Mail versus Internet

[Confused]

Hi,

I have a paranoia question.

I started chatting with a girl/woman from Yahoo.  She seems nice.  We have chatted off and on for maybe 6 months.  Nothing regular, just when we are both on; me when I have time, she when she can get to an internet café.

The reason I have not pursued, is 1) time/money, but more importantly 2) a fear I have in my head.  When we first started chatting, and after a somewhat reasonable period of time, she asked for my address.  I gave her mine, and she gave me hers.  She sent a letter or four.

She seemed very insistent that I send her mail.  Now I am not opposed to sitting down and writing a letter, but her insistence struck me as odd.  So I guess I got a little weirded out by it.  I guess I could not figure put why in a world of instant internet, she would be so fixated on letters.

Is the whole letter thing a big deal with women from the Philippines?  Am I missing something?  Or….is there some other reason why it is so important that she have physical things (letters, pictures, etc.) from me?

I have zero trust in women, or more specifically, I have zero trust in my ability to pick decent women, so I am in general a little gun shy.

Jim

[Stephen]

... in response to Mail versus Internet, posted by Confused on May 9, 2004

Here's what I think....just my opinion....no more.

I have a 29 year old sister-in-law in the Phils.  She has to work for a living.  So first, she doesn't have time to go to an internet daily and sit and talk. Secondly, she doesn't have the money to do it.  ( You know who is paying for her to use the internet and talk to Yankees?  I am.  I've found myself wondering "Why are Yankees so stupid as to think that poor Filipinas have the Time and money to pursue constant constant internet conversation.)

My sister-in-law need someone who is willing to write her.  That practical.

Have you ever put yourself in her shoes and tried to think about it from her angle?  If you were her, would you have the extra money needed to get to know you over the internet?  Quite possibly not.

Stephen

[gregas]

... in response to Re: Mail versus Internet, posted by Stephen on May 10, 2004

How about going on a 6 mile run with me instead of eating. Americans are getting tooo Fat lol

[andrew99]

... in response to Re: Mail versus Internet, posted by Stephen on May 10, 2004

The point made was that it's common for girls over there not to have time or money to be floating around on the Internet chatting to people.  However, he met this girl on chat.  So apparently she had time and money to be on the Internet chatting so there seems to be a contradiction here.

Since marriage agencies are dishonest and nobody should use them, according to what I've read, how are you going to meet someone whether it's snail-mail or Internet, unless you meet each other in the Philippines or meet through a friend?

So what is the point of arguing snail-mail or Internet if neither method is an acceptable way to be introduced to somebody?

[Jeff S]

... in response to Something doesn't make sense to me, posted by andrew99 on May 10, 2004

We did an informal survey a while back of the married people on this board. About 50% met their spouses through introductions from friends, about 25% met by having purchased addresses from an agency, and about 25% met accidently (or rather, the usual face-to-face way) while the man was visiting the lady's country. Only 1 (as I recall less than 5%) met from internet chat.

I'm not sure where you got the idea that marriage agencies are dishonest and nobody should use them. Plenty of people here have bought addresses from "agencies" (really pen-pal sites) and met lots of nice girls that way. Some found their wives by being introduced to a friend or relative by a pen pal they'd been writing to and when, for some reason or another, the original pen pal didn't work out.

The guys who spend a lot of time in the PI say it's very common to see a half a dozen giggling school girls clustered around a computer in an internet cafe, pretending to be an interested, available lady, chatting with an unsuspecting gringo. Personally, I'd be wary of chat rooms until you've met someone, or at least exchanged some e-mails, photos, and enough personal information, you can tell if she's for real.

Just a few thoughts,

- Jeff

[Stephen]

... in response to Re: Something doesn't make sense to me, posted by Jeff S on May 11, 2004

Tess gets back on May 20.  She's been in the PHils since April 8.

The house is clean and the clothes have been washed.  But she's gonna have some serious ironing to do when she gets here.

Let's have lunch when she gets back.

Stpehen

[Jeff S]

... in response to jeff..., posted by Stephen on May 11, 2004

You bet Stephen. I'm up for it.
- Jeff

[Ray]

... in response to jeff..., posted by Stephen on May 11, 2004

Did you remember to clean under the rim in the toilet bowls? :-)

Ray

[Jay]

... in response to Re: Stephen..., posted by Ray on May 11, 2004

I guess you could call that a "Rim Job". ;-0

J.

[Stephen]

... in response to Something doesn't make sense to me, posted by andrew99 on May 10, 2004

ANDREW:

The point made was that it's common for girls over there not to have time or money to be floating around on the Internet chatting to people. However, he met this girl on chat. So apparently she had time and money to be on the Internet chatting so there seems to be a contradiction here.

STEPHEN:

She's been to the internet a few times....but does she have the time and money to do it daily?

My specific point was my sister-in-law.  She is from Butuan City and lives in Manila with a sister.  She is a sales clerk.  She would like to marry a Yankee, so Tess and i have put her on a couple of sites (Filipina Heart and Cherry Blossoms).  When these guys contact her I AM THE ONE WHO IS PAYING THE INTERNET BILL.  She doesn't have the money to do this.

Now suppose she meets a guy who likes her....do you think that I want to continue paying for her to do Yahoo Messenger with him?  I think if he's interested in her, then he ought to pay the internet bill.   I also think he should call her and write her if he's interested in her.  That's his responsibility.  

There was a person who posted several months back about how he was chatting with Filipinas daily and he has a set of rules for them  One of the rules was that the lady had to be available each day to chat with him.  Andrew....I'm not going to pay for my sister-in-law to chat with a stingy man like that.  He should realize that the lady is a member of a 3rd world country and has to work hard for a small amount of money.  He's asking too much for her to shell out 10-20% of her income to speak to him.

Now that's just my opinion.  You may think differently.

Certainly if you insist on going internet-only then you are going to miss out on lots of good gals from the provinces and those who can't afford you.

Also, by the internet approach you stand a bigger chance of meeting a con-artist.  Con-Artists can afford to hand around the internet cafes....that's their work place.

ANDREW:

Since marriage agencies are dishonest and nobody should use them, according to what I've read, how are you going to meet someone whether it's snail-mail or Internet, unless you meet each other in the Philippines or meet through a friend?

STEPHEN:

By "marriage agencies" I assume you are talking about agencies who sell names and addresses.  If so, then I think you have heard wrong.  I had no trouble finding good names and addresses.  (That was about 4 years ago).  I would recommend this way.

And email is also a legidimate way to go.  A guy on here named Art/Bear went that route and found a fine lady.  (But again, you are fishing in a smaller pond.)

And going to the Phils is also a legidimate way to go.  A guy on here named Tom Neall went that route and found a fine lady.

The recommendation-of-a-friend approach is also tried and proven.

There's just a lot of good ways to meet a lady.  Some are better than others.

ANDREW:

So what is the point of arguing snail-mail or Internet if neither method is an acceptable way to be introduced to somebody?

STEPHEN:

As I stated earlier...I think some ways are better than others.  And again, I don't want to have to pay for my sister-in-law to have to get to know you.  I think you ought to assume that much responsibility.

Perhaps I'm just upset and a tight-wad in this matter.

Other opinions welcome.

[Stephen]

... in response to Re: Mail versus Internet, posted by Stephen on May 10, 2004

You're not romantically interested in her.  She wants to invest more in you than you are willing to invest in her.

Stephen

[Ray]

... in response to Mail versus Internet, posted by Confused on May 9, 2004

Hi Jim,

Yes, I think you are missing a lot and I think you are making a big deal out of nothing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this lady. She asked you for your address and a response to her letters, not a Nokia cell phone or an air conditioner!

Letter writing is still popular in the Philippines with maybe the exception of some of the younger generation. Receiving a letter or greeting card in the mail, maybe with a photo or two enclosed, is much more romantic and more substantive than reading an e-mail or chatting online. Taking the time and effort to sit down and write a letter shows your willingness to do little things to please a lady. Do you send her regular e-mails? Have you ever called her on the phone? Did you send her a Christmas card, Valentine card, or birthday card?

If you are going to court a lady by long distance, then you should be willing to write letters, make phone calls, send flowers and cards, write regular e-mails, and generally go the extra mile to make her happy and show that you care. She probably spent many hours writing those letters and put a lot of effort and caring into them. She did that for you! A gentleman would respond to her letters and she is probably just very disappointed that you don’t seem to care enough to do that small thing for her. Can’t you even afford the $.80 for a stamp? How about a $5.00 phone call and 30 minutes of your time??

It sounds as if the lady is interested in you but you don’t sound at all interested in any kind of serious relationship. I think you should tell her VERY clearly that you have no interest in pursuing this relationship beyond an occasional friendly chat on line so she won’t get her hopes up only to be let down. I think you at least owe her that much.

Ray

[Confused]

... in response to Paranoia?, posted by Ray on May 9, 2004

Yes, I see your point.  I agree with what you have to say.

[HaroldC]

... in response to Mail versus Internet, posted by Confused on May 9, 2004

[This message has been edited by HaroldC]

I think I dated one of those! LOL

The explanation is probably simple- she can't afford to hang about the  Internet Cafe hoping you will show up. Of course, 'physical things' will prove you are more serious than the average chatter. This is enough to cause fear? She is not asking for money.

If  such a little 'cultural difference' is going to throw you (you could just ask her these questions, you know), then you are going to be constantly in a tizzy.

I would say, since you claim to have no time, money or trust- and it's going to take all of those- that you are probably not cut out for this. Don't worry about her issues, worry about yours.

[Confused]

... in response to A woman from Yahoo?, posted by HaroldC on May 9, 2004

Not really in a "tizzy", just cautious.  Myabe to cautious, but then ex-wives can do that to you.