Knowing she's the one ...

[Jeff S]

I was reading the posts over on the Latin board about a guy who had known a girl for two weeks, then on their second date proposed to her. That seems rash to me but then again, I was always more the analytical type rather than emotional.

In my dating experience (a long time ago), every girl I saw, started out as being perfect in my eyes, then gradually, as I got to know her better and better and the usual dating facade got dropped, various behaviours or beliefs created "knockout factors" that kept lowering my opinion of her until I realized that I couldn't possibly spend the rest of my life with her. Then I'd move on - or perhaps she tired of me and dumped me, a bit less common, but still a factor. This was true of both American and Asian women. I'd dated more than a couple American, Asian, and Latina women at that time, having moved away from home and being in the dating pool for nearly 15 years. I only ever dated one person at a time, though sometimes for one date, sometimes for a year.

I suppose someone could fall into love at first sight and just know that person is "the one" but that would have been impossible for me. This was because every girl I dated was "the one" when we first met. It took substantial time and a wide variety of experiences to get the knockout factors to surface.

Anyway, when I met my wife, there were very few knockout factors and those that did surface seemed manageable. In my case it was over twelve weeks spent together over a span of something like two years, before I realized she was "the one."

Of course, I realize everyone is different in their hopes and experiences - and the topic of how long to know each other before deciding to get married is discussed ad nauseum on these boards, but I thought I'd toss it out one more time - since face-to-face time in these long distance relationships seems to be one aspect lots of people seem to think can be shortchanged. I'm convinced that many of the tragedies we read about could have been averted with more one-on-one time.

What do you all think?

-- Jeff

[Patrick]

... in response to Knowing she's the one ..., posted by Jeff S on Oct 14, 2002

I don't believe in love at first sight, but "like" (or infatuation) after first conversation (in person) is definitely something I've experienced.  I think with every woman I've ever dated, I knew within a very short time whether I would ever consider anything permanent.  I never made any rash decisions to commit, but when I dated someone I thought would not be a keeper at first, I never changed my mind later on.  Some went the other way, i.e. liking them a lot at first, then changing my mind, but none ever went from just someone I would date casually to someone I would ever consider for a permanent relationship.

It wasn't something based on looks, but rather personality.  Some things come through from the start and I think I'm pretty picky about certain personality qualities.  When you see someone in person, there's so many non-verbal things going on that you can pick up on that just never come through letters and phone calls.  Seeing a woman interact with other people is especially important to me.

You're right about the one-on-one time.  It takes at least some of the risk out of it that way, though you'll never have as much experience in person with someone who lives several thousand miles away as you could with someone who lived in your own town.  I think some guys get worn down over time in this.  Maybe they see one or two women they were interested in get married to guys who were willing to move ahead to marriage very quickly and think they have to mary her now before someone else grabs her.  That's a bad mindset to be in.

[shadow]

... in response to Knowing she's the one ..., posted by Jeff S on Oct 14, 2002

I must concur.

Although many seem to make it work doing otherwise, it just seems prudent to me now to wait until the dust settles before jumping into the marriage bed.

The more time you spend in each others company prior to marriage, the better the odds of actually knowing each other first.

Life is so complicated!  

Larry.

[joemc]

... in response to Knowing she's the one ..., posted by Jeff S on Oct 14, 2002

Hi Jeff,
       A good post to bring up,my wife was love at first
       sight, I know that it sounds funny. In my eyes she
       was my knock-out and she still is. It took me many
       years of marriage to really understand my wife.
       I am very happy that she comitted to me over the
       years. She could have very easily done better for
       herself. I think it has to with the understanding of
       two people.

                               joemc