Please, Please Help this Newbie!!

[BM]

Hello all,

I just first want to let you all know how much I appreciate the comments and experiences shared on this board. I suspect there are many more like me who have been enjoying the benefit of your experience, but have never posted so my thanks on behalf of the many lurkers too.

Now about me and why I have chosen to post. I have considered this option for many years, although kept it as a plan B to allow some time for things to perhaps develop more “naturally” among the limited options I have available to me right now. Well so far there has not been a lot to choose from, and I have been quite disappointed with the prospects I have had.

Well, the time has come (the BIG 30 is now starring me in the face) and I have started getting concerned about how and when I plan to settle down and have a family. I mean if I do choose to have kids ( I still haven’t decided one way or the other yet ) I really don’t want to be too old as they grow up, say no older than 55 when my kids are 20 so that means I got about 5 years to decide and have kids, unless I choose to adopt ( which I don’t have a problem with ). So, anyways I am basically looking at my male biological clock and figuring I am running out of time, more than that, I really do miss the company of a loved one and the joys of sharing a life with someone you can call your soulmate.

Now here is a little bit of a twist than most of your situations. I am a 30 year old Canadian male, born and raised there who has moved to Kampala, in East Africa a couple of years ago to take over my parents business ( They moved here in 1998 ).

I plan on living here for the next few years at least, and am really enjoying the lifestyle Africa has to offer. Further, I am of East Indian origin, that is my great great grand parents were originally from India, however I really identify myself with being Canadian first foremost as that is how I feel best describes my culture and view of women. I’d be the first to say that India has a deplorable record of how they treat women, and I don’t want to be confused for a second that I am of that type of mentality. I am quite the opposite. I just thought that the fact that I am not Caucasian may also have some bearing on the success I may find through this method of finding a mate, in addition to me no longer living in Canada.

A little more about me, I am about 5’11’’ 160lbs, very physically fit, and I’ve been told also quite attractive. I had a rough hit in the markets when I was very young and built and lost a quarter million of net worth in a year, but I have recovered from that and starting over again with a very good business and some smaller exciting prospects also in the pipeline, so financially I’d say for 30 I am not doing so bad, (no debt, cashflow positive, with a company doing approx ½ million US in sales a year) and the future looks quite promising. I am an ismaili muslim (the most liberal kind there is) and not terribly strict on practicing, I basically believe there are many ways to know God, and each must find their own way, so I respect and have a great tolerance of all religions. My feeling is that it all comes down to few basic rules that are universal across any faith or religion. “Do unto others as you would wish them to do to you,” I think it is.

Women, well I have to say I have always had a weakness for Asian women, I’ve only had 3 real girlfriends, one Korean, another Thai. Something about their feminine qualities both physically and emotionally that really appeals to me. I want a mate who I can communicate easily with although I can be patient to help someone with their English, provided they have enough of a basic understanding of the language to get by in another country. (The national language here is English)

I ordered Gary Clark’s book and audio cassettes 3 years ago before I moved out here, out of my fear that I would have great difficulty in finding someone here, which has turned out to be the case. But I feel things have changed dramatically in just three years, as websites and agencies for this kind of thing are now all over the net! And I guess, my concern is how to find the most reliable and trustworthy sites and services, and what I should do and expect, if I want to make this effort a success.

Also, just another thing I wanted to add, since many who haven’t been to this part of the world often share a similar misconception, life here is not bad, in fact it can be very good. The relatively low labor costs allow most to have luxuries they wouldn’t dream of back home. Ex) Maids, Drivers, Gardners, etc. Also while Kampala is a small town, it still has some of the same conveniences as you find in the west, like Shopping malls, Cinemas, Country Clubs, good Restaraunts, and of course many great National Parks. I only say all this, because often when I spoke to people about leaving Canada for Africa they could not get around the idea of Africa being only what they see on National Geographic. Lol.

I hope I haven’t bored you all with my 1 page personal ad, but I felt it would be best if I gave enough context to my situation, since I feel I am coming from a slightly different background then most of you here. Any advice, suggestions, criticisms are most welcome. I really would like to make a serious effort in making this work. Thanks so much in advance.

Sincerely
BM

[GregF]

... in response to Please, Please Help this Newbie!!, posted by BM on Mar 14, 2004

Hey BM,
 I have traviled through much of Asia and can say that there are wounderful women in any country you look in. Many guys here will suggest looking in PI and yes you will find many wounderful ladies there, but don't rule out the other countries of Asia. I happened to find my lovely fiancee in Vietnam and would not traid the experence I have had with her or the country and its people for anything. Good luck in you surch, follow your heart and just do it;.
Greg F

[BM]

... in response to Re: Please, Please Help this Newbie!!, posted by GregF on Mar 15, 2004

Hi Greg,

Thanks so much for your advice and experience. The Phillipines seems like such a popular choice, because it’s the main one you hear about all the time. But I also understand that their English is quite good relative to the rest of the region. Personally I also find them to have very attractive physical features generally, but I also knew many Vietnamese friends from Canada, and many of the women from there are just stunning! How is the general level of English comprehension in Vietnam, and is there any reputable agencies I could visit there, or at least start corresponding through from over here? The food is great, I bet your wife can make a killer bowl of pho, I love that stuff! Well thanks so much for the encouragement, I really appreciate it.

Sincerely,
BM

[GregF]

... in response to Re: Re: Please, Please Help this Newbie!..., posted by BM on Mar 16, 2004

Hey BM,
   When I was over in Vietnam, I found the general leve of english specking women to be very high. Most girls in their mid and late 20's in any city of any size will be very fulent in english if a little shy at first. Also the Vietnamese girl of this age group are very modern and comfortable with a western style of life. My Fiancee speacks better english then I do and follows the events of the world very closely. Also in my opinion they are by far some of the sexiest women in the world.
 As far as agancies go, I think there are a few opersting in Vietnam, mostly in Ho Chi Minh City. I can not say anything about then as I have no experience with them. In my opinion, your best bet for meeting a good Vietnemes girl would be to see if you can find a Vietnamese friend with a family member looking to meet a foriner.
Best of Luck
Greg F

[Howard]

... in response to Please, Please Help this Newbie!!, posted by BM on Mar 14, 2004

[This message has been edited by Howard]

BM,

Welcome to the board!

Boy, your story sounds VERY familiar!  Except for the Liberal Muslim of East Indian Descent, looking to relocate to East Africa part  LOL

Seriously, I was about your age when my biological clock start ticking at a deafening volume  Personally, I kept ending up in relationships more out of convenience than destiny.  When one would end I would remember this web site (now defunct), go there for an hour or two, browse and talk myself out of it.  I would tell myself that I couldn't make the committment.  I was TERRIFIED of plane travel etc...  I must have done this two or three times before I stopped making excuses and decided to take a stab at a better relationship.

I jumped in with both feet!  I bought snail mail addresses from a website that recruited (I didn't know it at the time) and posted Filipinas looking for Mr Right.  I purchased a few addresses, sent off long detailed letters about my life and waited for the replies.

Now, I will share the rest of this so that you see I speak from expirience both good and bad.  My Fiancee reads this board religiously--I am her favorite author --and tends to get crabby when I share expiriences that pre-date her.  There are reasons as you will see.  

I had a real solid response rate from my snail mail.  It was absolutely overwhelming to me.  Several very nice, attractive, young ladies from all over the Philippines were quite interested in getting to know me.  I was beside myself with glee!  It was honestly one of the best expriences of my life!

After about a year I met the young lady that I thought was the one.  We had been writing for several months when I decided that the only way I would get to know her better was to go there and meet her in person.  I was terrified and exhilerated at the same time.

I went and had a pretty good time.  What I didn't realize at the time was that she was the worst part of the trip.  Sure, she was nice.  Her family treated me well.  The expirience itself was incredible!  And I kinda got caught up in that.  That momentum, and pride, pushed me along a little too fast to keep my wits about me.

I had my doubts, but I chalked them up to simple cold feet.  According to the advice I was given and the information I had to go on, everything seemed fine.  Different Cultures, ya know.

I submitted her visa and we were married about a year later.  THEN, the fun started!

I will spare the gory details, except to say that we were married for two years and most of it was very trying.  I found out that, at first, her mother helped her write her letters and then ended up penning them entirely herself.  Obviously, my questions were not answered truthfully, but with what she thought I wanted to hear.

My Ex took a return trip to be with her supposedly dying father, I have my doubts, but know he was in failing health, and spent our first wedding anniversary there.  I wanted to go, but she said it wasn't necessary.  When it was time for her to return she hid at a relatives house in Manila, estranged from her parents and myself, until Bear and Honey found her in spare time on their vacation to the Phils.

Feel free to think "it can't happen to me, I have it all covered"  That's what I thought  I did not treat her badly in any way.  If you ask most here, I treated her entirely too well.  I did everything in my power to salvage our marriage, but in the end she would only return long enough for me to get a divorce.  Her and I have no annimosity toward each other, our relationship was simply doomed from the start.  There was nothing sinister at work.  It was simply a case of an immature girl trying something she didn't believe would come to fruitition and her parents doing what they thought was best for her, that wasn't so bad for them either.  That's the best way I can sum it up.  I was caught up in the romance, uniformed and taken.  In the end, my Ex stood up for what was right and refused to let her cousin hire a lawyer to try and take half my stuff, but that was very little consolation after everything I went though over the course of Four and a half years.

Now comes the GOOD News!!!  With lot's of self-therapy and help from good friends, here and in real life, I realized that my choices were good.  I just picked the wrong person, for the wrong reasons.

In January of 2003, I met THE one!  Honestly, I was just looking for a friend.  BOY, did I find one!  I joined Cherry Blossoms, at a friend's urging, and hung out in the chat room making friends and making fun of most guys there  

It seemed like all the guys who couldn't pick up a chick in a singles bar, if their life depended on it!, had just gotten new computers and a free membership there ;P  LOL  MAN, the bad pickup lines were flowing!  That place slays me  You'll see if you go  FYI: There are also plenty of good guys there too  The bad ones just stick out more in my memory.

After a few months there I met someone so truly unique that I had little choice but to get to know her better.  Funny, intelligent, warm, compassionate... She had it ALL!  Ahem... HAS it all

I planned to meet her after talking to her every day, yes EVERY day, in chat and via email for six months.  Unfortunately, our meeting was delayed by the untimely passing of my mother.  It was totally unexpected and devistating to me.  I'm an only child, raised by my single mother.  To say that we were close is a drastic understatment.  We were the best of friends and she was my biggest supporter.  Nothing has effected me like her death.  I'm kinda hoping nothing ever will.  Of course, I'm not naive.

It took an additional six months to settle my mother's estate and get myself in any kind of shape for travel.  I also own a small business, so that was a factor as well.

In January of 2003 I arrived at the International Airport in Manila and my life has never been more interesting since

I spent the most wonderful two weeks of my life with Gerlie and her family!  We had fun and found that we got along even better in person than we did on the internet, which we didn't think was possible  We spent 3 days and two nights at a resort that someone here, I think it was Bear, recommended and just had the time of our lives!

I had gotten to know her pretty well in our conversations prior to my visit.  I was pretty sure she was the one before I got there, but after a few days with her, I knew that I couldn't live without her in my life!

It isn't a rebound thing because I wasn't interested in a relationship when I met her.  I'm not swept up in the romance because I have already been through that.  I wish that I hadn't had to go through the things I did before I met her, but it made me even more sure that she is the one now that I am with her.  My only regret is that I wish I hadn't been married before.  She deserves to be the only woman I will ever marry.  Luckily for me, she accepts me just how I am.  Baggage and all

We are waiting to be approved on a K-1 application I submitted last August.  We expect to hear something any day now.  I can't wait to see her again.  She is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me

Advice?  Keep your eyes open and DON'T SETTLE!  I think as long as you are 100% open and honest you will have no problem finding a nice young lady.  Honesty and communication are the keys!

I should stop for now... I've written a frickin' novel!  
LOL

Keep the Faith!

H

[Howard]

... in response to Re: Please, Please Help this Newbie!!, posted by Howard on Mar 15, 2004

... it was Humabdos who suggested the Paradise Island Resort that we went to on Samar Island, just across the bay--is that a bay??? --from Davao.

and one more piece of advise, find a girl from Mindanao, you won't be sorry  Ask the others here  We the Vocal Minority have spoken  LOL

Keep the Faith

H

[Ray]

... in response to Re: Please, Please Help this Newbie!!, posted by Howard on Mar 15, 2004

That was a pretty complete synopsis of your story as I remember it Howard. And I still think you write much better than Primus! LOL

Good advice too!

Ray

[Howard]

... in response to Great Biography!, posted by Ray on Mar 15, 2004

R~

While I love you, I HATE primus ;P

Give my regards to the Mrs

KTF!

H

[BM]

... in response to Thanks Pal, posted by Howard on Mar 15, 2004

Howard,

Wow! Thanks so much for your effort and time you put into that post, so much to think about. I am sorry about your mom, I am very close to both my parents too and can only imagine how terrible you must have felt. But I’m so happy for you now, you sound like you’ve really managed to find a beautiful sweetheart for yourself.

Well, if you don’t mind I got a few questions for you from your post. When you talked about being afraid to make the commitment, what exactly did you mean by that. Are you talking about a fear to settle down with just one woman, or the fear of flying thing, I really wasn’t sure. I am a little overwhelmed by the time commitment it will take, and that is one thing that concerns me at the moment only because I am so busy with my work right now, I can hardly find the time to respond to all the possible people out there. Also while I am quite eager to settle down with that special someone, I really don’t want to rush into anything, because there seems like there could be so many great people I could meet this way. As for traveling out there, I can’t wait! It’ll be an adventure and a great learning experience no matter what the outcome. I have traveled to Thailand and Japan on several occasions and look forward to seeing more of the rest of Asia, only problem would be finding the time and well of course frequent trips would also be expensive.

I also think I fell into the trap (and probably still do) of settling for what is convenient, and this time I wouldn’t want to commit to soon as I usually would, just because I have limited myself to thinking that there just aren’t that many great prospects where I am at.

I am glad you mentioned Cherry Blossoms, because it is one of the agencies I was thinking of using, they were mentioned in Gary Clark’s book I don’t know if you read it and have any thoughts on that one, or Cherry Blossoms as a service. I really don’t look forward to all the online chatting and emailing, all though I guess it’d be far better than snail mail. I just don’t think I come across as well thru emails then I would in person, and I spend so much time at work on my computer, what little play time I have, I’d like to spend away from it.

So, what exactly needs to be approved, is the K-1 application thing basically for her to become a U.S. Citizen? Look forward to more updates on you and your loved one.

Take care,
BM

[Howard]

... in response to Re: Thanks Pal, posted by BM on Mar 16, 2004

BM

Thanks for the kind words.  My mother was one of a kind and has been dearly missed by many.  I will ask of you the same thing I ask of all my friends when the subject comes up, hug your mom once for me and tell her you love her.  You'll both feel a little better

As far as committment, mine was all about the travel.  Compared to you I am quite geographicly challenged  I was born and raised in Detroit and hadn't been anywhere that I couldn't drive to before 1999.  Overseas travel was very frightening, until I did it  Now I LOVE it  I never had a problem being committed to the relationship I was in, even if it was bad.  Being committed to one woman has never been a problem for me, especially if you met my fiancee  I look for the stability a healthy marriage has to offer and ALL the perks that come with it

As far as the time it takes.  For me it was easy.  The time flies when you are working toward something better  I had spent so many years in relatioships with the wrong women that the idea of waiting an extra year for the right one is a no brainer.  Yes, the seperation is difficult, but the rewards are SO worth it.  Ask the regulars, I think I'm the only one still waiting Most are so delirious they can't find PL after they get hitched  LOL

Trust me, Cherry Blossoms and sites of that ilk are the best way to go.  Yes, because of their large memberships, there may be more people willing to say anything to hook up--I'm talking about women AND men--but, there are also more good ones their too.  And if you wanna know the fast track, go to the chat room.  You can spend months writing emails with few replies.  Mention your single and from North America in the chat room and fasten your seat belt!  I love CB.  It did me right  Gerlie has several friends there and in real life that are tops.  I'm sure she might intrduce you to a few if you're nice  hahahahahahaa

I will say it again though.  Use your head.  You are obviously a thoughtful, intelligent guy.  If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. I can speak from expirience and say what many others have told me in the past, when you meet the right one, you will know  When I met Gerlie it was like someone clobbered me with a cinderblock!  I still have trouble believing that I deserve her, but she insists that I do.  Who am I to argue with a pretty woman???

Feel free to ask anything you like, my expiriences are open to everyone here.  I never read a book on the subject.  Everything I learned in the begining, I learned from the guys here.  The rest is from personal experience.  It's my responsibilty to pass on what I know, to show my appreciatation for those who ansered my questions.  That's the way I see it anyway

Hope that Helps

Keep the Faith Brutha!

H

[Jun Encarnado74]

... in response to Please, Please Help this Newbie!!, posted by BM on Mar 14, 2004

Hey, my sister in law is interested in knowing someone right now. I do have his picture if you want to see it. email me so i can send you her picture. by the way, she is from the philippines and 25 years old.my email:  jhunnie@kiteco.com

[BM]

... in response to Re: Please, Please Help this Newbie!!, posted by Jun Encarnado74 on Mar 15, 2004

Hey, Jun Encarnado74,

I saw the pics this morning and I am already so excited about this whole process. She seems like a very attractive lady, I doubt she’d have much trouble finding herself a great husband. It’s hard to perceive too much from a picture aside from looks, but she certainly seems to have a very feminine and sweet look about her, which I find so appealing. I think once I get to putting together some time to review some services and see some of the prospects out there, I’d like to learn more about her if she’s interested. By the way is that you in one of the photos, far left, young athletic looking guy?

Thanks so much.
BM

[BM]

... in response to Re: Please, Please Help this Newbie!!, posted by Jun Encarnado74 on Mar 15, 2004

[This message has been edited by BM]

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[BM]

... in response to Re: Please, Please Help this Newbie!!, posted by Jun Encarnado74 on Mar 15, 2004

[This message has been edited by BM]

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[Jimbo]

... in response to Please, Please Help this Newbie!!, posted by BM on Mar 14, 2004

The ways to meet are varied, as are the opinions of the merits of those ways.  You've got address agencies (snail mail and email), chat rooms, possible contacts with family members in your area, and the "just go there" method.

As for the address agencies being trustworthy or not, I suppose some are more professional than others in the way they conduct business so a recommendation would be helpful.  But I think what you should be most concerned about is finding a trustworthy woman, and the agencies don't have much control over that.  All you can do is learn how to put the odds in your favor, how to maximize your chance for success, and then, with a little bit of luck, you'll be ok.  Luck plays a part, that's true, but the single most important variable in the equation will be your ability to learn how to distinguish a sincere woman from an insincere one.

Beyond that, the odds for success can be increased by paying attention to the matters of compatibility, expectations, and how much time you actually spend with the woman before taking the big step.  Even a marriage to a sincere woman can fail if you end up with a big surpise in one of these areas.

As for me, I got a snail mail address from Cherry Blossoms, picked a woman who was over 30 (I was 44), took three trips over there, and her photo didn't make her look like a model... but I didn't pick an ugly one :-)

Jim