Benefits of Love

[david hagar]

We are all primarily benefit-seekers. Nearly every relationship we enter is because of the benefits we will derive for ourselves or for those we care about. Seldom do we enter relationships because of the responsibilities involved.

Consider marriage. Why do we get married? Because of the benefits. Right. We're in love and we want to be together. We aren't making the decision to get married because we are excited about all the responsibilities of caring for one another "till death do us part", "in sickness and in health", etc. The load of responsibility is not what attracts us to the relationship of marriage. We are seeking the benefits. We want the privileges of the relationship.

Beattledog

[Bear]

... in response to Benefits of Love, posted by david hagar on Jul 19, 2004

I you spend 5 minutes in a year thinking about yourself then the marriage is doomed.  1) You're thinking about your own needs because no one else is and/or 2) you are selfish and you put yourself above the others in your home.  Before you get married is the time to discuss and talk about your needs, expectations and wants as well as your dreams and what you want to provide.  Once married, 110% of your day had better be thinking about your spouse and family (note that leaves no time for yourself and you have to find more than you have to do a proper job for them).  If you pick well then she/they are doing the same for you but if not then you have committed yourself to years of being "the sole self sacrificer".
THE benefit od marriage is to have someone to care and provide for.  If you picked well much of your reward in life is here on earth but if you didn't then your reward will be in the afterlife.  Irreguardless you don't quit and run or change the terms.  The responsiblity for the choice was always your own.

Bear, Honey and Lil' Bear

[Jimbo]

... in response to Benefits of Love, posted by david hagar on Jul 19, 2004

-Why- did I choose to love my wife?  Because I felt that deep human need to love and be loved.

"The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved." -Victor Hugo

-What- do I love about my wife?  I love her for who she is, warts and all, and who she becomes as she grows in life.

"Love is not love that alters when it alterations finds." -Shakespeare

-How- do I love my wife?  By trying and learning every day; it's not always smooth and easy.

"Love one another and you will be happy.  It's as simple and as difficult as that." -Michael Leuning

-Benefits?  Among those that were unexpected:

"To love someone deeply gives you strength.  Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage." -Lao Tzu

Jim --well, the 5 year anniversary is right around the corner and I'm feeling a bit mushy I guess :-)

[Jeff S]

... in response to Another crack..., posted by Jimbo on Jul 20, 2004

Many congrats, Jimbo & Sally, and best wished for many more.

- Jeff

[Jimbo]

... in response to Has it been that long?, posted by Jeff S on Jul 21, 2004

Doesn't seem so long.  But those first two years were a challenge, just as you've said more than once.

Each person has a unique set of habits, assumptions, behaviors, emotional reactions, baggage, etc.; you only get to see a piece of the iceberg when you make the the decision.  The more time you spend together, the more you see.  But living with someone in marriage is the ultimate closeness - then you really get to know a person.  That's the time when the committment to success comes in.  It's easy to walk away: "She's not the right one."  It's a lot more difficult to look inside oneself, look at your own baggage, and cultivate some acceptance for the unique ways of your spouse.

Just my .02 there,

Jim

[senior citizen]

... in response to Benefits of Love, posted by david hagar on Jul 19, 2004

Let me have a crack at this dead horse.

The responsibilities of marriage can be and usually are as pleasurable as, and interchangeable with, what you look upon as "benefits".

I derived pleasure from providing for my family, in being the alpha male in the house. I also believe that almost all couples who go into a marriage are fully aware of the responsibilities as well as the benefits. Much of the responsibilities are in fact benefits. Being the breadwinner and having the rest of the household looking up to you for that is a definite pleasure. Having your wife ensure that supper is on the table at six, because "father is hungry from working to provide for us", and having your slippers brought because "father is tired of being on his feet all day to provide for us" are also benefits and pumps up your self-esteem no end. Seeing the smile when your child gets off their braces with perfectly straight teeth that you paid for is also a boon. Seeing your kids (and wife) graduate from college that you paid and saved for warms the heart as well. Every hour of overtime I worked while the kids were in college was another day of college for them. Same for Honey's college.

Being the provider gives you status not only in your home but also among other males. It increases your standing in the pack. When other men see the picture of your family and take notice that your lunch is always packed with a note from your devoted wife, they have a higher opinion of you. When they hear that you have supper on the table as you arrive home, and that when you work over, your wife waits to eat until you get home so that you may eat together (she feeds the starving pirhana-like teenagers at the regular time - we wouldn't want unnecessary cannibalism), they also give you more credit. When they hear that she is sure to look nice for you when you arrive home, brings your slippers and a drink after supper and waits until you have digested a little before she tells you about the day she had, they get jealous. They ask if your wife came from Stepford, and you just smile.

Plus it drives feminazis at work wild with indignation.

That is also pleasurable, believe me.

[Jimbo]

... in response to Re: Benefits of Love, posted by senior citizen on Jul 20, 2004

..

[NOX1967]

... in response to Benefits of Love, posted by david hagar on Jul 19, 2004

I think a good marriage should be a real symbiotic relationship. Sure we get benefits, and we look for partners that can give those benefits, but at the same time we also want a partner who can accept and appreciate the benefits we have for them. As Ray said, if you only want the benefits there are other options. Personally I enjoyed those benfits myself for a while and found it unfulfilling. I wanted that symbiotic, natural relationship. I believe I found that in my fiance. She has great strengths were I lack, and I have strengths to cover her weak points. That's the kind of teamwork based relationship I wanted. The emotional context of love then brings those things together for us.

Ron

[Bob S]

... in response to Re: Benefits of Love, posted by NOX1967 on Jul 20, 2004

"we also want a partner who can accept and appreciate the benefits we have for them."

I agree.  I think that on some level, all mature adult men have a need to feel useful and appreciated for what we have to offer and the effort we put in to fulfilling our responsibilities.

[Ray]

... in response to Benefits of Love, posted by david hagar on Jul 19, 2004

“Why do we get married? Because of the benefits.”

Huh? Which benefits are those? Love? Sex? Companionship? A clean house? Home-cooked meals? Children? Certainly not for the tax benefits!

I believe that a guy can have virtually all of the “benefits” and “privileges” of marriage without making the commitment of a legal union and certainly at a smaller cost. No, I think responsibility and a sense of commitment is precisely why we get married. For those afraid of the responsibility, there is always shacking up, hookers, maids, cooks, escort services, blow-up dolls, etc…

There is only one possible exception that I can think of: The immigration benefits accorded to those that choose a foreign partner. Even then, I know a lot of guys shacking up with divorced foreign gals who came here on someone else’s commitment.

A marriage based on selfish motives is a less-happy marriage and has a much greater chance of failure, IMHO.

Just my $.02,

Ray

[Jeff S]

... in response to Benefits of Love, posted by david hagar on Jul 19, 2004

.. that the respondents on this board all disagreed with you while the respondents to the very same post on the Latin board all agreed?

I tend to disagree as well. Caring for another or others isn't some necessary evil you have to do in order to reap the benefits, it's something that can have its own rewards. Truly good mariages aren't a matter of giving in order to take, but giving for giving's sake and expecting nothing in return. That's what makes really happy marriages, in my never to be humble opinion.

- Jeff

[stefang]

... in response to Isn't it interesting...., posted by Jeff S on Jul 20, 2004

Well you should not stereotype all of us on the Latin board as guys
looking for what they get from a relationship. Truthfully I think a lot of
the guys on the Latin board are what you say, but they seem to have the
American culture sickness of what do I get out of this for me attitude.
That is the society that we have today and it is why I wanted a foreign
wife. The reason why are divorce rate is so high here is the selfishness of
todays Americans.

[Jeff S]

... in response to Re: Isn't it interesting...., posted by stefang on Jul 20, 2004

I wasn't stereotyping everyone on the latin board, just pointing out how different the responses were there than here, nor was I trying to draw any conclusions. Just thought it was interesting and titled my post as such.

It seems like way too many people these days are concerned about me me me. My daughter is an insurance adjuster and she was shocked last week when a young girl mowed down three pedestrians, a mother, and her two young children. The son was killed and the daughter will have permanent brain damage. The driver was most concerned about when her car was going to be fixed and never asked about the condition of the two kids. Really sick. Obviously an extreme case, but indicative of the direction our society is taking.

- Jeff

[Ray]

... in response to Isn't it interesting...., posted by Jeff S on Jul 20, 2004

But were you really surprised? I wasn't.

I agree wholeheartedly with your humble opinion on happy marriages Jeff!

Ray

[Bob S]

... in response to Benefits of Love, posted by david hagar on Jul 19, 2004

On some level, I think that in agreeing to marry (as opposed to sequential shack-ups with assorted honeys that would give us the same benefits), we are looking to take on responsibilities that will enhance and mature us as individuals and give our lives meaning.  No longer is my work merely to provide funds for my next vacation or big boy toy.  Now my labor is to provide funds to support what will hopefully be a growing family.  I cannot look forward to going to Vegas quite as often since I am the sole provider for my little family and we are saving for a downpayment on a condo in the hopefully near future, but still, getting up to go to work each morning has taken on a more noble purpose.
Just my humble opinion.