my plan

[MsDuong]

First I want  to aplogize for not making my fist post clearer. I posted because my husband called and told me his exam date. Sept 4th!! A whole freaking month more than we expected. I had planned a  little get-a-way for us that I could not get out of. So I had to take my daughter. No, I did not just fing this out. I have known for about a few weeks.
I had avoided posting on the board about Thai going off to school in California, becuase I knew the reaction I would get. But if I can not talk with you men about the joys and the stress of being married to a foreiner, who the heck can I??? I need to be able to come on here and vent, without my marrage being judged. Thank goodness I am a strong woman that can not be pulled this way or that, or I would probably be heading for a divorce.
No, this marrage has not been easy. To be honest, it has been one of the most challanging times in my life. But is'nt that what we all get when we marry oversea's?? A challange?? Why has it been that way for me and Thai?? Remember guys, we have had a few obsticals since he arrived. He lost his little brother only 2 WEEKS after he arrived here. He was devestated. What would you guys have done? To see that? I tried then to send him back to Vietnam, because he was in so much pain. He said his life was with me. We got through that one together.
And this school thing---he went to california because of the language difficulties. Even though he was an english teacher over there--he has a hard time understanding the spoken language. He tried working at a factory, but it hurt his shoulder too much (He has had some kind of surgery on it-nasty scar). He wanted to do somthing that would improve our "quality of living" as he put it.
And the reason we talk only once a week is the money. He stays in one room and lives on noodle soup. No TV--no radio. He recieved student of the month. Everytime he calls he says he wants to come home-he's bored.

Am I making excuses for him--for us?? Has his being gone been easy for me?? nooo. Has it been easy for him?? nooo. Is it going to be easy when he returns?? nooo. Because I am making him pay all the bills by himself for 2 months when he gets back :-)

OKOK, if he doesn't show up by sayyyy....Sept 10th. I'll do whatever you guys want. I'll sue him and his family on the gorunds that he's gay( and they knew it), go directly to the INS and give them his name. File for divorce the same day. And find a nice white american man to settle down with who would never hurt me. How's that sound?

[Jeff S]

... in response to my plan, posted by MsDuong on Aug 18, 2002

My offer is still open, Lor. If I can help in any way, just let me know. I'm guessing his room & school are less than 15 minutes from my home and work.

-- Jeff S.

[The Walker]

... in response to my plan, posted by MsDuong on Aug 18, 2002


I think if you had been clearer in your initial post you may have gotten different responses. The "new" information changes things quite a bit, and makes things sound much more reasonable. As it stands now, things sound like you two are just sad because you are separated. I got engaged to my first wife then went to Viet Nam for a 13 month tour. Came back, got married and was sent to the FMF for a Mediterranean cruise for 6 months, two weeks after our honeymoon was over. Came back and after 6 months had to go TDY to California for 60 days.

Separations early on really suck, but they can make for a stronger marriage in the long run. In fact, my ex only left me after I was technically retired and available 24/7. Absence DOES makes the heart grow fonder. The thing with the in-laws is still a little troubling but could be explained by the fact that they are probably putting in the effort for him since he's away, and the dishes will begin again once he's back. One reason I (and I believe Tim, too) qualified my advice is that things seemed a little sudden from the information you gave. You can't expect good feedback from sketchy details.

Right now you have the missed-man blues. Talk to military and ex-military wives, they can tell you how to cope. If he sounds lonely and just as unhappy as you are, I don't think your marriage is in trouble. You just caught a bad break on the exam date. Sounds like he's not exactly having a rollicking good time out there, either. He got married, moved to a new country, lost his brother and is now separated from his wife and living in a hole in the wall and surviving off noodles. Naturally he's upset.

Try to think how good it will be when you do get back together. That's what kept me going more than once in my latest little adventure. And Vicky sure did deliver! Make sure when he returns that you have some special time for the two of you to re-acquaint yourselves and remind him why he came back. ;-)

If he went to improve the family finances, that shows he wants to contribute in a family way. And that is a good thing. Shows he's getting used to the idea of responsibility for a family.

So long as he does come back I think this trip will have been good for the two of you. Only you will be able to judge if his motives and reasons are sincere. We cannot. We don't hear his voice and look him in the eye. Remember, he is a stranger in a strange land.

Vicky and I had more than one misunderstanding early on. Most were amusing (sometimes more from my point of view than hers) and Vicky had traveled extensively, including to the US. Filipinos have a history with the US that does not include a very nasty war between us within the last generation or so, and even they sometimes find this place rather much to take all at once. Ask any man here who married a Filipina and he has amusing and not so amusing stories of the unexpected cultural differences, early depression and homesickness. Just because Thai is a man does not make him immune to all this. Adding in the pressure that he feels he should be the actual head of the household really adds more stress if anything.

Let things work themselves out, young lady. You will know in your heart if something is seriously wrong. Right now you just sound frustrated, not betrayed. Don't confuse the one for the other.
DON

[equitis]

... in response to my plan, posted by MsDuong on Aug 18, 2002

Hello Lori,
  My name is Rolf.I am new to the board.I recently started corresponding with young Ladies from the philippines.I have read(lurker) most of your journey with Thai.It has been very interesting.Mainly(for me) because it is the other way around.
  The doubt I have in the process of meeting (pen-pal,on computer,or on vacation)and marrying someone overseas is the green card shark.It is a hard blow to recover from when you open ,and give your heart away.Then finding out the only thing wanted was a way to a different country.
  When I first saw your post "heres the truth". Based on the last posts I read where you were having trouble.I immediatly thought Thai screwed you over.When I actually read the post.I still thought there was trouble.I am glad you realise it was your post that made people jump to the conclusions they did.If you had even used a different title,like "married life is hard" I think the responses you received would have been alot different.
  I hope things work out for you and Thai.With this last post it does look like nothing more than a bump in the road.
   

[Tim]

... in response to my plan, posted by MsDuong on Aug 18, 2002

Lori, I don't know if you read all the replies to your initial post, but some of us (a small minority, unfortunately) gave a different reply, one that was not so negative. Your follow-up messages clarified the situation alot, and it does appear to be as I suspected (and hoped).  Separation is hard; family interference in your marriage is hard, but these things can be part of marrying someone from southeast Asia.

Please don't be too hard on the guys who expressed such negative opinions. I honestly think they meant well, in their own way.

It's interesting how I can revisit this board after long absences and read the same stuff from the same people.
While it does give me a warm and fuzzy feeling of nostalgia, the lack of personal growth is also a little sad.

Just my opinion, all flames will be ignored.

Regards, Tim

[Jimbo]

... in response to Some of us gave a different reply, posted by Tim on Aug 18, 2002

Tim - no flames here,

It's clear that Lori unintentionally put up a post with sketchy information and some alarming red flags, so some people, especially those who have been burned, were quick to assume the worst.  I think to some degree that's understandable.  Even Howard, thoughtful and analytical in nature as he is, appeared quite concerned.  I wouldn't call those points of view negative - just different in that most of them expressed a need for action sooner rather than later, as you proposed.  Admittedly, sometimes the speculation gets a bit wild.

I honestly think "same stuff, same people" is a bit harsh.  For me it's a sign of progress to see input from people involved with non-filipina asian ladies; Bob S, Jeff, and WB with the Japanese perspective, for example.  More involvement from those inclined toward a Chinese relationship would be great.  You've chosen to take those "long absences" and that leaves us deficient in the area.  That's ok, you have your reasons, but I, for one, would still like to see growth in that area for this board.  You could help us if you continue to pop in now and then, fielding questions about China and getting the participation going, while refraining from chasing  those people away.  I mean that sincerely.
Best Regards to you and Wendy,

Jim

[Mars]

... in response to my plan, posted by MsDuong on Aug 18, 2002

What gave us the impression that things were going bad is what you said in your initial post about the relatives that quit calling.

[MsDuong]

... in response to Re: my plan, posted by Mars on Aug 18, 2002

I don't know why. But I haven't called them either. We have talked a few times. When Thai calls, He asks me to call them and let them know how he is doing. I don't always call. Thay know how to use a phone too, ya know. I think they are suprised that I am not a laid back--agree with everything-type of person. Maybe they think I am too boisterous. I show alot of emotion if I am upset. If you know the vietnamese, they don't like it when someone shows their anger. I guess it shows weakness, or something.
Me and Thai have had a few arguements that I have had to have his niece come over and interpret for us.  So, I guess that lets the family into our business too much for my liking.
Thai went to an english class a few times a week here. But he quit because he said they were trying to get him to take his G.E.D. He didn't want that--he just wanted english school. After he left I went to talk to his teacher. She said he scored too high in the english to need classes. But what she did not understand is that his listening and speaking skills are lacking. So when he gets back, he'll go to school.

[Jay]

... in response to yeah.., posted by MsDuong on Aug 18, 2002

Well,

That was my first thought. Maybe they just don't like you. LOL!

Anyway glad to hear all is ok.

Jay

[Bob S]

... in response to yeah.., posted by MsDuong on Aug 18, 2002

"I think they are suprised that I am not a laid back--agree with everything-type of person. ...I show alot of emotion if I am upset. ... I guess it shows weakness, or something."

This is very true.  Someone down below mentioned that it has nothing to do with cultural differences, it's just common courtesy.  Obviously that is not correct.  There is a cultural gulf that is not easy to bridge.  Most guys here are dealing with Philippine culture.  And maybe after centuries of domination by various Western powers (namely Spain & The U.S.), they are more comfortable showing their feelings and expressing them.  That is something we can understand.  But for many Buddhist cultures, stoic resolve is respected and conflict is something best avoided. (It is a common experience among expats here in Japan that they never get honest contructive feedback from their Japanese managers.  It often comes from a third party.)  If you have previously dragged them into a few episodes of your marital discord (rather than quietly stoicly dealing with them on your own as they would expect from a Vietnamese wife), by now they probably regard you as trouble to be avoided.  It's not a question of right or wrong, it simply is a matter of perspective from their culture.

"I don't always call. Thay know how to use a phone too, ya know."

Don't expect them to.  They are probably scared of you.  Do you want the awkward silence to end?  Because of their culture they cannot make that step forward.  But because of your culture, you can.  The question is, how important is peace to you?  Can you suck it up and make pleasant conversation for one night of dinner at your place?  Not talk about your feelings of sorrow, loneliness without your husband, etc?  Let them know you are just a nice person to be around.

"She said he scored too high in the english to need classes. But what she did not understand is that his listening and speaking skills are lacking."

That is very common here in Japan.  At our school, we have many students who can score very high on standarized English tests but cannot put it together for speaking or understand it when spoken.  Even some for our highest level students, normal conversation speed it just too fast for them.  I often recommend that they watch English movies in English (not dubbed) and with the English subtitles turned on so they can see it spoken in context, hear it, and read it at the same time.  In the States, watching TV with the closed captioning turned on is also helpful for ESL speakers.

[Dave H]

... in response to Stoic vs. Passionate; English, posted by Bob S on Aug 19, 2002

N/T