family obligations

[chevy]

when phillipine women marry western men do they expect their husband to give some financial support to their family back home?
If the women start working here do they give part of their salary to their family? Do they expect that their family will someday emmigrate to the USA and move in the same house with them?

[Ray]

... in response to family obligations, posted by chevy on Oct 21, 2002

chevy,

I don’t think most Filipinas will expect their family to emigrate and move in with them. After they get here, they will learn that it is not the norm here to have family move in with you. However, I do know a lot of Filipinos who brought their parents over. After they obtain U.S. citizenship, it is quite easy to petition parents and it takes a year or so for the paperwork. Siblings are another story. There is currently approximately a 23-year wait to obtain a visa for a sibling in the Philippines. In either case, the Filipino sponsor must be a U.S. citizen and that will take at least about 3-5 years after she gets here.

As for sending money home: “In general”, Filipinos are expected to help out other family members to some degree. Some do and some don’t. It all depends on the individual.

The way you asked your question brings up another point. You asked if they expect their husbands to help and you also asked if they send part of their salary home if they work. From my experience, Filipinos are more likely to believe that they should separate their incomes into “his” and “hers”, where she is free to do whatever she wishes with her paycheck because she earned it. This arrangement may work for some couples, but it often leads to arguments and hard feelings on both sides. My philosophy is that all income in a marriage should be “family income” and all financial obligations should be “family obligations”. I think ALL income and money should be “ours”. I believe that a couple should mutually agree on all major expenditures, including sending money to relatives.

Steve G made a good point about the importance of talking about these things before getting married. I would carry it a bit farther and suggest that it is imperative that you come to a general agreement on how you will handle financial matters in your marriage before you even get engaged to marry. You should discuss sending money home to the family, joint or separate bank accounts, paying bills, making major purchases, spending for entertainment, saving for retirement, life insurance, etc. Discuss it all and make sure that both of you are on similar wavelengths when it comes to money matters. This is extremely important! Don’t just blow it off and “hope” that everything works itself out later. Disagreements over financial matters are one of the major causes of problems in a marriage!

Some ideas to consider when discussing sending money home to the family:

1. Don’t make promises to her family that you may not be able to keep in the future.

2. When you start to send a monthly amount, they are likely to come to rely on the monthly payments and may adjust their whole life around them. If you lose your job or have other financial problems, you may not be able to send money for a while, which can disrupt their lives also because they have become dependent on your support.

3. Consider a separate savings account for “emergency funds”. If someone in the family back home has a serious medical problem, a typhoon blows their home into the sea, or they lose their job suddenly, you can use the emergency account as needed. This can come in handy if a family member back home becomes ill or dies and the wife needs to fly home on short notice. With this method, they don’t come to depend on that monthly allowance.

4. NEVER give a dime to a family member who gambles or abuses drugs or alcohol. You might as well just flush it down the toilet and save the postage.

5. Instead of giving handouts, consider providing funds for a small business job training/ education expenses. I’ve found that most Filipinos are too proud to accept a handout and will feel shameful taking your money.

6. Help those that are willing to help themselves.

7. Send a “balikbayan box” (a shipment of little goodies and gifts) to the family around Christmas time instead of cash gifts.

8. If a family member continually asks for money, don’t get too excited. Just respond in the “Filipino way” by making excuses why you can’t help out right now and then forget about it until the next request. After a while, they’ll tire of asking.

9. Consider all “loans” of money as gifts. Asking for a loan from a family member is another way of asking for a handout, so don’t expect them to repay it later. If they do repay it, consider yourself very fortunate.

10. If she has a lot of family members who are unemployed and unskilled, expect a greater chance of requests for money. This is not guaranteed to happen, but it should be considered when choosing a mate. It really depends on the family though.

Just some things to think about…

Ray

[Dave H]

... in response to Money Issues, posted by Ray on Oct 23, 2002

Hi Ray,

I agree with your “family income” philosophy and “family obligations.” My previous post was a bit ambiguous. My wife and I have joint checking and savings accounts. We both direct deposit our incomes. When sending money to relatives, she consults with me. I do the same with her on similar expenditures. My wife still has the satisfaction of knowing that she has earned the money that she sends to her family. For the most part, her immediate family is self-sufficient, but we want them to have a better life. Sometimes it is my idea to send money for specific purposes. We share our charitable interests in the Philippines, involving food, medical care, shelter, education, and employment.  

Dave H.

[Dave H]

... in response to family obligations, posted by chevy on Oct 21, 2002

Hi Chevy,

I have to agree with what Steve said. My wife does not expect or want me to send money. If a legitimate need should arise, it is my wife who sends money home(that she has earned). None of my wife's immediate family has any desire to immigrate to the US. In fact, her sister and American brother-in-law will be moving back to the PI soon. We will likely be dividing our time between the Philippines and the US in a few years, after my younger son graduates.

Dave H.

[SteveG]

... in response to family obligations, posted by chevy on Oct 21, 2002

Chevy,
 I can tell that the 'experts' have gotten to you and are telling all the terrible things these women will do to you.    Man, I heard a lot of that when I was starting to have pen-pals.  It seemed that everybody knew all about "those ferunners" and how bad they were compared to sweet, perfect American women.  LOL Thankfully I chose to ignore them and just trust my own judgement.   Now, ten years later, I think I am qualified to comment on the reality of it all based on my own marriage and those of quite a few of our friends.

 Concerning financial support to their family back in the Philippines, the answer is typically "Yes".   But, in my experience, it's not a situation where they are sneaking food money out behind the husband's back and giving it to their conniving families back home.   All of Melly's friends work so they can give some help without it being a burden to their new family (husband and children).  Some will want to send money for specific things while others send a regular, usually monthly, amount.   It all just depends on the situation and the individuals involved.  These women are much more prone to ask their husbands advice and 'permission', if you will, than American women.  Obviously though, this is something that you need to talk about before getting married.  As I have told here on Planet-Love before, we chose to pay for a room to be added to my mother-in-law's house so she could open a Sari Sari store to earn a little money.   It gave her a chance to make regular income rather than receive a one-time handout.  I was all for it.  Maybe too much so, I did all the wiring and came too close to electrocution for comfort.  LOL   Besides, she will never ask for money no matter what.

 The immigration of family members is way overblown in my experience.   The vast majority I know haven't tried to 'bring their families over' in spite of the 'experts' saying that 'they all do it'.   The INS regulations make bringing parents and siblings a major obstacle that takes years and years in normal circumstances.   I DO know of one friend who got her parents here based on having employment for them in her husbands business though.  Otherwise it's just too difficult to immigrate for it to be such a common event as people say.  
                              SteveG