When it gets ugly

[Tim64]

I don't know how to write exactly what I need to write. I need some information on what happens when you withdraw an i-485. Does the marriage end? Do I still have to get divorced?

It started well enough. I found a thirty-something woman, with a 12 year old son. Spent time together, thought I knew her, and decided what-the-heck! Let's do it. She was very nice to me when I came to visit in Ukraine.
After she got off the plane, the surprises started. She didn't actually want a father for her son, thank you very much. In fact, if I wanted him to help me with anything, or tell him not to do bad things like take my tools and leave them all over the garage,  I had to ask her first. And when her mom got off the plane on what was supposed to be a 1 or 2 month visit for our wedding, suddenly she wanted to find a boyfriend and not go back home.  And my fiancee,  who didn't care where we lived, just as long as we were together, suddenly had a burning desire to move to Portland OR to be close to a girlfriend. And magically this friend found work for her mom, who doesn't care if she is breaking the law by working.
As for the english studies, that started out well enough, maybe an hour or so every day. But after the wedding ceremony, it just got too difficult. She doesn't have a tutor, and she doesn't have any CD's to help her study. It doesn't bother her at all to sit and talk with her son for hours on end in Russian, completely ignoring me. But if I ignore her for a while, or worse yet, ignore her son, well then, I'm just rude and inconsiderate.
I let it go this far because I wanted to see how she would treat me. I wanted to know if she would return kindness with kindness, or if she would treat me like a fool and walk on me. Now I know. I want to pull the I-485 before it's approved so I'm not stuck with a financial millstone for the next ten years because I know my marriage won't last.
If anybody else has been through this, I would appreciate some help.
Thanks in advance.

[thesearch]

... in response to When it gets ugly, posted by Tim64 on Jan 3, 2004

Whoa,

Sorry to hear your story but unfortunatly this is not going to be an isolated case. I can help you with your question, however, I just want to tell you that she is stupid and you are lucky - very lucky. What I mean is she was stupid enough to show her true colors before the system has had a chance to get you hooked into it all. At least that is what I would suspect. Whatever you do, you need to act fast.

[Globetrotter]

... in response to When it gets ugly, posted by Tim64 on Jan 3, 2004

Sorry things have gone badly for you, as things tend to get frightening when you begin to think of the bad trouble she can cause.  You've been given advice to protect yourself and turn in MIL.  Do you think maybe the Russian chick in Portland who gave her the job may have a few Russian guys in the wings waiting for your soon to be ex?  I think every RW knows of laws here, as well as soft-hearted men willing to take a risk, and have a plan "B" network ready to act on, if you balk at yet another red flag.  With what you have told us already, she already has what she wants, therefore, no cooperation, language studies, etc.  I would run like hell, get a lawyer, and CYA.

If I had been a thinking man when mine asked for the $500 coat, then the $250 boots 2 years back, I would have stopped then.  After all, what happens when she gets here?
The Audi isn't good enough?  Got to have that new Benz?  When mine balked at my prenup suggestions, I bolted, thinking of what may be ahead.  Some asked...Where is the love?  It's there, but when the heart says yes and the head says no...look out, the proper head should always win out.

Now that you are in this seemingly bad situation, think of what she has already shown as to her true colors, and not your past feelings when you brought her here.  She's probably loading the "gun" while putting on the best performance of her life hoping you will balk, before she levels the AK47 and squeezes for the last time.  

Again, sorry to hear of your troubles, but thanks for sharing as it's a good lesson for all here...and please,
cover your ass.

[AJ277]

... in response to When it gets ugly, posted by Tim64 on Jan 3, 2004

like some other posters - a little confused as to when you married her..

was it a I 130 filed otr a K1 visa.
this will alter the answers.

its seems you married her here on a K1- as you state her mother arrived for the wedding and stayed.

but that seems logistically tough to get the mother a visitors visa in the 90 day window that you need to marry on the K1 visa for your fiancee.

also if troubles starting the moment she was off the planE? *shrugs*

______________
if you marroied her there( as i did my wife)
and filed a I 130 petition for alien spouse-
then you cannot retract your obligation or file for change of its status.
you are married ,just the same as if you married an AW, and she nmoved her with full GC and other advantages.

a good thing unless it goes sour obvciously.
___________________________

Sorry to hear of the troubles-
and you know if the situation is truely ugly or not--

but from what you posted, i dint see anything that out of line? or unusual in the first months of marriage?
If it is not worth salvaging the marriage , then you boith know.
but atthe moment from outside looking in it seems if two people loved each other they could work thru it, or attempt to.
dont take the following to hard or as critism..just an angle

Shed like to live closer to her friend - imagine that?
new to the country and would like a familiar face.

demanding it and wishing oe wanting is two different things?

Shed like some english/russian study  CD's
or a tutor to study? - again imagine that?
how is she studying now or before?what was her level of english prior to marriage?

A 12 year old scatters tools n the floor- another imagine that?

how did you approach it? her reaction could be quite normal or not normal art all depending on your reaction.

yes you should have a united front in child raising matters and this sems the biggest obstacle you both have?

obvciuosly none of us know the details of your story-

and i am not trying to imply  who is right or wrong- just showing you how  the things you have posted could be construed in almost any direction.
if your headed to a divorce her attorney will certainly play it which way?

anyway maybe  marraige counseling?

The sad thing is at some point in time you both cared enough for each other to enter the institution of marraige.

but if you both had a "we dont know for sure , but what the heck,lets do it " attitude..
then a
"well its not worth the current hassle, so what the heck lets divorce"
maybe quite appropriate?

and noone to blame on either side?

I feel bad being harsh on someone going thru hell,
but that is  what it looks like from the casual bystander.

[wsbill]

... in response to When it gets ugly, posted by Tim64 on Jan 3, 2004

This guy joins the board back in Aug 2003 and only starts posting now when there is trouble.  Never even bother to ask one question.

But out of nowhere with the first answer his question is Travis, which he's correct to say.  Document everything.

Somebody is like sending a secret message here or something.

[Travis]

... in response to Re: Do you guys find this is unusual ?, posted by wsbill on Jan 3, 2004

Bill, I read this board almost everyday but I don't post everyday like you do. Your thinking too much!

[wsbill]

... in response to Conspiracy theorist?, posted by Travis on Jan 3, 2004

n/t

[Albert]

... in response to Re: Do you guys find this is unusual ?, posted by wsbill on Jan 3, 2004

Why should we care if he is real or not, if the situation is contrived or not,  or whatever?  Why do we always want to yell troll at somebody?

The situation is real for somebody, somewhere, at sometime, and happens many, many times.  Yes, there are many, many times in which everything goes fine.

But, regardless, the advice and suggestions that appear following these questions is useful to everyone.

Let's just give info if we have any, read all other inputs, and become more aware.

[mudd]

... in response to When it gets ugly, posted by Tim64 on Jan 3, 2004

did you marry her in ukraine with a spousal visa or here with a fiance' visa? i am assuming that you married her there because you said that " as soon as she got off the plane, the suprise started", and if so, i cant imagine why you would marry her there. anyways, since she sounds like she had it all planed out, im sure she has a backup plan for a soon to be divorce. you need to make sure you have all your paperwork in order as Travis stated, get a lawyer, make sure she has no reason to call the police and get you thrown in jail, phony spousal abuse, remember, who calls the police first, doesnt go to jail, the other person does. i would also talk to an immigration lawyer about her mother and her planning everything, just in case you need some leverage on your side.

[BubbaGump]

... in response to Re: When it gets ugly, posted by mudd on Jan 3, 2004

If the police come to investigate spousal abuse, do not admit to striking her or even touching her in the state of California.  Doing the slightest thing to her will get you thrown in jail in California.  It happened to a friend of mine whose wife knew how to abuse the system out there. He stayed in jail for 3 days before she let him out.

[FLASH2D]

... in response to Re: When it gets ugly, posted by mudd on Jan 3, 2004

i had a friend of a friend who went through something similar. he was married there. brought her here and the suprises started to pop up. no m.i.l. here though. it started to get ugly. he planned a friendly trip back to the ukraine to see her family and the next day got back on a plane home and left her there. he took all tickets with him so she could not return. she had no means to return to the u.s. and filed for the divorce and she got nothing. i'm sorry i don't know the rest of the details.  
flash.

[Frank O]

... in response to Re: Re: When it gets ugly, posted by FLASH2D on Jan 3, 2004

That's what I suggested in another post. To find a way to ship her back. Perhaps plan a "vacation" there take her & the kid back (& let INS take the mom back!) & ditch her over there. You'll have a bit*h of a time probably getting a divorce consult an attorney & DO NOT let her know till you have all your ducks lined up in a row & have not just plan A & B but perhaps C & D as well.

[Stan]

... in response to Re: Re: When it gets ugly, posted by FLASH2D on Jan 3, 2004

I have heard of the same situation but with a little twist, "He got "robbed" while going up to the apt. while she was still at the car downstairs,,,,, crooks took everything but "His" tickets and passport. He came back home,,,,,,,,, but "His " parents talked him into getting her back. 9 months later she gets back to the "States" and 1 1/2 years later it is still working out good?  Go figure?

[Travis]

... in response to When it gets ugly, posted by Tim64 on Jan 3, 2004

Unfortunately I have some expierience in this. I don't know the procedure for withdrawing the I-485, I wasn't aware it could be withdrawn. There is one thing you very much need to do; protect yourself from a false abuse allegation...that will be her next step if she thinks you intend to file for divorce. She WILL do this, especially if she has some home grown "advisors" around. It will be her word against yours and in most states if not all of them, your going to jail. Retain an attorney, file for divorce, have her served. The initial divorce hearing should be scheduled within about a month. At that point you will be able to request sole use of your property, ie have her evicted.

P.S. Document EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!

[david hagar]

... in response to Re: When it gets ugly, posted by Travis on Jan 3, 2004

on your wife's mother, you need to contact the immigration authorities and tell them who she is and who she is working for.  You are aiding and abeting criminal activity and could go to jail as to the acessory to the fact.  If the local immigration personal will not handle the situation, contact the local police where she is located or homeland security. Rembember you could face jail time plus a hefty fine

bEATTLEDOG