Culture Shock and its Fixable answers

[SingleDad318]

I have been thinking about this one for a while.
When bringing someone to the US who has no idea of what a cultural difference it is from their country, can add extra pressure on a relationship after awhile. I believe this is why so many inter-cultural relationships fail after an average of 5 years.
Being some who has been married 2x before (both were american) I certainly do not want to have another marriage fail. Both were of my decision to end them after irreconsilable differences.
However, that being said, This is what I am going to commit to my relationship with my girlfriend in Beijing. 2 times a year I am going to plan our vacation time so we can both go back to Beijing so she can visit her family. I feel this would be the best way to keep the inter-cultural stresses to a minimum and keep the marriage strong.
After careful thought and much soul searching, if the shoe were on the other foot, I would want this done for me. I believe they call it compromise and smart planning.
Yes, that much travel can be expensive but it is full value beneficial if you desire to keep a marriage vibrant and full.
I fortunately live in FL and we would be able to do the touristy things here to break the monotony of overseas travel 2x a year.

any thoughts?

Jody

[The Walker]

... in response to Culture Shock and its Fixable answers, posted by SingleDad318 on May 26, 2002

I think the best way to avoid the initial culture shock is twofold: Spend as much time together initially as you possibly can, and take a lot of time to explain how things work, especially around the house. American washers may work different from the Chinese or Japanese variants she is used to. She won't be readily able to translate "rinse, permapress, short, mini" etc. we use more slang than we realize. We use small, little, tiny, mini, micro and such all to mean small.

The differences in language between US slang and correct English can be both hilarious and a big problem. Try to use as little slang as possible at first. You'll be surprised if you go at it conscientiously, at how much slang we really use.

It is good to have some peel and stick blank labels she can write on. You tell her what a setting means, she writes it in native language or terms she is used to, and sticks it in the proper place. Works great on all appliances, esp. washer, dryer, dishwasher, and cooktop/oven. And ESPECIALLY the microwave. And double especially the iron if she uses one. I have noticed than on Japanese irons the settings are located in different places than in the US. Don't want her to ruin a synthetic blouse by using the linen setting. Sure to make for tears and frustrations. We use fahrenheit to measure temperature, she'll probably use celcius. We use cups, teaspoons and such to measure, for her you'll have to buy her some metric measuring cups/spoons or else have her bring some over if she uses a system other than metric. We use pounds, she'll use kilos, etc. You can buy a handy conversion chart. Hopefully it is printed on plastic, but you can have it lamninated at any Kinkos or other office supply store easily enough. Get one with the full measure conversion...temperature, weight, volume (dry and fluid). Oh, and many Chinese are very fluent in US dollars, but less so in US small change and US prices.

A great rice cooker is mandatory, but let her choose it at a local Chinese market.

As for personal mannerisms, you must explain to her that she has to ask you about even the smallest questions she has. Filipinas point with their lips instead of their fingers half the time. Asians also seem to use eyebrow gestures more then we do, and they use them consciously, not subconsciously, as we often do. Eventually you'll both get used to each other's mannerisms, and it will be almost a secret code between the two of you here in the US.

Stock up on native-language movie tapes and books and subscribe to native-language newspapers if possible. You'll have to get additional software to deal with Chinese characters on your computer, but I imagine you have already done that.

To sum it up, it isn't the big things that make for homesickness and culture shock, it is an accumulation of the little, everyday things. Takes work and conscious effort from both to overcome it, but it isn't all that hard once you get into the habit.

And a trip back home every so often will also work wonders, you are correct.

-Don

[Howard]

... in response to Culture Shock and its Fixable answers, posted by SingleDad318 on May 26, 2002

SD,

Sounds like you're on the right track.  BTW congratualtions on meeting someone sepcial enough to make this all a necessity

Now, I do NOT mean to cast aspersions, I am just speaking from personal expirience, but the best preparations you can make is the preparation you make together.  Try not to preplan her life for her--I am not saying that you are, I am speaking from my own naivete--rather, find as many options as are reasonably available to the two of you and let her have her input in the choices that are supposed to aleviate her sorrow, homesickness, culture shock, etc...  You might be surprised by her resilience  There are no sure answers and no one way to do things.  You can do everything correctly, have her best interest at heart and still fail, but you can't have that attitude going in, it's just something that you need to realize.

The best preparation is making sure that the lines of communication are open and well traveled.  You must be patient, but the rewards are obviously tremendous  Have her teach you about her culture, books are general and too broad when dealing with Asian culture, even the ones that are supposed to be about her dialect or region.  And no book, class or teacher can replace you in the equasion

Nothing is more important that open, honest communication in both directions.  Just because is freely flowing from you doesn't mean that you have it.

No matter what, trust your gut!  If something seems wrong, I mean really wrong, don't use the "cultual differences" explanation on yourself to justify things.  If it's right you will know and she will be your greatest ally

Good Luck!  You might want to find Tim's discussion board, it deals specificly with Chineese/American Relationships, where we here are more general, leaning towards the Fil/Am relationships.  You'll like Tim, trust me

If there's anything I can do just ask, my email is readily available and I am always happy to help

Keep the Faith!

H

[Jeff S]

... in response to Culture Shock and its Fixable answers, posted by SingleDad318 on May 26, 2002

Lori is right, there are just thousands of tiny differences and subtlties that differentiate the cultures, particularly if you're talking Asian and European stock Americans, and these can all lead to marital tension. I'm guessing it's less pronounced between Fil/Am couples than other non-english speaking and non-christian faith Asians, but still there nonetheless. In my own case, I'd spent several months spread over several years, in my wife's country on business, and spoke her language better than she spoke English. I'd also studied her country's history, knew quite a bit about her religious practices and their meanings, etc. but it still was pretty rocky at first. As Lori mentioned, the smallest details can send the wrong message and lead each of you to non-verbally communicate things you never intended. Don't get me wrong, it was worth the trouble and I'll never regret taking the road less travelled, but anyone who says this is easy, hasn't ever done it themselves.

Your idea of traveling there is a good one. My wife went to Japan several times per year after we were married and though I didn't go every time, tried to make it there a week or two every year since. The past few years that has slowed down a bit, but it's still our main vacation option. You'll be surprised at how much you learn every time you go. I'm still in awe of the amount of new information I pick up every time I go and that's been a lot of time since the mid 70s. You'll also find out that it's not so expensive when visiting relatives - probably cheaper than heading out a few states away in your car, staying in Holiday Inns and eating in resturaunts, since all the relatives take you in, show you off, all their friends and extended family invite you over, etc, your sweetie will know the inexpensive but good places to eat out, etc, and you end up spending far less than you ever would as a tourist.

Probably the most important thing you can do is learn the language - luckily she's from Beijing, so Mandrin ought to be enough and you won't have to worry about the 15 or so other languages spoken there. Along with that is learning about the culture, religion(s), history, and celebrations. Since they've been in my collection for over 30 years and are an essential part of understanding the east and China in particular, I'd commit the Tao Te Ching - Lao Tzu (several different translations,) and The Art of War - Sun Tzu, to more than just a cursory glance. I'd also read everyting I could about Chinese medicine. The basic concepts of different types of energies - Chi, shen, etc. and basic concepts of the medicine system underlie some behavioral aspects of Chinese culture.

Just a few thoughts.

-- Jeff S.

[MsDuong]

... in response to Culture Shock and its Fixable answers, posted by SingleDad318 on May 26, 2002

In my short experience, I do not believe that a few trips home a year can dimminish culture shock. I believe the only way to deal with culural differances is to study eachothers cultures. We must have a deep respect for eachothers culture, and learn to acknoledge cultural differances when they arise. Thai and I have a few times misstaken cultural differances for rudeness or even selfishness on eachothers part. It is a game of give and take.

Some of his cultural upbringing is totally foriegn to me. For example, if we have a discussion I expect him to look at me when he is speaking. I always say, "Look at me, Please". In his culture it is very disrespectful to look at the other person when you are talking. You should look away as a sign of respect. In my culture ,if you won't look at someone in the eye, it usually means thay are not being truthful to you. This may seem mundane to a few, but in reality, it is the simplest things that can go missunderstood.

I know I may be a little off this topic. But I do , in my heart, believe that in order to have your spouse overcome his or her culture shock is to know what to expect from them as far as their "cultural"  behavior goes. The better you can do that, the easier it might be for them to overcome some of their own culture shock. Because I do believe it is not only them that experience the culture shock, but it is also us that experience a type of culture shock on a differant level.
...my 2000 dong worth

[SingleDad318]

... in response to Re: Culture Shock and its Fixable answer..., posted by MsDuong on May 26, 2002

Thanks MsDuong, i appreciate your insight. I should have also used the phrase "home sickness" along with culture shock. I believe it is highly important for her to keep the family bonds together rather than isolate someone from their roots, fortunately in todays society we have the internet as a filler for times when you cant be there. I agree it is important to know and understand as much as one can about their spouses culture ( I fortunately studied Chinese History for 2 years coincidentally) so I have somewhat of a overview.
When I began my venture of inter-cultural dating I said to myself a few things.
I have always had a draw to asian culture and asian women (this goes back as early as my pre teen years) but I never pursued it. I figured since I'm single again I would pursue what has intrigued and driven me for many years. Don't ask why I never did it before, I can't seem to find the answer other than a ephinany.
I figured I should go with what I know and that is drawing from my background in Chinese History.
I have always had a dream of doing what I am pursuing now and as fate would have it I found exactly what I was looking for when I wasn't looking.
I have never been attracted to white american women, I am a white male who has been married inter-racially twice. Once to a Puerto Rican and once to a Moor (black spanish).

Again, Thanks for your insight, it is indeed appreciated.

Jody