Peter Pan and Cinderella update

[Peter Lee]

Peter Pan and Cinderella update

Well I thought I would up date the members who have helped me in the past.  For those just tuning in I am a 59 soon to be 60 in Dec.  I am a German American retired Army and Air-force and Martial Arts Instructor from Daytona Beach Florida.  In Jan 03 I was in Devao and Cebu meeting about 10 ladies that I picked to meet from the many that I met on the internet.  The purpose was to see if any would be someone that I could spend the rest of my life with.   I did not expect to find one on the first trip and none of the ladies I met were the ones to make me seek a serious relationship and marriage.  Until I was invited to a house in the suburbs to meet more cousins and by accident met this young Filipina staying with one of the families.   She was not on the introduction list of ladies to meet but we hit it off better than I expected.   We courted for 20 days and got engaged to show we were more than serious about each other.   The purpose of the engagement was to just concentrate to build on our relationship without a lot of interference.  She was never on any chat line or dating organization.  I am convinced that I was the first man she has ever kissed and a Filipina virgin.   Two problems came up, the first was her age, she looked and acted older than she looked and was surprised to learn she was only 19.   I had dated older women there and she carried herself well enough for me to believe she was at least 23 or 24.  One reason for this I found out later was when she was in school she would be in every contest that was available and it helped her posture and carries herself well.   I asked the board here to help show me how to send money and they suggested an ATM card.   I promised her family I would pay for her last 3 months left of here school and graduation.   So problem 2 evolved as I found out later that she inflated the school tuition fees so money sent to her was more than what was needed.   I also had accumulated about $200 in her atm account to see if she could handle that kind of responsibility.   Well she couldn’t, and I confronted her with what she had done, I told her I talked to the Collage and I know everything.   She was not prepared with any story but she said she wanted to surprise me and save the money for a small business to run while we wait for the paperwork and didn’t want to tell me till later.   In this way she thought I would not have to send her any more money.   This story was a hard one to swallow but remember I did all this to see what she would do with all that responsibility.    I instructed her that what she did was wrong and to return all the money right away.   She returned all the money via Western Union and it was expensive to send money back.   The Western Union guy was surprised as he thought she must be very rich to send money to the US.   I did not expect her to send the money back but she did.   I have to say that I was almost done with her, with all this and too young for me to boot.   But about a week later I was getting more and more email from her, we would chat every other day and then everyday.   Her letters got more mature and more serious.  We are going on our 5th month now and it is a full blooming romance out of the romance novels.   She now has over reacted and will not accept any money from me unless it is visa related as in passport fees and the like.  After the almost breakup incident she totally changed her mind and stopped playing hard to get.  I really liked this girl from the start and now I believe I love her.   I am aware of the age difference and am willing to risk it for a few reasons.  A few older friends here are married to Filipinas and courted them when they were 18,   they are still happily married 6 years later, this is encouraging to me as I see by example and it shows that the age thing can be overcome.  I am a very active guy even with an injured hip and most women 20 years younger do not want to be as active as I.   They will not go sailing for days on the Ocean or ride the bike for hours.   This girl does these things and likes it but the down side is can I make her happy 25 years from now?   I have seen young Filipinas wheeling their older spouse around in the VA center and I would say “look at that” dedication and love to the end.  I am in full hope that this will work as I am convinced we love each other.   Some of the board members do not agree and have said so.   I have purchased my plane ticket for Cebu for July 9th 03, and I plan to marry her in August on our 8th month engagement anniversary.  This board has from the start advised me not to be in a hurry.  I feel that I will be with her face to face 4 more weeks to see if this is going to work.   I will go to the American Consulate in Cebu and get the papers to get permission to marry there.   I know there is a 10 working day wait to get a civil marriage license.   She does not want a church wedding as she thinks it is too expensive.  
I have gotten off board advice from Raquel who advises me to get an inexpensive church wedding, so I will be looking into that.

[Mita]

... in response to Peter Pan and Cinderella update , posted by Peter Lee on May 14, 2003

COngratulations!  I wish you and Cinderella ONLY the best and pray your marriage will be a long and happy one.
Sincerely,
Mita

[don2222]

... in response to Peter Pan and Cinderella update , posted by Peter Lee on May 14, 2003

Peter!!!
Just stop and take some time to think about what you are doing!  What is the need to go so fast after just one visit?
I think you should back off a little, enjoy your upcoming trip to the phils, and take the time to learn more about filipinos, their country and the culture.
First you say you don't want kids, and now you are talking about babies!  Just slow down, there is no need to go so fast.
I am in the phils right now, and I will be here when you return to the Phils. I can promise to introduce to you to plenty of women that are not going to give you the garbage that you are putting up with right now.
Time in the phils is your friend, not your enemy!  Just slow down, and think about your next vacation here.

Don

[Ray]

... in response to Peter Pan and Cinderella update , posted by Peter Lee on May 14, 2003

Hi Peter,

Thanks for the update!

After following your story I think you are a fairly smart guy and I think you have a pretty good idea of what you are getting into. If you are willing to accept the risk and you’re determined to give it your full commitment, then I say go for it.

My only concern would be whether or not she fully understands what she is getting into. If she gets over here and finds out that you aren’t what she thought you were, then there’s a good chance that it will never work. My advice would be to insure that she knows you as well as can be expected under the circumstances. Tell her about all of your major faults and give her every opportunity to back out. If she stays, you’re on your way.

Have you openly discussed the issue of children? Are you ready to be a daddy at your age? Are you sure?

Keep us posted...

Ray

[Peter Lee]

... in response to Re: Peter Pan and Cinderella, posted by Ray on May 14, 2003

I know I am limited in the smart decision department that is why I seek the boards advice and other opinions.   Yes I am determined to give it my full commitment and I know it won’t be easy with a lot of responsibility that goes with it.  
It is a good point about her understanding what she is getting into.   About her coming here and finding out I am not what she thought I was; I went to great pains to be myself when ever possible.   She knows that I rode my bike all around  Cebu city and that I eat mangoes like candy.  She knows that I don’t like air-conditioning and was comfortable living in the village in a rented hut. She knows that in American standards I am not rich and she is willing to work in Manila while she waits for her visa to come thru.   I am half inclined to let her so she can get experience in working for money.   Or I can let her wait in her Aunts house and send her money for living expenses.  She is not happy with that idea and wants to pull her own weight.   What to do?  
She is aware of our great age difference and it is not concerning her as her mom and dad have a 30 years difference.  She knows I am a stubborn guy and that I have a hard time being romantic.   She knows that I have a hip problem that puts me in much pain and may change my personality in time.  She knows I am scheduled for my operation and that it may not work.   She also knows that I love my Martial Arts job more than anything and has accepted the good and bad of my career.   She knows I never drink or smoke or go bar hopping with friends.  At this time there is no telling her it may not work out it is not in her vocabulary.  It is hard to do as you request but I will give her every chance to back out.  Right now she eats breathes and lives for my phone calls chats and emails.   She does not want a fiancé visa, she wants to get married in Cebu, her motive was that her family and friends will see her with me and will talk.   She wants to tell them that I am her husband and she is comfortable with that.  Don’t forget last time I was chaperoned every day with her till I left.  We have discussed children and at first she did not want to get pregnant right away but later she told me a story of her meeting an American guy and his wife in the mall with a year old baby.  She said the mix made the baby beautiful.   So I think she could go either way, I would like to wait till she is 22 or 23 to get pregnant.   My best friend has a very successful Karate school in Miami and finally got  his wife pregnant after many years of marriage, he is 49.  He says Peter you don’t know how wonderful it is to have a child.   Get married and have 2 you will never regret it.  He home schools his boy and teaches him Karate and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu each day.   So as long as my health holds out I will be ok but we talked about that too and as long as I am healthy and able I will care for her.   But we chatted about if I get older weaker or sick  she says she is prepared to take care of me.  Anyway that is where we are but we are in love and love is blind.   What we say now and what happens in reality is what I hope will be what we promised to each other.  
You know Ray I was talking to a married pinay in Manila waiting for a plane to go to Cebu.   This lady was going to pick up her 11 year old daughter she had from her previous marriage to a Philippine man.   She was talking about her older husband who helped her get to the US and how she got such a good paying job managing a restaurant in Las Vegas.   She told me that she was committed to him and would never forget how he was the one that helped her be a success.  She told me that she would never ever leave him and they have been married 8 years.  
Your last question am I sure I want to be a daddy at my age?   Well yes I am sure, but I will not rush it.  I think that she needs a few years of life without a child first.   But I have been a daddy to 80 kids every day so it shouldn’t be to hard.  You know what the mothers ask when they join the school?   Master Lee do you have any kids of your own?   Why not??

[Jeff S]

... in response to Re: Re: Peter Pan and Cinderella, posted by Peter Lee on May 15, 2003

[This message has been edited by Jeff S]

Some members here have that much age difference and even more - Carl, for instance. Still happily married after three years and he's 47 years older than his sweetie. I doubt they're planning on kids, though:

http://www.planet-love.com/wwwboard/asian/archives/display.php?archive=000109&id=36037

I have to agree with lswote, though. I'd tread very lightly until I was convinced that not lying isn't just a temporary facede to try to impress you. It seems to me that moral lapses aren't just minor mistakes, but more like reflections of character. In an endeavor as chancy as we all decide to take, you need to be extremely careful treading around even what seem very minor red flags. Re-reading the horror stories of this board (and I encourage everyone who's planning on starting out on this course to do so several times), the one universal lamentation is "I wish I'd have paid attention to the red flags. I saw them, I just didn't think they were important."

- Jeff

[Jeff S]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Peter Pan and Cinderella, posted by Jeff S on May 15, 2003

.

[Mark33]

... in response to Re: Re: Peter Pan and Cinderella, posted by Peter Lee on May 15, 2003

Peter,

   You keep talking about her parents having a 30 year age differece. But what does that have to do with your situation? Many people married in those times because a woman had no way to provide for herself financially,so marrying a much older man was what many did to survive.
  But you are going to live in the U.S. where she will have oppurtunity. She may meet many younger men who may flirt with her.She may make new friends who can influence her,she can look around and see other Filipinas with young American husbands who are very successful and on their way up in their carreer. These things can happen,and you cannot control it. Are you ready for that?
  Peter, I still cannot figure out why you want a child for a wife,have you looked into yourself ?

[bryan]

... in response to Re: Re: Peter Pan and Cinderella, posted by Peter Lee on May 15, 2003

Master Lee? you have to be kidding me. Every post I read of yours sounds like rationalizations as you try to convince yourself that what your doing is right. If in your mind and conscious you need the constant reassurance your getting here then i think you are unsure and question your own motives. Its like your searching the internet looking for approval for actions and behavior you know is wrong. I dont care about her parents age diff that has nothing to do with you and her. I dont care how many pagents she was in in high school that make her carry herself like a 22 year old instead of a 19 year old. I dont care how mature she acted when you caught her in a lie or that she returned $$$ to ya. Engaging somone in an intimate relatioship and marrying somone who is 40 years younger than you is outta step with the order of nature, selfish and morally repugnent by any standard.

In the post above you suggest you are limitied in the smarts department. Nothing in your writing would make me believe that, however i would suggest that you do have emotional problems. Seeking out folks on this BB to help justify and ratioanlize this decision speaks volumes about your motivations.

[greg]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Peter Pan and Cinderella, posted by bryan on May 15, 2003

I agree with you. Buuuuuuuut Mr Peter Lee is going to do what He Gotta do to make himself Happy. Ummmmm either he got Lucky and landed a Gem oooooor He's gonna learn the hard way. Many Guys make mistakes in their search to find and be found by Love and Happiness abroad. I myself made a Huuuuuuuge mistake, and still paying for it. Lucky Pete got the PL board to give him guidiance, I was on my own. Soooo it's his life..Guys already warned him countless times..Everytime he give updated Posts on his situation, I see Red Flags. Again, he's an adult...so whatever makes him Happy. lol

[Ray]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Peter Pan and Cinderella, posted by bryan on May 15, 2003

Bryan,

You said “...marrying somone who is 40 years younger than you is outta step with the order of nature, selfish and morally repugnent by any standard”

Perhaps marrying someone 40 years younger is unusual, foolish, highly risky, and yes, maybe even selfish. But out of step with nature??? How do you figure that? What does nature have to do with it? I don’t understand. If two people are attracted to each other, isn't that natural?

Also, how is this morally repugnant by any standard? I don’t find it repugnant by my standards. I don’t advise it myself and I think that there are too many risks involved, but that certainly doesn’t make it immoral. Couples of that age difference and greater are married in religious ceremonies of different denominations every day. Would a church sanction such a marriage if it were morally wrong? Of course not! They are both consenting adults so there is no question of pedophilia or anything of that sort.

I think the vast majority of us here advised Peter against going through with this marriage for various reasons, including the large age difference, but he has apparently made up his mind to go ahead with it anyway. Of course he had doubts in his own mind and he asked for others’ opinions. So what’s wrong with that? Isn’t that why most of us are here on this forum, to ask advice or offer our opinions?

You may find it repugnant that Peter is going to marry a girl 40 years younger than himself, but that doesn’t make it morally wrong. I think that you should be able to express your opinions on the subject without making personal attacks.

Peace,

Ray

[lswote]

... in response to Morally Repugnant?, posted by Ray on May 15, 2003

and I agree.

[greg]

... in response to Re: Re: Peter Pan and Cinderella, posted by Peter Lee on May 15, 2003

to marry her, then have your child ASAP.  My Pinoy son is now 2 years and 7 months, been here with me since he was 8 months old. I just turned 49 yrs this month, and many times I feel sad that I may not be around when he gets older. Now, I understand why Parents want to have their children while they are younger, soooo they can spend as much time as possible with them before their time is up. Your going on 60, if you wait until your about 63..then when your child is 23, your 86..If you can live that long...Your right, Filipina/American children are Gorgeous )...My Son gets lots of attention, people really love him..He's my Joy.

[Peter Lee]

... in response to Hi Peter..IF Your going, posted by greg on May 15, 2003

Ya your right I still have lots to think about, thanks for the tips.  I will wait to see how she reacts to her new life in the US.   I want to be financialy stable when i do it.  Thanks for your experiance

[lswote]

... in response to Re: Hi Peter..IF Your going, posted by Peter Lee on May 15, 2003

I am concerned for your choice as I have never met a reformed liar.  Once it starts it seems to be a way of life.