sperm was (see Jeff's post) a desperate hope that having a baby would make her a different person.  I failed to take her up on it, but a young guy she knew got entangled, got her pregnant, and while he was off doing what he wanted during her pregnancy (that was the deal, right?) she talked me into letting her move back in and being the dad.  I am something of a chameleon apparently.

But then my phone bills started arriving.  She had told me she couldn't get hold of her missing sperm donor, but it turns out she'd actually been having $50 phone conversations with him using my credit card and the phone card I'd given her to call me if she needed help during her pregnancy.  (Yeah I'm an easy mark.)  So she'd been working on both of us at the same time after she got pregnant, looking for a daddy for her and the baby.

It wasn't the jealousy that enraged me, it was the LIES and the phone bills.  I'd just been getting caught up from the last bout of living with her when she moved back in and my financial world immediately turned to snot again.

By then her sperm donor had returned to the area and was leaving messages on my phone machine begging her to bring her pregnant self into his life, so he got his wish.  Last I knew they had a beautiful baby together, slept in separate beds, tolerated each other in some kind of insane new age system of not caring, and bickered quite a bit.  I hope they live long enough to raise their baby, he doesn't like to work and she pretty much can't.

When she moved out I got that divorce QUICK!

That is the short version...

[Jeff S]

... in response to Children, posted by jfs on Oct 21, 2004

I'd say it's pretty unusual, in Asia anyway. Among American feminist liberals (Rosie, Madonna, etc) it seems pretty normal. Let me guess, I'll bet she seems overly lonely and sad? I'd advise anyone to look for a happy girl. Truth is, most people's basic happiness level never changes throughout their adult lives. Lonely and morose mow, lonely and morose later. Marriage/money/new car/education/divorce/affairs or whatever might change it a bit for a while, but people tend to return to their normal state after a while.

On the other hand, an unhappy person can drag down a happy one in a hurry - either a sad, lonely one or a b!tchy angry one. Plenty of guys on this board can surely attest to that.

- Jeff

[Keith NC]

... in response to Re: Children, posted by Jeff S on Oct 22, 2004

Jeff,

Do you know my ex wife?  Lol.  When you wrote morose and unhappy that described her so well.  When I was in the Philippines the first time to visit her I never saw any of that.  But three months after we were married the marriage was on its way to disaster.  We were married for a 3 1/2 years but only lived with each other for a year during that time.  It got to the point where I was happy to wake up in the morning and go to work instead of being at the house with her.  I am a very happy go lucky kind of guy.  I was so depressed around my ex.  It was like going to  a funeral everyday.  I will be making another trip to the Philippines this coming January to meet a lady that I have been corresponding with for over a year now.  I am more aware of the red flags than before.  So far I haven't seen any but hopefully it will be the same in person.  Thanks for your insight.

Keith

[jfs]

... in response to Re: Re: Children, posted by Keith NC on Oct 23, 2004

I'm curious what where the warning signs?

[Jeff S]

... in response to Re: Re: Children, posted by Keith NC on Oct 23, 2004

I think most guys are happy-go-lucky compared to women. I'm certain we're simpler than women.

How To Impress a Woman:

* Wine her,
* Dine her,
* Call her,
* Hug her,
* Support her,
* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her,
* Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

How to impress a man:

* Show up naked
* Bring beer

[Craigjjs]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Children, posted by Jeff S on Oct 23, 2004

NT

[Ray]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Children, posted by Jeff S on Oct 23, 2004

Women have it so much easier, don't they... ROFLMAO!

[Bear]

... in response to Re: Re: Children, posted by Keith NC on Oct 23, 2004

Funny this subject came up.  I tried so hard to teach my "ex" (and even now, Honey) that the mood they present and the attitude they have is the mood and attitude the whole family will have.  

I hated my "ex" at Christmas time.  All she did is complain about who gave pressents and who didn't and how bad her family treated her.  She totally ruined Christmas.  Funny, while I was always spending huge sums of money trying to make her Christmas happy she didn't do a thing to make mine happier.  In 26 years of a relationship I got 3 Christmas presents and 8 birthday presents.  Just like Democrats, whatever they are complaining about is usually what they're doing.

Finding a cheerful upbeat wife is decent goal.  But I also think that helping your spouse overcome her failings and her helping you overcome yours is more realistic.  My Honey's confidence was so low when we met.  Sometimes I spend hours building her ego and encouraging her.  I am amazed and overwhelmed at how easily the comments of another can affect her (at least everyone's but mine).  It was somewhat the same with my "ex".  

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't look for a "great wife", be a "great husband".  Don't get me wrong, the wife still has to have that "gotcha" to make her the right one for you and I think you know when that happens.  After that its all what the two of you make it.  If she isn't trying to take care of you and listen to your hopes and dreams them she probably isn't the right one and if your not concern for her failings and how you can be there for her to help her deal with them then your probably not the right guy for her (BTW, thats visa-versa on all the satements of that sentence).  

Ask her what she'll do when you spank the children or if you tell her can't work, send money home or cut her hair?  Doesn't matter if you mean it just so you know how she thinks.  Then tell her how you feel about those sme questions.  Find out what motivates her when she's in one of those "moods".  If she doesn't know then run!! If she doesn't know then she is not mature enough to marry.  If she says she's not sure then she's challenging you but she needs to resolve it before you marry.  Not being able to comfort each other is the optimum in reasons for a failed marriage.  I mean come on, who else is there?  There should be no more safer or comfortable place in the world than in the presence/arms of your spouse.  The smallest doubt is to shout "don't get married!" because when your need arises it won't be dealt with and you won't be happy.  By this you can also see if your not meeting her needs then shes not happy.  How few people discuss their needs, wants and desires before marriage.  Then wallow in shock when their wants, needs and desires aren't met.

Willingness, communication and a true desire to make each other happy.

The Bear Family

[Jeff S]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Children, posted by Bear on Oct 23, 2004

Especially abbout being a great husband. That'll get you a long ways. Encouragement and ego building are what it's all about. My guess is though, with Keith's first wife, her problem wasn't a lack of self esteem, but the opposite. She considered herself perfect, and he a slovenly jerk who couldn't function without her presence.

Have you read Dr. Laura's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands?" Anyway, it's Dr; Laura's contention that the women is who sets the tone of the marriage. Plenty of "great husbands" end up throwing up their hands in frustration. It really does take two to tango.

- Jeff

[Bear]

... in response to Good stuff Bear, posted by Jeff S on Oct 23, 2004

I bought the book for Honey but she only read about half of it.  Still I don't worry because I know she loves me.  My "ex" never tried to show any affection other than when she wanted something - at least none that she could make me aware of - of course she said she did when we divorced.  

I can read Honey like a childrens book.  The hair on my neck crawls when she in that "tampo mode", which BTW her "female" doctor diagnosed as PMS and prescribed high doses of "calcium"!?.  It'd be a waste of money to buy anything other than a full size bed because she sleeps the night wrapped around me.  There really is a big difference when you know your loved.

Still when she in those tampo modes most guys would run and if I wasn't tied down I would too - (just teasing).  Its hard to deal with anothers faults except when you know they're dealing with yours.  What else could marriage possibly be for?  Thats all I needed to know when I re-married - that I wasn't gonna go it alone anymore.  I think its called tthe "curse of Adam".

I got a friend whose wife is bi-polar.  I can't comprehend how he hangs in there.  Its so d@mn scary when she goes off the deep end.  I have heard just about everyone he knows tell him to cut and run but he doesn't do it.  He knows his job, made under the covenant of marriage, is to help her deal with it.  I know another guy who was dealing with a spoiled "princes-type" (Filipina).  Took every knock life gave him from lawsuits, bankrupcy, to difficult lonely jobs away from home and a pre-mature child who turned out to be blind with numerous handicaps.  He never flinched and just did it - whatever it was he had to do.  His wife on the other hand b@tched and complained, later ran off with a younger guy.  The dude was in Iraq and I couldn't even find a way to tell him.  More recently another guy begged his wife to come home - must have said it over a hundred times over the phone when she called him to tell him she had put everything in her name including the car and home, and closed the bank account and credit cards.  I wanted to shake him and tell him to stop that he was embarrassing himself.  He's ADHD and diabetic - his now "ex" couldn't/wouldn't deal with it.  I heard him promise no matter what she wanted he would do but it wan't good enough for her.  I'm gonna try and get him introduced to a nice Filipina soon.

Seems to me that its always the guys doing what it takes to keep it together - maybe it is the "curse of Adam".

The Bear Family

[Ray]

... in response to Re: Good stuff Bear, posted by Bear on Oct 23, 2004

Bear,

There is a BIG difference between PMS and Tampo. Maybe the doctor thought you said “tampon” when describing her symptoms? ROFL! She doesn’t need high doses of calcium for tampo, but rather high doses of “lambing”.

I believe only a Filipino doctor could begin to understand what a “tampo” is. No tampos here yet, but our family doctor is a Filipina so if it ever does come up, hopefully she will get a correct diagnosis :-)

Say hi to the rest of the Bear clan,

Ray

[Bear]

... in response to Misdiagnosis!, posted by Ray on Oct 23, 2004

I was the one who misdiagnosed it, not the doc.  I had never experienced PMS and thought her behavior was because of tampo but after about a year noticed the tampo came at the exact same time of her cycle.  When I finally got her to consult the doctor she was told it was PMS and that the treatment was massive quantities of calcium.  The doctor actually seemed upset that Honey didn't make more of an effort to control it.  Honey has some pretty bad boughts that last about 12 hours.  I was even thinking she might be bi-polar until the doctor diagnosed it.  Honey now takes 4 tabs of tums every day.  It has actually made a difference too.  Of course we're trying for the second bearcub so that might have something to do with it too :-)

The Bear Family

[Ray]

... in response to Re: Misdiagnosis!, posted by Bear on Oct 23, 2004

Well Bear, if they come on a regular cycle, then you’re right, they aren’t tampos. Tampos are like earthquakes; they strike without warning and can leave you badly shaken and disoriented. Tampos can also be measured on the Richter Scale :-)

If you have never before experienced PMS, then you’ve been a lucky man up to now. I don’t know about the calcium treatment, but I have found that a couple of shots of Tanduay Rum can greatly reduce the effects of a bad bout of PMS. If she won’t drink it, then you can drink it yourself, as the desired affect (from the man’s perspective) is nearly the same in both instances. Second choice after Tanduay Rum would be San Miguel Beer, which is almost as effective.

I wish you luck in your quest for another Bear cub. I’m sure that all of your ‘hard’ work will pay off :-)

Ray

[Scott]

... in response to Children, posted by jfs on Oct 21, 2004

[This message has been edited by Scott]

It's happened a few times, and I always beleive it's a trap.  I can have no respect for anyone who would even consider using their own child as an economic tool or weapon to entrap, entice, coerce.... anyone.  Better check the law to see if she can come after your $$$ later.  We have lots of agreements in internatinal law with a great many countries.

Oriental culture is a little bit scewed when if comes to treatment of the female.  I consider most Asian cultures to be quite thirdworldish with respect to human rights and decency, despite their econimic power.  I beleive the feudal mantalty of the past still permeates their traditional scocieties.

Better yet, dump this one FAST FAST FAST before you become entangled.

You sure, absolutely cross-your-heart positive she doesn't have a un in the oven right now?