How have the exes reacted

[fathertime]

I have given some thought to a budding problem I may have shortly. The problem is how is my ex wife going to react to me bringing home a young woman from the Ukraine.  My long time buddy from high school is a lawyer and has vicariously seen a few of these scenierios and told me I am in for a whole heap of trouble.  He believes generally the Exes seek vengence in any form they can.  In my case I have little kids that I take care of alot and I want to keep that way.  I have even contemplated telling the old girl that I am going to UK to find a woman to marry, but things are going smoothly and everyone is getting along so I do not want to rock that boat until I have to.  

What have some of you guys who have been previously hitched said to the old girl?  What in the wide wide world of sports did they do when they saw what you brought back?!  Tell me what kind of things should I plan for based on your experiences.  I can envision having a larger flat forehead from the flung frying pan.  

I already know not to gloat or rub anything in.  I would not do that anyway because that is just childish and pointless and asking for trouble.  

Thanks

[Frank O]

... in response to How have the exes reacted, posted by fathertime on Jan 29, 2005

My ex & me split up "amicably". We are still friends though we hardly speak unless she calls (& that only when she needs something). It was actually HER that encouraged me to go to Ukraine/Russia. She had married a younger Albanian man she met in Rome, & strongly encouraged me to do something for ME. I could not understand her reason but I took my first trip. When I brough pics back she was not sure what to think. She thought I was making a mistake. Then I married Diana who honestly looks like a younger, slimmer & prettier version of my ex. She has NOT seen her yet but several relatives though when they FIST saw the pics that me & Linda had gotten back together.
Anyways to this date she is very positive & happy for me. She DOES point out things in OUR relationship (my ex's) & tries to get me to "fix" that in this marriage. Believe me I AM trying. Mostly having do with listening to bitching & stuff like that.

[RickM]

... in response to How have the exes reacted, posted by fathertime on Jan 29, 2005

I wish for any other person the same happiness I wish for myself...But,"nobody" understands and will take care of me like I can...That is called "Healthy Selfishness"...

If another is jealous or disagrees of my decisions with "my" life or if they can't understand or appreciate my happiness then I suppose there simply isn't any room for that person in my life,sorry...

Aside from a close friend or two,I didn't tell anyone about my first trip because I didn't have a clue as to what the outcome would be...
When I "did" meet the one I decided to marry,I began to inform those close to me and those I was involved with in my life.Including the ex and mother of my youngest and still minor that she had custody of.

Surprizingly,all,including the ex remained good friends and wished me the best,"however..."...
It was the "daughter" of mine that felt somewhat "abandoned" and had and still has a hard time realizing and getting used to "fitting in" instead of compeiting for my time and emotions...

She is simply too young and immature to realize that I love them all the same but in diffeent ways...
To the daughter,it is a threat to her me having a new wife and new child...
Instead of becoming a part of this she feels like she was outcast from "all" the focus...(It's her insecurity and I can't fix it for her...)The ex is mature enough to realize that happiness in life is what we all truelly desire and deserve...

Now,on "another" note...Be careful what you select for a wife...What you see there is usually what you'll be getting...
My wife was far from good at managing money and it was clearly obvious when I met her...
NOW...it is becoming somewhat of an issue with our lives and marraige here.........
I'd advise anyone going this route to make sure you discuss "CLEARLY" "EVERYTHING" "BEFORE" makig any serious decisions about getting married and trying to spend a life together.

Me thinks "STILL" that many of these gals are looking more for a "caretaker" than a lover and they don't know the difference between the two from "our point of view" because probably most FSU and UKR woman don't have an oppertunity to have such a cozy lifestyle on their own incomes as compared to some USA woman's earnings...

I hate to admit it but many,many times it feels like I have 2 children here I am caring for rather than a wife and child ...The wife certainly learned how to spend but doesn't have a clue how to earn or budget...4 years later...

[Haroshij]

... in response to "Healthy Selfishness" And What..., posted by RickM on Jan 30, 2005

I read what you told us about your wife's problem with managing money. That looks a little strange to me as most independant FSU women know very much how to manage their money. If your wife is so young that she has not had her own economy, I can understand it. However from what you wrote it looks to me that you saw this problem before you married. I don't doubt what you are saying, of course, and I agree with you that special  trait of character you observe before you marry, will most sure be there afterwards also.

Still I think managing money is not the most typical problem you will meet with FSU women. I think more problematic is the cultural differances. An American woman knows all the unwritten codes in your country. When you marry a foreign woman, she needs to learn all those sort of codes. That is not easy and can make misunderstanding and conflicts especially because I think America appears more strange to most of us over here than ever.

Haroshij

[RickM]

... in response to Re: "Healthy Selfishness" And ..., posted by Haroshij on Feb 1, 2005

I respect your comment Haroshij...

Truth,my wife and I are about 14 yrs. difference and she was 31 when I married her.Not a child...
Point I was trying to elaborate was for someone looking to "pay close attention" to what woman say and write from  the very beginning...
I think it's so easy to mis-interpet each other with the customs and language barriers.

Certainly,my wife was looking for a better quality life.She was living as a white 4% Christian Russian minority in Bishkek,Kyrgyzstan,a Sumy Muslim Aisian culture that was previously owned by Russia.
It just so happened that after 1991,having a Kyrgyz passport and being Russian was not the best sceniaro for life.
It "was" her native land but things had changed tramatically since her family moved there in the early 60's...

The "only" thing she liked was that Bishkek was familiar and modern.She'd have never moved back to the "farmland" where her family returnd to inside Russia after perestrokya.No phone,get dirty farming nd be so isolated???(NYET...)
The parents were coming up on retirement and with Russian passports they certainly needed to live back inside Russia after perestroyka so they packed up and moved like the Beverly Hillbillies shortly after 1991.

My case in point...

Most all the wife's friends when I met her were people who "helped" her.Yes,she worked about 60 hours a week at a Jewish (friend of the family's) jewelry store.
Her apartment,(owned by a friend of the family's)was in a poor remote area of the city and almost empty.
According to USA standards,she was in poverty and struggling.

Her dream was to meet someone who could "care" for her and help her improve her life...I don't blame her...
Of course she had morals and standards about relationships to some degree but when she met me it all became all too easy for her and her survival skills diminished (because there simply was no need for them anymore)...

Now...Living here in USA nearly 4 years...The thought of actually working or trying to even earn money has not even crossed her mind because compared to her previous lifestyle this is "HEAVEN"...When I speak about it she says ya,ya,ya I'll find a job but it never happens.She has not made a single effort...

Origionally,our plan was to get her settled,get her familar with driving and all the other changes and finding her a half-way decent job to keep her busy,help give her an identity and help her get out and meet people.Never happened...Of course "any" income she eaned would help the household and more importantly help her learn and realise the value of an earned dollar.She'll never learn otherwise...

Highlight of her week is checking the Sunday Newspaper flyers for sales......
What would this girl do God-forbid if I died???Look for "another" caretaker???Catch my drift???

[fathertime]

... in response to "Healthy Selfishness" And What..., posted by RickM on Jan 30, 2005

Lots of useful info. for me.  Appreaciate it.