As I sit here eating a bowl of oatmeal...

[Carrisse]

Have you guys tried tuyo (dried fish) with oatmeal?  My hubby is outside right now while waiting for the tuyo smell in the kitchen to dissipate.

First off, thanks May, Kevin, Jeff, FL, SteveB, Ray and others for coming into my defense.  You guys made me a little bit misty in the eyes, I feel like I've found new friends.  Thank you, because of you guys I won the popularity contest in here; hands down! :0

Let me tell you guys and please try to understand why I feel so strongly about Pinays being lumped with gold-diggers and MOBs.  Because not all of us got here that way.  Not all MOBs are gold-diggers and not all gold-diggers are MOBs.  And most specially not all gold-diggers and/or MOBs are Pinays.

We never get the respect we Pinays deserved from all quarters: from our government and the country we have chosen to live in.  Our government never gives a d a m n about  our welfare--they could at least set up a shelter for Filipinas who are abused by their foreign husbands.

Have you guys tried walking  on eggshells?  Yes?  Then try doing it everyday.  That's how I felt living here and being with people not of my culture.  I fear that I will say the wrong things at the wrong time to the wrong people and get sued.

Have you ever been told that the reason you got the job you are now holding is because you are a minority and that the company you're working for is filling up its quota (Hello Affirmative Action!)? Never mind the fact that you are qualified and have the education and experience to back it up.

And when you turn on the TV and there's a feature about your country, within two minutes you realized that they are expounding all the things that are bad in the PI?

Some of you guys don't realize that it is not easy for us to be here but we went ahead and pulled our roots leaving our friends and family because we found the man who will love us and who we love and is willing to spend the rest of our lives with.  And having the opportunity to make our lives and those of our family back home a little better is an added bonus.

So please stop the generalizations.  Take what's good and leave the things that are bad.

Trust your instinct.  This is a unique relationship you're getting into--fusing two cultures is not easy.  Make the best of it.  And when children get into the picture--make them understand the uniqueness of both because they are getting the best of both worlds.

Humabdos, (you didn't think I would mention you, did you?) I apologized for anything that I said to you over at Mag-anak although I could not find that post. But I still think that you need to get a life--I meant it in a good way though.  Get a good life with a new wife.

Carrisse, who've been flamed all too often that she's now all  warm and toasty!

[kevin]

... in response to As I sit here eating a bowl of oatmeal....., posted by Carrisse on Mar 16, 2001

I do feel that I'm walking on eggshells.

First, I think I can understand where you're coming from regarding Affirmative Action, etc.  I think the vast majority of civil, law-abiding people advocate marrying within one's own race/ethnic group.  This includes Anglo-Saxons, and Japanese as well as "cultured" Pinoys who came to this country the conventional way.

Now I can make several analogies about "eggshells".  First, shall I marry again someday, I'd better be darn sure that I'm not going to be perpetually walking on egg-shells.  Towards the end of my marriage, I was always walking on egg-shells as to what mood my (ex)wife might or might not be in.  That's no way to live.  I'd rather live alone than to always be verbally beat on.

Second, after I divorced, I dated and became engaged to a Filipina right here in the states.  She was a nanny for an affluent Filipino couple (her extended relatives).  The father was an engineer/lawer and the mother was a nurse.  They've been in this country for years and lived a very extravagant lifestyle.  I consider myself middle-class and able to live reasonably comfortably.  But to annually rent a time-sharing condo in Disneyworld is way beyond my means.  I don't ever expect to have that kind of wherewithal unless I win Mega-bucks.  Maybe if I get lucky I just might because I do participate in a pool at work when the jack-pot gets up there.

Well, the wife saw me once.  It got back to me that I was just plain no good for my girlfriend.  I didn't dress nice (I wore casual comfortable clothes).  I didn't come over with expensive jewelry to give her everytime I picked her up.  And I didn't take her nice places to eat either.  The way I saw the world was that I thought a nice evening out would be a quaint restaurant with an average price of $30 for two.  Well, in her cousin's mind spendind four or five times that for an evening out still did not measure up.  I took her to a fancy restaurant for her birthday that was suggested, and it ended up costing $134 for the two of us.  I never spent that much on a meal for two in my life.  Needles to say, I didn't buy much in terms of tangible birthday presents such as a $100 pair of earings.  It got back to me after, "What do you see in him?  He doesn't know how to treat you right.  He didn't buy you anything nice for your birthday."

Now, as the egg-shell metaphor applies, I'm courting a Filipina on the internet   I think she is a good woman, and I have given my heart to her.  In my circle, it's pretty much an "in-the-closet" relationship.  I'm very careful about who I do tell and who I don't tell about our courtship. When and if I feel the time is right, I will reveal to folks about this who'm I know won't give their blessing.  It won't be easy, but I've got to exercise my persuit of happiness. For those that are willing and able to accept this, I'm very happy to tell them.  I have introduced Analyn to some friends on the internet.  I think we have something very nice going.  Yet I do have my fears and anxieties.  I hope and pray that time will prove that this is a good and beautiful thing.

- Kevin

[Dave H]

... in response to To be frank . . ., posted by kevin on Mar 16, 2001

Hi Kevin,

You were in love with Filipina#2 and gave her your heart. You even went beyond your means to try and please her. Then the relatives that she works for, treat her like a slave and talk bad about you. Un-Frigging Believable! Their family motto must be a line from Tina Turner; "What's love got to do with it?" One day, if she hasn't already, she will realize that money can't hold you in its arms and love you back. Her relatives are the type of people that bleed you dry and kick you to the curb when they have no more use for you. Even their own family members.

You and I, like many others here, have carefully walked on those egg shells. Never again! I jump on those eggs and scramble them up. ;o))

May #3 be your luck number!

Dave H.

[Ray]

... in response to As I sit here eating a bowl of oatmeal....., posted by Carrisse on Mar 16, 2001

Carrisse,

I figure your hubby will be outside for about 3 weeks if he’s waiting for the smell of the fried tuyo to clear out.

I never tried it with oatmeal (sounds gross!). What do you do with it, chop it up and mix it in with the mush? Or do you spread the oatmeal on the tuyo and eat it like toast with jelly?

Tuyo isn’t bad with garlic fried rice and San Miguel for breakfast, if you put a lot of Tabasco on it. One of my favorite breakfasts when I was living in the Phils was hot pandesal and sardines with ripe mangoes. The Tome Portuguese sardines with the little red sili inside were the best.

But tuyo is so expensive over here. I was just looking at some in the store today and dried squid or dried fish runs between 4 and 7 dollars for a 6 oz bag.

Ray

[kevin]

... in response to Not with Oatmeal!, posted by Ray on Mar 16, 2001

How about fried tuyo with beans.  If you ask me, I don't quite know what tuyo actually is (the dried fish?  I skimmed over the post), but I tuyo with beans SOUNDS like quite a volatile combination.  LOL

- Kevin

[MAY]

... in response to Re: Not with Oatmeal!, posted by kevin on Mar 16, 2001

Try pairing "tuyo"  with this..... chopped tomatoes with  "kalamansi"  (lemon)....and don't forget the garlic rice.

[Ray]

... in response to Re: Not with Oatmeal!, posted by kevin on Mar 16, 2001

Tuyo & beans? You're playing with fire Kevin! Don't try that at home or you'll blow the roof off your house.

Ray

[kevin]

... in response to Forget it Kevin!, posted by Ray on Mar 16, 2001

Well, before I try this experiment, maybe our friend Dave H. can give me some fire prevention safety tips.

- Kevin

[Dave H]

... in response to Re: Forget it Kevin!, posted by kevin on Mar 16, 2001

Ray and Kevin,

It makes me want to fart just thinking about it. 8-O Sounds dangerous! If you must... Extinguish all open flames (including pilot lights), don't allow anyone to smoke in a 500 foot paramater, and keep the house well ventilated. Fill the bath tub with water and remove all of your clothing. Better have the fire department Haz-Mat team on standby. ;o))

Dave "Fire Marshall" H.

[Dave H]

... in response to As I sit here eating a bowl of oatmeal....., posted by Carrisse on Mar 16, 2001

Carrisse,

Throw away the dead fish, put some brown sugar on the oatmeal, and I will eat breakfast with you and your husband. ;o)

First of all, let me say that life isn't always easy for anyone. Even if you are a white middle class man in America like me. There are problems that go along with my being generalized as a group. I am called a WASP, even though I am more Norman than Anglo-Saxon. What Native-American blood I have, is so diluted as not to count for anything.

Have the satisfaction and pride that at least you are qualified for the job you have. I have been told that I scored #1 on the entrance exam to a major fire department, but wouldn't be hired because I wasn't a minority. My application wasn't processed at another, because I wasn't a minority and told to give up. The funny thing was that I was a minority in Dade (Miami) County. Three years later, I was hired at a smaller fire department, after I scored #1 on their test. They were not complying with Affirmative Action at the time. Two of my good friends, African-American and Cuban, were upset that they were promoted in rank by the merits of their test scores, but are now lumped with other minorities that failed or did poorly on the tests and were promoted any way. It is a double edged sword. Affirmative Action was supposed to help qualified minorities that were being discriminated against.

People can threaten to sue you for just about any stupid thing, but it doesn't mean it will hold up in court or even get there. It usually isn't worth the cost involved in pursuing it. Therefore, I would not worry about saying the wrong thing and getting sued. You are more liable if you are a government employee or work for a government contractor and you deal with the public. Even then, I wouldn't sweat it. Our First Amendment to the Constitution deals with free speech. When people threaten to kill me, then I start to get concerned. ;o)

Sometimes I like to try and put myself in other people's shoes. It is not the same as actually living it, but it can open one's eyes. One of the most enlightening I have found is to picture myself as a woman or a Black man and then go about my daily routine. The external stimulus is not there, but internally you have reactions. One day I was going to breakfast and decided to picture what it would be like as a Black man. As I pulled into a local dinner, I noticed an unusually large number of pickup trucks. Some had rebel flags or bumper stickers mounted on them. I sat in my car and almost didn't go in. I only did so after I "transformed" back to myself. Another thing I will do is go to Miami and pretend I don't speak Spanish. I get really ridiculed for not speaking Spanish, in the country of my birth.

I think that most of the guys on the board have good hearts and are well meaning. They would respect, love and treat a Filipina or Asian wife well. The problem is that some of the guys have been burned real bad recently by Filipinas. I mean charbroiled crispy, not warm and toasty. With the exception of Timee (I went the opposite way), they are still looking for a Filipina wife. Therefore, they must have faith that there are still some wonderful Filipinas.

I have no respect for wife abusers, slave traders, Gold Diggers or Green Card Sharks either, from any country. Good MOB men are constantly being grouped with wife abusers, slave traders and sexual perverts by the media, US and Philippine governments. My fiancee was told recently by an Aunt that I should be checked for sexual transmitted deseases. She said "Those Americans like to whore around and can't be trusted." She probably lumped me in with what she learned about some of the American military that were stationed in the Philippines. That hurt, because she seemed to like and trust me. She even gave me a picture of her daughter hoping that I would find her an American husband. I asked my fiancee why she gave me her daughter's picture if she felt this way. She said it was because many Filipinos think all Americans are rich. Perhaps sacrificing one daughter is worth it, for the "prosperity" of the family. Another question I have is with the Japanese presence in the Philippines and women going to work in Japan. After WWII I am very surprised that they are welcome at all. I guess love is not the only thing that conquers all.

This was not meant as a flame. Just my opinions and questions.

Dave H.

[Carrisse]

... in response to Throw away the fish!, posted by Dave H on Mar 16, 2001

I work for a government contractor, if you'd look at my IP you'd see it.  And as a Recruiter, I deal with people alot.

Sacrificing love or personal relationship on behalf of the family is not uncommon in the PI.  What you guys are not understanding is our family is very important to us.  Some Asian cultures are known for ancestor worship and that just shows how we value our family.  It is not uncommon for older siblings supporting the education of their younger bros and sis.  Even aunts and uncles will extend this kind of help to their nieces and nephews.

An aunt of my good friend went to Australia to marry a guy she didn't love.  This is so she could help her family back home to live a bit of a better life.  She helped send her siblings to college.  In time she fell in love with her husband and they have two kids.  Last I heard is they are still together after 25 years.  Is she a gold-digger? If she is, then she is my kind of gold digger.  Did she used her husband? Probably and if I were in the same situation I'd probably do what she did.

I understand your hurt.  When the news about Timothy Blackwell broke out here, many of my relatives thought that I would be in the same situation.  When the news about a husband killing his foreign wife for insurance broke out, many thought that I'd be in the same situation.  It got so bad that whenever they call the house and asked about me, I would always answer; I'm still alive.  And my hubby would answer the same if he happened to answer the phone.  It became a private joke between us.

So we are all in this together, boiling in the cauldron of inter-racial relationship.

[Dave H]

... in response to Lump, posted by Carrisse on Mar 16, 2001

I posted on this sacrifice recently. My fiancee's father helped to raise his younger brothers and sisters (16). He quit school before high school to support his family. He put 10 of his brothers and sisters through college. He put his own 6 kids through college. He never saw his life long dream to go to college himself. His brothers and sisters would always came to him when they needed anything. He would give away the food or only shoes of his own children, because he loved his family so much. His wife would become angry and complain. He said that he could always get a new wife, but not another family. Then he became paralyzed and his brothers and sisters or their children, wouldn't even come to help turn him over in bed. Most live in the same Barangay. His wife was seriously ill and in bed. My fiancee, her brother and other sisters were working in Manila at the time. My future sister-in-law (4'9" and 80 lbs) had to lift a 160 man all by herself. Now that she is married to a Kano, they all come back with their hands out. Because of their parent's illnesses, my fiancee, her brother and sister quit their jobs and moved back to Butuan. The older sister went to Saudi Arabia to make up for the lost wages. When they arrived at their house, their father was already lying in the coffin in their living room. All of the Aunties were crying and the Uncles were so sad. Now they tell me to be generous at Christmas and talk crap behind my back, about me or my fiancee's immediate family. It's OK, my fiancee, her mother, and siblings, are bigger people. They still help when they are sick, hungry or truly in need. But they are not foolish. Sometimes people need to open their eyes before it is too late. Trust me, it is better to marry for love. Let's hope that the "crab" will die one day and the love will go below the surface. I am not saying that it is any better in America. But it is not part of our culture to pretend it is.

Dave H.

[Dave H]

... in response to Lump, posted by Carrisse on Mar 16, 2001

Carrisse,

Register and write a profile about yourself, if you want us to know where you work or other information about you. I don't guess by reading IPs. I am sure that you company must offer a lible/slander course. I used to be an  instructor. I would ask to take it if you are worried about getting sued.

I think that you don't give most of us credit. Many of use are very familiar with the Philippine culture and are still trying to learn more. Why do you defend all Filipinas? I don't defend all white American males. There are good and bad in every culture. Some of us would like to learn more about the Filipinas that might treat us bad and hurt us. The thing that you don't understand about many of us is, that we LOVE our families very much also. I have been raising my two sons for 6 years alone. They are now 10 and 15. I retired early so that I could do a better job of raising them. My income is now half of what it was. I wouldn't want a woman to come into our lives and ruin it. I wanted to spend more time looking for the right woman, than I do buying a new car. It is much easier to trade in a car if you are dissatisfied. Can you blame us for being cautious? I hope that Filipinas would do the same.

I have been in many interracial and intercultural relationships. If you love each other it is not such a big deal. Eventually you hardly notice.

Dave H.

[Carrisse]

... in response to Don't Lump Us!, posted by Dave H on Mar 16, 2001

But I couldn't post so I gave up.

[outwest]

... in response to Lump, posted by Carrisse on Mar 16, 2001

That situation you pointed out, the woman who marries a man
outside of her country , who she did NOT love, in order to
sacrifice, for her families financial future, ....While
a noble sacrifice, for her family, from your point of view,
how do you think a man, in his position would feel, assuming
she left him after a few years......THAT is the reason,
that the men on this board are cautious and share our stories.  
   You say she is not a gold digger for doing that, well
perhaps not in the traditional sense, but any woman who
marries a man she does not love, as you described, it is
a business arrangement, purely financial reasons, and for
her, yes maybe its a good deal, and for her family, but
from the mans point of view who she marries, I know if I
were the man, it would sicken me, if I knew she did that.