Why do you guys want a foreign mate?

[alumnagirl]

What's wrong with the people here?  What about (rebellious) immigrants who defy what their parents want? What is your ideal?

My ideal:  A young man with (not necessarily in order):

-a steady job

-from the right family

-well educated (minimum of a bachelor's degree)

-sweet/sensitive

-semi religious  (Preferably Roman Catholic, Anglican or Jewish)

Looks DO matter.  I don't want a fat, overweight bald guy who is twenty years my senior.  However, I'm not expecting Josh Hartnett either.  :-)

[The Walker]

... in response to Why do you guys want a foreign mate?, posted by alumnagirl on Sep 21, 2002


I am in the archives, but they may not go back that far. I was under Don, then DonV, now The Walker (as more and more people joined, it was harder to tell the Don's apart).

I am now almost 50. I was mid-40's when I began my search. I am not fat, or disabled. I am a fit,  retired, career military man with all but four of my own teeth (impacted wisdom teeth as a teenager) and all my hair. I do have quite a collection of scars. What I did in the service is not germane to the discussion. I hold a degree in mathematics (ballistics) and I belong to Mensa. I don't bite my nails and I am a non-sitting council member of my tribe (I am half Native American, half basic whitebread Caucasian). I now own a small ranch and raise registered breeding cattle. Both my daughters have graduated with honors from an ivy league school. So I am no misfit, fat, ugly American guy who can't get a date at home and wants a young, submissive Asian sex toy as is the general (and very, very wrong) stereotype about American men who seek overseas wives.

After more than 15 years of good marriage (or so I thought), my first wife decided maybe she had missed out on something by marrying a year out of high school and left me. I had to finish raising a young-teen and pre-teen daughter by myself. When she filed for divorce from Vegas I did the right thing and gave her half, minus the girls' share. Since then I had rebuilt my personal finances, got the elder girl through an ivy league college and the younger one into the same college, and built a business raising breeding cattle. I was also quite gladly providing a male role model for my grandson as my elder daughter's husband was tragically killed when the boy was an infant.

After getting the younger daughter well into college I began to look to my own future as it was geting lonely in the house. I dated quite a bit and was almost "caught" by two "gold-diggers" (the term my generation uses). Face it, American women in their mid 40's are already pretty well picked over. So many of them either have a string of failed relationships or carry so much baggage from their divorce(s) that you never know which way they will jump. Or both. Of course there are many American women out there in that age group who fit neither stereotype. My friend Mrs. Mayor does not fit those stereotypes, but she and her sisters were all happily married or else I would have hog-tied one and married her on the spot. I got tired of sorting the chaff to find the grain of wheat. I had been burned three times in a row. So I decided if I was going to make a break, go big. I have always considered Asian women to be physically attractive ( heck, I consider most women to be attractive), and they have a winsome quality to them, a grace that seems to be different than or missing in many western women. They are unafraid to be female and are quite secure in their femininity. Dark skin is no bugaboo for me. I looked around at many military marriages I had and have known and I found, by my own personal straw poll, that men with Filipinas for wives seemed to be the happiest overall. So I visited men I knew who had Filipina wives and talked to them about it. The consensus was that Filipinas are fiercely loyal, caring, loving, enthusiastic lovers, superb mothers and exemplary housewives. They are non-confrontational with their husbands (the glaring exception being over real or perceived infidelity) and keep their homes running like clockwork. They practically burn incense at the altar of Family and will not abandon a marriage except for abuse or infidelity or other very serious cause. Their children are well-fed, polite, clean and dress well. The children tend to do well in school. Their men are well-fed, well-loved, not starved for affection, appreciated as head of the household and in general treated like a king at home. Filipinas as a rule were not greedy, they were thrifty and could manage the household expenses quite well, making each penny scream before it left their clutches. They were tireless bargain hunters and (inside joke) any man married to a Filipina never had to worry about running out of household staples like toilet paper, paper towels, rice or soap, ever again. He may have to ask his wife where she has squirreled all these things away, but he will never run out. Most Filipinas speak English well or at least fairly well (although there can be some amazing misunderstandings, especially in slang). While they are quite comfortable in the role of housewife and mother, they can at need roll up their sleeves and help bring home the bacon. They come from a nation with a long association with America and usually have good opinions of Americans in general. They adapt to American life fairly readily (there are exceptions) and many have a college education. They usually don't "pork up" on you and they tend to keep their youthful looks well into upper middle age. They can also be a most fascinating and exotic-looking blend of Spanish, Philippine, Malay, Japanese and Chinese mixes. Of course, there are "bad" Filipinas... green-card sharks, cheats, liars and trollops; just as there are bad American men who lie, cheat, and abuse their Asian wives. But overall, the opinion was that a Filipina is the best choice for an American man.

I have found this to be correct in my case. We have been married 3 years. My Vicky is a pious woman in her religion while being tolerant of mine, an excellent manager of our household, a tremendous friend and enthusiastic lover, a counselor of wisdom, great with my kids and grandson (she treats the grandson as the child she cannot have). She was an able manager of the ranch when I was called away to the Hindukush after 9/11. She keeps our social calendar and handles parties, formal functions and charity work with equal aplomb. She is an excellent cook and can dance a tango better than Angelica Huston in "Addams Family Values" (in fact we are often compared to Angelica and Raoul Julia on the dance floor). If they ever stop selling them I will still not need rice or paper goods in this lifetime. She gardens and preserves the fruit of the garden. She is the model wife. She is also quite stunning, a real Philippine beauty and looks 20 years younger than she really is (she is in her 40's) with a dancer's figure and legs to die for. She holds a master's degree in business and is also a member of Mensa. She thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread and I love her more than words can express.

I hope this answers your question.

Don

[alumnagirl]

... in response to Re: Why do you guys want a foreign mate?, posted by The Walker on Sep 22, 2002

Some of the 40-something guys here seem to want very young women (i.e. girls in their 20's).  I don't know what the term used today is, but the term used for older WOMEN with younger MEN is "cougar".  I'm sure you've heard it before!

[The Walker]

... in response to Well, Don, then you're very lucky....., posted by alumnagirl on Sep 22, 2002


One thing I have noticed is that it is usually women who give other women bad names. Cougar was dreamt up by a woman, I am sure. I prefer May-December relationships. Men look at Anna-Nicole and her 80 year old rich hubby and say "Yes! Go for it, Bubba! Wish it was me." It is women who look at this relationship and call Anna names. When Joan Collins had her boy-toys (a female coined that phrase) had their heyday, it was women who were upset, not men. She was still a pretty good lookin' woman and she was rich. If she wanted a younger man and he was agreeable, men didn't waste time inventing things to call him or her. Why is it alkways "She is the Older Woman mothers warn their sons about"? Fathers never bother with this.

Why all the fuss over age differences anyway? Two generations ago 10 years was the average. Four generations ago 20 years was not unreasonable. Usually the men were older. This makes sense from a biological point of view. Put yourself in the shoes of the average third world woman today. The basic sex-based drive of a female is to conserve her DNA, by choosing the best mate possible. Define a good mate. One who shows superior abilities to the available gene pool. Today the superior abilities are the ability to care for and support a family m(success over the other males in earning ability), to conserve her DNA by not wasting his DNA screwing around and possibly changing mates, and in the care he can lavish on her and her children (successful men can better set their own hours and priorities).

A mature male is always a better choice for a nubile female. He has proven that he has survived most of the diseases, including the genetic ones, that afflict younger men. He is wiser with experience. He is usually better able to support a family financially and emotionally. He will usually be more tolerant and gentler as a husband and a father. His life experience is valuable. He is more easily satisfied sexually and in other areas. When a young woman has her way with an older man, he usually is quite happy to stay at home and not go out looking for more women. Besides, he dies when she is still young enough to get the indsurance and get a younger man or two for herself. ;-)

For a mature man, delaying starting a family (or starting a second after his first brood has reached their majority) makes sense for him as well. He is usually in a better financial position so the stress is off in that area. A young wife is good for him. She is better able to bear healthy children and well-suited to look after them. Younger women do not carry the emotional baggage that available women his age group usually carry. His first wife, if he was married before, was probably young. Bearing children is for the young, raising them is for the mature. Look how much better grandparents do with children than parents. They don't get bent out of shape over the little stuff. I know I am a much better grandfather than I was a father. I have more time to spend on the little things. A mature, successful man doesn't have to work double time or take odd shifts that limit the time he may spend with his family (civilian) or go on long deployments and work an average of 12 hours a day and be on call on weekends too (military). A young wife is energetic. She does all the little things that need to be done. She generally looks up to her husband and treats him well. Which makes him love her all the more and treat her better as a result. Did you ever wonder why older men and younger women have been the rule instead of the exception for most of human history?

And if it an older, successful woman with a younger man, who is to say that is wrong? Are the two involved happy with the arrangement? She is usually past child-bearing so the conservation of DNA is not an issue. If not, perhaps she has had an older man and now wants to try something to put a little spring into her step?

In either case, if the two parties involved are happy with the arrangement, I see no reason for others to object. Whether for fun or money or lust or love. There is so little real happiness in the world as a whole that I will not deny them theirs.

Don't think that just because Filipinas are in many cases younger than their husbands and usually piywardly submissive, that they don't get what they want. That would be a huge error. Filipinas practice velvet despotism. Instead of trying to bully hubby into doing this or that, yelling and arguing and shouting, they gently suggest and pretty soon he thinks it was his own idea. To get a mule to change paddocks you don't try to chase him through the gate or rope and pull him through. You just leave the gate open and allow him to walk through for himself as if it were his own idea. All it takes is patience. Filipinas are patient. If you treat a man as a king, he will pretty soon treat you as a queen. The fonder he is of you the more he is willing to do the little things to please you.

Many western women have forgotten that men are ran by testosterone. We have high hormone levels all the time and they are constant. We do not have the mood swings associated with a menses cycle. This makes us very different from women emotionally as well as physically. Men are agressive and stronger physically than women. We are used to going out and slaying the mammoth or the paycheck and bringing it home to our family. We are built for agression physically, hormonally and psychologically. We do not handle outright challenges to our perceived authority well. Women on the other hand are gentler by nature (unless it comes to defending their children) because they are forced to do the child rearing during the formative times by force of nature. Infants take gentle care. Men cannot breast feed. To deny our biological roots is to court disaster. So women, to get the protection and support of men for themselves while they are with child and caring for infants which makes them very vulnerable, and their children as they grow, have had to learn to adapt to men and our ways. It is actually fairly easy to keep a man happy. Let him think he is in charge, feed him and keep his churlish desires satisfied and you can get away with murder most of the time. Make him think he is the king of his castle and he will do everything in his power to keep you and his family happy and cared for. A good woman who really takes care of her husband and makes him feel loved and appreciated is worth fighting for and she can usually write her own ticket in the marriage. He will put up with a lot of other stuff to keep her.

Let us take the example of my friends, the Mayors. She is a tall Texas blonde who was a beauty queen and who could still compete, in my opinion. He is a short (shorter than her), former Navy SEAL. She has the attitude of Goose's wife in "Top Gun". She loves her man dearly. They both work (he is our local mayor) but she like to take time off sometimes and "kidnap" him for a romantic rendevous. She makes him feel that he is the absolute monarch of all he surveys, while she really does as she pleases. She is three years older than he is. I am several years older than Vicky (less than 10 years older). Mrs. Mayor gets to do as she darn well pleases because her husband is the center of the universe (their kids are grown) and he knows it. Therefore she can buy what she likes within the limits of their budget. She makes plans for parties and other social events and he just goes along with whatever she wants about 95% of the time. She does not object when he and I go hunting or fishing occasionally or have an evening of beer, cigars and poker with the boys. Neither does Vicky. If the Mayors are out at a restaurant and her hand is under the table it is generally on his thigh, or higher. He KNOWS he has it good. And so do I. Therefore our wives have our complete trust and the freedom to do almost as they please, because they please us so well. Vicky keeps my bed warm at night, and makes sure I have a good breakfast in the morning. She doesn't chatter until I'm into my second cup of coffee or else I just grunt. She sees to it the home is clean and the meals are hot and good. She keeps herself attractive so I have to do the same. She helps with the records for the cattle and works for her uncle on the side occasionally. So whenever she wants to go shopping to the city with Mrs. Mayor she goes. Of course she always asks me first, which makes it look like I graciously gave her permission when she had the car already running and the charge cards warmed up. They shop and do female things and get massages and beauty things and compare notes on the managing of husbands and sometimes stay overnight in a hotel room, and neither Mr. Mayor nor I turn a hair. Why should we? Aren't we well cared for and made to feel like kings? Of course. Why rock the boat? If they call and say they are too tired to drive home and are getting a room for the night I thank her for calling, tell her to be careful, tell her in no uncertain and quite graphic terms just how much I'll miss her overnight, and blow her a kiss and tell her to have nice dreams.

And in my opinion that is how it should be.

[bigjiro]

... in response to Re: Why do you guys want a foreign mate?, posted by The Walker on Sep 22, 2002

bravo! your letter brought tears to my eyes. how lucky you are to have such a devoted wife. love her and take care of her and never let her go. what a precious gift you have.

[Terry C]

... in response to Re: Why do you guys want a foreign mate?, posted by The Walker on Sep 22, 2002

And I must say you're one of the best writers I've seen on any of these lists.

[greg]

... in response to Why do you guys want a foreign mate?, posted by alumnagirl on Sep 21, 2002

Back after all this time? Where you out there Lurking?

[GregF]

... in response to Why do you guys want a foreign mate?, posted by alumnagirl on Sep 21, 2002

Well I have a steady job that I love,I am sweet, sencitive, honest, and intelegent. I do not have a bachelor's degree but I make more then a lot of people that do and I also do not have student lones to pay off. I am not old, fat or bald but my family is not the right faimaly so I guess by your standards I am not worth any womans time. Looks to me like you may have ansored your own question.

[alumnagirl]

... in response to Re: Why do you guys want a foreign mate?, posted by GregF on Sep 21, 2002

Your spelling's horrid.....or did you do that on purpose?

[NW Jim]

... in response to Re: Re: Why do you guys want a foreign m..., posted by alumnagirl on Sep 21, 2002

Guess you better add spelling to your list of requirements. Soon you'll have a list as long as most AW, and only the Savior will qualify. Good luck with your search.

[stefang]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Why do you guys want a forei..., posted by NW Jim on Sep 21, 2002

Savior has a low paying job he would not qualify and he never got a bachelors degree he was a carpenter.

[NW Jim]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Why do you guys want a f..., posted by stefang on Sep 21, 2002

sdf

[Dave H]

... in response to Why do you guys want a foreign mate?, posted by alumnagirl on Sep 21, 2002

N/T

[shadow]

... in response to Why do you guys want a foreign mate?, posted by alumnagirl on Sep 21, 2002

-Loyalty

-At least semi-intelligent

-Doesn't think she's better than everyone else due to her family ties

-Not butt ugly

-Doesn't smoke

-Doesn't weigh 200+ pounds

-Doesn't have 3+ kids from different relationships

-Adventurous

-Open-minded

Guess that rules out a few. Personally I don't care about her past at all, if her ideals for the future are honorable.

Larry.

[alumnagirl]

... in response to Well, for starters,..., posted by shadow on Sep 21, 2002

What if she did something that was dishonourable?  Perhaps had a substance abuse problem or was in other forms of trouble?