... in response to Reflections of a Desparate Woman, posted by Lori on Jan 21, 2003Lori,
First of all, welcome back to PL. I figured you were out there lurking somewhere and would eventually show back up! Yeah, those red flags are darned bright and clear when viewed all at once in hindsight, aren’t they? The problem is, as you said, in real time they just zoom by all mixed in with the excitement of an exotic vacation, experiencing a new culture, hopes for “Happy Ever After” with the person of your dream, etc. I always felt as if you had the cards stacked against you statistically due to putting all your hopes on only one man but I hoped for the best for you anyway. Of course, I know this whole system of meeting foreign spouses is not set up for women, so you were out there pioneering it on your own to even try it. At the very least you should be proud of yourself for having the courage to try it. Not much else to say except that I am sorry for the way it turned out for you.
I agree with your skepticism about putting faith in an introduction from a family member or how this will add any degree of confidence that the person you are contacting is better morally, ethically or anything else than a total stranger picked from a website based on physical attraction and two sentences of comments. In fact, I think it will more often than not give the American a false sense of security, which will cause them to ignore warning signs. At least I believe this to be true if you do as I have seen recommended and just go out and talk to a few Asians at some Chinese restaurant a few times and then ask them if they have any relatives ‘back home’ that would like to meet an American. Think of it – if they are dishonest and have a relative they badly want over here, you have just volunteered to do all the dirty work for them.
Now, I know you had no choice as to the number of men you were in contact with because of what I said before about this system being set up only for men so don’t take any of this personally or even remotely as an ”I told you so”, I don’t mean it that way. I’m just preaching to maybe help the guys in the early stages of this adventure. J OK, now that my intentions are known - any man who takes the same path of fooling himself into thinking he is doing the honorable thing by writing to, calling, emailing or visiting only one woman is risking ending up the same way. You guys starting this can all sit there and say, “It can’t happen to me – I’m in control” but I promise you, you are human and if you devote a year or so and thousands of dollars, not to even mention all the emotional energy, on only one woman and later start to find out she isn’t right for you for whatever reason……those red flags can flap in your face until you have windburn on your ears and you’ll try everything in your power to rationalize them away. I know. It’s not easy to come back home and tell everyone you’re calling off a wedding and starting over again. I did it, so I know – trust me! You feel like you’ve been hit by a train. To sum it up, sure some guys go to see one girl and find their dreams have come true but then some guys buy lottery tickets and win too, but that doesn’t make buying lottery tickets a good strategy for paying your house payment!
Oh yeah, not all Vietnamese men dominate their wives. I only know one well enough to see how he interacts with his wife but in their case it is more like an American couple…he even quit his job to move across the country to live closer to her parents….and then when she changed her mind that that wasn’t what she really wanted, he came back and got another job in this area. One factor that is different here is that they both came to the US as young teens so maybe that influences their attitudes towards gender roles in marriage. Who knows?
SteveG
