Expectations, expectations ...

[Rostick]

Dear All,

First of all thanks for showing such a great interest in the post that I made.

For the most part when people travel to Ukraine they expect to see nice women as they are described on all the agency web-sites. Most of them are kind, honest, dependable, love to travel, do sports, love children and want a happy family. Well, it's true, but only to a certain extent. I've dealt with a lot of people who would get frustrated or even angry with some ladies, who wouldn't show a certain amount of respect or interest towards a man. I know it hurts and I know that it's an unpleasant thing to go through, but look at it this way. If she doesn't have that interest in you, then she is not the one for you, why would she pretend to be someone who she is not - a woman in love. For the most part the reason for this frustration is the expectation we have. I must admit that the expectations which we all build up, for the most part, only spoil our experiences. Here is a very basic example.

A friend of mine really liked this one girl from Kiev, they've exchanged a few letters and photos, everything was perfect, until their first meeting happened. He wanted to be so nice to her, brought flowers, gifts, took her to a nice restaurant, planned carefully what they would do after a dinner, just everything was supposed to go perfect. Supposed to ... Then all of a sudden her sister called her and his date had to leave immediately because of whatever trouble her sister got into. Everything was broken to pieces, the whole plan fell apart, he felt as if she didn't like him and that's why she left, he ended up being alone for the evening and that pissed him off because everything was so planned and the expectation was for everything to go perfect.

One thing I must say life is life and things don't always go as planned. The flowers might not be the ones she likes, the gifts might not look right or appropriate, the restaurant might not be the best place for the first meeting, having things carefully planned doesn't always serve it's purpose. Of course you might say that having no plans is even worse. If you think about it yourself you`ll see, that for the most part the best planning you can do is to provide the time for the meeting and then let yourself, your true self guide you. Isn't it much better to feel relaxed at the time and just say, not to expect anything at all. Don't prepare a list of questions, don't plan the evening, just let it go. When she asks you what to do, you ask yourself a question what would be something for both of you to do, something you or she likes.

That's only a small part of it though. The other part which is very important is to stay away from expecting certain reactions from your date, interest, questions, happy smile etc. We are people and when you meet another person you learn about them, learn about what they want etc. If she isn't interested, then let it go, try to understand what she wants and what is she looking for, maybe even help her see and understand herself a little better, because a lot of times we expect women to act the way we want because we think that they see things exactly the same way we do. Sometimes, we go dancing when we don't feel like it, thinking "oh, how embarrasing, why do I have to go through it", you never know she might fall in love with the way you move.

The expectation isn't our best buddy in search for a partner, because it will only let us see what we want to see in people.

It will not let us learn their true nature and that is the most important thing in this whole process. The only thing which we can expect is for a person who shows up at the meeting to be a woman. Is she going to have interest in you, it depends on how things go, how you show yourself, your true self.

The only other thing, which I want to mention, is that a lot of people are trying to be extra nice during the meetings, and usually it doesn't help, because pretty soon, if you are not being yourself she is going to feel it and will lose interest, and it will be all over.

By the way if anybody is interested the example I described above is true and the relationship never worked out.

I hope that after reading this people will ask themselves a few questions about the expectations they have when going to Ukraine to find a bride.

With best wishes,

Rostick.

[KenC]

... in response to Expectations, expectations ..., posted by Rostick on Jul 23, 2004

Rostick,
While I agree that one should be himself, I also have to disagree with a number of points you make.

To go with no expectations is foolish as I see it.  If you have "no expectations" then any woman you meet will be sure to be good enough for you.  Sorry, but to have expectations is to have standards and to have standards for a woman you make your wife, is sound thinking to me.

Not to make plans also seems foolish to me.  "Don't plan the evening, just let it go" is not the best thing to do as I see it.  Sure, you should be flexible and open minded to change, but not everything has to be spontanious.  As a matter of fact, I see some very harmful decisions that can be made on the spur of the moment.  One of the best evenings I had in Russia was one that I meticulously planned out a romantic dinner for my sweetie in my flat. (This is exactly what I would have done back home for an important date.)  Also, not having a plan of action will make the guy seem unsure and less in charge to the woman.  And we all know that RW dislike men who are less than sure (confident) in themselves.

On your example of the RW leaving after a phone call:  Unless it was an emergency, I do not blame the guy for being upset.  After all, he DID travel from the other side of the world to spend time with her, not to spend time alone.

Being "extra nice" during courtship is only human nature too.  Getting to know someone well and falling in love with them leads to a comfortableness that allows the couple to "let their guards down" and truly be themselves.  Even though Lena and I act considerably different than when we were courting, there is a closeness that goes unspoken.  This is not to say that you discontinue ALL romantic behaviors that you displayed before marriage, but it does change some.  After all, marriage is a marathon, not a sprint.
KenC

[Cold Warrior]

... in response to Re: Expectations (not all bad), posted by KenC on Jul 24, 2004

Well, the lady who left the guy probably had the phonecall arranged to make a quick exit if needs be,I've know some guys and gals who prearrange a call. Tips for a good date...Switch your cell phone off and makes sure she does too.

[Rostick]

... in response to Re: Expectations (not all bad), posted by KenC on Jul 24, 2004

Hi Ken,

All people are different. Everybody has got their own way of doing things. Planning is important but only to some certain extent, there is a very thin line between "planning" and "forcing", all I`m trying to say that sometimes the plans we make are forcing us to follow them, even though our companion at the moment doesn't want it. Maybe sometimes planning is good, sometimes not. "Plan of action" doesn't make somebody look confident or not confident, it just shows that a person wants to do something specific.
Expectations have nothing to do with standards, the only expectation which has anything to do with marriage is the expectation to fall in love, and realize it when it happens.
Maybe there is a difference in a way we understand love. I always thought that real love has nothing to do with standards, positions, money, social status, for some people love is only a comfortable mixture of all those.
Again I have to say that all people are different.
Altogether you comment is very valuable thank you very much indeed.
Maybe later on, our posts will help more people get to " ...and they lived happilly everafter ... ".

With best wishes,
Rostick.

[tim360z]

... in response to Re: Re: Expectations (not all bad), posted by Rostick on Jul 25, 2004

Great expectations can lead to great disappointments.  Unreasonable or unrealistic expections can make for a very lonely person.  I think a realistic balance is best for anyone and what may work for me,  may not necessairly work for another.  Conversely,  what works best for you,  may not work for me as we are all different people with varying attributes.  

The "real love" you speak of Rostick, is a rather new invention in the long history of the marriage game..."romantic love" is a rather recent prerequisite for marriage as we look at the long history of human coupling through the ages.  "Romantic love" does have some success...but the highways are littered with failures,  especially today.  KenC had his own method,  then again Ken has a special charm all his own which not everyone will possess.  Cheerio, Tim

[jrm]

... in response to Re: Expectations (not all bad), posted by KenC on Jul 24, 2004

n/t

[AllenB]

... in response to Expectations, expectations ..., posted by Rostick on Jul 23, 2004

Once again, excellent post Rostick!  I believe you are absolutely right about everything but especially being yourself.  If you try to be extra nice in the beginning won't the woman think that you are not as interested in her later when you are just being yourself?

Best Regards,
Allen

[raenman]

... in response to Expectations, expectations ..., posted by Rostick on Jul 23, 2004

Great Post Rostick.Good advice, whether looking for a bride in former FSU, or looking for a girl here in America.I had an expeirance in Russia almost exactly like you describe.Sometimes we set ourselves up for failure.If I ever come back to Kiev, I will look you up.You seem like a decent sort.Thanx, Ray.