Hey Peter!

[Ray]

Hi Peter,

I was kind of sitting back and reading all the responses to your current dilemma. I don’t have any recommendation for which way you should go from here because I think you are fully capable of figuring all this junk out for yourself. I just had a couple of comments and a few questions for you to ask yourself.

I tried to read those chat transcripts you posted, but frankly I found it difficult to follow the conversation. To me it didn’t sound anything like two adults having an intelligent conversation. More like one adult “attempting” to have an intelligent conversation and a younger lady with her mind somewhere off on cloud nine. It helped a little to cut and paste the dialogue into my word processor, do a global replace to get rid of all the “babes” (nice call Dave H), then try to read it again, but I still couldn’t follow much of that.

You say that you are almost 60 years old. Perhaps you have never been married, but I can’t believe that you don’t know what true love is after all these years. Hell, you’re older than most of us here, including tneal, Stephen & I, and you should be the one explaining to us what this thing called love is all about. I would venture to say that you have probably been in love more times than most all of us have. My point is that I think you know exactly what you are getting into and the risks involved, so it doesn’t make much sense for me or most of the others to advise you on matters of the heart. Filipinas or Americans, women are basically the same the world over, so I’m sure you know how to spot a sincere one when you see her.

I would only suggest that you STOP for a few minutes and consider your present situation and where you are going in life. Here you are, 60 years old, planning a wedding in July, and the gist of your conversations with your future wife revolves around silly junk like how much a damn pair of shoes cost or why she withdrew $200 from a stupid ATM account? My God man! Is that how the rest of your life is going to play out when you are married? Do you have ANYTHING in common with your fiancée?

Since you have never been married, and I have done it twice, I will offer you this: Having a wife is much more than sharing a bed together. Just about every aspect of your life is about to change dramatically and things will never be the same again. It isn’t cheap to support a wife or raise children and you better start realizing that now. If you think $200 is big bucks now, then stand by for a major shock. You seem like a smart guy and I think you already know most of this stuff, but I am more concerned with your wife-to-be.

Some questions to ask yourself: Is SHE ready for the change in HER life? Is she fully aware of what she is getting herself into? Are you ready to stop this petty bickering over how she spends your money and accept her as a FULL partner in marriage? Are you ready to become one as a team and let her join you in making important decisions in your life? Are you ready to accept the financial responsibility of a wife and provide for her not only now, but also after you are dead and gone? Are you insurable so that you can get life insurance to take care of your wife and children when you croak? Are you ready to give her your full trust, with both your heart and your wallet? If there are any negative answers to those questions, then you guys probably ain’t ready (yet).

Just some things for you to think about...

Good luck Pete,

Ray

[Mita]

... in response to Hey Peter!, posted by Ray on Mar 25, 2003

Ray, great post.    I'd  like to add some words of wisdom from my mother who says her 45-year marriage was a mistake.  She said that even in marriage you can be very lonely especially so when your partner is not a real match to you.  Even if they are both Filipinos, they never really got along - all their motives, their desires in life, their view on life in general is so vastly different.  Now it's their grandchildren's time to listen to both of them complain about the other.  The being lonely part was what stuck with me though.
I'm glad I listened to her and married someone I can talk to, plan a future with, argue with, laugh with, cry with, travel with - someone who can help me clean the house, cook dinner, share my pleasure for car washes, etc. etc. etc.

[Peter Lee]

... in response to Re: Hey Peter!, posted by Mita on Mar 26, 2003

I'm glad I listened to her and married someone I can talk to, plan a future with, argue with, laugh with, cry with, travel with - someone who can help me clean the house, cook dinner, share my pleasure for car washes, etc. etc. etc.

I got the talk to argue laugh and cry part out of the way lol

The rest like future will be step by step

No way am i going to cook together

clean the house and wash the car maybe

If she was willing to work on a cruise ship travel will be no problem

It looked promising when we courted for those 20 days

[Ray]

... in response to Re: Hey Peter!, posted by Mita on Mar 26, 2003

Mita, you actually LIKE to wash the car? Wow, the perfect wife!

Do you like to cut the grass also? :-)

Ray

[Peter Lee]

... in response to Wow!, posted by Ray on Mar 26, 2003

If she don't like to sail the deals off LOL

Wash the car?   I have this feeling that she will have a nice glass of ice tea waiting after i finish washing the car lol

[Mita]

... in response to Re: Wow!, posted by Peter Lee on Mar 26, 2003

I do like keeping my small car clean.  He drives a big truck which I can't reach without a step stool so he has to take care of that.  But what I meant by car wash are the automatic car washes...I like sitting in the car and seeing all those gadgets cleaning the car.  We sit in the car and (strangely) have really great fun together in those few minutes in the car wash.

[SteveB]

... in response to Re: Re: Wow!, posted by Mita on Mar 26, 2003

Are you two members of the car wash club?

[Mita]

... in response to WOW!!!!!!!, posted by SteveB on Mar 26, 2003

They have one???  Tell me quick and I'll sign up...LOL!

[Dave H]

... in response to Re: Hey Peter!, posted by Mita on Mar 26, 2003

Hi Mita,

Your parents sound like a Hispanic couple that I know. Both nice people on their own merits. They each consider themselves to be good Catholics and would never divorce. Cursing and threats of violence are often issued by both parties. They base their marital success on the number of children and years married. They have nothing else in common. Almost 50 years of hell, without a kind word to say about each other. The wife spends many hours on the phone. She complains about the husband to anyone who will or won't listen...especially when the husband is present. The husband usually remains silent and spends as many hours away from home as possible, returning only to eat and sleep.

Dave H.

[Mita]

... in response to Quantity, Not Quality..., posted by Dave H on Mar 26, 2003

Dave, without the threats of violence, that sounds like my parents alright...45 years, 7 children (6 beautiful women, ehem) and 7 grandchildren.  It's almost as if they are trapped in  this co-dependent relationship till death do them part.  We are all used to it and know they will stay married without killing each other.  
After I got married and experienced so much happiness and harmony in our relationship I pity my parents for not experiencing the joys my Dave and I found.

[Dave H]

... in response to Re: Quantity, Not Quality..., posted by Mita on Mar 26, 2003

Hi Mita,

The children and grandchildren have grown used to it also. The threats of violence are all empty.

Dave H.

[Peter Lee]

... in response to Quantity, Not Quality..., posted by Dave H on Mar 26, 2003

Sounds like an opening line to Comedy Central   LOL

Take my wife ‘Please”

She taught me to sit up and beg

My dog showed her how to roll over and play dead

Sounds like Without them Rodney Dangerfield would be out of business LOL

[Peter Lee]

... in response to Hey Peter!, posted by Ray on Mar 25, 2003

Hi Ray

You don’t have to tread lightly with me Ray I can take it.  
I wanted to clear up one thing and that is I only picked the chats that pertained to the list with the fees for graduation and expenses.   This was from tons of chats we had I only took out what pertained to our subject.  This may have made it seem unreal coz they are just bits and pieces of a whole chat.  

Frankly I too was surprised after being with her for 20 days that her email and chatting ability had a lot to be desired.   She is so very different in real life, that is why I don’t believe that meeting someone on the chat or email is the best way to meet.  If I were to chat with her before meeting her I would never have persued her.  I am sure it is part of her education in Mindanao country school it probably was not the best.  She speaks Bisaya and probably spoke that more than others.  She is fine on the phone or face to face.

You say you can’t believe that I don’t know what true love is?  Well I don’t.  I have seen the older students in my school get married and divorced.  All kinds of ages and background.  They were all in love and promised a lifetime together it usually lasts 3 to 7 years on the average.  A few stick it out and stay, most remarry and do it a few more  times.  Child support is an anchor that weights them down after the divorce.   I have seen it so many times I could write a book.  That is why I stayed single so long, why marry I would say “I didn’t do anything wrong?”  Yes I had my girlfriends that came and went, some that I wish I married and some I was glad I didn’t.  So I meet this pinay that I like in Cebu after sifting through a dozen.   I figured I would have at least the same chance if not more for it working.    A younger girl could be molded more so than an older one.  I see my friend with a 23 year old and married 3 years already he is over 50.  They seem to have some magic about them that I envy.  I had thought that I found it in Cebu, yes under not the best circumstances.   I valued everyone’s advice because they had hands on experience with the Filipina and their way of thinking.  I have gone step by step to check for obvious red flags as suggested.  

I wanted to answer some of your questions that are there to help me and will help you give me any more ideas.  Here goes:

Is SHE ready for the change in HER life?  Yes, she has moved away from her family has rented a boarding house and got a job.  If not for me she would be working on a cruise ship already.  
Is she fully aware of what she is getting herself into?  I believe so, but no gal over there really knows that for sure anyway they have a good idea and many are much younger than the guys they marry.  
Are you ready to stop this petty bickering over how she spends your money and accept her as a FULL partner in marriage?  No!!  This was a real red flag that had to be addressed.  Trust is a very important part of a relationship and this has to be corrected before it can go any further.  Partners consult each other specially in money matters, it is not to much to ask.  
Are you ready to become one as a team and let her join you in making important decisions in your life?  Sure, no problem there, coz if she is not happy I can’t be happy either.  
Are you ready to accept the financial responsibility of a wife and provide for her not only now, but also after you are dead and gone?  This is easy one.  I get a retirement pay that is enough to supplement a wife when alive and hers when I die.  It would be a shame to have me die and it not be given to anybody.  
Are you insurable so that you can get life insurance to take care of your wife and children when you croak?  Yes but if I die all the morgues would be paid off and she would own property and a house free and clear.  
Are you ready to give her your full trust, with both your heart and your wallet?  No I would not do that for anybody.   If she ever gets divorced she has to know that her new husband will get nothing from me.   She will have her own bank account and credit cards.  If she goofs em up OH Well
You may not like the last answer, but that is a controversial issue that is debated about many times.   To me it is like a life boat when the boat sinks, you hope the boat never sinks but the lifeboat is there.  
If there are any negative answers to those questions, then you guys probably ain’t ready (yet).
That would mean that most of the men  on the planet aren’t ready either hehehehe
Maybe that’s why so much divorce LOL

Do you have ANYTHING in common with your fiancée? Nothing in common at all.  Except that we both like sailing.  
In the past I have dated gals that had a lot in common with me.  It didn’t help and we split up in the end.  I don’t like to cook, I don’t like to go shopping, and I like to go sailing.  

[Ray]

... in response to Re: Hey Peter!, posted by Peter Lee on Mar 26, 2003

Peter,

There were no right or wrong answers to the questions I posed. They were only to help you think.

Some of your responses seem to indicate that you are preparing for divorce, or at least looking at this marriage as a long shot gamble. I guess that can be considered a practical way of approaching marriage, but I tend to agree with the view that if you prepare for it, then it becomes more likely to happen. I am not familiar with the laws of Florida and how property is divided after a divorce, but in California it pretty much comes down to: with few exceptions, you split all earnings during the marriage down the middle. Any property you had before marriage remains yours if it is kept separate. There is really nothing wrong with protecting what you have going in, but you shouldn’t think that she goes out just as broke as she came in, which “sounds” like what you are saying, because in reality the law doesn’t work that way.

It seemed that you were very troubled by the fact that she withdrew $200 from an ATM account in one shot. If I understood your story correctly, she was to have lived off of that $200 for the next 3-4 months? I don’t see anything wrong with taking it all out in one shot. Most folks over there don’t run to an ATM whenever they need a couple hundred pesos. By taking it out all at once, at least she saved any further transaction fees. My point about petty bickering was this: You sent her $200. The ATM was only the transfer medium and the funds were transferred to her as planned. Stop nit-picking over how she withdraws it and just wait to see if she was able to budget the money and make it last. Let HER decide when and how to use it, because if you require a running day-to-day accounting of how she spends her money, you’ll never find out if she can do it on her own. Make sense? Also, $200 for 3-4 months is not a large sum of money. Like I said before, $200 is NOTHING when it comes to supporting a wife and children. If she runs off with your $200 and you never hear from her again, then you got off cheap. I think all this talk of “red flags” is getting you paranoid. Relax and stop sweating the small stuff.

You said “I get a retirement pay that is enough to supplement a wife when alive and hers when I die. It would be a shame to have me die and it not be given to anybody”. If you are referring to your military retirement pay, then I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. When you die, it dies along with you. I asked about insurability because I know it isn’t always possible to purchase affordable life insurance when you are in your 60’s. Also, you left out the part about supporting children after you are gone. Does that mean that you are not planning to have children?

As far as keeping finances separate with separate bank accounts and the idea that what I earn is mine and what you earn is yours, that may work in some marriages, but from my experience it is most always a recipe for trouble.

As far as not having anything in common, that may cause problems down the road. You should not expect that your mutual love will always be there over the course of a marriage. There are likely to be some rough times when one or both partners just don’t seem to be in love anymore. That is not unusual and shouldn’t automatically signal that it’s time to file for divorce. But having common interests can help you get through the rough spots until that level of love comes back, which it usually does if both partners remain committed to making it work. At your age, I would think that you aren’t going to get many chances to try again, so you better make this one work.

One thing you said did worry me a little. You said “A younger girl could be molded more so than an older one”. If you are implying that you can change her after you are married, and make her into someone right for you, then I think you are making a big mistake. Even at her young age, her basic value system and her character are already in place and can probably not be changed much if at all. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a more mature lady that is “set in her ways”, as long as her ways are acceptable and compatible with yours. Don’t go after the young ones for the wrong reasons.

Of course all of these things should be discussed in advance of marriage. My other point about the petty bickering over small things is that it is only detracting from the real issues that you two should be having deep discussions about NOW.

Anyway, I’m glad to see that you are thinking about these things. I hope that she is doing the same also.

Ray

[Peter Lee]

... in response to Re: Re: Hey Peter!, posted by Ray on Mar 26, 2003

You said “I get a retirement pay that is enough to supplement a wife when alive and hers when I die. It would be a shame to have me die and it not be given to anybody”. If you are referring to your military retirement pay, then I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. When you die, it dies along with you.

Not so, I will conferm on Thur Patrick AFB 1 321 494 4536

You can pay a small amount out of your retirement pay after you are married and she will recieve half of your pay for her life.  

I asked about insurability because I know it isn’t always possible to purchase affordable life insurance when you are in your 60’s. Also, you left out the part about supporting children after you are gone. Does that mean that you are not planning to have children?

I have propety in a irrivocable trust that will take care of her no problem.  When the time comes i will see about insurance but i know i am not disqualified for it right now.

I have not thought about children but when i asked her she did not want any for a few more years as she is a bit young and has some time to think it over.