Thoughts on Internet Dating

[Howard]

This has been the subject of other posts, but I wanted to share a few thoughts since it has been briefly talked about again recently.

I agree that there is no substitute for meeting someone the old fashioned way, but there is hope on the net if you approach it the right way.

I joined Cherry Blossoms as most of you know.  I think the thing that helped me most was that I was in no hurry to meet anyone when I met THE one.  The thing that I like most about the net route is the fact that you can have a lot of conversation in a more realtime enviroment.  If you find someone that interests you, you can communicate often and in volume.  If spending a lot of time overseas is out of the question, getting unrehearsed reaction from a chat session is the next best thing.  Of course you have to know that you are talking to your Mahal and not a cousin, mother, sister, etc... but, if you can't find a way to know that for sure, you're probably headed for trouble anyway

Both Dan and I, and I'm sure others, found total gems in chatrooms.  I know there is no definitve way to find a sure thing, other than putting in the time and effort necessary, but to rule our the internet in today's society is kind of silly in my opinion.  Yes, the internet has invaded the Philippines.  Yes there are plenty of scammers out there.  Yes, the internet has exposed our secret to the clueless masses, but common sense goes a LONG way.  If you have a little, you might do quite well in this medium.

The biggest thing I notice in Newbies is they are in a rush.  I know I was.  I hear WAY too many stories where someone has only been talking to someone a few months and is looking for the fast track to get married and immigrate.  If you meet someone who interests you, have the means and wanna visit her after a few months, great!  I just think that marriage shouldn't be rushed into.

Now, speaking from personal expirience, I realize that you can take every precaution and still end up miserable, but many of those cases might be different without the rush factor and using a little common sense.  Going to the Philippines, being so welcomed, all of that is very powerful and can cloud a romantic's vision.  That's why slowing down is a good idea.

Anyway, I'm hoping that others who have had success on the net will pipe up for any newbies reading.  Like Tom said, the happy ones usually go away.  Then again, so so the miserable ones out of pride.  Been there, done that

Just thought I'd try and start a discussion.  Let's see if it works

Keep the Faith!

H

[DanAndChed]

... in response to Thoughts on Internet Dating, posted by Howard on May 17, 2003

Gotta agree with Howard.  Don't be in no hurry, enjoy the correspondence.  I wrote a lot of women for over a year and gave up a couple of times until I met my sweetie.  We're now going on three years of marriage and our second child.  Life couldn't be better.  

Imagine dating here if you had to talk for six months before you gotta kiss?  Maybe people would find love before lust.

The trip is an adventure for sure, but it's much better if your focused and pretty sure about the person.  

Dan and Mares

[Jeff S]

... in response to Thoughts on Internet Dating, posted by Howard on May 17, 2003

I also wonder why everyone seems to be in such a rush. You see so many posts "How long does it take and how much will it cost" Sheesh! You'd think they're thinking about buying a car. It takes as long as it takes. In my own case it was 13 weeks together in four trips over 2 1/2 years. I know there are guys like Bear who knew it right off, but for most thinking you can get it over with quickly, like an unpleasant task or something  is a recipe for potential disaster. I've posted this before, but thinking you're in love after a few days walking hand-in-hand down a tropical beach on an exotic vacation, and spending the rest of your life comitted to that person in good times and bad, are worlds apart.

- Jeff

[Bear]

... in response to Thoughts on Internet Dating, posted by Howard on May 17, 2003

I met Honey through the internet.  Using mIRC, Dalnet Chatroom #Davao.  She was interested in my handle (I was using "A_lonely_male" then).  Once I had 5-10 people to chat with I'd change it to my real name which showed people (Filipinas)  I was serious and real.  When I met Honey I was writing 13 Filipinas and was actually thinking I might have found the right one already (but she later threatened to commit suicide because I refused to send her money for college. That ended it for me. Oddly she she continued to send me e-mail even after she knew I was married - but Honey put and end to that.) Several of the girls I was writing were very young and admitted they loved me within days of beginning to chat and/or write.  I kept up the communication with these girls although I never intended to do anything else but chat with them - they might provide me with a lead on someone I would be interested in.  I had made up my mind before I even started that a request for money, no matter how desparate, would end any advance in the relationship with that individual.  I didn't intend to meet anyone under 25 and actually was looking for 30 and above.

With Honey it was very different.  I knew she was the ONE the second she chatted in, although I admit it took several months the get through my thick skull because of her age and her intent to be the "Ate" as was expected of her.  She wasn't interested in anything but chatting but showed me a respect that none of the others did.  When I catted with her she chatted only with me, she gave me her full and complete attention.  When I noticed how serious things were getting between us and accepted the reality of a legal problem I had I thought it would be proper to break it off - I actually no longer though I could get a Vias due to lawsuits I had filed against several high ranking government officials about 20 years earlier.  This proved to be true when I was refused at my the first attempt.  

note: Later a simple legal manuver and the desire not give up on a relationship with honey ended all the legal problems.  (How simple you ask?  I tape recorded a government offical lying. Transcripted it and sent him a notarized copy of the conversation by certified mail and indicated my legal options if I was refused again.  The notarized transcript made it "proof" and that it would have to be reputiated in court meaning they would have to prove their innocence instead of my proving mine.  Taping a conversation was and is illegal but notarizing a transcript of the conversation which could be backed up by tape made it borderline.  I have had no contact with anyone since then.  

This was the cause for the "Foolish Girl" senario here because she believed me then saw me try to break it off.  I was afraid of hurting her and did just that.  Still her actions during that convinced me that I was really making a mistake to think defeating the "evil" government more important that finding a lifemate.

With Honey she had every intent of being the "Ate" her parents intended her to be.  She was going to finish college and take care of the family finacially.  Of course, she thought I was "gwapo" but she thought herself to be "pangit" and was constantly reminded of that my near everyone she knew including family and best friends!?  Those of you who have seen her picture must agree with me that it just had to be some stupid culture thing from the R.P. because she IS gorgeous.  I had to convince her that there was a future with me and that she had no obligation to provide for her family and that I would always be willing to aid anyone helping themselves (but I would not support them either).  

The thing that made it real for both of us was praying and fasting about it.  Both apart and together.  We both got amazing answers!

Although I gave up on courting anyone but her and stopped writing anyone but her other than to try and help them find other bfs I did notice all had alterior motives.  I describe it as "they are looking for you".  Honey wasn't looking but interested.  Her fellings were real and they things we discussed weren't along some mapped out plan of a conniving individual to meet an unknown need.  They were about how we could make a life for ourselves with the obvious hurdles (like her and my age).  It takes huge commitment to start over and have children at 49 after watching your youngest walk accross the stage for that diploma.  It is CRUEL to marry a girl and tell her "no children" as I heard many say.  I just don't think a girl is complete untill she is responsible for a little one.  I could not deny someone their potential if thats what they wanted out of life.

Some of you think I am pretty controlling and my wife has giving me permission to think so.  In reality I am very "meloncoly" for those of you who have read "Personality Plus".  It means I plan things and I am detailed.  Admittedly my second is "coleric" (bossy) but I still think its best to plan things and discuss things in detail rather than "command" or "control".  I have never thought myself to be some know-it-all just because I know what I want.  I actually have trouble acting if I do not have support from others.  Thats why Honey and I discussed everything for hours.  We spend 4-6 hours a day chatting, even after married (with the help of the laptop and phone line I provided her).  She knew exactly what I expected and I her, at least as far as we both knew at the time.  I asked her questions in such ways that if she had a hidden agenda I think I would have known pretty quick.  She actually admitted that she strongly approved because she wanted to know that this was serious and lasting relationship and not a flimsy attempt at mating.  Since it appears Filipinas want "dominant" husbands I had to describe my dreams and expectations to her and see how she change or accept them.  I am still in shock when I ask her opinion on something when she says, "What ever you want."  I guess I got too used to AW's.  Honey honestly doesn't want to make many decisions about the "family".  She feels its my domain and wants me to lead (not control as I have heard others say about me here).  Its very hard for me too.  I still ask her constantly for her opinion and 99.99% of the time hear "Whatever you want" (aaaarrrrrrgggg!).  I guess its that "simple" life you hear Filipinas saying they want.

Moral (irreguardless of the medium you meet them):  1) If they are looking for you - be very afraid!  2) If they ask for money - run, run very fast!  3) The right girl still has to be courted by you - the wrong one will court you.  4) Be able to communicate what you want because thats what you are going to get.

Bear and Honey

[outwest77]

... in response to Re: Thoughts on Internet Dating (long), posted by Bear on May 17, 2003

Mirc, ah another mirc convert, the days  before yahoo messenger, a great way to make a connnection, but yahoo messenger with webcam is bettter.....

[bryan]

... in response to Thoughts on Internet Dating, posted by Howard on May 17, 2003

Why restrict yourself to overseas when theres plenty of women right here. I dated several (more than 10 women) that i met on line over the course of a summer. Driving all over the midwest and even some right here in my hometown, I had a blast, met some really nice women and made some life long friends. Some how my crafty lil pinay got her profile on yahoo listed in a town near here and i clicked on that profile thinkin I could drive there the next day. The rest is history.

The internet turned a somewhat shy guy with low self esteem into Don freakin Juan.

[Howard]

... in response to Re: Thoughts on Internet Dating, posted by bryan on May 17, 2003

Bry,

Good point.  I just assumed that local internet dating leads us all here.

Personally, I was on the internet years before it hit the mainstream.  There was once the chance at a quality reltionship with someone else Intelligent and mature out here in cyberspace.  Then AOL brough the internet to the masses and the secret was out!

I have no Asian fetish whatsoever.  I find beautiful women everywhere I look.  It was the lack of quality partners that lead me to a dating site that also had Russian Women.  From there I made my way to an Asian Site and so on.  

My story sounds very similar to yours.  I have no ethnic preference in a wife.  When my soulmate found me, she just happened to be Filipino.  So the hoops are different, but the jumping is familiar

Keep the Faith Brother

H

[greg]

... in response to Re: Thoughts on Internet Dating, posted by bryan on May 17, 2003

Hi Bryan, Which websites on the internet did you use to meet them? Thank

[bryan]

... in response to Plenty of Filipinas already here..Pray T..., posted by greg on May 17, 2003

These were all American girls, my point was that the internet has opened up a whole new way of initiating contact with women of any race or culture. As i was corresponding, meeting and dating several women @ a time I responded to an add by a Korean women who had immigrated 8 years ago and had lost her husband in a car accident. We didnt hit it off but I knew from talking with her that there was something about asian women that appealed to me. So when i saw the next asian profile in the neighborhood I clicked on it immediately. She was from Manila and I really had no intentions of pursuing her but we kept in contact  e amiling and chatting and eventually I started to figure out how I could meet her. I was a little discouraged when i found out all about the K-1 and the hassles but i just kept jumping through the hoops and to day I,m a happy man for it. I think the guys searching should be using this tool to look closer to home, I mean if you are bent on an Asian woman I think you limiting the boundries of your selection. To each his own.