What is fair regarding household chores

[Albert]

Men, what is a fair situation regarding household chores when only the man is contributing money into the relationship?

Where both man and woman work full-time and contribute money to household expenses (even if it is not equal), I can see where it isn't such a terrible idea for the man to do some meal cooking, dishwashing by hand or via loading dishwasher, vacuuming, etc.

But, I have found a number of FSU women who take all expense paid vacations with me and then ask me if I won't help with the cooking and dishes at the apartments I rent.  If I were not on vacation in a distant location, I would just tell any woman who said this to FO and send them on their way.  But having spent a large sum of money to get us to a location, I do some chores just because I don't want to cause a ruckus and ruin the vacation.  But from the minute they ask me, I mentally cross them off my list for a future long-term mate.  So I wimp out at the time for convenience.

I want to say to them that if I pay all the money then their contribution should be to do the chores.  But I know if I say this then they will say I just want a slave and housekeeper.

Somehow it just doesn't seem right that I am expected to contribute all of the money and do chores also; when she is contributing no money and also not doing all the chores.

I suspect that these women have never had any help at home and are thinking that they are going to get me trained properly right from the start.  Perhaps a smart move in general on their part, but just won't work with me.

So am I wrong here  . . . or what?

[John K]

... in response to What is fair regarding household chores, posted by Albert on Dec 19, 2003

Of course, I'm speaking from married life, but this is how it breaks out in my household.  I do a lot of the cooking, dry dishes, fix things, and kill bugs.  Marina washes dishes, cooks sometimes, cleans the apartment top to bottom, does the laundry, and washes the cat (it's her cat anyway...).

[tfcrew]

... in response to What is fair regarding household chores, posted by Albert on Dec 19, 2003

..whatever   she says  thats "fair".
Sure you want to get married?

[vagn]

... in response to What is fair regarding household chores, posted by Albert on Dec 19, 2003

She probably works as hard as you, and makes a nickle
for every dollar you make. She values the effort, and can't do a thing
about the result.  You value the result, and dismiss the effort.
You are thinking "where's the money."  She is thinking,
"you didn't work *today* so get your @ss in the kitchen."

[wsbill]

... in response to What is fair regarding household chores, posted by Albert on Dec 19, 2003

[This message has been edited by wsbill]

Last night I was watching a TV series on PBS called "Frontier House" and what it is these people pledge they will live their lives for 9 months like our elders did 150 years ago.  They have to build everything themselves, there is a general store but selling only those items of their time.

Seems the guys that have a wife that giving her point of view have clearly the poorest marriages.  Their really is a pecking order in a house hold.  There is this one guy with his family and clearly you can see how her penny-anney nit-picking at him is wearing him down.

This in reality is what our society has done to men.  And the brave new world approaching us with women as a overwhelming majority as our bosses or the formost authority will just aid to our decline in our civilization.

I mean, at one time we thought the computer was going to replace us - which just may still happen, but it was very clear.  Atleast to me, who was trying to wear the pant in that guy family.

On the closure of the show the guy said he had a new self awareness that his marriage is probably over and he was moving on.  He said the experience of living in the way he was on the 1800's setting was a real awakening for him.  As work is down right a challenge.

I think you can go to pbs.com and find out what time it comes on.

--
With all that said - I don't think the guy had any problems taking out the trash or doing a few chores.

[Ukrainelover]

... in response to What is fair regarding household chores, posted by Albert on Dec 19, 2003

As AllenB has said below, it is all based on what is said prior to marriage or even the relationship (incase marriage is not in the horizon yet). I even discussed about house-hold chores within the first one hour after meeting (Don’t be surprised. - read my first post where I have wrote about proposing to marry her within few hours of first meeting!). We have been happily married for over 6 years. We have a son now too. My wife does the cooking, cleaning, dishes, etc. with pride. No questions asked. And she is no dumb female either. She is very assertive and aggressive. After I put her through the Masters in computer science degree here in US, she is now the “founding member” of a new wireless startup company and works full-time. I wouldn’t be surprised one day she might be CEO and making more money than me. Even if she becomes a CEO one day, I am sure she will do the household chores at home or hire someone else to do it. She has already allocated some of her chores to her Babushka who is living with us now.

If one didn’t talk about this topic prior to marriage and she is already in US, then tough luck. In such situation the societal norms come into play.  Nobody like unpleasant surprises. For instance, I never had in mind 7 years ago that one day she may working in US and that was not discussed before. Now I let her keep all the money she earns because it was never discussed that she has to financially contribute to the household. Telling her now she has to chip-in money for the household is an unpleasant surprise; so I let her keep it all. It doesn’t matter, fortunately in my case. After getting the job, she has been now taking me to restaurants and buying gifts for me often - just reversal of what used to be before!

My policy was to tell the truth up front to the lady I meet - prenuptial agreements, household chores, financial stuff, relationships with ex-wife, other kids, all my deficiencies and problems. And if the lady likes me despite all those, then I have nothing to fear later-on. If not move on. In my case I married the first girl I met in Ukraine.

[Gman]

... in response to What is fair regarding household chores, posted by Albert on Dec 19, 2003

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and i think that if expectations are made clear almost anything is ok.

however, i think some help is fair.  I've observed my future in-laws and the father always helps the wife with the dishes and he helps with some cooking.  I've been told a Ukrainian woman is not expected to peel potatoes.  

FWIW, IMHO

Gman

[Albert]

... in response to Re: What is fair regarding household cho..., posted by Gman on Dec 20, 2003

But does this wife work outside the home and bring in some money also?

[Gman]

... in response to Re: Re: What is fair regarding household..., posted by Albert on Dec 20, 2003

They work together in a family owned business.

[Albert]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: What is fair regarding house..., posted by Gman on Dec 20, 2003

OK, then they are both bringing in financial resources to the family home, hence they can both share household duties.  That was not the situation I posed in my original post.

[Gman]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: What is fair regarding h..., posted by Albert on Dec 21, 2003

once children are involved a woman will bear a greater burden in their upbringing even if she is working.  

You are free to do what you want.  But a woman may interpret your reluctance to help (irregardless of who is contributing financially) as a negative.
If you don't think it would be useful to observe how the woman works in the kitchen and find no benefit and no knowledge to be gained from sharing chores with her then fine.
My fiancee has observed her father helps her mother some and thinks a good husband helps.  She doesn't take into account who is contributing financially in her assesment.

[that guy]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: What is fair regardi..., posted by Gman on Dec 21, 2003

Seems to me it's a basic question of communication and help among a family. You don't need a pre-nuptual for house chores but if you look too close at these things all you'll probably end up needing is a good lawyer for your divorce..lol
 Common sense should be the thing that solves these issues but if you need a penal code set up for chores and household duties then it's gonna get messy.

[AllenB]

... in response to What is fair regarding household chores, posted by Albert on Dec 19, 2003

I am married to a beautiful, sweet, kind and very loving Ukrainian girl who is 17 years my junior.  When I first met her in Kiev we discussed many, many things and one of the things she asked was what I wanted in a wife.  I told her that I am a very busy professional with a 6 year old son with Cerebral Palsy from a previous marriage but he primarily lives with his mother.

I explained that I am successful at what I do but have very little time at home and want a girl who wants to have a family.  I told her I am old fashioned in my views when it comes to family and I want a girl who can be happy having children, taking care of the house and of course taking care of me

Anna and I get along famously because all expectations were laid on the table from the very start.  After our first meeting, whenever I visited her, she would take the train into Kiev to meet me but the train would arrive at 6:00am while my plane would not arrive in Borispol until 1:00 so I always arranged for a limo to pick her up at the train station and take her to our room at the Premier Palace.  I also made sure that Anya, at Premier Palace, had a nice rose bouquet in our room (we always have the same room).

Anna knows that I love her very much and will do anything for her and her family and in return she insists that she takes care of Alex, me and the household.

I am the luckiest man on the face of the earth.

[Albert]

... in response to Re: What is fair regarding household cho..., posted by AllenB on Dec 20, 2003

It looks like you have attained a very fair situation with your lady.

[LP]

... in response to What is fair regarding household chores, posted by Albert on Dec 19, 2003

...Not to be hard on you Albert but come on...

You do it all. You place her so high on a pedestal you need a telescope to see her. You need to worship her like the FSU Goddess she is. You constantly slave and fuss over her and feel immensely grateful for any attention she gives you. You want her to think you'd crawl 50 miles through the snow just to sniff the skid marks from the laundry truck that took her panties away. I know a guy in TX who can give you some tips...

Come on, you know better than to ask this kind of question. Geesh...