? 4 those with spouses already here

[Frank O]

I've read countless times about how a spouse/lady adjusting to living in the USA will eventually go through a period of depression. Seeing my lady, God willing, will be here on May 3rd how LONG does it tend to take before this sort of depression sets in?

[Ryan]

... in response to ? 4 those with spouses already here, posted by Frank O on Apr 24, 2005

In my situation everything is going very well.  Like you I was concerned about the home sick depression period but so far I am lucky.  She has lived with me here in Florida for 3 Months.  Some things that I did to prepare: First it has to do with the woman that I chose to spend my life with.  She is full of life, hard working and everyone loves to be around her.  Second, she has the latest Russian technology, a laptop that connects at high speed and a digital camera so that she can regularly write to her mother, friends and family back in Russia as well as send pictures.  Again I am lucky her family also has all the latest technology and knows how to use it.  I have a phone that is programmed with long distance calling card type technology that is so cheep it is almost the same price for her to call home to Russia as it is for me to call Michigan.  Then the community, she attends adult education classes down the street taking FREE English classes paid for by the state of Florida.  It lets he see other people and experience how they life etc.  She doesn’t practically like the class but knows that it is important step.  She speaks and write English very well she is just getting more involved etc.  I have a dog (cocker spaniel) that is at home with her during the day.  We have the pool, use it all year long it’s Florida!  We have the ocean, the snorkeling is fantastic and minutes away.  She spend most of her days reading my old History books and learning new words.  So, it sum this all up…  You have to pick the right woman first, be lucky as hell second, try and think ahead, study like you are and plan.  But at the same time make everything seem like her idea….lol

[Frank O]

... in response to Plan and be lucky...., posted by Ryan on Apr 27, 2005

Thanks for the feedback. How does she like the Florida heat & humidity? I ask because we have the same weather!! I too plan on spending much time in South Padre Island with her. She claims she doesn't like beaches but she's basing that on a visit to the Black sea. Don't think it's the same man!! As for work she has work lined up as a dog fancier/trainer. She absolutely LOVES dogs. SO I promised her whatever dog she wants short of a monster like her St. Bernard. She has chosen a doberman so we'll see about that. Anyways she is really pumped. Her English is fluent & is already working on her Spanish. I have to work on getting a cyrillic keyboard & trying to figure something out for the phones as that has been a constant source of problems for us.

[Stevo]

... in response to ? 4 those with spouses already here, posted by Frank O on Apr 24, 2005

cycles of depression.  Over time, the length and frequency of the depression cycles has diminished (thankfully).  But they started on day 2, and 5 years later, they still occur.

Good luck, you'll need it (as anyone on this list who is married can attest).

[wsbill]

... in response to It's not a single period, unfortunately...., posted by Stevo on Apr 25, 2005

Inactivity in the body, and to much activity in the brain.

Tell her, she will rust out from the inside.
Before she will wear out on the outside...

Go buy some seeds and a gardening fork.

[LP]

... in response to Re: Depression is all about, posted by wsbill on Apr 25, 2005


..She's 19 years old Bill, she already has way too much activity in the brain. And gardening? You must be kidding. Me thinks 'ol Frank there is in for a rough ride...

[wsbill]

... in response to Re: Re: Depression is all about, posted by LP on Apr 26, 2005

So, two years later she's 21yo.

Course his profile sez he's 35yo.  When was the last time he updated that?

The one thing he's got going for him is the fact he's from McAllen, Texas.  If he's a rancher or a business owner this very well maybe a do able marriage.

Where as if he worked in a factory and she sat at home all day, it could be a real problem.

What I'd like to see is a photograph of here and him together, just so see if they're a photo match.

But I doubt, if he's going to supply us with one.

[Globetrotter]

... in response to Re: He met her when she was 19yo, posted by wsbill on Apr 26, 2005

Well Bill, he's a musician and not a rancher.  Ahyhow, he seems like a really nice guy...and we all wish him well.

[LP]

... in response to Re: Re: He met her when she was 19yo, posted by Globetrotter on May 2, 2005


...He's never struck me as the sharpest tack in the box but I sense a decent guy with a big heart and good intentions. It's why I've been a bit hard on him at times. I've little sypmathy for most MOB guys who get stomped after being blinded by the light but I always hate to see a decent Moe take the hit. I sense bad WX ahead but here's hoping I'm wrong.

[RickM]

... in response to ? 4 those with spouses already here, posted by Frank O on Apr 24, 2005

Although I completely emphasize with the lady(s)coming here to a foreign country and certainly being subjected to some major changes and adjustments in just about every aspect of her life life in the beginning,I think their comes a point equally where despite us trying to make them as comfortable as possible during their transitions,a time also comes where I think "she" needs to take the responsibilities of her own committments to what she knew was going to be hard and difficult work at times and she must get busy and jump to the "other side of the fence" and make a healthy decision to "not be the poor hand-capped foreigner struggling in a new way of life" but she must begin to look at her self and new life as being the same as anyone else here and do whatever is necessary to establish that status.

I think for most of us nice guys (and we have(had) our motives too of why we decided to go this route with a foreign lady),we all have succombed to almost all the things mentioned here in the articles posted,as far as trying to make our ladie's transitions as smooth as possible.I myself did just about everything mentioned in these posts and they are in my opinion very good sugesstions and actions to assist your lady during her adjustment.

Now,almost 4 years later,I am at the "other" side and looking at my wife from the outside and seeing and realizing some selfishness and lazyness on her behalf.(Kind of like when you meet an old immigrant living in USA that wants all the benefits of living in the country and becoming a citizen but not willing to work enough so much as to even learn the language...It kind of makes me want to say to them "hey,if you want to live here at least learn the language or make a legitimate attempt"...

My wife speaks very good English now,got her driver's license in a little over a year,learned all about shopping and spending money instantly and she loves anything new and exciting.However,when it comes down to having to do things that represent some hard work,"that's" when the hardship symptons now seem to occur and I hear about how difficult it is to make such changes in her life.Easy things,no complaints...Difficult things,all kingds ofmoaning and groaning like a child...

Certainly my wife's motive leaving her country consisted a great part on having the oppertunity to live in a country where life could offer more of a chance at an easier and more rewarding life with perhaps even where her gender as a woman would hold more status and respect on a humanistic level by comparison to the part of the world here she came from.Woman have many rights here in USA that don't exist in "many" parts of the world.

To make a long story short...I don't believe you are helping your lady at some point unless you almost force her to make the changes necessary to become a living part of the new country she is choosing to live in.
Some hard facts for her to realize is that most USA families have both spouses working and earning incomes.My wife still thinks this is Disneyland and hasn't even tried to get a job or earn a single penny but on the other side she learned checkbooks,credit-cards,savings etc. without batting an eyelash...She loves her beautiful homebut "stil" doesn't completey know how to operate her $400.00 vacumn cleaner.She loves driving her paid for auto but has not learned yet how to wash and wax it...And shopping,she does not see it from the point of "spending" she sees it from the point of "saving" from using all those Sunday fliers...GET IT

My advice right from the very beginning...Let you lady know both sides of everything from the verybeginning.It's very easy to become such an enabler in the beginning trying to make everything easy for them but be careful that you don't creat your own Frankenstein at the same time or you will be spending time helping her "UNLEARN" all those nice things that you taught her in the very beginning...

Getting her here and marraige $5,000.00
Jewelry and other gifts $5,000.00
Photos and mail abroad monthly $25.00
Adjusting all her INS paperworks $$1,200.00
Language books,tapes,movies etc. $1,000.00
Calling cards for her monthly at least $25.00.00
Her medical and dental $6,000.00 and still going
Special trips to "European Markets" monthly $125.00
Clothes,shoes for every day of week $250.00 monthly
Driver's license,car,fuel and yearly insurance $14,000.00
Heating bill has more than doubled as well as food bill...
Her "own" notebook pc $1200.00
Her "allowance" weekly $100.00 to $150.00

.........................................................
WIFE COMING HOME AND SAYING "I JUST GOT A JOB..."PRICELESS"...

[romachko]

... in response to Opposite Situation Here...A Little Long...., posted by RickM on Apr 25, 2005

Excellent obsevation and advice!!!

[Apk1]

... in response to ? 4 those with spouses already here, posted by Frank O on Apr 24, 2005

I have seen both sides to this story, those that adjusted well...and those that wanted to go back home.
 My advice may not be the best, but worked well for my wife and others that I know....get her involved with new friends and keep her busy with ESL education and have her take up a hobby. Most of Russian and Ukraine Lady's love to garden, this is the time of year to get that vegetable garden going.
 What you do not want to do is to isolate her and trap her in the home, educate her to her surroundings and take a lot of long walks to know the neighborhood. The most important this is to let her have some sense of self worth...she is already familiar with US dollars, let her shop on her own...let her feel her way around.
 She will always be dependant on you, slowly she will develop her own way of doing things. My wife has been driving for 2 1/2 years now....she has just recently started to tell me I go the wrong way to simple destinations....but I let her think she is right, even though my way is longer it is always quicker :-)
  My wife loves the Sunday newspaper....she lets me read the news section and she takes the advertisements (what she calls her paper) and clips out coupons and likes to look at the clothing ads. When my mother in law was here last year,,,she spent an entire day looking at the sunday ads.
 I also have found a few small grocery stores that supply ethnic food such as dried fish that my wife can go to whenever she craves such "delicacies" that I do not care for.

Good luck....but my advice is just one example, no need to critique.

[romachko]

... in response to Re: ? 4 those with spouses already here, posted by Apk1 on Apr 25, 2005

Every bit of advice helps for a new comer.

[wsbill]

... in response to Re: ? 4 those with spouses already here, posted by Apk1 on Apr 25, 2005

[This message has been edited by wsbill]

Go to and ask for free catalog:

Johnnyseeds.com ; also has online catalog....

seedsofchange.com ; also has online catalog...

Make sure you order some Mammoth Sunflower Seeds about 3 packs, guys trust me... you can't screw up these flowers!

And they'll remind her of home.  Which, the more you can convey to them...this is there new home now, all the better.

IF you need a tiller go RENT ONE. most places cost $25-40 for a day.  Just avoid the logical location where telephone line might be at.  or Call telephone company to find the line.

The gardening season is upon you right now and until late June.

If your girl doesn't like to garden, go out there and show her how bad of a gardener you are and I will bet she will tell you to leave and she'll show you how it is done!  Reverse psychology in play.

[romachko]

... in response to How to spark that Gardening Spirit, posted by wsbill on Apr 25, 2005

(1) Walmart garden department.
(2) Sunday ads.

.. to name a few.