... in response to A Question For the Married Guys Here, posted by GregF on Feb 28, 2004Greg,
My situation was similar to yours, in that Doan and I decided to get married before her family had met me.
They did however know of my 'interest' for about 9 months before we made this decision and it was on my third trip to Viet Nam (2nd visit to her).
One difference is that both of my parents died when I was in my teens. Talking to Doan just now she said that it wasn't an issue because of this. If they had been alive it would have been different.
Another difference is that we married in Viet Nam.
I never considered depriving Doan of a wedding with her family. A traditional Buddhist Wedding fitted in well with me too.
Yes, families are important in the marriage process. Traditionally it is more a marriage of two familes, than two individuals. This of course is changing rapidly, along with many facets of Vietnamese culture.
Similarly, for me, I have married into another culture.
Many of my friends in Australia are Vietnamese now. I must understand the culture to understand my wife, her thought processes and her reactions to various things.
Doan's family were very worried when we told them that we were getting married. They worried about Doan coming to Australia. Mostly they worried about her being alone without family to look after her. They had met me and thought I seemed to be OK. But that was no guarantee of anything.
They stopped worrying after Doan had been in Australia for a few months. Once she had some friends (Vietnamese) they knew she had some understanding support. They also saw (heard) over time that Doan was happy here and that her husband was looking after her.
Don't under estimate the concerns of your fiance's family.
You are taking her away to a far off land. A place that invariably (through govt propaganda) they have heard many bad things about. We know all the 'gold digger' stories. While they know all the 'abusive husband' stories.
Have you considered marrying in VN ?
It's very cheap & will keep her family happy. (probably make her happy too) It's also a lot of fun. (though the paper chase and jumping through hoops sucks)
Mal
